Anyone got step-kids?

[KateMontero]

Hello

I have been a step-mother to 2 girls for the last 5 years. At first it was just hard to adapt. Now I've finally adapted it's just hard; the girls are teenagers and boy are they showing it.

Overnight it's gone from happy families to hatred and loathing in the south east. I'd love to talk to a real person in my situation....

I've barely met anyone of my age (30) with this issue. And believe me it does feel like an issue these days, rather than the pleasure it used to me.

So if there are any of you out there who would like to meet up please do PM me.

Kate x

[iaineasy]

sorry about your situation, I was a step kid that hated my father with all my heart but I grew oout of it as I got older and realised I couldn't change the situation. I hope things pan out for you. stick ewith it they need you even if oits the last thing in the world they will admit, tennage angst sucks for them too just in a bit of a different way.

hugs

Iain

[intexasatthe moment]

Kate - not a stepmother ,but sending my heartfelt sympathies.

I do think teenage girls can be very,very tricky .

Not to diminish complexities of step mother situation ,but feel sure awfulness would be in place whatever your status.

[KateMontero]

That is a comfort of sorts.... It's just growing out of it can take an awfully long time - I know as I was a difficult teenager myself - and the elder is only 14 so it's a fair haul :(

[lorraineliyanage]

Kate - I've only met one other step-mother other than you so far :)

[KateMontero]

Yes, I've only met you and older women of my mum's age. The thing is, having step-children under 10 is quite different to having teens in my experience.

[sian]

sympathies. think all teenagers are trying. have you looked at mumsnet to see if anyone there has advice/info ?

[Helen GV]

I became a step kid to a 30 year old when I was 12, it wasn't easy for anyone really! MInd you when both families were there we numbered 10 so there were bound to be difficulties... I didn't mind my step mother but there were tensions between her and my mum, and her and my little sister, and of course my loyalties lay with my family. It can be so complicated as there are so many dynamics in play with step families, never mind when you add teenage girls to the mix!

Don't put all the pressure on yourself to make things work, it's up to everyone to help, and if they're unwilling then there's not a lot you can do.

[nicolemodesti]

Hi Kate, don't count on the fact of having stepkids under 10 being any different!! My stepson, who is 10, created a huge strain over the summer while staying with us. Unfortunately we only managed 2 weeks rather than the 4 weeks and he had to be flown home early. Needless to say and quite sadly he does not want to be around me which makes visits to us very difficult. There was no hint of his turning on me as we had experienced such pleasure over the last year of my own sons life. So it looks like I am in for a very rocky road with his impending teenage years approaching!! Good luck.

[KateMontero]

It is very difficult for me to understand why a child (or children) being unpleasant and disrespectful has such a big effect on an adult who isn;t directly related. I find it almost impossible to endure the long week-ends (Friday-Monday) when we have the girls at our house because I can't seem to float above the attitude... Thanks for all the replies to this post - they have been interesting.

[shoshntosh]

dear kate i was the teenage stepchild of two people in their thirties (both my parents remarried younger partners) and i'm sure i was no joy. i needed some alone time with my real parents and felt like i never got it. would it be possible for your husband to have some time alone with his daughters? it wasn't that i didn't like the step-parents exactly... it's just that i preferred my own parents and felt like i ALREADY got half-time with them and then that half-time was further compromised by having to share them with someone else.

being a teenager is really difficult under the best of circumstances. the way my six year old speaks to me sometimes... my god, i am dreading it! however, someone very wise once told me that they key with teenager's attitudes is to give them wide berth (i.e. basically try to ignore/accept their attitude) because a) trying to change it will lead to more conflict and b) they will eventually come back to you (when they are no longer victims of their hormones).

i really feel for you. when i was 29 i dated a guy for a year who had three daughters. it was a challenge. the good news is that they are now adults and have recently sent me facebook friends' requests. i'm delighted!

good luck

shosh xx

[Ann]

Hi Kate, I've no experience of step-children but have teenagers of my own. I couldn't imagine having the mother/daughter rows that we have with some-one else's child.

You have a baby of your own now I believe. I wonder if the new baby is part of the problem. Perhaps the girls are resentful of the new family that you and your partner now have? Competition for their fathers' and indeed your affection might be part of the problem.

I hope life gets back to normal for you soon.

Ann

[pebbles]

I agree with Shosh re quality time with their daddy

I had a step mum from 13 onwards.

Pretty much the MAIN problem i had was she never allowed me to see my father on my own. Now that i'm in my 30's and trust me it has had a lasting affect and it is something i still think about (my father has since died and i no longer see my step mum - her choice not mine!!!) anyway, i look back now and realise with two older brothers i really was the apple of my fathers eye and therefore my step mother couldn't cope with me having quality time with him as she was jealous and therefore it made me resent her even more, become a brat around her and for my father to be totally torn between the two of us trying to make us both happy but normally failing on both accounts.

Obviously I have absolutely no idea what sort of step mummy you are and i'm sure you are absolutely lovely however teenagers do struggle with the sharing of parents so the only bit of advice is try and make as many plans for you to be out of the house or for them and your husband to be out of the house together. then the time they spend with him they'll get his attention fully and then when you are all together hopefully it'll be short enough (sorry that sounds dreadful) for them to start appreciating you more and that hopefully in time they won't want it to be a short amount of time and they'll grow to love you for who you are and not for taking their mummy's place.

also the other thing to take into account is how their mother talks about you. i was very lucky in that my mother never bitched about my step mother and just discussed with with her friends so my feelings were solely my own however from friends who didn't have that support from their mothers had automatic views on their step mums before they could form their own. I don't know how one deals with this situation but it's definitely worth thinking about.

I truly wish you all the luck in the world as i know for my daddy i would have loved to have had an amicable relationship with my step mu.

Good luck and pls keep us informed.

[KateMontero]

Hi

A couple of points: I've always let the girls have alone time with their dad. Often whole week-ends where I've gone away, and always a minimum of an afternoon or morning but usually a whole day. I can see it still might not feel like enough. Since reading these posts my husband and I have also agreed he'll take them out on wednesdays evenings alone so they get even more 1:1 time.

And, their mother has never met me but I believe she in uncomplementary about me. I think there is Chinese whispers though, as their mother only gets the girls' reports of me and what I say (often misinterpreted) and so her opinions are based on theirs. Not very sound!

In addition, we do have a 9 month old baby, who is their brother and I allow them full access to him all the time (which I should). However, I can't be vanishing for the whole week-end. If I leave my son with them then I don't get to spend time with him which is essential as I'm now back to work so week-ends are precious to me. But if I vansh with him, they don't get to spend time with him and that's also not fair. Complicated, eh?

I think I'm pretty good as a step-mother, or at least I used to be, but not coping very well with the hostility. It brings out the worst in me.

Thanks everyone for the comments though. For every wicked step mother cliche, it seems their is a wronged stepchild cliche. It's nice to hear more positive accounts from ex-step-children as well as the rotten ones. I know both are valid, but sometimes you only hear the bad.

Kate x

[nicolemodesti]

Kate,

You are doing all you can!! I have done exactly the same as you and am still in a difficult situation. I'm sure you still are good as a stepmother and haven't changed one bit. Having met both you and your husband, I saw that you were both very natural and calm people. This time is very trying for you.

Your point of not being able to vanish is quite valid, plus it is your home and you should not have to. Also when would your husband spend time with your son and his daughters as a family unit?

Mothers being uncomplimentary about us certainly does not help and I have had my share of comments relayed to me by my stepson, as well as ranting and verbal abuse down the phone, and unfortunately you shall always be in the wrong! Take it on the chin as I am sure that if you were such an unfavourable person then your husband would not be with you, allow you contact with his daughters or have even had another child with you.Personally we have found that since our boy started walking at 10 months and into everything the situation became unbearable. I felt so uncomfortable in my own home, which surely you should not, whereas my stepson seemed to thrive on the tension.

We have tried quality time with Daddy, special treats and whatever else we could think of and to no avail so I guess that I, like you, shall wear the mantle of wicked step mother with a feeling of regret and sorrow! Oh and look forward to the teenage years!!

Take care Kate and if you do find some sort of miracle then please let me know!!xx

[SteveT]

nicolemodesti wrote:-

I felt so uncomfortable in my own home, which surely you should not, whereas my stepson seemed to thrive on the tension.

It sounds to me nicole that you should make clear to all concerned how they should behave around you, and if they dont they will forfeit something of value like his pocket money, certain dishes they enjoy will not be produced and exchanged for lumpy porridge etc.

You are a boss and not to be trampled on, you are the one in charge and they should all recognise that, and if they dont you are not being clear enough about the house rules. Let them worry about you and your needs. Make the boundaries very clear, and if they are crossed swift retribution is essential.

I had a stepmum and there was no nonsense, what she said was the rules, and at that time from nine until I left home at eighteen, I thought she was a cantankerous cow, but as I aged we became much friendlier and I used to take here out for some years after my father died,and would spoil her now and again until she died in her eighties. She was a really nice and good lady and someone I missed very much after she died.

I do hope this helps.

[nicolemodesti]

Thanks for your advice Steve T.....

We did try all that you suggested and to no avail. The situation that I felt uncomfortable with in my home was the fact that he was fabricating rather exaggerated stories about me, that we found rather disturbing. Not to go into on here!!His lack of respect for mine and my partners relationship is rather dreadful. I also failed to mention that I am a teacher and am well and truly accustomed to setting rules, boundaries and behaviour management. I am rather highly qualified so do know a few things. Unfortunately our house rules etc do not marry with the house rules that he is accustomed to in his own environment. So his mother seems to think that we are too harsh in expecting that he, at the age of 10, make his bed, run a bath, earn his pocket money or not be allowed to run around outside til 9pm!! God forbid if we then don't allow him his 'daily treat'!! I shall hold onto the thought that maybe it will change in the future but I really don't see it happening soon.

[SteveT]

nicolemodesti wrote:- fabricating rather exaggerated stories about me.....

I think that behaviour deserves a ban from visiting your house for a period, and any other 'playing up' should result in exclusion from participating in the good things that happen in your household.

It's his father's responsibility to make this happen though, it demonstrates a united front which you are both in full agreement of the punishment.

If my brother or myself had been caught telling lies, that was a serious offence and would have warranted a couple of slaps. Hard enough to not want a repeat dosage anyway but things were tougher in the fifties, and giving the kids a clout mainly for the benefit of the parents sanity was commonplace.

[KateMontero]

Unlike Nicole my husband and I started all wrong. I'm basically with Steve T in that I believe I should have taken a more disciplinarian stance from the start. However, at 26 years old with no experience of children I didn't know how to do this and my husabnd thought it was a bad idea (based on his own non-disciplinging step-mother whom he loves). Now I've had a baby and become more mature I find myself acting in a more disciplinarian way. In fact, I believe it's this sea change in my attitude that has upset the girls. They wrongly saw me as their "friend" before I had a baby (not that I strove to be their friend, either), and now I'm acting in a more parental way re. instigating clearing up, helping out, turning down the TV, etc. all possibly at the worst time as they are currently rebelling against all discipline.

So I'm sure this inconsistency hasn't helped. However, (SIGH) although I can see it's a pain in the arse from their point of view I'm hardly draconian and I don't think it warrants being hated on such a grand level.

My other theory is that they can't 'risk' hating their mum and dad because they don't live fully with either, so maybe they think if they took out their anger on their own parents it might be dangerous or break the relationship(???) so they target me instead as they perceive no risk in hating me.

Maybe, who knows? Who indeed? Seems happy step-families are almost extinct. Mine used to be a happy step-family. The girls were even bridesmaids at our wedding and got on well with their step-grandparents and aunties... Hard to get used to being the enemy.

Really feel for you Nicole. It sounds like your step-son is more actively disruptive and that must be a massive strain. How does your partner deal with it?

[SteveT]

KateM wrote:- Seems happy step-families are almost extinct.

There are many conventional families who are unhappy with their life too and no step anything insight. It would be a weird world if everyone was in harmony with no differences of opinion.

In my childhood you new exactly where you stood, you were in the wrong, and if you challenged an adult to the most part you would instantly regret it and have to creep away to lick your wounds in private, because you did not want anyone you knew to see you snivveling.

Kids were not considered when decisions were made you were told what to do, and if you did not take heed you were paid in full. Neither my mother father or step mother deviated from this course and it was non-negotiable.

The adults did not worry about you, you had to worry about them and you fell in to line or paid the price for your behaviour.

My business partner had raised his children following the divorce and his son was told to go to bed, his son protested loudly that 'his mate down the street didn't go to bed until midnight' "well go and live with him then" was the curt reply. Off he went to bed negotiations finished.

KateM wrote:-

Really feel for you Nicole. It sounds like your step-son is more actively disruptive and that must be a massive strain. How does your partner deal with it?

I think that is the centre of the problem, the boys father is not coping with it and leaving it to nicole to wrestle with and she is far too kind to clamp down and beat him into submission. That boy is taking far more liberties with you than he would with the playground bully.

If you administer pain and a dash of suffering they do not come back for anymore, if they do then you have to dish out another dose as the first was not painful enough, and from that day on you will be master of your own home.

A very good thing too because we all like to know the rules and who is the boss.

That does not mean there will be no recurrence of bad behaviour, because kids are always testing out the boundaries but if you mark out the boundaries clearly enough it will substantially reduce his nonsense to a liveable with level.

I suggest you watch 'The Dog Whisperer', and see how Cesar Milan deals with unruly animals, that will give you all the help you need.

Best of luck. Steve.

[lorraineliyanage]

Kate - would your stepdaughters be open to sitting down with you and having a discussion about the issues that are causing problems? Maybe give them the chance to air their side of it first, but then all agree to start things over so that you can all have a more harmonious family situation? Perhaps if your husband initiates it they will be more receptive to the idea. I am sure they will sit there sulking for a bit, but perhaps if you let them get all their grievances out, they might feel a bit better, even if it's just slagging you off for 20 minutes or so.

Also - the issue with the ex, is there no way to try and get her on side? I am sure you have tried before, but she is obviously painting a less than flattering picture of you to the girls, so that may undo any bridge-building work that you do with the girls at home.

[SteveT]

KateM wrote:- so they target me instead as they perceive no risk in hating me.

Like any other predator they target the easiest kill. As they hate you anyway you have nothing to lose insisting on having your own way.

Why not let them taste your hate and anger, and release some of your pent up energy on them?

When you prove you're the boss of your household, they will learn quickly enough that you are not to be messed with, and they will leave you alone and redirect their anger where it belongs, at the feet of their parents.

As soon as you value yourself, then others will follow suit.

[Nicolamb]

I'm stepmum to an 8 year old boy and my husband and I also have 2 young children together. Even though I've been in my stepson's life since he was 2, I've never found it easy being a stepmum - just as my husband doesn't find it as easy being parent to a child he doesn't live with on a daily basis. In fact, it's been a lot harder than I ever anticipated at the start - I'd always been good with children, worked quite a lot with children in my job as TV producer, I even made a documentary about a teenager's fractious relationship with her stepfather. So I felt I knew all the theory, but nothing prepared me for the reality.

I can relate to your comment about the long-weekends that seem impossible to endure - I found it hard to understand why I was taking everything so personally. Obviously it's because it really matters: we want to do right by our husbands; the step-children who's lives we play a signficant part in and there are also the negative associations with step-parents that we're desperate not to prove right.

Although my stepchild's considerably younger than your two and too young to rebel in a teenage way, there are some similarities with your situation. We went through a stage of at least 2 years where he would hardly talk to me whenever he spent time with us; mostly ignoring any questions I asked him and if he did have to ask me something, he mostly asked through his dad. I couldn't even dream of disciplining him, because I was scared how he'd react. With his dad and his younger brother however, he was always very lively and I found it all quite isolating. My answer was to leave them to it whenever I could, encouraging them to spend more and more quality time alone and removing myself to other rooms of the house. This, unsurprisingly, didn't solve anything. It made me feel even more of an outsider, didn't give my husband the support he needed and most importantly, didn't allow me the bonding time I needed with my stepson. Things are much better now, although I still have to put the work in, partly because he's starting to outgrow his shyness of a few years ago but also because I put conscious efforts into bonding with him - whether it's bribing him into going to the shops with me to buy sweets so I have the opportunity for a one-to-one chat, or making cakes together or making him a cocktail I invented and named after him - they're all small things but they really do count.

Obviously bonding with teenagers is a bit different, but at least they're girls so hopefully there are girly things they can relate to you about. In my experience, teenagers just wanted to be spoken to as adults and like you, treated with respect - at least as a parent it might be easier for you to have a frank one-to-one chat with each of them. Chances are one of them will give you a break at some point. Personally, I'd focus on some serious relationship-building/family time together so you can create some positive experiences... when you've got a functioning relationship any disciplining that does need doing won't be such a stressful thing.

[SteveT]

Nicolamb wrote:- I found it hard to understand why I was taking everything so personally.

It seems to me that you were exceedingly considerate to everyone in the household and being young, inexperienced, and lacking confidence in your own judgement meant you were not being your true self, almost as if you were playing the part of a 'good step mum'.

I couldn't even dream of disciplining him, because I was scared how he'd react.

I am not surprised he is a very different child to the earlier one.

I would wait until he was lying on the setee then put my hands around his ribs and squeeze until he had tears running down his face with laughter, but I would stop before his bladder leaked. "That'll teach you to misbehave".

Just the threat of being tickled would be enough, and sometimes you may have to chase after him through the house to implement the discipline, but it would all add to the terror and fun to get the point across. The physical contact with each other would be good for you both too.

He does not sound terribly confident in your company, but if you were to be just yourself and not treat him as a special case he would eventually become less diffident and blossom.

My background was not nearly as accomodating as you are providing, as all the adults were very much themselves first and foremost and we had to fit around them. I think it would be good for your peace of mind too.