Professional Dog-Walker: East Dulwich Environs..

[Tony.London Suburbs]

*Bob* Wrote:

You might as well just come out with it, Tony. You'd like to start-up in "the dogwalking game". And charge ?10 / hour.

How the Dickens did you deduce that? Did one of our mutual friends tell you? I'm suffering hard times and don't weant mine to become a bleak house so I've great expectations that if I advertise in a few old curiosity shops and the pickwick papers that me and my trusted assistances martin chuzzlewit, nick nickleby, edwin drood, barnaby rudge, olly twist and dave copperfield might get a nice little earner out of this...

"bob" you haven't a little dorrit that I could walk and tell a tale of two cities too have you?

Alas and alac my rates are not Dickensian though...

[*Bob*]

I think the idea is that if your wheelie bins and recycling boxes aren't put back exactly the way they were, it's an obvious 'tick' for a burglar. Clearly Alice recognises this.

I don't accept that, at 14, you're somehow incapable of stroking a cat, putting food in a bowl (with two drops of something or other), calling the police if the place has been trashed (and your prized collection of onamental cat-themed plates stolen) and locking the door on your way out.

You're doing-down sensible and trustworthy 14 year-olds everywhere.

[Tony.London Suburbs]

"bob" any reply must include either or both of the following:

A Christmas Carol and Dombey and Son ...you try and include them as I couldn't..

Chow Chow for now....

[*Bob*]

**BOBS CAT SERVICES**

'Platinum' cat servicing with our full purr-guarantee.

Accu-pot plant watering option (sorry, no cacti - in case they die)

Tweetmaster? approved exterior nut-placement system.

Award-winning KALF-BO* domestic management.

CRB checks and ?1,000,000,000,000 public liablity insurance included as standard.

(*Keep A Look-Out For the Bleeding Obvious)

Shall we say.. ?12/visit? (see terms and conditions)

termsandconsitionsapply*cancellationmayresultinfullchargebeingmade *itsnotourfaultifanythingseriousgoeswrong * wereservetherightnottoturnupfromtimetotimebutyouwontknowbecauseyoureonholidayhaha

[SimonM]

>>You're doing-down sensible and trustworthy 14 year-olds everywhere.<<

Yep. Good for building their character though.

How do you know a 14 year old you have not met won't bring her mates round for a party? I'd hate to return home from holiday to find teenage vomit (and worse) all over the Axminster. As she's only 14 I cannot even sue her for breach of contract. And our cats hate being stroked.....And the insurance company would laugh at me for trusting house keys and burglar alarm code with a child who probably has 14 year old boy-mates who carry knives and do drugs and that...

I read your prospectus with interest all the same, and will put you down as 1st reserve should our current arrangements ever fall through...How are you at giving a cat a pill by the way?:))

[Jeremy]

Simon, your cats hate being stroked? Do they permit any interaction whatsoever?

Also, with dog-walking. Do the "pros" ever let the dogs off the leash? If so, does the dog actually bother returning, given that they're not the owner?

[*Bob*]

SimonM Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Yep. Good for building their character though.

I disagree. Character-building comes from being allowed suitable responsibility and earning trust, not from being told you can't be trusted to lock a door and key-in a burglar alarm.

> How do you know a 14 year old you have not met

> won't bring her mates round for a party? I'd hate

> to return home from holiday to find teenage vomit

> (and worse) all over the Axminster.

The same way you hope your adult cat-sitter won't be rifling through your drawers and stealing the silver. Your trust yur judgement, get some references.

...How are you at giving a cat a pill by the way?:))

I've never ever taken cat clubbing, so I can't answer this.

[SimonM]

>>Simon, your cats hate being stroked? Do they permit any interaction whatsoever? <<

They allow themselves to be fed bits of tandoori chicken off a Domino's pizza: and to be scratched behind the ears or under the chin.

[bigbadwolf]

I've had my own dog walking service for about 8 months now. I've had mostly positive reviews, especially from commercial breeders.

Bad Newz kennel klub

At Bad newz we offer a bespoke regime of canine fitness taylored for pampered pooches who've had enough of being bossed about and intimidated at the park by the dogs who have a working class owner. We do stress the fact that the programme isn't for every mans best friend, only those with a dogged determination should be put forward.

At first the programme is what you'd expect of any discipline classes. Jumping through hoops following simple commands and obeying a wistle. They are taken for vigorous walks as well in the evening.

During the second stage we like to start putting Creatine in their food and water to prepare them for stages to come. During this phase we start loading them down with weights on their walks to put some back bone into them. We also start to file their teeth to suit their new assertiveness.

We start to up the ante during stage three to more intensive workouts that include sessions in the Gym with free weights as well as some pretty arduous sessions on the treadmill. I'd also like to point out that during stage three we start to show the animals incredibly violent films that have been banned in all but third world countries...gives them a bit of character.

Now stage four is where changes in both the animals physical build as well as all round temprament become startlingly visible. It's during this time that we start to train them to stick up for themselves. At Bad newz we've opted for the most direct approach. On legal advice we can't actually go into much detail but a lot of what goes on is structured around what the Soviet Union would do to train there guard dogs in offensive tactics. I'm afraid this training also takes place outside of the country due to petty legal reasons.

After the training is complete and once a quick medical examination has been done we'll contact you to arrange the collection of you pet.

Thanks for reading and here are some testimonials from satisfied customers

Geraldine and Richard

"We noticed an immediate change in Jumbles as soon as we collected him. He was no longer a shy sheep dog but now an assertive yet composed sheep dog...sharper teeth as well. Our investment in Jumbles was confirmed when last week I was at work and I was reading the east dulwich forum. To my horror I saw that someone had posted a message warning residents of some dodgy Peckham looking sorts looking through windows on Underhill road where I live. I carried on at work as best I could but I was wracked with worry over what could be going on back home. I rushed home as fast as possible and when I got there Richard was sitting on the front lawn shaking like a leaf. I asked him what was the matter and he shouted to leave him alone. I gingerly entered the house calling for Jumbles. I nearly fainted when I entered the living room as on the floor were two chavs cacooned in razor wire with Jumbles sitting beside them with an expressionless face. The two intruders were still alive and I told them that I was going to call the Police. I went to pick up the phone and went to dial the number when Jumbles walks over and puts his paw down on the reciever cutting the call and spoke in perfect English "It's O.K Geraldine I called them about 10 minutes ago and they're on their way. Put the kettle on and get Richard some asparin".

We're delighted with the results.

Karen and James.

"We were delighted with the service we recieved and would strongly recommend them. We live in Dulwich and our cat Oscar is often going missing which causes a lot of distress to our two young daughters. About a week after our Alsation Ralf came back from Bad newz our cat Oscar went missing again. About an hour after we noticed his absense we saw Ralf frog marching Oscar back up the road by the scruff of his neck. He hasn't gone missing since."