Top Tips

[waynetta]

TAKE your dustbin to the supermarket with you so that you can see which items you have recently run out of.

[daizie]

FOOL PEOPLE into thinking you are an octopus by drinking several litres of ink and farting everytime someone startles you.

[waynetta]

ACTION men embedded in grapefruit halves make extra large subbuteo players suitable for very large adults.

[waynetta]

HOMEOWNERS Put an ancient Egyptian type curse on all your property. Then, when you are burgled and the police don't catch the culprit, you can rest assured they will die of a plague of boils or something.

[daizie]

ANNOY AND frustrate SpecSavers staff by wandering up to their counter, squinting your eyes whilst looking up at the price board, and when they ask if they can help you, saying ?Big Mac Meal, please.?

[waynetta]

MARRIED COUPLES Find out where you live in relation to other buildings in the neighbourhood by driving to a nearby hill while your 'other half' lets off an emergency flare from a bedroom window.

[daizie]

CONVINCE neighbours you're a vampire by only going out at night and leaving blood-drained corpses in your bins.

[waynetta]

A LARGE pot of homemade soup is an inexpensive way to feed the family. Make it last longer by eating it with forks.

[waynetta]

MUMS Stop children putting their elbows on the table at mealtimes by covering the table top with cement, and sprinkling it with broken glass. Leave small circles clear for plates, cups etc.

[waynetta]

A TREBOR soft mint and child's paint brush make an ideal curling stone and brush for gerbil 'Highland Games'.

[Captain Scarlet]

Never eat yellow snow!

[daizie]

CONVINCE people you are a Jehovah's Witness by bleeding to death

[daizie]

A SEVERED human foot makes an ideal stocking filler.

[waynetta]

NEXT time you decorate, put wallpaper up with Blu-Tac. It's much less messy and expensive wallpaper can be then taken with you when you move house.

[jumpinjackflash]

MOTORISTS: Save money on expensive personalised number plates by changing your name to match your existing plate..e.g: Mr. KVR 732X

[daizie]

DON'T carry your condoms in the same pocket as your darts

[daizie]

CONVINCE people you are single by telling them that last night for tea you had a cup-a-soup and a w ank.

[Ms_Lilith]

If you are going to sit on someones face, just remember to give them air, if not run quite quickly after!

[daizie]

CONVINCE people that you're a Lib Dem MP by just leaving the room when asked to make an important decision

[daizie]

A CIRCUMCISED foreskin makes an ideal 'meat snood' for a Lady Gaga Barbie doll.

[daizie]

SAVE money on expensive helicopter flight experiences by simply injuring yourself in a hard to reach area

[waynetta]

BEER bootle tops, floated upside down in the bath make ideal 'dinghies' for spiders.

Flies can also use them as aircraft carriers.

[felt-tip]

like the middle of my back, daizie?

[waynetta]

ANOREXICS When your knees become fatter then your legs, start eating cakes again.

[daizie]

Welcome back love, heres a good'un -

MURDERERS. Don't button your shirt all the way up to the top or people will know you're a murderer.