Tiny Little Things That Cause You Irrational Rage

[PinkyB]

Who do you think pays them to come round your house?

[brum]

....And I thought they came because they liked me. They're cheeky too, because I always tip them as well.

[PinkyB]

Those little sods. I've just given them a big pay rise as well, they said the increased price of baked goods in the global economic recession meant their wages were no longer acceptable, and if I didn't sort it out they'd be forced to ballot on industrial action. Did you get a receipt?

[brum]

No, come to think of it. I did ask them once but they just chuckled at me - you know, how they do. Little buggers.

[PinkyB]

That's what I get for employing black market elves.

[brum]

Yes but they do do a good job you know. Every other Sunday they do the full body treatment and that can take them several minutes.

[PinkyB]

Minutes? I'm paying them by the hour!

(sigh)

Still, I suppose if you're happy with the service, that's the main thing. As Simon & Garfunkel once memorably sang, you've got to keep the customer satisfied.

[brum]

Yes indeed, and so they must remain our little secret, ok?

[PinkyB]

To be honest, I brought them into this country illegally, smuggled under the tarpaulin of an Eddie Stobart lorry, so I'd be looking at a ten stretch for people trafficking if anyone ever found out.

[brum]

I did wonder why their English isn't so good. It's a good job these messages are not visible to non-believers, don't you think.

[PinkyB]

I know, right?

I do apologise. I went a bit Californian then. Most unlike me.

[brum]

Apology accepted. Do you go a bit Brazilian? That would be fun!

[PinkyB]

Afraid not, unless you mean do I like to catch my food using the poison dart method, in which case, yes.

[brum]

Blow pipe?

[PinkyB]

Don't mind if I do.

[brum]

Well, I know who to ask if I need such a service.

[PinkyB]

That would be the elves, obviously.

[brum]

...perhaps

[PinkyB]

Don't make me come round there and sort them out!

[brum]

Well I might just do that. I'd like to see you try to sort them out though I don't fancy your chances, with them blowing gossamer-like in your general direction.

[PinkyB]

I'm not scared of them elves. They can't touch me. Mainly because I've got their passports in a locked safe.

And I'm not ruling anything out, the P4 runs all night, you know!

[brum]

You don't know, I may be just next door!

[PinkyB]

Oh f*ck, you're not the Scottish bitch's annoying ex who only knows one song on the guitar, are you?

[brum]

No woman no cry.....

[PinkyB]

You owe ?247 in earplugs.