Top Tips

[daizie]

PRETEND TO BE from the 1920s by dressing in black and white and walking everywhere 20% faster than normal.

[waynetta]

Save on expensive loo roll by taking a gripping book to the toilet with you. You'll become so engrossed that whatever there was to wipe will have dried up by the time you put the book down.

[daizie]

TWO USED toilet roll holders sellotaped together make ideal binoculars for viewing objects that require no magnification

[????]

_------------ insert obvious joke

[daizie]

SECRET farters: a rolled up sock down the back of your underpants makes an excellent silencer

[waynetta]

Claustrophobics. Reduce the risk of panic when entering a lift by looking through the wrong end of a pair of binoculars.

[daizie]

UNICORNS. Blend in among horses by wearing a top hat

[waynetta]

Fill a shoebox with snow, then shit on it.hey presto! Expensive Belgian chocolates

[daizie]

POTATOES wrapped in tin-foil and kept in a cupboard become a welcome consolation if your house burns down.

[waynetta]

Save on laundry bills by getting your kids to keep their clothes on next time they have a bath.and get them to play with your dirty dishes instead of the usual bath toys.

[daizie]

AVOID ever having to do jury service by simply committing several serious offences

[oilworker]

Avoid the unwanted affects of deja vu simply by doing the same thing over and over again....

[????]

Women. Despite what advertisers claim, men couldn't give a shit about the size of your lashes. Buy a push-up bra instead

[Brendan]

Do women do stuff to their eye lashes?

What sort of stuff?

[HAL9000]

It's called 'fluttering' - supposed to be alluring: for greater effect, they coat their lashes with thick, black goo that makes them look longer - or so they are led to believe.

Price to weight - the black goo is probably the most profitable product on the planet.

[louisiana]

Avoid having to do jury service - while still getting time off work - by turning up at court in a pinstripe suit carrying a copy of the Torygraph. You will be dropped from all juries and your time will be your own.

[????]

Avoid doing jury service by becoming a High Court Judge

[daizie]

FOOL people into thinking you don't like sugar in your tea by saying 'none for me thanks', when asked

[waynetta]

A TUB of margarine, sent via InterFlora, is the perfect romantic gift for a girl who likes making sandwiches.

[daizie]

FEEL BETTER about all the problems in the world by simply not giving a shit

[waynetta]

DROP a table tennis ball into public urinals and invite other toilet users to play 'p1ss tennis' by directing the ball backwards and forwards along the urinal with your wee.

[Tarot]

If you havent got a barrel or large bowl for apple bobbing on Halloween parties. You could use an old babys bath.

[waynetta]

CONFUSE shopkeepers by buying a sheet of wrapping paper and asking them to wrap it.

[Tarot]

Slap you a*** and give you miserable face a rest.

[daizie]

AN OLD spectacle lens makes an ideal and easily fitted 'sunroof' for a tortoise