Becoming a SAHP

[philiphenslowe]

I am currently on maternity leave with my second child and I've done the sums + I will actually be paying to go to work when I return. During term time I will just about break even, but during school holidays I will be making quite a bit less than my childcare costs.

If you were in this situation would you stay at home and look after your children yourself for a few years until they both started primary school? I asked the same question on Facebook and most of my friends seemed horrified that I was considering leaving a gaping hole in my CV. This seemed to be far more important than spending time with my children.

In my current job there are no training or progression opportunities + I've been doing the same job for over 5 years. I had always planned to completely retrain and change careers once I had two children in school. I was previously a live music events manager and I left a career a loved because it was so family un-friendly.

Does anyone have any experience of becoming a stay at home parent? Pros & cons? What are the implications of becoming a SAHP - ie pension contributions, National Insurance etc? Is it really so unacceptable to take a career break to look after young children, then retrain and start a new career? I will still have 25-30 working years ahead of me.

Thanks x

[LondonMix]

I'm not a SAHP but I don't think the decision can be made only on financial grounds either way. Taking a few years out hurts your medium term earnings so from that perspective, financially, over the medium to long term you are likely to be better off working.

With that said, its entirely a personal decision. If you want to stay at home then do so regardless of what other people think or if it might be harder later when you return to work. As long as you can afford to and you accept all the implications, just do what feels right.

Equally there are lots of people that couldn't be SAHP no matter what as they'd be miserable. Its just so personal, I'm not sure anyone can actually give real advice to help anyone decide what's the right choice.

[Cora]

I would say that if you can, do. Once they start school they are full-time until they leave at 18 - it's a small and precious window.

[prm]

For me the key question is do you love your current job and do you want to continue doing it in the future? If the answer is yes then it's probably worth making the financial investment on childcare so that you can keep that job that you have no doubt worked so hard over the years to get to. Bear in mind sooner than you realise your children will be in school full time and you could regret having missed out on your career. However if you don't particularly enjoy your job and/or it's not something you want to continue doing in the future then it's a no brainer - stay at home and be with your children, it is very hard at times (prob harder than you realise now) but it is also the most important job u can do in your life. For me it woukd be a lot harder to be away from them doing something I don't love just so I can pay for the childcare. That I would definitively regret!

[Pickle]

It's not unacceptable at all to do what you propose, especially as you plan to retrain. I could think of nothing worse than leaving small children at home while I went out to a job I didn't like. The preschool phase is over in the blink of an eye, if you are able to afford to be at home and enjoy your children, then do it.

I left a job I was unhappy in before I had my first child nearly 9 years ago (accountant, in the city, working in banking). I've since had 3 children and have built up a bookkeeping/accountancy business that means I can work from home. Best of both worlds, as I'm home for the kids when they get back from school but using my qualifications too.

I'm surprised your friends were so negative!

Best of luck, with whatever direction you choose.

[Pickle]

Just to add - could you fit in some of your retraining while you are at home with the children? Thus cutting down the time lag before getting back to work again when the time is right?

[Lochie]

Just wanted to add another perspective. I went back to work part time before both my children were 1 years old to a job that I 'didn't mind' - for me I really wanted to stay in a career and I also enjoyed having some of the week with adults. I didn't really earn much money but I wanted to work.

My son is now in year 1 at school and my daughter due to start Reception in 9 months, and it is only now that I have a massive pull to be a SAHP. I always thought 'it will get so much easier being a working mum when they are at school' but for me I now feel the opposite. It seems I spend so much of my money on commuting, childcare before/after school and paying other people to do the stuff I could do if I was at home (e.g. cleaner). So you could say that making a choice to become a SAHM doesn't have to necessarily be when your children are babies- it could be something you decide to do in a few years time. My kids may not be babies anymore but I feel more than ever they need my time and support (I always feel so busy with all the things they need to do like clubs and homework and being on top of all the notes that come home from school/pre-school). I also love the ages they are at now and really enjoy their company and being at home with them. I feel frazzled quite a bit having to juggle work and negotiate their school life as well as their emotional needs when they get home - if I can make the finances work in the next few years I will definitely look at trying to work for myself from home or just give up work for a while.

I just wanted to share that - if you think by going back to work now means you'll be never be a SAHP that doesn't necessarily need to be the case, it could be something you return to later on.

GOOD LUCK in whatever you decide!

[Belle]

What Lochie said is very true and worth bearing in mind - and by the same token, being a SAHP now needn't be forever, I did it for a bit, then after child number 2 came along I went back to work. It used to annoy me when people said I'd "given up work", I saw it more as an extended maternity leave (albeit unpaid!). It wasn't that I was never planning on working again.

[crystal7]

I would echo belle and lochie. I have worked part time since having my first nearly 7 years ago and I find it harder than ever now (my youngest will start rec in sept) I felt very guilty leaving them as babies but they didn't have homework, school trips, forms to be handed in, after school clubs, Xmas concerts, play dates, parent workshops- the list is endless! It's a constant juggling act and schools aren't always great about giving parents notice about the next cake sale or parents evening.

Obviously only you can decide whether to be a SAHP. Perhaps looks into part time work you can do from home in the interim or training opportunities. Good luck!

[Mariamadeit]

I am a sahp I love it but it did take quite a bit of adjustment. I have been able to attend every single sports day, school trip, nativity etc that came up (only missed some trips recently due to having third baby) and for me, that is very important. It is hard, but this time is such a short window in their lives it is so worth it. If you do it, I would say that you need to make sure that time for you is factored in, I need to have something that isn't the children to give me a break.

[laurac]

I just wanted to add a comment about that 'gaping hole in your CV'; I was a SAHM for 8 years, until my youngest started reception a year ago. I actually found a job pretty easily (and probably fortuitously through a friend) in a field slightly different but related to what I used to do (I worked in regeneration/project management and have a job in transport now). I have to say now a year on that I wouldn't worry at all about that 8 year gap, I think once you get back into work, certainly in the areas I am working in, people are more interested in what you are doing now and have done recently, than in what you were doing 2/3 years ago. I also think that being at home is not 'dead-time' in terms of your own development; I have returned to work a lot more confident and relaxed about things like public speaking so please don't think you are treading water if you do decide to stay at home - I don't think that that is the case at all.

[Convex]

i don't think its a gaping hole as much as a risk that you have to start much lower to get back in - there is evidence that women don't recover financially after having kids due to discrimination and are still paid less even years down the track. clearly this is 'on average' and it depends on what type of work you do etc etc. i would not be willing to take the risk but then i am not planning to retrain or switch careers and so i am not sure its so relevant for you.

so i would echo previous posters that its a personal thing and you just need to do whats right for you and your family. there is no right or wrong answer and no decision is permanent, you can always change things later on. e.g. my mum took a year off to be a sahp when i was 13.

re the national insurance questions might it be worth seeing a financial advisor to look at options e.g. for impact on your pension?

[bluesuperted]

It's been so long since I commented on an EDF thread but this one is close to my heart (and hello to lots of my old baby days friends on here, nice to see you!).

I identify as a SAHM although I have always done bits and bobs to keep my hand in in various ways. I'm currently doing a part-time, funded PhD plus unrelated freelance projects - which I have historically done from home and in evenings and weekends. Now I do tend to spend one day a week working from home while my husband looks after both kids (which gives us a balance we all love) and he does school run etc. I never thought this would be my plan but it's been amazing - the early days of two (plus home renovation) were very tough but other than that I have enjoyed it so much and wouldn't have had it any other way. I very much went on instinct and what felt right at each step. I have been fortunate to have opportunities to keep my hand in, but (and this is why it's a personal thing) the medium/long term financial side could never have convinced me to do things differently and if I had to choose between my 3 roles, the other 2 would have been thrown to the wolves and SAHM would have always won out. I actually retrained just before my son was born and I LOVE my field. But I wanted to be at home even more than I wanted to work in that field right now. I know I can come back to it, but even if I couldn't, for me the decision would still have been to stay at home. We haven't had loads of money and at times it's been a stretch, but we've coped and I appreciate this puts us in a lucky position too. Now with a 5.4 yo in Y1 and a 2.9yo about to start preschool I am even more glad I got to spend these years with them. They have gone by so bloody fast and like you say, there will be a good 25/30 years left to work when we are good and ready. Having said that though, I don't know if I will ever work properly full-time again, it's certainly not in my vision for the primary school years at least.

I also agree with laurac - being a SAHP has lots of those elusive transferable skills, takes great skill etc and I also find I work differently and am way more efficient now; I know the value of an uninterrupted thought and an hour to get things done!

Good luck with your decision, go with what feels truly right for both you and your family - and to those friends of yours on FB, ignore them, it's an amazing step to take if you decide it's the right one for you.

[peckhamprincess82]

There was a good article on this in the Guardian Family section on the weekend - about a bloke who decided to be a stay at home dad. I think if you can do it and you are looking at retraining anyway then why not? You've got many working years in front of you so why not retrain and have more time with your kids and then end up doing a career you will really enjoy.

[philiphenslowe]

Thank you so much to everyone who has taken the time to reply to this post - I really appreciate hearing about your experiences. I've got a lot to think about x