For idiots on buses

[Domitianus]

Idiots on buses, I realise that you think you have mastered the art of inconveniencing other passengers and acting like a totally incompetent prat but, just in case your repertoire of incompetence, your palette of moronity is not yet fully complete, here is a summary of a few behaviours I have encountered on the buses that will help you lift your game:

1. If the bus is only half full and there is plenty of standing room in the standing bay half way along the lower deck - DON'T USE IT! Instead stand right beside the rear doors as this will allow you to massively inconvenience EVERYONE attempting to get off the bus.

2. Tactic 1 is particularly effective if there are two of you and you can each stand on opposite sides of the door. If you have large bags that you can set on the floor to cause additional obstruction - all the better.

3. Tactics 1 & 2 are made even more effective if you occupy these positions at least twenty stops before the one you intend to get off at.

4. Add to your stupidity by not learning in any way from people having to push past you every time the bus stops. STAND YOUR GROUND - you know it annoys and, after all, you have paid your fare and are entitled to be an anti-social a***hole!

5. If there are seats available at the back of the lower deck - DON'T OCCUPY THEM! Instead, stand in the aisle preventing anyone else moving past you to get a seat.

6. Tactic 5 is particularly effective when the standing bay has plenty of space and THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO PRACTICAL REASON FOR YOU HAVING TO STAND IN THE AISLE AT ALL!

7. As with our first tactic, points 5 & 6 are particularly effective if you occupy this position miles before you reach your stop - MAXIMUM INCONVENIENCE TO OTHERS GUARANTEED!

8. If you are occupying a free double seat, ENSURE THAT YOU SIT ON THE AISLE SIDE! After all, everyone knows that if you sit on the window seat you'll probably contract cancer, go insane, suffer claustrophobia etc etc.

9. Further to point 8, if you see people standing who might want the seat you are blocking, MAKE NO EFFORT TO MOVE WHATSOEVER!

10. Re points 8 & 9, if someone does ask to sit down, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES MOVE OVER TO SIT ON THE WINDOW SEAT. As noted, sitting on the window side would be the end of civilisation as we know it. Swing your legs into the aisle with bad grace and insist that the other party climb over you to reach the window seat.

11. Tactic 10 is particularly effective if the other party is carrying heavy bags.

12. This one really is the coup de grace, the icing on the cake, the tactic that sorts the truly irritating, selfish tosser from the also-ran. If you can, take the aisle-side seat on the rear-facing seats at the back of the lower deck. If someone has to clamber over you (preferably with heavy bags) to access the window seat there is a very good chance that you will cause them to fall on, step on the toes of and clobber with their bags, the poor buggers sitting opposite on the forward-facing seats. Now THAT truly is a class act!

[ratty]

nice

[lilolil]

I take it you had a good bus journey then???

OR you could open your laptop beside them....

[Loz]

Tactic No 1 is really, REALLY effective in the mornings if a group of about 6 of you all congregate near the driver, who then will drive off without opening the doors leaving loads of people at the bus stop, even though there is room for at least ten more people.

This may be spoilt by an annoyed looking bloke bashing on the window yelling "MOVE DOWN THE BLOODY BUS". Ignore him. (Not that I need to tell you to ignore him. You do anyway)

[Ladymuck]

Domitianus...I am extremely disappointed that you haven't added to your extensive list "feet on seats"...could it be because you are one of "those people" who partake in this activity?;-)

[Sue]

You have forgotten the person/people who stands/stand a few steps up the stairs, thus indicating "the upper deck is full", when actually it is about half empty.

Or the person who says "there's no seats upstairs" when they haven't actually ventured to the back, where there are several vacant seats.

(6)

[SCSB79]

You missed out sitting in a window seat but putting all your earthly belongings on the aisle seat so no one can sit next to you - and then tutting and moaning if some poor soul asks you to move your stuff....

p.s if you are someone who does the above - I love targetting you on purpose and asking to sit next to you.

[Ladymuck]

Sue Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> You have forgotten the person/people who

> stands/stand a few steps up the stairs, thus

> indicating "the upper deck is full", when actually

> it is about half empty.

>

> Or the person who says "there's no seats upstairs"

> when they haven't actually ventured to the back,

> where there are several vacant seats.

>

> (6)

...or the selfish git who takes up 2 seats - one for him/herself, one for his/her shopping

EDIT: OOPS! CROSS POSTED

[Ladymuck]

Oh, and we must not forget the inconsiderate pillock who sits in the "priority" seat and refuses to budge when an elderly lady/man, pregnant mum etc, who very obviously needs the seat, wishes to sit down

[Ladymuck]

SCSB79 Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> You missed out sitting in a window seat but

> putting all your earthly belongings on the aisle

> seat so no one can sit next to you - and then

> tutting and moaning if some poor soul asks you to

> move your stuff....

>

>

p.s if you are someone who does the above - I love

> targetting you on purpose and asking to sit next

> to you.

Me too! he he

[SCSB79]

Ladymuck Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> SCSB79 Wrote:

> --------------------------------------------------

> -----

> > You missed out sitting in a window seat but

> > putting all your earthly belongings on the

> aisle

> > seat so no one can sit next to you - and then

> > tutting and moaning if some poor soul asks you

> to

> > move your stuff....

> >

> > p.s if you are someone who does the above - I

> love

> > targetting you on purpose and asking to sit

> next

> > to you.

>

>

>

> Me too! he he

They deserve it!!!

[Applespider]

Can we add those who stand at the top of the stairs and remain there while the driver plays the 'no standing on the upper deck and stairs' message ad nauseam until someone sitting nearby points out that it's aimed at them...

[Oily Telly Tyke]

Also remember to neither buy or use headphones while playing dogsh!t music from your mobile phone.

[Ladymuck]

Oh well, as we're clearly on a "roll" here, how about the THOUGHTLESS CRETINS who gorge themselves on KFC and then throw the resultant rubbish on the floor (bones and all) for all and sundry to slip over.

[veryseriousgirl]

Domitianus Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

>

> > 10. Re points 8 & 9, if someone does ask to sit

> down, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES MOVE OVER TO SIT ON

> THE WINDOW SEAT. As noted, sitting on the window

> side would be the end of civilisation as we know

> it. Swing your legs into the aisle with bad grace

> and insist that the other party climb over you to

> reach the window seat.

>

> 11. Tactic 10 is particularly effective if the

> other party is carrying heavy bags.

Extra point too, if the person is both carrying heavy bags and heavily pregnant! A woman did this to me last week and, I'm afraid, had the exquisite pleasure of being pushed backwards by my bum, since the bump had nowhere else to go.

[woofmarkthedog]

DOM.....Wrote;

1. If the bus is only half full and there is plenty of standing room in the standing bay half way along the lower deck - DON'T USE IT! Instead stand right beside the rear doors as this will allow you to massively inconvenience EVERYONE attempting to get off the bus.

2. Tactic 1 is particularly effective if there are two of you and you can each stand on opposite sides of the door. If you have large bags that you can set on the floor to cause additional obstruction - all the better.

3. Tactics 1 & 2 are made even more effective if you occupy these positions at least twenty stops before the one you intend to get off at.

4. Add to your stupidity by not learning in any way from people having to push past you every time the bus stops. STAND YOUR GROUND - you know it annoys and, after all, you have paid your fare and are entitled to be an anti-social a***hole!

____________________________________________________________________________________________

So we have met, couldn't hear you as my head phones were up "Loud"

W**F

[Ladymuck]

...oooh, we've forgotten the MESSY LITTER-LOUT who thinks nothing of throwing on the floor his half consumed bottle of fizzy pop so that it rolls incessantly all over the bus eventually spilling out all over the place...

[jaybee82]

I totally agree with everything above!

I particularly enjoy it when some Clearasil-deprived oik decides to broadcast muffled, nondescript mysogynistic rap music from the speaker of his/her Nokia. This is only to be attempted when sitting at the very back of the bus on the top deck for maximum coolness. Oh and if you can, take a call and put it on speakerphone for everyone to hear.

Edited so as not to be sexist...

[womanofdulwich]

what about the silent stinker? dont wash and pxss your pants but look fairly normal, gradually everyone gets off the bus- or moves away- then someone like me gets on and thinks - ooh plenty of space at the back, go and sit down and then realize why and everyone else avoids eye contact with you. then you have to try and sit out the rest of the journey without breathing...........

[Ladymuck]

womanofdulwich Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> what about the silent stinker? dont wash and pxss

> your pants but look fairly normal, gradually

> everyone gets off the bus- or moves away- then

> someone like me gets on and thinks - ooh plenty of

> space at the back, go and sit down and then

> realize why and everyone else avoids eye contact

> with you. then you have to try and sit out the

> rest of the journey without breathing...........

oh yes, sorry about that womanofdulwich...I'd been shovelling manure at my allotment that day!:))

No seriously, that IS awful when that happens.

[matthew123]

Surely it depends who wants to sit next to you whether you move onto the window seat - there is no way anyone moves to the window seat if someone built like a rhino wants to sit down. Best keep the aisle as at least you can escape and not be crushed into a sadine tin! :))

[Domitianus]

Ladymuck Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Domitianus...I am extremely disappointed that you

> haven't added to your extensive list "feet on

> seats"...could it be because you are one of "those

> people" who partake in this activity?;-)

Never, and I agree with you, Mucky Lady.

[siousxiesue]

my particular favourite is someone who waits for the bus, sees the bus and gets on the bus-ONLY THEN TO START LOOKING FOR THEIR BUS PASS..........

[Narnia]

Ladymuck Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Oh, and we must not forget the inconsiderate

> pillock who sits in the "priority" seat and

> refuses to budge when an elderly lady/man,

> pregnant mum etc, who very obviously needs the

> seat, wishes to sit down

I feel I must add a word of caution as an irregular bus user. On the 185 to Forest Hill to get the train there was an incident where some people complained that a seat reserved for the old etc was not given up to an old lady who got on the bus.

Such were the comments regarding the youngish looking chap in shades that the driver decided to get out of his cabin or whatever that place is called, to resolve the issue. The poor guy who was confronted, took his glasses off to say that 'I'm only sitting here because I am blind'.

What made me sick was this bigmouth at the back of the bus who made sure everyone heard, said that it should be a law that every blind person should have to carry a white stick with them.

The moral of the story is that sometimes everything is not what it seems to be.

[Ladymuck]

Declan Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Ladymuck Wrote:

> --------------------------------------------------

> -----

> > Oh, and we must not forget the inconsiderate

> > pillock who sits in the "priority" seat and

> > refuses to budge when an elderly lady/man,

> > pregnant mum etc, who very obviously needs the

> > seat, wishes to sit down

>

> I feel I must add a word of caution as an

> irregular bus user. On the 185 to Forest Hill to

> get the train there was an incident where some

> people complained that a seat reserved for the old

> etc was not given up to an old lady who got on the

> bus.

>

> Such were the comments regarding the youngish

> looking chap in shades that the driver decided to

> get out of his cabin or whatever that place is

> called, to resolve the issue. The poor guy who was

> confronted, took his glasses off to say that 'I'm

> only sitting here because I am blind'.

>

> What made me sick was this bigmouth at the back of

> the bus who made sure everyone heard, said that it

> should be a law that every blind person should

> have to carry a white stick with them.

>

> The moral of the story is that sometimes

> everything is not what it seems to be.

Absolutely Declan...am with you 100%. Not a very nice story that one.