Advice please - helping a 6 year old boy deal with his emotions

[Lochie]

Hoping I can get some experiences and/or advice to help with my six year old son who struggles to handle his emotions. I want to help him but also am getting very frustrated at him too and could do with some help.

My son has always been highly strung ? everything needs to be done exactly the way he likes it otherwise he tends to have a meltdown. However, this has ramped up quite a lot in last few months to the point that he seems to spend a lot of the time crying. They are not sad tears but more angry tears that things are not working out the way that he wants them to. He doesn?t have big tantrums but just one long moderate whine and cry about pretty much everything, and it is really affecting life in our family and our home. He struggles with concentration and focus and flits from one thing to another (unless it is Minecraft on the ipad which we are now restricting). He struggles with writing and has been put into a special class to help with his fine motor skills. I will speak to his teachers this week to check there are no underlying issues at school, but my main concern is his real and raw inability to keep his emotions proportionate to what is going on in life! Any advice on how to lovingly support children when dealing with their emotions (esp. boys) whilst also trying to instil some resilience?

[yeknomyeknom]

Try the website and related book The Highly Sensitive Child. It helped us to recognise our son better.

[bawdy-nan]

Plenty of fresh air and exercise, and a chance to move about, a rigorous bed time, regular meal-times, learning to touch type, and waiting. 6 is very young be expecting a child to "manage their emotions". I really do think that children develop at very different rates and maybe he's struggling right now. That's ok. Life can be quite demanding for a 6 year old - school, developing social life as well as fitting in with the family etc.

Some of the things you describe raise flags in terms of "disorders" (ADHD, ASD, dyspraxia, etc etc etc)and if they are affecting his ability to be in home, social and school settings it is probably worth getting it checked out via GP. You could describe the issues and ask for a referral to Sunshine House. I'm not at all saying I think he might have any of these things and I do think the kinds of things you describe aren't uncommon.

Its probably also worth a look at what kinds of things are put in place to help children with the kinds of "disorders" I describe above. Doing them helps children in all kinds of ways and it basically involves not over stimulating, clear and simple instructions, not over-fussing, regular bedtimes and good sleep hygiene etc etc etc. I understand that its really very hard to love (argh! Live, I mean live) with a child who's struggling and I imagine you're feeling quite stressed too.

Edited to say - yes that's a great book recommendation.

Good luck!

[mima08]

Hiya, I can somewhat empathise - my son is a bit younger and goes through phases of really struggling with his emotions - he's too young to really "manage" them, but needs some control over his anger. Your thread has reminded me of various others on similar subjects, this link was posted in one and I find the whole lovebombing idea works for us (for a while anyway :) ) http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bloggers/1574459-Love-Bombing-the-solution-to-childrens-emotional-and-behavioural-issues

good luck!

[Cora]

I would definately get a referral to sunshine house to rule out any underlying aspects that may make him react more vigorously to things.

[canela]

er, are you sure your haven't borrowed my son for a while? sounds extremely familiar!

echoe all of the above. I find it is about keeping the environment right and trying to prevent as it is too difficult to deal with once it starts to happen. This means LOTS of exercise, healthy food, limited screen time, and lots of love bombing. School is important too. The school day is a long time and if (as our son) he is well behaved at school this can be compensated for by playing up at home. Talk to him and his teacher in case there is something bothering him (though I have to say our school was pretty poor in responding to us about this).

Also, have a think about what situations or activities make him relax and do more of them. For us it was going for long walks.

Sounds like there might be a slight communication barrier that frustrates him, which will get easier with time. It is hard to be a kid in some ways. You do basically have to do what other people tell you to do most of the time. Try and find ways in which he can really be in control sometimes, whether that is planning the afternoon's activities, deciding what is for tea, etc.

Good luck!

[Lochie]

Thank you for the advice and the PMs too. All of it is useful.

I've just spoken to the TA (teacher was off sick). She said he is fine in class, no concerns, too much chatting as usual but that is about it. Part of me was wondering if this recent flair up was a reaction to having to go back to school, as he is not like this (emotionally) all of the time and it was extreme even for him. The TA did say that a lot of the teachers have said the kids have been 'difficult' since returning after Xmas and having to readjust. If it continues I will speak to the teacher properly and beyond that the inclusions teacher if necessary.

I have an 18 year old niece with autism and an 11 year old nephew with aspergers so have some experience with these and there is nothing that leads me to believe that he has either of these 'disorders' (not that I would prevent him from being assessed if I had an inkling that he might). One strength he has is that he is highly sociable and thrives around people, and is an excellent communicator and articulator. Which is why I get so frustrated when he has these crying fits at home as it disables him from being able to communicate - it is almost like he is so emotional he is unable to explain why. I do think that as the curriculum is so very geared towards pen work and sitting still in classrooms that it can be frustrating particularly for boys - but I guess that is another issue!

Someone very kindly pm'd me a mindfulness website for children which I thought I'd share: dot.be (http://mindfulnessinschools.org/what-is-b/) Perhaps teaching him how to be calm and reflective might help before he gets disproportionately emotional about things (perhaps a bit too young to expect this but worth a try).

Routine v important and its something we are slack on so thanks for comment on that. And for the book recommendations, great, especially love the Lovebombing idea - I'm going to order that one.

Thanks again

[Elfy]

Thanks for posting the mindfulness link. My son is nearly 8 but I often think he would benefit from a bit of mindfulness. He sounds quite similar to your boy (but older obviously)...he's grown out of crying fits (thank goodness) but often 'over reacts' to situations that arise in everyday life - friendships especially. He's confident and outgoing but will storm off in a mood if things don't go his way, often leaving his friends bemused. I'm going to check out the mindfulness - if it helps him pause and think before (over) reacting, this would be a massive help. This parenting lark, eh?

[akc74]

I am finding this thread most helpful, and am about to look at the book recommendations in a sec. Much of what I am reading could have been written about our oldest son (5.5 yrs old). He is fine at school and eager to please there, and doing quite well, from what we can gather. But managing his emotions at home is another matter, he can suddenly get into the most enormous rage about a drawing not turning out how he wants or some lego falling apart. He often gets extremely angry with us directly, about something totally unrelated - and his moods can massively impact the kind of weekend we have. Thanks all for the tips.

[Lochie]

Also wanted to share this lovely picture book about meditation aimed at children, in case anyone is interested. Thanks for the person who PM'd this x

http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0807563811?psc=1&redirect=true&ref_=oh_aui_detailpage_o01_s00#reader_0807563811

[midivydale]

This is edf at its best 💕👍

[bodsier]

Hi I haven't looked at the booklist so apologies if I have duplicated this info.

I highly recommend 'how to raise an emotionally intelligent child' by John Gottman. It's amazing how it works in practice. My child calms down I. Seconds when I apply it, and on top of that we also connect as he enjoys that I understand him. It helps him to label his emotions, and limits frustration. An excellent book in my mind.

[Belle]

Hi Lochie!

As you prob know from my comments/posts/FB status updates, we have similar issues with J, who is 7 in a couple of weeks. What is changing for us is that while in the past most of this behaviour has been confined to home (which as people have said, indicates he feels it is a "safe place" in which he CAN meltdown - not that it is much fun being on the receiving end of it) - it is starting to leak out in other places and even at school now. He also really struggles to sit still so carpet time is a big problem...

We started on the journey of involving the school SENCO and later Sunshine House about a year or so ago. My experience of the school help has been outstanding. Even when the problems were not manifesting particularly at school, they were sympathetic and supportive and even brought in the educational psychologist to assess him. Sunshine House, I must say we have had a less than positive experience of but I realise this may be the exception (and can explain more on PM if helpful). The trouble is that everything seems to sit in a different organisation, e.g. we were told ADHD "comes under" CAMHS, not Sunshine House, but that autism (including aspergers) comes under Sunshine House. He has now been referred to the autism clinic, though more for elimination purposes I believe. I have been getting support from the Southwark Early Help team who are excellent (but I'm aware you're in another borough - should be something similar in your area too). In short, I'd recommend pursuing help via your school SENCO, if you feel they are accessible.

As others have said, I could have written your post - right down to Minecraft. One thing I've read about ADHD tendencies is that children with them may be able to focus intensively on certain things, it's called hyper focus. So it can be annoying, I find, when people (in our case, a doctor) say "oh he's concentrating on that lego therefore he can't have ADHD" - even to my non-expert mind that is a pretty narrow view.

Having said all that, I still don't necessarily believe there is a diagnosis at the end of our own particular journey, but it definitely doesn't hurt to read up on these issues. I've been recommended a number of books (and do the love bombing thing, it definitely works), on here - one of which was Easier, Calmer, Happier Parenting which I really rate. Hadn't thought of meditation/mindfulness, what a great idea.

Oh, one (probably obvious but I still forget it!) thought - is it related to hunger/blood sugar dips? I find that has a massive impact on J's mood. Also if your little boy is now Year 1 he's prob experiencing a big change in his day, having to sit still more etc, which is really difficult for boys especially I think.

Courage...you are not alone!

x

[Lochie]

That is very interesting thank you Belle. Our school now has an Assistant Headteacher for Inclusion who I've met before in a special session about handwriting, she is great and I'll defo make an appointment with her soon if things get worse re: behavior and emotions. That is v interesting what you say about J and behavior trickling outside of the home, as in our case it really is confined to the home (and around friends he feels v comfortable with), and actually in school and at our childminders he is well behaved (apart from too much chatting in class!). So I will watch with interest as he grows up to see if it begins to emerge elsewhere. The thing I am getting very struck by is what I call the 'lip' which has suddenly started to appear - i.e. me being called a 'stupid idiot' etc - totally unacceptable and it's said in the way a teenager would say it which I find quite shocking and unnerving as he is only 6!!!

I don't mind Minecraft in theory its just I wish he could transfer that passion to things that don't involve screens. However, I did read somewhere that it is really important if they have passions (that are pretty innocent but that might not be considered important to development), that you show an interest in WHATEVER it is so that you praise them for having a passion at least (I often do other things whilst I am being told about minecraft achievements and don't listen at all- it is pretty flippin' boring IMO!!).

And yes defo re: hunger - constant requests for snacks are hard to keep up with which no doubt lead to sugar dips (I personally get really irritable when I am hungry still as an adult!)

Hanging on in there - a good spelling result today has defo lifted the spirits at home and lead to a small reward, so I'm being treated with a smidgen of affection and respect again...(which is lovey)

[Belle]

Totally get the stupid idiot stuff...we've had a really bad and long phase of him being physically violent to us (well mainly me) which is very hard to deal with, and destructive behaviour e.g. smashing up lego creations/tearing up drawings/breaking things in his room. As someone said above, they are still so young - they don't know how to express themselves fully yet - but what I find hard is how to deal with this behaviour. Absolutely agree it's not acceptable but it's the questions about what may be at the root of it, whether being really tough is the right approach etc that I find hard.

BTW re minecraft, some teachers really rate it given the creativity it requires... we just try to set limits. Absolutely agree re encouraging any passions, and actually recently J had topic homework which was "write a report about a hobby" so I encouraged him to do it on mine craft which worked out really well!

We need to have a get together and they can geek out about mine craft together while we share our sorrows!

xx

[Pugwash]

Is he exceptionally bright? I have had experience in the past with emotionally variable child who was in all appearances, coping well at school (Junior) but all over the place at home. I worked with educational psychologists and got an appointment with the schools psychologist, much to the Head's annoyance. It was discovered that my daughter was very bright with IQ several years above her chronological age. behaviour was put down to frustration at not being given mentally challenging work, she knew there would be trouble if played up in class, so took it out at home

[bawdy-nan]

We've had a very similar experience to those described though our son is now a bit older. I bring good news from the future.

The impact was pretty bad at school and we went down a CAMHS / Sunshine House route. After a very long period of testing and re-testing at a specialist clinic we were given no diagnosis at all and were very happy indeed with that. We got a narrative description, results of intelligence testing (very, very high) and a set of "instructions" for school.

School was disastrous (and cruel as, it has to be said were other parents: top tip never eat anything I make for the sodding PTA you pitchfork-wielding people with nothing better to do). He faced awful interventions, regular exclusions, violent and sustained restraint and we nearly took him out of school persevering only because he asserted powerfully that he wanted to be "an ordinary school boy". Their attempts to "help" included quite a lot of attempted "emotional management" theorising and education. Absolutely useless I'd say, for a 4, 5 &6 year old.

He moved schools and the world opened up for him. No exclusions, no restraint nothing like that at all. What was the difference? The new school (superb) were already doing most of the things the clinic had recommended and, I think most importantly, were allowing him to experience his stronger than his peers emotions and find a way himself of working out how to "manage" them. They stomped on the mean parents and just wouldn't allow the hideousness that had been encouraged in the previous school.

At home we'd naturally been doing this already (giving him a bit of space, being straightforward, not taking in personally, remaining calm and kind but being firm, rigorous bed times, using humour, plenty of outdoors action etc) and whilst his behaviour was sometimes difficult to be around: strong over reactions, stubbornness etc etc etc we didn't find it especially alarming. We just thought that maybe school wasn't quite right for him. For us the saving graces were his humour, intelligence, kindness and the fact that we loved and liked him (unlike his teachers).

Now? He's thriving. He can still have big, powerful reactions to things: he's sensitive. But I see that as a plus in a human being. He's self-aware and growing in confidence. It's an absolute joy to see and to see the transformation in his and our predicament. The current school have been amazing but mostly what they've done is take a bit of a step back and let him properly learn himself how to deal with the big feelings he might have.

All of which is to say that I think that children develop in all kinds of different ways and at different rates. It's quite a business growing up and learning how to be in the world but a "difficult" patch or phase can be part of that learning especially for a child that is very intelligent or very sensitive.

My top tip would be "bear with it" and try to remember that they're not trying to "have a go" at you. "Lack of respect" is a difficult thing to bear but its also hard to perform "being respectful" if you're a 6 year old in a kind of whirlwind of feeling.

Good luck.

[curlykaren]

Gosh, I really identify with a lot said in this thread, having tried mindfulness myself and loved it, I really felt it might be a great tool for my son. He is such a perfectionist and beats himself up over mistakes, lives in fear of being late for anything or not doing homework on time etc. Everything about school stresses him out. I had thought of moving him to see if it made a difference but it's such a big leap. (Of interest.... Everyone who has posted on this thread is talking about a son in the same age range, my boy was 7 last weekend) I can't say that I am all that happy with the school response so far.

Does anyone know how to start a child off on mindfulness? Courses? Groups? Could we make our own group and share the cost of a practitioner?

It is at least reassuring to know that his behaviour is not all that unusual.

[bjm]

This thread could also be describing my son, 6, he is the youngest in his year in Year 2 currently. He loathes going to school and still gets really upset most days about school, from 8am every morning he will be talking constantly about not wanting to go to school.

He is mainly happy at home but still prone to getting very upset or angry if something goes wrong or if he feels people are laughing at him/not listening.

He is very sensitive and easily scared but also incredibly loving and sociable with adults and family.

I feel for him so much at times and find it totally heartbreaking dropping him at scvhool when he becomes tearful, any tips on how to make school seem more appealing would be most welcomed!

[curlykaren]

Bjm..... You have just describe my life! It is absolutely heartbreaking when they are clearly so unwilling and anxious about going to school.

[canela]

the school thing is difficult, especially to decide if things could be made better by switching school. we did go down that route and tbh it has been a great decision (so far, touch wood etc!) Some schools come down very hard on minor disciplinary issues and that can have a big impact on a child. Plus echo previous posts about lack of understanding, and some judgemental parents.

[midivydale]

Bawdy-nan, your post made me cry. Your son sounds a beautiful soul! I am so hapoy to hear he is thriving. My son although much much younger had a similar experience at nursery to what you describe your son had at his first school. It has been awful and traumatic and I can really sympathise (right down to the mean parent thing). Changing nursery has been the making of my son and he is thriving now. He suffered alot of anxitey as a result of the previous nursery "the teachers say I am not a kind boy mummy" which has taken alot of work from us and his new nursery to overcome. The new nursery has been fantastic in reassuring him and it is now slowly becoming a distant memory. I will never forgive myself for letting him be so unhappy for so long. He is certainly "high spirited" and always will be but as his new key worker says, that is only one part of who he is. He is also kind,funny,popular with other children, curious and loving life.

The right environment (which obviously is different to each child) is so important.

[midivydale]

This thread really reaffirms my belief that children here in UK start school too young. Another thread, sorry lochie lovely did not mean to hi jack.

Big hugs to all the sensitive/emotional young souls out there. X

[Belle]

So glad he is happier in the new setting, Midivydale!

CurlyKaren - we did move our son, at the end of reception i.e. he started year 1 somewhere else. We haven't looked back - best decision we ever made. But it's very subjective and personal, isn't it? I'm sure others could have made the reverse move and be happy, but this has worked for us. Also re age, I heard this week (from another forumite!) that around 6/7 there is a big hormonal surge which can lead to this kind of behaviour...

Re mindfulness, will look into it...

[EDmummy]

Agree with a lot of what's been posted. My youngest (now 10) was just like this. School still throws him sometimes but we do lots of love bombing and also find straight forward, non judgemental approach to his feelings really helps. Our son has now diagnosed,mild sensory processing problems and dyslexia (which wouldn't have been diagnosed if I didn't keep pushing testing). His school's approach to PHSE has also made him the most caring, emphatic soul. We positively support his deep emotions. He's a creative in a house of nerdy techies and scientists so we all gain by his sensitivity.