I'd like to buy a mobile phone. Can anyone help?

[Y'man]

Where Ebay shows us how far we've regressed intellectually, the invention of the mobile phone, that latter-life comforting titty, has shown us how ridiculously self important we are. I once thought it sporadic, it's actually far too abundant.

Having said that, I can see their function in times of crisis as somewhat valuable and plan on purchasing one soon. My problem is that I don?t know which one to buy and to that end, maybe someone can help me. As I said, I really just want it for emergency purposes, I don?t need one to take bad quality photos, I have a bad quality camera for that. It doesn?t need to record anything, although I can see the beauty of that to some but not I. It won?t be necessary for it to make obnoxious squeaking tones at every step and I don?t want one that will turn me into a loud mouthed delinquent; like we see so much these days. I wonder also, is there a phone into which I wouldn?t have to shout at the top of my voice in order that whoever I might speak to can hear me? Also I?d need one without the automatic ?dough boy? facility, you know, the phone which presumably emits a ringing tone that compels the user to suddenly jump up in an absolutely quiet, yet very public, place and march around like an erratic robot roaring monosyllabic inconsequentials that only suffice to wake the slumbering, post feeding babes and napping pensioners within a 200 yard radius. Yes, it would have to be a phone which does not turn me into an absolute moron, like.....

.... the one owned by a certain ?Ms. Cottrel? [sp] who, on the 30th of November 2007 on a packed train between the South coast and Clapham Junction (where she alighted to a reverberance of dumbfounded laughter and amazement), saw an advert in the paper she was reading, promptly and in far less less than dulcet tones, ordered Bon Jovi tickets on her phone within clear earshot of at least a dozen people, giving her name, address, telephone number, credit card number, security code & email address to the booking office clerk. Her 15 minutes of fame and a lifetime of ridicule! Or.....

.....the one as owned by ?Phillip?, who, whilst waiting for a flight in the main lounge of the South terminal at Gatwick Airport on Friday the 18th of July 2008, decided the time was ripe to order travel insurance for his upcoming trip to Turkey, Hong Kong and New Zealand giving the self same information as the aforementioned Ms Cottrel, loudly and clearly in the vicinity of five other people, two right behind him and self included. No no, I don?t want a phone that will turn me into an inexplicable bonehead of the highest order, I just want one that will be handy in emergencies. Can anyone point me in the right direction?

[KalamityKel]

Surely, in your case, the answer is in the price. You quite clearly don't need a phone costing a lot of money as you would be paying for all the things you don't want. Get yourself a cheap pay as you go phone for under ?20 and you're sorted

[SeanMacGabhann]

Is Holland that devoid of fun that you have to troll forums in South East London?

[Y'man]

If you have any complaints about my posting on a forum in my home town, make it to admin. And Southeast is one word!

[GSJ57]

What Sean said

[Keef]

Stuff like this probably seems really funny after a few bubblegums in the coffee shop.

[Y'man]

Oh Keef, you're too close, you have no idea how ludicrously comical this all is.

[mockney piers]

Which is your favourite one? I lived on the Kaisergracht for a year was partial to the rokerij on Lange leidserdwarstraat. Especially as there was a VERY cute girl who worked there!!

[Y'man]

Actually, MP, I don't frequent. I got all that out of my system when I was younger.

[woofmarkthedog]

Seems like even without the phone you have become the very thing you fear

Hey ho add a phone and "bingo"

Bob's your uncle

W**F

[mockney piers]

I haven't partaken since my return about 7 years ago. A year in Amsterdam was quite literally enough for a lifetime!!

[Y'man]

Ooh, right on the nerve, I had a feeling that some would recognise themselves! Next.