Back to work - separation anxiety - advice needed

[shellbear]

I am starting back at work this Weds and my 9m old will be looked after by a nanny we have employed between a few friends for a nannyshare. In the run up to xmas I planned some breaking in days with the nanny and my little one, 4 in total, each for two hours or so at a time, with me staying for the first hour and then the nanny looking after her for the remaining time. The last time we left her for 3 hours she cried so much she conked out on the living room floor. I expected her to be a bit unsettled but the level of stress makes me worried. The other baby she is also looking after as part of the share is really chilled out about being looked after by someone else - apparently mine crawls around the flat sobbing looking in every room for me. arrr!! Has this happened to other people? I have done a bit of reading and have been really careful to not sneak off, always say goodbye (but not make too much of a fuss either) and get her used to the idea that I will return. We haven't got any family locally so it is a shift for her - she hasn't really been looked after by anyone apart from me and my partner. The nanny is lovely and apparently she does have periods when she is not upset but then falls back into it. I am actually really looking forward to going back to work but this does make it feel difficult. Would be really great to hear anyone elses experiences.

[kristymac1]

God it's so hard isn't it?

If it's any consolation (and i'm not sure it is), everyone goes through some trauma going back to work, your little one has known only you during the day to day for the last 9 months and to be honest I think it would be more worrying if he/she wasn't affected at all. My daughter is almost 3, been going to (the most fanstastic) childminder who she loves, since she was 15 months but she still goes through phases of separation anxiety, and I have to say I still find it really hard.

Give it 4 weeks (which feels like a lifetime when things are hard) and I'm sure your little one will have settled in much better by then xx

[crystal7]

I could have written some of your post!

I'm back at work on Wednesday too and my 11 month old daughter had her second settling in day (4 hours) with the childminder today. She got quite hysterical when she saw me putting my coat on to leave and then was tearful when I picked her up. Apparently she enjoyed herself for a while in the middle though! I felt very guilty.

Sorry no advice but I'd be interested to hear others' experiences!

[Ann]

My experiences go back a while but childcare options haven't realy changed much in the last decade.

I think the 'problem' is that your child is now nine months and it's great that you've had that time at home with her. Older babies will miss thier mother more initially.

My daughter was a similar age when I went back to work. That initial separation is a huge step for all of us, I suspect your baby can cope better than you think; they tend to respond well to caring nannies/childminders. Don't undereastimate her capacity to form a comforting relationship with some-one other than yourself, a well loved baby will do that.

Of course you'll be anxious at first but I found after a relatively short peroid my daughter was settled and I could go to work without worry.

Good luck with your return to work and keep us posted, I'm sure there are many others in similar situations to yourself.

[littleEDfamily]

My little one didn't give two hoots who I left her with at 8 months! I had anxiety about being such a bad mother, my child didn't care that I was leaving her. As she got older, she did go through periods of hysteria, and this was heartbreaking!

As long as you are 100% happy with who you are leaving her with, I think you just have to put it down to different children responding differently to separation (as opposed to anything you can control). I really hopes it gets better and judging from what I hear from others who have had a similar experience to you, I am sure time will bring good things!

[redjam]

Poor you, sounds very stressful for both of you. Unfortunately 9 months is classic separation anxiety age - which is so often exactly when the mum happens to go back to work! I've been through this twice and the only 'advice' I can give is that it will pass, like all things baby-related. Soon enough she will attach to her nanny and although the crying when you leave her might persist for a while, you'll probably find that she will settle as soon as you've actually gone out of the door. (Incidentally I never used to believe my nanny when she said that, but if ever I did need to come back unexpectedly a few minutes after I'd left - if I'd forgotten something for example - it generally was all peace and quiet.)

Mind you, saying all that, my two-and-a-half year old decided to scream for half an hour when I took her back to nursery today after her two-week break, despite normally being fine. Believe me, it's worse when they're old enough to cling to your leg and shout 'Mummy please don't leave me, please, please...'

[Sanne Panne]

My daughter was 15 months when she started at the childminder and cried non-stop from 9am till 2pm when they called me to pick her up on what was meant to be her first full day (she'd had 2 settling in sessions which were a drama too). She did this 4 more times (just crying and completely refusing food/milk/water/sleep/cuddles), making me seriously worried that she'd never settle in... but one day she just did (maybe she finally realised that she would be picked up again at the end of the day) and she's been happy there ever since. I really thought my child was going to be that one exception that just won't be looked after by somebody else (in spite of being fine with my parents by the way, but I had spent much more time in that house with her and my parents so it was less of a radical change... and... err... very wrong maybe, but I did sneak off when I had to leave for the odd hour here and there when we were at my parents' house and it seemed to work very well...).

To make a long story short: after my own experience I believe all babies will eventually settle. It's just awful if the beginning is so tough. Wishing you strength through this phase, it WILL work out!

[pjal]

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[ryedalema]

I left my daughter at nursery for the first time when she was 6 months old and I was the one sobbing as I said goodbye (I'm such a wuss!) To get me through I kept repeating to myself 'they are better qualified to look after her than I am!' and 'she's got lots of people loving her now', which became a kind of mantra for me in the first weeks. She was absolutely fine - and thrived on having companions her own age around. Plus the kind of care she got (and still gets) is miles better than I'd be able to do. The nanny's job is solely to keep little ones safe, clean, nourished and playing/developing. If it was me looking after her I'd be negotiating phones calls, emails, errands, chores etc. So I think she's much better off with the professional(s). It's small succour now I know - keep yourself really busy at work, put photos up that you can smile at and look forward to the end of the day when they run into your arms and show you what they've been up to. If the nanny can present you with artwork that helps too - shows that they've had fun and gives you something to share.

Good luck with it - it doesn't last too long and in my opinion learning a bit of independence can be a good thing for them. (They'll have to do it later on after all).

[redjam]

Hysteria? Conking out? 4 weeks to adjust? Can they ever be as happy as when with their parent?

Sorry Shelbear but society's got this all wrong with the focus on returning to work - which is easier at so many levels than nurturing one's children - because it is prioritised over the separated baby's distress. What else could cause enough distress to conk out!? Guilt is not an inapporpriate response in situations like this and maybe needs attending to. Full time motherhood is not for everyone and for many now it is not financially viable because of our (inevitably) working mum-dominated government's attitudes but if it was valued, starting with rewarding it better financially, perhaps many more would choose it. It won't happen because full time mothers don't have a voice but if it did childhood mental health and behavioural disorder would improve at a stroke.

Cue vilification re evidence / lovely nanny / Conservative attitude / I don't know her situation / How could I etc. I'm just saying sometimes if something feels really wrong maybe it is.

I see what you're saying but by that argument I would never brush my kids' teeth or comb their hair, given the levels of hysteria it provokes. I totally agree that you should be able to be a stay-at-home mum if that is your decision, but equally if it is your decision to go back to work (or financially you need to) then you shouldn't feel guilty about separation anxiety - the point that I and others made is that it DOES fade, quite quickly in most cases, and new attachments will form with the new care providers.

Incidentally I was raised by a stay-at-home mum and was painfully shy when I was little, I think partly because I didn't have much exposure to other adults/children. I see my kids being completely happy now being looked after by other people (despite the yelling of my youngest yesterday - that was an aberration!) and I feel that overall me being a working mum has done them good. But anyway, this is probably a discussion for another place and another time...

[shellbear]

thanks for all this.. it is reassuring to hear others situations - and pjal I hear what you are saying as well - I don't have the financial luxury to not go back to work, although its not just that - I need to go back for myself, because I love my job and I worked hard to get there. I did plan to go back at 6 months but I didnt feel it was time and my little one wasnt ready so have extended the time as far as we can make it work. So now tommorow is crunch time and talking to friends and hearing the comments on here I am sure she will be ok - she is from a loving family and has a kind and loving nanny - I think there are many more factors at play when it comes to childhood mental health problems than women who combine working with being a mum

[Monkey]

My four-month-old screams when I pick her up from nursery...:-S It makes you feel rubbish too but at least she's happy there. Sorry I have no advice to offer.