Going back to work...or not!

[Smiler]

I went back part-time after a year off, was dreading it as didn't want to leave our daughter, but have ended up loving it. Feel really lucky to be able to do 3 days a week. Not ideal work-wise, as hard to get through all the work, but works well home-wise. I have more to give on my home days than I did before, and in general have had much more energy since returning to work. It was only when I went back that I realised how hard I'd been finding it to be at home full-time, it was / is much much harder than working (for me anyway).

Ideally I'd like to do 4 days at work with my husband doing 4 days, as then I could move jobs internally and progress in my career (no jobs are open to anyone working less than 4 days as managers who don't know people don't think it'll work), but as some others say, some companies / fields aren't great on flexible working, especially for men!

I do believe (controversial!) that it's best for small children to be looked after by a parent, but felt that it was also important to contribute financially and not rely on just one salary (in case of redundancy etc.). My Mum was the sole bread-winner several times in my childhood and had she not worked we could have been in trouble, so I've always wanted to keep earning.Also, I didn't want to leave then possibly have to take a big pay cut to get back into work a few years later.

[Monkey]

Moos, No you are not the only one. I am back at work full-time from 4 Jan and baby Monkey will only be 4 months and a week then!

[Mellors]

I work 3 days a week (more like 4/5 days by the time I've dealt with the infernal Blackberry) as a City lawyer, and have a 3 year old and 15 month old.

The only way I can just about juggle it is by having a nanny - I simply can't get back in time to pick up from a nursery at 6pm, and really need somebody who can deal with any illnesses, and do extra things like stick on a load of washing, empty the dishwasher, cook food etc. I also think its too long a day for really little ones to be out of their home environment - if they are tired by 6.15 say, she can always put them to bed.

I also think that which days you work is really important - ideally 3 days together, but certainly not the ridiculous Monday, Wednesday, Friday I have been forced into. A job share with another Mum would be ideal.

I have to say that the fact that childcare costs mean I don't earn very much once I have paid my nanny mean I do question whether its worth me working, especially as it is such a nightmare to keep all the plates in the air. Its sheer stubborness, and overwhelming worry about what I would do once the children are at school that keep me from handing in my notice. I would be bored to tears at home if they weren't around for most of the day (I find it pretty boring when they are there to be honest - bad mummy!).

I wish I knew the answer, it seems like an impossible conundrum.

[lorraineliyanage]

I would love to be a stay at home mum but to keep the money coming in, I work part-time from home. This option is really great and allows me to be my own boss as well as spend most of my time with my daughter. I can still spend mornings taking her to playgroups and I'm never apart from her for more than 4 or 5 hours, plus there's no commuting to be done, so this option works really well for me. Childcare costs are also quite reasonable as I only need half-day childcare. I love being a (sort of) stay at home mum, the first years of a baby's life are the most precious, I'd hate to be missing out that, plus working part-time gives me a break from her. Lots of ED mums have found new careers after having a child that allow them lots of flexibility to be around their children.

[KatsuQueen]

I've been back at work for about 6 weeks now, and it's been OK so far. I wouldn't go far to say that I'm "loving" it, but it seems to be working out well. I'm lucky that I can work 4 days and my husband can work 4 days. MiniKatsu is with a childminder 3 days so we each have a day with him during the week. Working 4 days you are still in touch with everything that's going on in the office, and looking after him for a day becomes such a treat. It helps that he seems to be very happy and settled at the childminder, big smiles when he sees her etc....

I did have pangs of doubt before I started work though. One part of it is that I wanted him to love me best and didn't want anyone to be as good as mummy. Does that sound weird?

On the other hand, the whole working/non-working mother divide is pretty meaningless I think. Unless you have a nanny at the same time who works from 7 - 7, and a cleaner and a "household manager" to make sure that there is always bread and milk in the fridge, when you are at home, that is work. There's no "down-time" when you have a baby. At least while I'm at work I can have lunch in peace.

[LeilahB]

What a good thread! I feel very comforted to hear that other people have been agonising about this issue too - I feel like I have thought about nothing else for the last six months or so! Anyway, after a lot of soul searching have decided to go back 5 days a week, 9-2pm in January when my daughter will be 18 months old. I'm still feeling pretty ambivalent about the decision but figure that I will give it a go and see how we find it as a family. I'm a city lawyer and used to work horrific hours so it will also be interesting to see whether I/my firm can stick to the agreed hours. We shall see. What a tricky one though..

[Vickster]

Moos I am a full time working Mum too! It is interesting to see a number of current and ex City lawyers posting on this thread, so I will put my 2 pence worth in.

I went back to work full time when my son was 6 months old, and we have a nanny 4 days a week (my husband looks after him on the fifth day). I found a nanny that I had absolute 100% confidence in, and therefore have not been in a position where I have ever worried about him, as I would not have been able to do my job if I was. My work was pretty full on before I went on maternity leave, but when I went back, in the midst of the collapse of Lehman Brothers, the life of a restructuring and insolvency lawyer (which I am) was pretty grim. Restricted hours in a transactional department are not really an option, although my old firm did offer me four days a week I decided that this would be difficult to manage in practice. After a year of working ridiculous hours, I decided to move firms and become a professional support lawyer. This is so far working out perfectly - dramatically reduced hours but with as much job satisfaction as I had before, just in a different way. I am currently happy working 5 (normal!) days a week but might consider going down to 4 if we were to have another child.

I agree that the older they get, the harder the decision to go to work will be. The partner I worked for in my previous firm is not able to be there for her children for things like homework and when there are issues with other children at school, and also gets the inevitable "X's mummy picks him up from school why don't you?" My view, rightly or wrongly, is that when they are small, as long as they are cared for and loved, then the person who is doing that is less of an issue provided that you trust them.

[pebbles]

I'm a SAHM with a 28 month old and 6 wk old and know how extremely lucky I am. However there are occasions (luckily not too often) that I wish I was working as it can get too much, but then I try and keep my mouth shut (except on here where no one knows who i am!!!) because I feel guilty cos I know how much some other mums would like to be in my position.

I do agree with an earlier poster that it's a lot easier going back to work and then giving up rather than the other way round.

Having potential redudancy is great - I suppose it gives you the money to take more time about your decision and will allow you spend a few more months with babysb before having to.

From my experience of friends I think there are a lot more working mums out there (part or full time) than there are sahm and I suppose when I/we made our decision we calculated that even with my ok salary working 3 days a week would actually bring so little in after child care, travel, work clothes and the inevitable lunches that we would actually not have much more money than if i stayed at home which was my first choice. I do also have to say that I never really enjoyed my career - recruitment - so it was a no brainer however in all honestly I think if i had really enjoyed my job I would have considered going back part time for my own sanity even if it wasn't for the money.

I wouldn't change my decision for the world however of the people that I know the mums that work part time are probably the happiest with their situation.

Good luck and keep us informed.

[newcomer]

Thank you snowboarder for starting this post - it would be fab for more views from full time workers if there are any.

There seem to be a lot of lawyers/ex-lawyers on this thread. I too am an lawyer (ex-A&O, now in-house). As my husband is still in private practice and constantly works v long hours, it will probably fall to me to be the main carer in the relationship but I don't feel ready to 'give up' my job altogether after so much training and hard work to get here. On the other hand, I'm now pregnant with a much-wanted baby and can't bear the thought of only seeing him/her at weekends either. I have also considered part time working but am not sure if my employer would accept that.

Any/all advice from other women who have been there would be much appreciated!

[legalbeagle]

newcomer Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Thank you snowboarder for starting this post - it

> would be fab for more views from full time workers

> if there are any.

>

> There seem to be a lot of lawyers/ex-lawyers on

> this thread. I too am an lawyer (ex-A&O, now

> in-house). As my husband is still in private

> practice and constantly works v long hours, it

> will probably fall to me to be the main carer in

> the relationship but I don't feel ready to 'give

> up' my job altogether after so much training and

> hard work to get here. On the other hand, I'm now

> pregnant with a much-wanted baby and can't bear

> the thought of only seeing him/her at weekends

> either. I have also considered part time working

> but am not sure if my employer would accept that.

>

>

> Any/all advice from other women who have been

> there would be much appreciated!

I know lots of in house lawyers on part time working, if I was you I'd get some clients on side and then go ahead and ask!

[ClareC]

Definitely more accepted in house! I know lots of part time in house lawyers too, I think the issues are often that the days decrease but the work doesn't!

[LeilahB]

hello newcomer - I thought that my employer (magic circle firm, very busy department, horrific hours, no part-timers etc etc) would be very anti restricted or part-time hours but found that once I started the discussion, they proved to be considerably more flexible than I had expected (although I will be interested to see how it works in practice and how the rest of the team view me). I would ask if I were you - at least then, you know you've tried. And the worst that can happen, is that they say no.

[legalbeagle]

ClareC Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Definitely more accepted in house! I know lots of

> part time in house lawyers too, I think the issues

> are often that the days decrease but the work

> doesn't!

That sounds horribly familiar....but the price I paid for seeing more of the children!

[crompo123]

i'm a stay at home mum and i really love it- although ive never been at all ambitous career wise, and i think that you are extremely influenced by how you grew up- both my husbands mother and mine stayed at home and so neither of us even considered me going back to work.

Although we don't struggle financially as such, we live a modest but really happy life- i do sympathise with those who are forced to leave their babies.

Anyway, I was just very pleased to see that THERE ARE quite a few stay at home mums. In my area, just off Bellenden Road, sometimes i feel i'm the only one- i do tend to meet a lot of nannies (although lovely, they tend to have their own network/friendship groups) for some reason. At times it makes me feel guilty for not going to work and providing 'more' for my little girl (perhaps the reassurance of private school).So guilt comes on both sides.

[Belle]

I think the fact that there are such varied answers on this thread shows that there is no one size fits all solution (stating the obvious a bit I know). I had assumed I'd go back to my job part-time but after thinking about it a bit (and getting some good ideas for new careers from forumites!) I resigned. The two reasons were quite separate but amounted to the same thing. One: I'd already realised that the career path I was on wasn't one I enjoyed any more, though I'd done reasonably well at it, I guess I realised doing a job quite well and enjoying it don't always go together. As part of that, it's not at all family-friendly (consultancy so long hours, client-dependent, have to be available 24/7 to be taken seriously etc). Quite separately, I came to the realisation that though I didn't LOVE being the sole carer to my quite challenging little boy, I did feel that it was 'right' that I do it. I don't mean at all that I think mums should stay at home - or dads - but it just sort of felt that it 'fit' with us, if that makes any sense. We've talked about a more spread out division of labour in the future but as my husband is doing v well in his job and, more importantly, enjoying it, this is what works for us right now. I guess ultimately it made no sense for me to go back to job I didn't want to do, which took me away from my baby - kind of lose lose. Obviously there is the financial loss of not going back, but I found we'd had to adjust to minimum maternity pay anyway so had already made cuts. I plan to go back to work before my child(ren) hit school - but since I want to change career I don't worry about losing my footing on the career ladder. I do worry about how on earth I'll figure out what to do, fit in training if necessary AND possibly baby number 2 but cross that bridge etc...(incidentally second babies are a whole other thread!).

[R&A]

Is anyone going back because they are the breadwinner?

Has anyone's partner/husband chosen to be SAT'H'? how is that working out?

Should a relationship break up or say (god forbid) there's a loss through death, how will our decisions now affect our choices later on?

just thought i'd throw these in the mix as it may help those yet to make a decision.. incl SB (and me!)

[snowboarder]

I totally take my hat off to all of you juggling babies and work - in whatever split (full/part time). I suppose its telling that I have not even really looked into childcare - totally head in sand about the whole issue! I AM lucky in that my salary was a pittance in comparison to my husbands (hey - another lawyer!) so I do have options. MAybe this makes it harder though - if you have no choice you just have to get on with it!! And I do find it hard that it's MY career that is automatically dispensable just because it pays less. But also there's no WAY I'd let hubby bring up baby!!

In my head pre pregnancy I was going to use this year as a break and maybe find something that whilst related to my training would be a new start (in manner of womens magazine article!). Well I've been too busy with poo and sick and crying (baby, mostly!), so that hasn't happened!

Good stuff. How about flexible childcare? I was wondering whether anyone has nanny shares with another full time family where you commit to say 2 days per week - but they could be any day?

[Hoochie]

Great thread!

I'm going back to work in January (my son will be 10 months) and am dreading it to the point that I have nightly insomnia (worries about my childcare, being the first to leave the office every evening etc). As I'm the main breadwinner (my partner will still need to work 5 days a week) I feel I have no choice but to go back. The industry I work in (graphic design) thrives on a long hours culture where 12 hour days plus are extremely common. Although my bosses have agreed that I can leave at 5pm in theory I have huge doubts about how this will work in practice. Perhaps a thick skin is order of the day!

[gwod]

I went back to work full time very soon after the births of my first two children, as I was the main breadwinner in the family and I loved my job. With the arrival of my two younger children I became (and remained) a stay at home mum.

I just wanted to let you know both situations were fine! Of course each has challenges but I enjoy it either way and all my kids seem equally well adjusted and happy. There's no "right" answer....you can make either situation work for you - just pick the one that YOU want. (....and if you find its not what you want, change your mind!)

P.S. I believe this philosophy fits nearly all parenting decisions!!

[Smiler]

R&A Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Should a relationship break up or say (god forbid)

> there's a loss through death, how will our

> decisions now affect our choices later on?

These are horrible issues to consider, but for me they (also prospect of a serious illness or injury that prevents one of us working) are important. Know several people who have, in their 20s and 30s, already had to face them. Though guess if something unexpected happens you would do whatever is necessary at that point, whatever your existing work (or stay-at-home) arrangements.

Also, and related to this, when considering financial issues, it's relevant to consider medium and long-term earnings potential as well as the short-term. In a lot of cases, in the short-term you only just cover childcare costs, but by staying in work you will often earn much more in the long-run.

Totally agree with gwod though, a range of solutions can work, and would add that if things are not working out, changes can be made! (She says with dreams of a lottery win / big fat redundancy cheque)

[crystal7]

I am due to return to work in Janaury when DD will be 11 months. I am dreading it! Having lots of sleepless nights worrying about childcare and how I'll cope with a day's work after a broken night.

However I am really lucky to have negotiated 3 days (had to fight my boss down from 4) and I'm hoping to be able to pick up DD from childminder no later than 4.30. Although I love being at home I wouldn't want to be without my career, I did enjoy it and am sure I will again. Also I too worry about the issues R&A raised, depressing but worth considering!

More to the point I've no idea how I'm going to get DD and I up, dressed and breakfasted by 7.30 3 mornings a week- urgh!

[Vickster]

crystal7, have you asked your childminder if your child could be given breakfast there? I don't know what the deal is with childminders usually, but I think with nurseries the children are given breakfast so I would imagine it is similar. My son has milk when he wakes up to keep him going, and then our nanny gives him breakfast after she arrives, and it makes all the difference as to me this is the most time consuming bit of the morning routine.

[Smiler]

Don't worry re. coping with work after a broken night Crystal77 - I was worried about this, but working after broken nights is easier than coping with a child after a broken night! (Unless of course your job requires you to e 100% on-the-ball, e.g. brain surgeon - you'd hope not to many of them are sleep-deprived!)

Agree with Vickster on breakfast - surely childminder can give breakfast? (At nursery it's always weetabix, presumably as is easiest for little ones to eat, minging nappies though!)

[crystal7]

My childminder doesnt provide food and packing weetabix, milk and fruit puree seems a bit of a pain..hmm..will have a think.

Luckily not a brain surgeon but I will be teaching the January reception class so 20 4-5 year olds- eek! Hopefully I'll be too busy to be tired.

[alieh]

Crystal7, I am amazed at how much better I feel on work days after bad nights than if I am at home all day. Feel quite grizzly while getting up and getting ready and moan a lot, but once I have my coffee on the train I feel totally fine! And I have to sit in front of a PC most of the day reading and writing (zzzzz), so you will probably be in even better shape being busy with your class.