Work after babies

[citizenED]

It is very intersting to read about everyone's work/life balance predicaments and solutions. It is somewhat reassuring to realise that we are not the only ones seemingly struggling to get the mix right. After child no.1, MrsED took nine months off and then we used a childminder for a couple of days a week as she got back to work, having a job in the health sector which meant shift work. We thought we could get by on the mix of my regular day-time hours (in education, thus long holidays!) and her shifts but it became increasingly apparent that her working when I was not, ie weekends and holidays, was not doing much for the sanity or our realtionship. And then, that whole plan became totally untenable when child no.2 came along. How crazy that we never saw the practical implications of having two to care for. Wow.

Needing two incomes to survive led us down the path of having an au pair - the idea of which I would never have entertained in my previous life - an arrangement that has largely worked well and has now put us in the position where we can pursue MrsED's dream of trying to work for herself. The problem is shifting from paid employment to full self employment which is a conjuring trick with its own set of issues yet to be overcome.

As has been intimated, it is all the juggling that I feel uncomfortable with. I like to take a good deal of responsibilty for the care of our two (and education is a good career in that respect) but balancing a full time job with running a household leaves you with the feeling that you are less of super-parent, but a failing jack-of-all-trades much in need of a glass of Chablis each evening!

[The Nappy Lady]

Citizen ED and Pickle, I completely identify with both of your posts. Pickle, I think if you ever want it you'd get plenty of work locally helping those of us who are self employed with our accounts and tex returns - I have yet another deadline looming that I am prone to ignore rather like the ironing!

Citizen ED, my hubby and I have found the shift from 1 to 2 children much more challenging in many ways than the shift from 0 to 1. Whilst confident about 'how' we parent, and managing a baby, it is the relentlessness of it. Like you I often feel like I am doing 100 things badly rather than 10 things brilliantly, and sort of 'hanging on by my fingertips' is often how I describe it. But I think it is good to remember that this is the nature of parenthood, and that we ARE surviving it and actually doing OK.

Working from home and fitting it in around the children sounds like Utopia, but it is so hard sometimes. With the stage the baby is at it is very hard to do much whilst she is awake, so I tend to fit my 'work' in at nap times, or more often I start work after getting them to bed and cooking the dinner, at around 9pm and work until midnight...tough when I am then up in the night still, or starting my day at 6pm. Work always takes priority so housework gets ignored too often, but I do a bit when I can, and I figure standards can slip for a while. I am determined to 'hang in there' and keep doing it all though because it will get easier as the little one gets older, and in any case we can't quite survive on just my hubby's income, so I need to bring in something, and it is either do this, or go out and get a 'real' job (I do have a part time local job which allows me to put the baby with a childminder for a few hours once or twice a week, and in many ways it feels like a holiday when I go and do that!).

I do envy people who work in the teaching industry from the point of view of the holidays fitting in with childcare so well. Hindsight is a wonderful thing eh, I think my life would be very different if I'd known 20 years ago what I know now!

Molly

[Fuschia]

mumum Wrote:

> I just wonder if it is really so bad if a child

> grows to love someone as well as their parents, if

> they are loving people, even though they are paid

> (like a nanny or childminder?) In the old days,

> children were raised by big family groups, and

> loved many people, not just mommy.

I don't think it's a problem at all, and in our family we have had childcare/support from our childminder (we started with her in 2003 when child no 1 was a baby!) from my SIL, and from a close family friend who is no 1 child's godmother.

I have only ever worked a max of 3 days in the workplace though, even though working at home with children about is a huge challenge (I end up doing the work evenings/weekends TBH) and I like it that child no 1 doesn't have to go to any after school or holiday childcare.. we manage!

[Belle]

Molly, you mention occasionally using a childminder - I was wondering if there are childminders who do flexible arrangements then? Because, for instance, if I decided to go freelance then I wouldn't know until the week before wh ich hours I'd be doing. Have no idea how that would play out in terms of childcare. I wish I had some kind of vocational qualification so that local work would be an option like you Pickle. the trouble is that the kinds of options that are available (other than going back to my job) just wouldn't cover childcare costs, let alone bring in any additional money.

[Keef]

With regards teaching, yes you get school holidays with the kids, BUT, beware, as you cc end up working a lot at home in the evenings! My wife used to teach, and it felt like we never had down time together. And that was before baby, I dread to think how we'd manage if she had that work load, and a child!

[charlottep]

I went back to work part-time (four days a week) when my son was 8 months. Although I loved my maternity leave, I was definitely ready to get back to work and I managed to secure a great nanny share arrangement with a wonderful nanny and a like-minded family. On returning to work I was determined to strike a good balanace between work and home, but in reality I've found it a difficult challenge. As with many other part time mums, I found that I was managing exactly the same role as before my son was born, in four days (lots of late evenings), with 20% less pay - always feeling a step behind everyone else. When I started to regularly log in to the office on my Fridays at home, while my son was napping, I decided that I may as well return to work full time and take some pressure off. During the week I only see my boy for an hour a day, which is hard and I do miss him and think about him all the time. The thing that's really motivated me is the fact that he loves his nanny and both of his grannys who also share in his childcare, plus my husband also has some flexibility, is extremely supportive and takes away a lot of pressure. I do still feel as though I operate with an under current of guilt, but I remind myself that my mum had to go back to work when I was 10 weeks old and I still think that she's the greatest mum ever.

If I had the choice, I would still work - I like the independence - but I'd do a strict 9-5 on a part time basis, I'm just not sure you can achieve that in the City!

Good luck Belle, I'm sure you'll make the right decision.

[sparkly]

wow - can't believe everyone's stories. I returned to work a month ago and my word it's been the hardest decision of my life but I have to admit - don't worry it's not been as bad as i imagined and little ones do really adapt well. I decided to go back to my job (which i dislike) because as a teacher I get the holidays (although have to work some of it). I do have to leave at 7,15 am with little one in tow to the nursery which I feel bad about but aim to pick her up by 5 (despite it making me unpopular with colleagues) I work 3 days a week and am just very strict about saying no so I don't work 5 days in 3 and make sure I'm out of house on days off doing lovely things with little one so I don't check email!!!

For me, I went for what offered me the most money. I don't want to work am jealous of those that don't need to but if I'm going to I want to make it worthwhile. Worked out that if I work now in a reasonably paid job then maybe I won't have to work as much if/ when we have our next child!

[The Nappy Lady]

Hi Belle,

Well, I am very lucky because I have a fab childminder, who I think of a bit as a 3rd granny for my girls. As my oldest is 5 I have been using her for a long time - over 4 years and I guess because of that she is very generous in her flexible approach. I currently use her for a guaranteed 2 days per week for my little one, but she is flexible about which 2 days as she has space - they are only allowed to take 3 under 5 in total, so if she took on more little ones on the days I'm not using her this may not be an option, but at the moment it is (and I am likely to need her 3 days per week when little one is a bit older.

I suspect you'd find it hard to find a childminder who would be flexible about how many days per week you use them because they are likely to need a guaranteed income from their work. It may be worth looking around though. Another option may be to see if anyone is using an Au Pair or Nanny who may be flexible about taking your little one too on an ad hoc basis, being paid per day? One of my school Mum friends is sharing another Mum's Au Pair on this kind of basis and it seems to work well (she is an actress so her work is very varied week by week).

Hope this helps a bit...

Molly

[littleEDfamily]

Just noticed veryseriousgirl's posting. It's outrageous to hear this sort of carry on is still going on, but not surprising. I wonder if your boss has realised that the law requires employers to properly consider requests to work flexibly and the onus is on them to show objectively why, in cases where an application is rejected, it cannot be supported.

That said, it is pointless trying to work in an environment where part time work is not supported (except if you really need the cash and can put up with the aggro), if they are hell bent on making life difficult for you to have a reasonable shot at being a working mum (if that's what you want), you may have a good case for sex discrimination, which, even if you don't want to go to tribunal may get you a decent pay out.

Hope that didn't sound too cynical and militant!

[citizenED]

Whilst we were trying to sort out our working arrangements after baby No.2 we approached MrsED's workplace several times asking for reduced hours. Her employers dragged their feet. Then we did a bit of research into family friendly hours and found a proforma on a website (I think it was one of the unions, but can't find it now) which we filled in and mailed to them. Hey presto, couple of weeks later they agreed to her request ofr family friendly hours.

Can't find the form we used, but have a poke about on the Web. You could start here.

[KateMontero]

This is just fascinating. I am a trained counsellor, with experience but prior to maternity leave I was working as a Secretary for NHS/homeless services. Which was an enjoyable 4 year long accident. When I got pregnant I decided I would not return to this job after maternity leave was over. I hoped for a job befiting my skills, 3 days a week and locally. Chance would be a fine thing!

Having a baby to support obviously gave me a confidence injection and I ended up being offered almost my dream job at King's College Hospital which I applied for when he was 3 months old. It's also local. The catch? Full-time only for the first year.

I have had no choice but to accept the position. The job market sucks and I was extremely lucky to get this opportunity. For my sins, and because I feel hugely guilty, I am taking shifts and Saturdaym mornings so baby will be with a childminder between about 11.30am and 4.30pm every day and will therefore have me in the mornings and Daddy from half four. Plus I should get one whole day off during the week too.

Not sure how my relationship is going to suffer not seeing each other much for a year, or just how tired I'm going to be, but as I've come to terms with the idea of childcare and met some lovely childminders too, I am starting to look forward to working again.

However, personally I don't think I could manage a Mon-Fri 9-5. I think it would break my heart all the time. (Not that I disapprove of people who do at all).

Belle, what are your plans and how old is your baby? Mine is now 6 months so I'll be going back when he's 9.5 months.

[The Nappy Lady]

Kate,

Don't worry, I went back full time when O was about 9 months and she was with a childminder from 8am to almost 6pm five days per week. I hated it, but she LOVED it, the whole range of toys, being with other children etc. If it is only for a year I think you'll find it will fly by.

I have to say, even though I wasn't happy to be back full time, some of that was simply that I wasn't doing a job I enjoyed back then, and the prospect of returning to work was much worse than the reality. Yes, I sat outside the childminders in my car and sobbed the first day I left her, but within a week it was the norm, and I could see how happy she was with it all - so much so that at the age of 5 she now begs me to take her there for visits and complains that I now pick her up from school rather than her childminder doing it (and there I was thinking she'd be so happy to have Mummy every day from 3.30pm - ha!).

As you say it is too good an opportunity to miss, and in the long term it sounds like it is going to work out brilliantly for you and your family.

Good luck with it, and enjoy the rest of your maternity leave.

Molly

x

[Moos]

Hi Kate

Best of luck with your new job. I went back to work (part-time) when my son was 10 months old, and at 6 months I wondered how I would ever be able to leave him with someone else, as he seemed so young and small. But between 6 and 10 months, he changed hugely, becoming more independent, more mobile, more robust, and seeing him happy each day allayed my fears considerably.

Perhaps you could ask whether you could 'ease in' to your new job by taking 1 day of holiday each week for the first few weeks?

[Belle]

Hi Kate,

I've yet to decide - though this thread has given me plenty food for thought. My little one is 5 months. I think it's great that it's your dream job you're going to AND you got those mornings with the babe. If your's is at all like mine, mornings are the best part of the day! I think in my case the issue is that I'm at a crossroads with work in any case - before you even factor in the baby. By the way, i might pM you about your counsellor training as that sounds interesting...

Belle

[Lalligan]

Hi All,

I just wondered if any of you have considered working as an Avon representative?

I am a recruiter for Avon and wondered whether it might be the answer.

I have many ladies in my team that are mothers and like to be able to have the flexibility to choose the hours they work and how they run their Avon company for a better work life balance.

It's fun, free and flexible and a great way to also meet other local mums.

If you are interested then let me know, if not best of luck for your search.

Lucy

[sb]

.

[womanofdulwich]

I do know a few women ( high earners) who have worked full time while partners worked part time/not at all. In one case their relationship completely broke down, but if they divorce he will get custody and she is left keeping him and the children in a loveless marriage. Scary. I think there is such a huge amount of power relating to who is earning and who is not. One reason why I could not bare not to work. :(

[aj693]

I have been really fortunate. After losing my job during my pregnancy, I wasn't really sure what my next step would be. I was lucky enough to spend the first 17 months of my son's life as a stay at home mum, and then was approached by another local mum for a job share position. She also had a one year old at home, was supposed to be doing 3 1/2 days in the office and 1 1/2 days at home, but it was really stressing her out and she decided to try to convince her company to consider a job-share for her role. She now does three days, I do two. We both have Blackberrys (yuk), and we speak on the phone regularly. It's been an ideal solution for both of us. Neither of us loves our job, but it gets us earning money, the hours are reasonable, we can cover for each other in emergencies or for holidays (getting extra pay!), we share the responsibility across the board and have someone to complain to when work or home life is hard, unfair, boring, as well as when things are going well... the company gets more out of the two of us than they would with one person in the job... we're all winners. On a personal level, I also felt it would be good to stay in the job market, even if it's only part-time. I don't know what I'll being doing when my son gets older, but I did worry that if I didn't work at all I would feel to rusty and old to start again after too long a break. On the home front, while I know my husband makes most of the money and puts in more hours, we are all very happy with how things are at home. We have a much more balanced life, and our son gets to see us both a lot - together and separately. The set up won't work with every company, or for every job, and I would say the job-share scenario is totally dependent on striking a good partnership with your colleague, but for us it has been great.

[sillywoman]

after baby 1 realised I couldn't go back to work so found myself as an unplanned SAHM. A bit of a shock & I mourned for my job for about 4 years (I had loved it, but just loved her more). After a few years, and a few more kids, I retrained and now I can work from home doing a job I feel privileged to do. It took a while, but I just needed to adjust to the different person I had become and the different priorities & passions in my life. In a few more years I hope to retrain again to do the job I've been wanting to do for 14 years. Life eh?

[quickbrownfox]

Fascinating comment about the impact family-friendly policies have had on the careers/ perception of men with children in Sweden. I feel the flexible working legislation in the UK has been a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, it has given parents genuine rights which many employers are simply too fearful of grievances/ litigation/ general dramas to ignore. As a result it has definitely become easier for women to get the part-time hours they require (even if if means a guilt filled ride, and is far from perfect!).

Conversely, particularly outside the public service, being recruited into a new role as part-timer is still extremely difficult (well done aj693 for managing to negotiate this), which means that very often women, once having their part time hours agreed to, remain in less than fulfilling roles as they are unable (or feel they are not able) to secure another role on similar terms. The amount of times I have heard managers say about their part-time women "she's great, she comes in and does her job, but she's not interested in doing any more', yet I know from speaking to those same women that they would love to do more AND earn more, but feel they can't jeopardise the precarious balance between life and home.

Anyway, on balance, I think we as a society are making progress......still loving this thread, so keep them stories coming!