What to do if suspect neighbour mistreating a child

[ymenik21]

There is a "mother" and a little girl living on our ground floor and I have heard her scolding that little girl in utter filth many many times and she cries a lot during the day.I know its not my business but as a mother I cant bear to hear that child cries like this.

Does anyone know what I can do?This morning was the worst of all.She screams at the child like a wolf.I cant see them from our flat so I cant say that she hits her or anything.Should I just shut up and ignore this nasty mother (I think she is the mother,she had a man living with her but not anymore)

.I can hear her cry while writing this,poor thing.....I think she must have locked her an somewhere,i can hear her banging on a door or something

[Cora]

I would talk to your/a health visitor...they should be able take it further checking up on the child and offering support to the parent without it escalating unless necessary. They should be able to take your information confidentially too.

[sophiesofa]

I'd ring child protection services (if that's what they're called) I know it sounds a bit extreme but far better to er on the side of caution with things as important as child safety. I think (although I don't know) a health visitor would be obliged to inform the police or child protection if it was reported to them anyway.

[ymenik21]

Thanks Cora and Sophiesofa about the tips.I thought of the HV too but I did not know how confidential it is,(I dont want to put my self and my family in trouble,coz you simply don't know what people might do)

I will wait till my partner comes back from work and do something soon,it was traumatizing listening to the incident this morning and your comments really helped.

Better get back to my studies now :)exams in a weeks time........

Cheers All

[intexasatthe moment]

How awful ,good for you to be interested to try and help.

Agree HV good idea.#

Maybe change title of your thread to something like " What to do if suspect neighbour mistreating child ? "

Then maybe more people could offer advice ?

[Pickle]

Edited post as I've since had a long chat with the person involved :)

[iaineasy]

Pickle

She is from a different culture and therefore may have a different outlook on what's best for her kids, no offence love but I'm not sure you can involve yourself with her, without your (strained) relationship falling apart totally and being left with a neighbour from hell to deal with. As much as it worries you nothing terrible has happened yet and the other two kids are old enough to raise an alarm should there be a need, besides she may have told them to keep an eye on the nipper and they maybe old and responsible enough to take that seriously. Obviouasly I am in no position to give anyoneadvice as I haven't had mine yet, but there care (the kids next door) is not your responsibility so don't beat your self up about it!!

hugs

ymenik

are you sure this isn't just a two year old having a big tantrum?? I am lead to beleive that it happens alot at that age and a neighbour who has to listen to it could be thinking the worst. Talk to your neighbour she may be at her wits end with the crying and stuff herself and may just need a good old nag at a freind, if you chat with her you will find out pretty soon if she is as nasty as you think then if needs be take it further. Having a load of social services all over her may be the last thing she deserves or needs.

hugs 2 you too

Iain.

[Pickle]

Thanks Iain, I'm sure the older 2 are sensible and it is a personal thing you're right. The already strained relations are the reason why I've stayed out of it so far, as I don't want a neighbours from hell situation!

[candj]

I've PM'd you Pickle.

-C x

[ymenik21]

Iain

I don't think I want to go downstairs and talk to her I am afraid,on the few occasions we spoke with her she was pretty unfriendly and I don't want her to know that its me who reported the scene in the event that I have to report this to the authorities.

They used to play really loud music there till like 5 in the morning on weekends and would not really turn it down even if we asked them to.(This is before her partner left her )

She is the type of person who shut the door on your face so last thing \I want to do is knock on her door.

About me misunderstanding the whole issues is possible but very unlikely,I clearly heard her filthy scolds for hours this morning and the child crying each time she screamed in filth.

I dont think any mother should call her children big F words in my opinion.And I certainly don't want to hear them,glad my child is too little to notice,

Sam

[Ted Max]

Ymenik/ Sam

Here is a link with the information and numbers you need. As well-meaning as people are on here, I think you need to talk to a professional. I quote "they will keep your personal details private if requested."

http://www.southwark.gov.uk/YourServices/childrenandfamilies/safeguardingchildren/keepingchildrensafe_parents.html

[ymenik21]

I hope I did not offend you Iain.Did not mean to but when I read my post it sound a bit unfriendly,sorry about that,I ma not a good English speaker ...:)

[candj]

Sam,

Perhaps Children's Social Services is the way to go. At least they can keep a record on her should things escalate and get worse. Emotional abuse of children should not be tolerated, in my humble opinion, and you are being a good neighbour to be worried. Hope it's resolved soon.

Best,

-C

Edited to say cross posted with Ted Max (obviously takes me 6 minutes to add the link!).

[helena handbasket]

iaineasy Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Pickle

>

> She is from a different culture and therefore may

> have a different outlook on what's best for her

> kids, no offence love but I'm not sure you can

> involve yourself with her, without your (strained)

> relationship falling apart totally and being left

> with a neighbour from hell to deal with. As much

> as it worries you nothing terrible has happened

> yet and the other two kids are old enough to raise

> an alarm should there be a need, besides she may

> have told them to keep an eye on the nipper and

> they maybe old and responsible enough to take that

> seriously. Obviouasly I am in no position to give

> anyoneadvice as I haven't had mine yet, but there

> care (the kids next door) is not your

> responsibility so don't beat your self up about

> it!!

>

> hugs

>

> ymenik

>

> are you sure this isn't just a two year old having

> a big tantrum?? I am lead to beleive that it

> happens alot at that age and a neighbour who has

> to listen to it could be thinking the worst. Talk

> to your neighbour she may be at her wits end with

> the crying and stuff herself and may just need a

> good old nag at a freind, if you chat with her you

> will find out pretty soon if she is as nasty as

> you think then if needs be take it further. Having

> a load of social services all over her may be the

> last thing she deserves or needs.

>

> hugs 2 you too

>

> Iain.

Iain, very wise for a not yet parent. I have to admit that I've had the odd DARK day as a parent to a toddler...... new city, new country, terrible twos, lonely and homesick and frustrated by London. Throw in lack of sleep and a toddler having a tantrum to end all tantrums, and I promise you even the most level headed people snap sometimes. And if my neighbors heard those few moments of mommy insanity, I'm sure they would have called social services too. And I'd be on some list with a red "x" next to it and what would be solved? It's not an excuse, but people are human and sometimes it's hard to imagine what someone is going through without walking a mile in their shoes. Maybe ask her how she is next time you see her, sometimes all a person needs to make it through is a small kindness.

I am BY No MEANS advocating child abuse, obviously, but without proper perspective conclusions can be very wrong. And being wrong in cases like this can be very dangerous.

[Polly D]

Hmmmm, a very tricky one ymenik21. I was in the same situation when living in Spain a while ago. Heard some absolutely shocking abuse from my neighbour to her 9 year old daughter. The mother would even make the child scrub her mattress out in the street to show people how 'naughty' she was for wetting the bed at her age, when of course the poor love was doing that out of fear of her family situation. I spoke to my dad who, as a professional in child family therapy, said if you are ever concerned that a child is at risk, you should alert the authorities. And as I was working at that child's school at the time, I spoke to the Head and she said they were well aware of the situation so I left it in their hands. This didn't stop the mother, however, coming round a few days later and accusing me of reporting her to social services - NOT a very pleasant experience I can tell you.

It's still very hard to know what's the right thing to do and how much to get involved. As Iain said, she could be in need of a friendly shoulder to cry on but you've kind of got the impression of her that she might not be forthcoming.

Is there anyone else who she is in regular contact with - a family member or friend who you could 'bump' into and discuss your concerns with?

[hpsaucey]

You can always ring the NSPCC Helpline instead. Their number is: 0808 800 5000. I know how you feel - tricky situation. BUT - this child is being abused if she's being spoken to like this! Whatever the reasons and whatever stress the 'mother' is under that cannot be right. Whether she just needs support/parenting/counselling or if its more serious the child's welfare has got to be the priority as she's vulnerable. Its always a personal decision but personally I'd ring the NSPCC or one of the other people suggested on here.

Good luck - let us know how it goes?????

H

[iaineasy]

I hope I did not offend you Iain.Did not mean to but when I read my post it sound a bit unfriendly,sorry about that,I ma not a good English speaker ...smiling smiley

no worries. hugs.xx

[curlykaren]

I had a similar situation, my upstairs neighbours would mercilessly bully their son in, 'the name of the lord' eg: screaming...'why did the lord give me a devil child like you' etc etc, I couldn't tell if he was being hit but could hear clearly that in the very least he would be scrambling around his home trying to get away from his mother during these episodes. This was before I was a mum myself but even so it turned me into a nervous wreck, worrying if he was ok. I eventually called childrens services and was very glad I did as shortly after he was in such a panic during one bullying session he jumped out of the first floor window to get away. Perhaps you should think to yourselves, which would make you feel worse, strained realtions with a neighbour, or seeing an ambulance arrive to treat a kid who has been injured through neglect??

Please call somebody xx

[espelli]

Ymenik21 - I completely understand your reluctance to act but if listening to the shouting through walls and in the safety of your own home has left you shaken and upset imagine what it is doing to that little girl. She cannot escape from it and she needs your help. Put yourself in her shoes. Please do not wait until something irreversible happens. The NSPCC will keep your identity confidential and if she is too young for childcare or school this may not get picked up any other way and may continue for years.

[trinity]

Hi Ymenik21,

If I were in your position I would speak to social services in Southwark immediately. At best this lady needs help and support with her parenting and at worst the child needs direct intervention to remove her from the situation.

A few months ago I called social services as I had concerns about 2 young children being left on their own for long periods of time. A social worker and police constable visited within a day to check the situation and, as far as I can tell, it hasn't happened since.

The social worker I spoke to was very grateful for my call and reassured me that I had done the right think by calling in my concerns.

This little child may have no-one else to speak for her so please voice your concerns. They will be taken seriously and they will be investigated. Social services will also treat the information in confidence.

Hi Pickle,

I would have thought that leaving children of the age you mentioned for 5 or 10 mins was within the realms of reasonableness if the older children were quite responsible. Leaving the little one in the bath age 2 whilst you leave the house doesn't seem reasonable but does it come down to neglect or just stupid parenting. I think thats a tough call.

[*Anna*]

Please both of you report this to someone, it doesnt matter if its a call to the wrong person to start with but please tell someone. Prevention is better than cure by a long way...

[cam_beauty]

I recently attended a childminding course and they suggested to us if we are aware of any abuse including non-physical abuse e.g. swearing etc at a child and bullying then it would be best if this is taken up with the local council.

This is what they say on the Southwark Council website:

Children and Family Care

A happy, secure family life is the most important thing in a child's life. However, all families experience difficulties from time to time and need to rely on outside help for support. This can be due to health, financial or personal problems and in most cases difficulties are temporary. We are here to help in those times.

Our work with children and families is governed by the Children's Act 2004 which requires us to help and protect children in need by working in partnership with parents and carers. These web pages outline our key social care services for children, young people and families.

Contact

Children's services

Tel: 0845 600 1287

Mabel Goldwin House

49 Grange Walk

London

SE1 3DY

[womanofdulwich]

I think this is the hardest thing. I still cannot get over 2 doctors leaving 2 babies and a toddler in an apartment in Spain, when there was a babysitting service and money was not a problem.

[180176]

yes, womanofdulwich, im fairly sure those two doctors can't get over it either. unbelievable.

yemnik - you have to report it, completely understand why you would feel nervous of doing so but childrens services etc must be used to handling this kind of situation and would be able to ensure absolute discretion.

[hpsaucey]

Anyone know what happened? Was it reported????