The "Not your finest hour" thread...

[MrBen]

Saturday flashback whilst driving through Wandsworth...

23 years old. Off to a house party with two housemates. Before leaving we gave one cash to get some six packs in. He came back with a large bottle of absinthe which we started drinking in a cab into town. At this point the memory gets a little hazy but I'm told only two of us arrived at the party where we both fell asleep on the lounge floor. It was 9pm. Then, hours later I wake up in a mini cab who is dropping me off at my house in Wandsworth. But I've never lived in Wandsworth and was flatsharing in Tooting at the time. I also found that I had no money. I remember the cabbie grabbing me to look for a wallet. Inexplicably, I punched him in the face and pegged it. My legs became jelly and I face planted somewhere on Clapham Common. Then I managed to stand up and have a full on fist fight with this Jamaican driver that would have ended one way if a passing milkman hadn't managed to intervene.

I am ashamed to this day and wholeheartedly apologise to all concerned. This was not my finest hour. What was yours?

ps. Quids is lurking...trying to tempt him out for the Barstow thing.

[Salsaboy]

When I was about 18, out on a mates stag night in Penge of all places, getting so rat arsed by about 9.30 that I went for a little walk to clear my head. I woke up on the floor of a phone box (the proper red sort) in Beckenham at about midnight. Staggered out of there and started to walk home (I lived in Purley at the time with my parents), flagging down cars as I went hoping to get a lift. The only car that stopped was a kindly policeman in his mini-metro who then had to go as an urgent call came in about a fight in Penge, which turned out to be my stag do mates trying to do a runner from the kebab shop and being chased by the 2 blokes running it with meat cleavers. My mum and dad found me asleep on the pavement next to another phone box in Addiscombe at about 3 in the morning. I still to this day don't remember calling them (long before mobile phones) but apparently I did and just said to my mum 'I'm in Whitehorse Road, come and get me' before putting the phone down.

Sorry mum.

[Otta]

I think I've got too many to mention.

[Otta]

In I think 2009 or 10, the covers band I was in was playing a big charity open air gig in Kent. It was on the grounds of a pub and it was a long hoty day so a few beers were consumed and I was a little bit too tipsy on stage and probably made the off mistake.

The following year we went back, but it was made clear to me by a couple of members of the band that I would be expected to drink responsibly. I honestly planned to, but had just started on some meds (bad times) and when I turned up early and met my aussie mate and realised we had a couple of hours to kill before we could get the one taxi in town to the venue, we sort of got on the shots.

I was still convincing myself I had everything in hand.

We got to the venue, I ate a burger off the bbq, and had a couple of pints.

About an hour before we went on I realised that I was feeling completely pissed. I necked water, I tried chucking up, Ihad a minor panic attack. It was feckin awful on stage, not because of the crowd who were all completely pissed after drinking in the sun for hour after hour (we were headling once the sun had gone down), but because I could feel the disapproval of certain members of the band. I dropped my pick God knows how many times, I totally forgot the words to a song I was singing, and I basically wanted the ground to swallow me.

The self loathing the next week or so was awful and still lingers sometimes when I think of it.

BUT, my rendition of Roxanne still convinced a bloke to hire us for his 50th (apparently I had a lucid moment), and a video clip someone posted the next day on the event FB page didn't sound too bad. But that 2 hours on stage was possibly the worst 2 hours of my life.

[keekybreeks]

rytvrbgr

[Otta]

2004 stag do in Lithuania. Spent all day heavy drinking, and ended up falling asleep in a bar (God knows what time of night) so stag's dad put me in a taxi and paid the driver to take me to our hotel, which thankfully he did.

Crawled up the stairs to find a couple of our party outside their room they grabbed me and pushed me through the door and where I was greeted by an absolutely beautiful young woman in black lingerie who approached me and started kissing me and removing my jacket. I thought "this is f^cking amazing!!!" until about 20 seconds later my brain sort of kicked in and I thought "hang on, beautiful young blondes don't tend to throw themselves at me like this. This is a prostitute".

Next I'm sat on the edge of the bed slurring a rambled explanation of the moral pitfalls of using prostitutes to a young woman who spoke no English, whilst if I'm honest, probably staring inappropriately at her.

I think I gave her whatever was in my wallet, mumbled an apology and run upstairs to my room.

[Jeremy]

Your mates got you a hooker? On someone else's stag weekend? That's... different.

[Otta]

No, they got themselves one, were too pissed to do anything and didn't want to have to pay, so tried pushing me in there so they wouldn't have to.

[MrBen]

There seems to be a common theme here. Stories not involving alcohol and/or prostitutes also welcome....Have you ever alienated an entire wedding in Crawley with a gag about how much of a dump it is?

Or joined the mile high club with an on duty Malaysian Air hostess whilst your new girlfriend is sitting back in economy?

Just two hypothetical examples.

*coughs*

[Dopamine1979]

Now you're just bragging. I'm sure you recollect that aeroplane incident fondly.

[MrBen]

Lots of edits so far I see. No bragging found here. It's the thread of shame and disaster.

[Otta]

Bollocks, you've been desperate to tell us about that flight! ;-)

[david_carnell]

Shame and disaster not involving booze or drugs....that's an unlikely combination.

Do incredibly disappointing GCSE results count?

How about, with some mates, stealing a five aside goal from a special needs school so your kickabouts would be a bit more professional.

Breaking someone's knee in a game of football because he'd always been a twat (and you hadn't meant for it to be that serious)?

Trying to sleep with your uni house mate after her father had died because you knew her grief probably presented you with your best chance? And still failing.

Honestly, I'm a reformed man and not nearly as much of a wanker as some of these possibly make out. Really.

[Jah Lush]

I was 16 and hadn't been working long for what was then IPC Newspapers. One of the papers I worked for was a down market Sunday rag and I'd gone to their office Christmas dinner and dance up town. I got incredibly drunk on the free booze and was barely conscious by the end of the evening. A colleague suggested I could stay in the spare room at his mother's house, who lived nearby rather than make the long and expensive trek home in a taxi so I took him up on his offer

So we get back and I crash out instantly. In the morning with a hangover from hell his lovely old mum makes us breakfast and it's hi ho hi ho it's off to work we go.

Later on during the day my colleague gets a phone call from his mum. In the room I'd stayed in was temporarily housed all the Christmas presents neatly piled and wrapped for all her family and friends before they were put under the tree.

Apparently, I'd got up in the middle of the night and pissed all over them.

[Jeremy]

17 yrs old, at the school 6th form party/disco thing. Got well and truly hammered. The hottest girl in the year had just got her drivers license (and was presumably sober-ish) and offered me a lift home. I threw up in her car.

[steveo]

At least it was only a number one

[phobic3000]

I was a drummer in a band at college and for our big end of college celebration we hired a hall in Fairfield halls. I got hammered, stomped on the bass drum pedal so hard that it split the skin. That meant nobody else could play. Whilst I was "performing" I felt nobody was listening. Probably because they were happily spending time with their mates. Anyway after the song I walked up to the mic, said "f*ck all you lot" and walked off.

Felt like a complete knob and still feel bad about it now. In fact I declined the reunion as I'm so embarrassed about it.

[Help-Ma-Boab]

I once picked a daffodil on Goose Green. Shame...

[david_carnell]

HMB - c'mon....you can do better than that.

I'm thinking your tales from Bar Story alone could dominate this thread!

[Jeremy]

phobic3000 Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Whilst I was "performing" I felt nobody was listening.

You were pretty new to gigging then, I assume!

[Help-Ma-Boab]

I don't know, it never goes away. A stain on the character that is always there, hanging around like a thick fog...you shag ONE sheep...

[phobic3000]

Yep - and drinking

[Loz]

15 years old... at the end of term disco with the girls' school next door. I was very short sighted and hated my glasses. So, I eyed up a fine looking girl about 10 metres away, slipped the specs into the top pocket and walked confidently/blindly through the crowd in her general direction. Well, approximately. In the dim light I got to something blurrily female looking and asked her to dance. She hesitantly agreed. After about two minutes of dancing she got closer and whispered in my ear... "you do know I'm one of the teachers, don't you". I had well and truly missed my target.

I made my excuses and left.

[Jeremy]

Sounds like she was OK with the situation Loz. I'm sure you could have learned some valuable lessons.

[Otta]

Haha, that's brilliant Loz.

Fair play for trying though.