Return of the Pants Poo

[Ellie78]

My son has been potty trained since May this year (he was three in June, but we only got round to it later for various reasons).

Bar the occasional accident, he's been really good about it going to the toilet.

For the past week, he's been making the conscious decision to poo in his pants. He has done most of the poos this way. He's sometimes gone off to his room and shut the door, to go and poo in secret. Other times, it's been when he's been left by himself (well, when I say by himself - we're there, he's just playing by himself). This happens at nursery too - he's there 5 days a week.

There's an obvious element of autonomy here, but I worry he's also after our attention in some roundabout way. I'm starting to handle this really badly. I was patient and not bothered about it at first, but I just got really upset with him about it and I know this doesn't really help. I think it's him 'punishing' us (because he knows we 'don't like it') and he was smiling to himself about it just now. We're putting him back in training pants, which he's not happy about, but I don't know whether that's the best thing to do or counterproductive.

I just wondered why and what other people have done in this scenario. I feel like I'm going completely wrong here.

[Convex]

no advice, but sympathy. and if you would feel comfortable doing so, ask advice from nursery and meet with his keyworker to agree a consistent plan for you both to use?

[Ellie78]

That's ok - I don't think it's too uncommon, but thanks for the sympathy! I feel I need it. We've binned two pairs of pants and I'm reaching for the wine.

On that point, I feel sooo much better when I sing it to that 1996 classic 'return of the Mack'

'Once again'

'Watch the flow'

[goldilocks]

Couple of thoughts

1. Buy cheap pants from sainsburys and bin them - see you said you had above, but really keep doing that - cleaning poo off pants is horrible and Sainsbury's pants aren't significantly more ?? than pampers!

2. Is there any other reason - ie is he constipated? If not its probably an annoying phase that will pass. Bribes may work? My eldest has had lots of poo issues and would only poo in a pull up for the first year he was toilet trained - suddenly decided he'd do his poos on the toilet aged 3.5 and hasn't looked back - frustrating at the time but we just left him to what he wanted as didn't want it to become a huge issue

[devsdev]

Sounds really stressful. With my daughter I've found that whenever we've tussled over the toilet (i.e. when I insist she needs to try to wee or poo etc) then she's pushed back and tried to take control by refusing. It's really hard, especially when you can anticipate there might be an accident (or a deliberate choice to not use the loo). Drinking wine, having cheap underwear, going with pull-ups seems the way forward. Let him have his control and decide on his terms. Not worth the battle since it'll just make you all more stressed. Good luck!

[Ellie78]

Thanks everyone! Yes, I think the consensus is that trick is not to engage...

I will endeavour not to get wound up by it. I apologised to him yesterday when we were reading stories in bed, and I said that I wouldn't get cross any more - whatever he did in his pants. So I'm now tied by verbal agreement, as well as moral obligation. Wish me luck.

[midivydale]

Have you tried the dry like me pads? Saved us alot of pants but otherwise i would follow the cheap pants option too.

Also echoing poster who asked about constipation (how is his allergies?) as we have had alot of issues with this which creates anxitey about going and then withholding which obviously makes everything worse.

I contacted an amazing helpgroup (on suggestion by forumite saffron) called eric and they were really lovely in helping with suggestions (deal with soiling/anxiety/refusal to use potty etc).

And remember, even this shall pass and until then, wine helps 😄

[buggie]

ERIC website is an amazing resource (have great fridge magnet about poo from them which I'm going to sneak onto our fridge at somepoint!).

Plus, Google "Poo goes to Pooland" it's a pdf or even available on YouTube and is a v simple story about why poo needs to go in the toilet (so that it can be reunited with its friends & families!) was written by a psychologist & is v clever at acknowledging fears while giving a rationale easily understood by a child (& not too far from the truth!).

[Belle]

Ooh did not know about Eric.

But just to say we could write the book on this. We finally potty trained my son (now 4 and a bit) about six or 7 months ago. When I say potty trained, I mean half - after about a month he was mostly dry... but after initial success with poos, he went on to poos his pants. Daily. Without fail. For six months. So I feel your pain. I got to the stage where it was just normal for me to be cleaning his bum in the middle of Goose Green playground watched by lots of other curious kids and parents! Then he started school nursery and after a month or so (we think he just didn't poo while he was there) he suddenly announced he had pooed on the toilet at nursery. Couldn't believe it. We've had I think one poo accident since then (this was late October). He has the odd wee accident like they all do but generally speaking he's just got it. We had tried everything (barring Eric which I didn't know about) - every book and approach etc. But in the end it had to come from him. I know this isn't helpful but I do think it's no coincidence that we had visibly relaxed once he was at nursery - when we realised really there was nothing we could do! In a way it was a massive relief to think that way, so it was then a very pleasant surprise when he cracked it all of his own accord.

Good luck - you'll get there.

[Belle]

Ps - my son was very deliberate about it, as you describe with your son - absolutely knew what he was doing, would go somewhere particular to do it etc. I think he just go to the point where he found it way more comfortable than a potty or a toilet (we had some success after this with using a step/box in front of the toilet to give him a better sitting on the loo position !).

[Dun]

We used one of these and it was perfect: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Toddler-Potty-Training-Toilet-Ladder/dp/B006DLFHZS/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1448965313&sr=8-1&keywords=toilet+step+and+seat

Ours had a removeable potty so my child got used to the potty and then it unfolds and converted to become the step and toilet seat that sits on your loo. I think there is something about the step and frame makes them feel more secure when using the loo.

Just remember that come what may, he will use the loo eventually, so take a deep breath and exhale softly. : )

[devsdev]

In case of constipation (which may not be the problem here) - there's the poop smoothie! (*does not contain poop)

http://www.jamieglowacki.com/struggling-with-getting-poop-in-the-potty/

This woman is awesome btw, her potty training method really worked for us...mainly because it was child led/parent guided. I still had my freak out moments, but reading her book made me chill out marginally.