Advice please - helping a 6 year old boy deal with his emotions

[catgirl]

Another thing that can be very useful is keeping a diary.

When he has a meltdown, write it down and note what the meltdown was about and also any other factors:

- was he hungry / tired / just left school / just about to go to school / been at friends house / been watching TV etc etc.

I know things don't always follow a pattern but there often is some common denominator.

As a parent you have such an emotional response when your child is being challenging that you don't see anything but what is in the moment but if you note things down and look at them afterwards it can be quite enlightening.

My son is 7 and has a lot of anxiety issues which can lead to very difficult behaviour and meltdowns. Learning to understand his needs and what leads to or causes the meltdowns has enabled us to put things in place to help avoid them.

e.g. he hates to be taken by surprise and needs everything mapped out for him so we are now very careful to give him advance warning of everything and have timetables etc written out. It sounds basic but actually took us ages to realise that this was something that he needed. But has made a big difference to our lives.

Another interesting read is 'the explosive child' by RW Greene.

It's very American and cites extreme examples but I think the underlying message is very useful.

He says that children intrinsically want to do well, be good and please people and when they don't do this it's usually because they can't rather than because they won't. ie they are lacking in the skills to enable them to respond well to the situation they are in.

His answer is to have a collaborative approach - rather than - you will do this because I say so - which just makes things worse for these kind of children, his suggestion is to evaluate what your child has problems doing and discuss with them how they could deal with those situations better in future.

We didn't follow through his whole program which is quite detailed and involved but I did find it very enlightening to view my son's behaviour as him finding things difficult rather than him being difficult.

[Lochie]

Comments have been so interesting so thank you. Heartening to hear am not alone, some stories really pulling on the heart strings, but some really useful advice that I can use in every comment.

After an absolutely awful meltdown at a playdate yesterday (worst yet - occurred after I calmly banned ipad that day for being mean to the host of the playdate) which really shook me in terms of its physicality, anger etc; my son asked 'would you still love me mummy if I was being bullied' when we got home. So it may be that something going on at school is at the root of all this. I am a little skeptical as the boys in the class all get on very well, mums are all friends, numerous playdates between all the boys, no 'leader' as such - but I remember all too well that sometimes the meanest comments at primary school can come from 'friends'. My natural response is to think that if a child is being bullied they would become quiet and introverted, but perhaps not, and it would explain why my son has suddenly become so emotionally angry. I'll pursue this line as sensitively as I can with the mums involved and see if they have any insight. Interestingly I've noticed that his playdates with girls are always conflict free but playdates with boys inevitably end in some tiff over whose game they want to play, who plays with who etc.

@Pugwash in terms of being extremely bright I don't think so, his last school report scored him in the average range for everything. However, I would say that he needs to be stimulated all the time and gets bored v easily (goes back to inability to focus on one thing for very long)

@midivydale I absolutely do think that age of starting school is particularly pertinent to boys at this age as it restricts their very natural tendency to physically explore, run, be noisy etc which must be very frustrating for them.

@belle - your comment re: hormones is hugely interesting; before you'd mentioned it I'd almost likened the rages to those I remember from puberty- literally a metabolic force of anger due to inability to handle emotions! I'm going to read a bit more about that...

@catgirl - great idea re: diary. I've thought of it myself but haven't had the impetus or time to actually do it but now I think I'm going to have to!

Thanks again for all the tips and thoughts...hoping for a calm and angst-free weekend for all of us!

[Dun]

Hi, an easy children's book that teaches an intro to mindfulness breathing is: Sea Otter Cove: A Relaxation Story, Introducing Deep Breathing to Decrease Anxiety, Stress and Anger While Promoting Peaceful Sleep by Lite, Lori (2012).

It's told as a short children's story that you can read at bedtime.

Another very good book for parents is: The Incredible Years: A Trouble-shooting Guide for Parents of Children Aged 2-8 Years by Carolyn Webster-Stratton. I read it when I had a 12 year old and so wished I had read it years earlier! Read the reviews on Amazon to get an idea.

Mindfulness is also an invaluable tool for parents, it helps during those difficult moments we all have.

Wishing you lots of calm and angst-free moments!

[Dun]

Another very good book with easy activities/exercises/things to do with young children is: A Volcano in My Tummy: Helping Children to Handle Anger: A Resource Book for Parents, Caregivers and Teachers 7 Jan 1998

by Whitehouse and Pudney

[midivydale]

Hi everyone, are any of you still around? How are your boys doing now? We are facing similar difficulties at the moment and I was wondering how things are now for your boys?

[akc74]

Hi @midivydale - your post meant I just spotted this thread again and my input from 2016 - no huge changes here, in that managing emotions continues to be an issue for the now nearly-9 year old! Always interested to hear from other people how they handle it, especially when it manifests as major rudeness to us - I find we are constantly trying to balance the need to manage the unacceptable rudeness, with empathising with the big emotions that he's trying to process. It's a balance I struggle with much of the time, and my husband really struggles with it too - often causing them in particular to be at loggerheads.

Our boy has become self-aware enough that recently he's decided he doesn't want to use the (very limited) time he's allowed at the weekend playing games on the iPad as he can see that it makes him so stressed/furious if it doesn't go to plan. This may pass, but I'm enjoying that while it lasts! An unusual example of self-awareness and self-regulation.