Nursery ruined my child!

[Skin_deep]

Hi Everyone.

Just wanted to share my experience of Nurseries on here- this by no means applies to all nurseries or children and is just a personal account of what happened to us! Maybe someone else has experienced the same?

So my son started nursery when he was 7 months, 3 days a week, let's call this Nursery, Nursery #1. He was at the nursery for just a month and a half, my usually happy baby cried when I left him and was crying every time I picked him up! I just thought this was settling in and things would improve. They did for a while, however when getting him home he was very withdrawn and quiet, showing no interest in his toys what so ever. This was very out of character for him as he was always so chatty and a happy little soul, I initially thought it was because I had gone back to work, so I cut my hours.

As I was working only 10-2, instead of 10-4.30 i was still having to pay for a full day rather than just a morning or afternoon session. I didn't feel an immediate need to inform the nursery, I was just going to let them know when I arrived at 2 to pick him up. Well thank god I didn't!

When I came to pick him up, they obviously weren't expecting me. I was let in by the preschool staff (you have to walk through the preschool to get to baby room) and made my way to his room.... Only to find the practitioner asleep in the sensory corner! My son and another child were literally just sitting on the floor with no supervision...no toys and nothing to do!

I took a picture of her, picked up my son and the other little boy and walked them straight out and into the preschool room, I never woke her as I wanted to show her that I had just taken 2 children in her 'care' from right under her nose!

The preschool staff, as expected, were quite puzzled as to why I was carrying another child other as well as my son. I told them that the practitioner was asleep and I couldn't possibly of left the little boy there. I also refused to leave the child in their care until the boys mother was also informed. By now sleeping beauty had been woken and had also joined us in the preschool room. Now for her explanation...which is in my opinion the biggest load of **** I have ever heard. She claimed she had laid in the sensory area to show the children how to sleep...and she wasn't really asleep she was just pretending so the children would copy! Yeah right, if you weren't asleep then how was I able to remove both the children from the room without you blinking an eyelid!

I, of course, had a responsibility not just as a parent but as a human being to ring Ofsted and report the nursery, which I did almost immediately. I'm not sure what happened to that particular worker as everything is confidential but I hope and pray she doesn't work with children anymore!

I took my son out of that nursery with immediate effect.

Now to Nursery #2. He started here when he was a year old, from my past experience with the latter I opted for a nursery with NurseryCam (webcam allowing viewing throughout the day for parents). He started really well here and was happy to be dropped off, so I was a lot happier with this nursery.... initially!

Alarm bells starting ringing when he went through a phase (which most, not all, children do)of biting. They immediately decided to do a CAF report (common assessment record) and bring in a child psychologist! I felt this was quite drastic considering it wasn't unheard of for children to have phases, be it pinching, hair pulling, biting, hitting. Anyway, I agreed for the psychologist to come in and she gave the nursery some tips to curve the behaviour. Fine - I can accept this as them having my sons best interests at heart.

Little did I know this was just the start of a long line of "your son did this and we need to do something" talks that happened frequently! Instead of the occasional 1 or 2 incident reports I was receiving every couple of weeks, I was receiving 2 or 3 in a day! Now I know parents will make excuses for their children, it's natural to defend them, but I did not! One thing I couldn't quite work out was why he was so naughty at nursery but never at home?!. Usually it's the other way around so of course I started to question the nurseries methods.

Having been there for a year and a half by this point, I did trust them and took what they said seriously, it was only until I started, as said before, questioning them on the incidents that I found I was met with short and sharp replies. Naturally people would get defensive but this didn't sit right with me.

I started watching the Nursery cam more and more and found that my child was being told off for things that weren't him! Nursery cam doesn't have audio but it was clear to me what I saw. My son was playing with a car, other child takes the car, my son takes back and my son is told off!

Now as a 2 year old little boy, being constantly told off even if it wasn't his fault is going to take its toll and believe me it did! I addressed this with the nursery and was told that my son was the main trouble maker/ most difficult child. Fair enough, I can accept no child is an angel but were they really doing all they could to find out what happened when a child came crying? My son isn't a crying child, if someone takes from him he will take back rather than telling the teacher which has obviously made things worse for him.

So he now had the label of "troublemaker" and practitioners were obviously looking to him first when there was an incident resulting in him being always and I mean always told off!

Another example of this was at the Christmas party which I witness with my own eyes. He went to dance with a couple of little girls, one of the girls got overwhelmed and slapped him around the face. My son did not hit back, he simply clenched his fists at his sides and let out a deep breath (something I had taught him, instead of lashing out). Immediately as he done this about three nursery practitioners all called his name and he was asked to sit for time out! I went up to them and told them that the little girl had actually slapped him around the face and showed them the mark he had! Having asked what they were going to do about it they said the mother would deal with it! The girl in no way, shape or form was disciplined by that nursery, which in my eyes is what was meant to happen...considering they dealt with my child when I was present!

This confirmed my suspicions that my child was told off for things that weren't even him, explaining his behaviour at nursery in particular and not at home!

I started to ask more about the incidents and would also try to ask my son what happened as well so I could, in a way, get the real truth. My trust was fizzling out at this point and relationships weren't overly friendly. I had resorted to the necessary pleasantries, drop off, pick up, go.

That brings us to late 2014, now this by far is the most upsetting and invasive thing any parent can go through and I do not wish this on anyone.

I arrived to pick my son up, it was a Wednesday, I will never forget it. Everything was as normal, collected his things, got him in the pushchair and was going out the door. I signed my name out, a nursery practitioner was in the lobby helping another parent leave. She stood at the door whilst I left and said goodbye to my son, who swore at her in Italian, I told him off and as I was doing so tapped him on the shoulder so he knew I was talking to him as I was standing behind him holding the pushchair. I went home as normal and thought nothing else of it.

The next day, after I had dropped him to nursery and gone to work, I received a call from the nursery manager who asked me to come in for a meeting that same day. I was thinking in my head she's telling me off for telling my son not to play with the boy that teaches him swear words! Little did I know...

An allegation had been made against me. The practitioner that waiting at the door whilst we were leaving the day before had made a statement accusing me of punching my son in his chest! I was mortified and completely distraught, I burst into tears and was completely confused as to why someone would say such lies! I can understand if it could have looked like that... better safe then sorry but it in no way could have ever looked like that. I read her statement to which she said she pushed my child out of the nursery! This is completely wrong, and I corrected the manager. So not only has she lied about me, she also couldn't even get a good story together! Luckily there was CCTV which was checked the next day after the meeting, but child protect still had to be informed as it was procedure after any allegation. I will now quote exactly what the report says...

"On 23/10/2014 a staff member reported that an incident occurred when ***** mum collected him on 22/10/2014. She alleged that she saw ***** mum clench her fist and hit him in the chest because of a word he used. I spoke to children's social services on 23/10/14 and been advised to have a meeting with mum. "

"After looking at the CCTV and having meeting with mum our conclusion is inconclusive. There is no apparent proof while viewing CCTV to support the practitioners statement. Practitioner stated that she took ***** out with pushchair but CCTV shows mum taking him out. Laura (mum) admitted that she leaned forward and tapped ***** on the shoulder after using an inappropriate word towards the practitioner."

Now even though the allegation was now classed as UNFOUNDED I still had to endure a very invasive home visit from Southwark councils Early Years Help! I was so angry, complete and utter lies were told against me which will now follow us through every nursery, school and childcare environment for the remainder of his childhood. I was looking into become a foster parent which I may now, not be able to do!

The home visit was December which brings us now to 2015, I was still very much reeling from the allegation but if I moved my son immediately it's deemed as "guilt" so had to stay on there until all was closed and concluded. The practitioner that accused me was very much still working there and I had to ask that she was not in the same room as my child. She obviously had some weird vendetta against me for her to make up something so disgusting, I couldn't risk her doing it again!

The nursery promised she would be kept away from him but within a few weeks she was back in the room and around my child! This was obviously very hard for me to see and I spoke to the nursery about it, the reply was " she hasn't done anything wrong so we have no worries about her". Well, to put it frankly, she was a vicious cow that made lies up about me so in my eyes she was very much in the wrong!

I didn't want my child to feel my animosity so I decided to keep my head up and get on with it.

I was viewing NurseryCam more and more by this point, so was his grandmother. She called me early February to say that she had seen something quite disturbing and she wanted to call Ofsted. Considering what had happen just a few weeks ago I didn't want it to seem like I was seeking revenge so I decided to talk to the manager.

My mother had seen my son get up from the table after finishing his lunch (others were still sitting) and go to get some paints. He was left on his own for 5ish minutes until a practitioner went to make him sit back down, he threw himself on the floor when she tried to pick him up. The practitioner then grabbed both feet, and dragged him to the table on his belly (roughly 3 meters). This was the last straw with this nursery. He was pulled out from there almost immediately.

This brings us to the present day... My son is better now as he has been out of nursery for a good month but early march it was horrific! He was very aggressive and would never talk about the nursery or what happened there. He has a lot of anger towards women, hides toys everywhere in the house (he has no need to as he is always allowed access to toys),swore in Italian and we are not Italian...a boy from the nursery taught him!. He is very nervous and shuts doors when he goes into rooms with his toys. Constantly wets himself even though he was fully potty trained, he constantly apologises even if he doesn't need to and tells me that no one likes him. It's heartbreaking.

We have been seeing an osteopath to help him with his feelings and expressing them. The osteopath found that he was keeping a lot of feelings bottled up which was making him anxious. They suggested a paediatric psychologist, to whom we went to. She finally managed to get him to talk and this is what he said...

He is scared that women will hurt him and tell him off.

He doesn't want to leave his toys because the other children will steal them.

If he goes to the toilet he will be told off.

The ladies at nursery don't like him.

Mummy didn't stop the ladies from lying about me.

A friend from nursery use to make him hit himself (same one that taught him the Italian swear words!).

Now these statements are not normal for a child to come out with, I can understand how some of you may think I am looking for someone to blame in all of this but I think it is quite evident, from comments my son made, that nurseries are the main cause of this. I do take some responsibility myself and admit I should have took him out of the environment sooner and I will never forgive myself for that.

We are now seeking a nanny so my son can get some one on one attention, in the hope that September he will be ready for 15 hours a week in a preschool.

After leaving the nursery we did try another nursery to which he lasted 3 days - they said they couldn't have him there, he had hit a staff member.

Then a childminders, 3 days - she couldn't cope with his behaviour towards other children.

A nanny share, 2 days- she found it too much with him and another boy similar.

As you can see I have tried every route to get him childcare, a sole charge nanny is my last resort.

To give him credit he has been the most perfect little boy these last couple of weeks and I can 100% say this I because he doesn't go to a nursery anymore. So just take this as another persons experience to take into account if you're finding your child is starting to lash out or you notice changes in behaviour, it may well be that nursery is not the place for them, something I found out all too late.

Excuse any typos!

P.S my son shows no signs of ADHD, ODD, or autism. Although he cannot be diagnosed until he is 5, he has been tested and assessed.

[LucyInTheRye]

I'm really sorry you've had such bad experiences. It sounds really stressful for you and your son. Personally, my experience of nursery has been great, although of course it's not for all children, and I think you have been really unlucky with the care your DS experienced. I hope 1 on 1 care works out better for you and your son feels happier again soon. He is clearly loved at home and I think toddlers are actually pretty resilient (and live in the moment!) so hopefully he will stop worrying soon.

[MrsMilne]

It sounds terribly dreadful. We will not be sending our child anywhere. I think that nurseries are babies parking areas in this country even if they are Ofsted certified. Meglio a casa che li'!!

[Sol]

Poor you and your son; I took my daughter out of a nursery after 5 months when I noticed she had changed and she became very aggressive; she used to panic when we were getting close to the nursery; you should always follow your instincts; it took awhile for her to be back to normal; we found a good state nursery after 6 months and she is happy there. There are lots of rubbish nurseries in London and they should definitely have more control. Keep doing the cranial ostheopaty; it helps a lot with anxiety

[midivydale]

Oh skin_deep, i remember your other thread about your son being dragged by his feet. Totally unacceptable. I am wondering if your son's recent experiences were due to him still feeling upset about the last nursery, if that makes sense? It does make for a heartbreaking read. I am convinced and have witnessed with my own eyes how some children (not my own necessarily, but usually boys) do seem to get labelled as trouble makers and then they cant do anything right. This becomes a viscious circle and they then eventually do start to behave like their label.

It sounds as if you have been quite traumatised by theae events and perhaps it would be helpful for you too to speak to someone about these experiences? We all try to do the best thing for our children and I know from experience the utter despair you feel as a mother when things are not right.

[shaunag]

It is a hard decision to take your child out of nursery, especially when there is no quick alternative. I took my daughter out aged three when she started protesting vigorously but only because I was on Mat leave and had time to sort something. I still kept her space and paid for it for almost three months in the hope it was a fad, but she didn't show any desire to return so that was that. It was annoying as I had a place for the baby also and was back to child care square 1. I now pay for a nanny (which costs way more than two nursery places), but both kids are happy, although I do think the youngest needs to make some pals so nursery of some description is back on my radar. You will build up his trust again and he will be ok-don't beat yourself up that your trust was broken it isn't your fault. Nursery has many pros but it doesn't suit all kids. It was fantastic for my daughter for 2 years but in the end didn't meet her needs. Don't think all nurseries are bad places-many children thrive there. It seems that staff member did you and your son no favours, but mud sticks and maybe her accusations were enough for other staff members to label your son trouble. That's not nice at all and you are all better off away from that environment. I hope your little man is fully back to his happy self before too long and you are too-he will feel your anxiety so chin up for him too. Every best wish.

[mima08]

I am so sorry to hear about your experience: bringing up children is so confusing and tough as it is, so having your trust broken and you and your son being treated badly by people who are supposed to be professionals is awful. I can only imagine how heartwrenching is must be. We've been lucky with great childminder and nursery, but I do know that there is a large portion of luck involved.

But please don't beat yourself up: your son has the most important thing: a loving and caring mummy. I know from my nephew's experience how important that is: he struggled in nursery & school, labeled as a trouble maker (back in the 80's he didn't fit in because of his skin colour and his mum being single - we lived in a small place) - but my sister's support and love meant he turned out a hugely popular boy who just finished med school.

I really hope your little man keeps improving, and, as others suggested, get some support for yourself, too - wishing you all the best!

[Lula]

This is a distressing story. I feel all worked up for you after reading your post. It does sound like he was victimised at the second nursery and him having to endure being dragged by his feet is unbelievable. Also it's astonishing that they have CCTV and would do this anyway. I hope that Ofsted investigated that incident.

My daughter has some behavioural issues due to nursery and I totally think it's from having to fend for herself. Having started at quite a boisterous open-plan nursery she, I'm sure, had to endure things being snatched off her at an early age.

I really hope you can turn things around for your son. If you find a nanny who is open and loving towards your son, I wouldn't necessarily start preschool in September. Give him time to heal. She can always take him to playgroup sessions or some in my area do sessions where the parent/carer stays while the child plays. This might give your son the reassurance to trust other women again in an environment with a trusted adult present.

What you described also doesn't in any way sound like your child has or needs tests to determine if he has ADHD, ODD or autism. Forget these labels unless you or a medical practitioner says it needs addressing in the future.

A lovely post from mima08 ? I hope your boy finds a happy learning environment in the future. Lots of love xx

[Tulla]

This is horrible! I am especially shocked by your experience with the nursery who made a false allegation against you to the social services. What a malicious, twisted mind they have, to accuse you of hitting your child. You are lucky there was a CCTV in the room, otherwise it would all turn into a much worse nightmare. I am so sorry for you to go through such an experience.

I am currently looking for a nursery place for my 3 yo boy. I understand you don't want to name the nurseries here, on public forum, but may be you could PM me what nurseries NOT to apply. It would be highly appreciated

[Saffron]

Hi Skin_deep. So sorry to read all this. You say you will never forgive yourself, but please, please DO allow yourself forgiveness. As my mother says, "You did then what you thought was best. You do better now because you know better." It's hard enough making mistakes as a parent, without forever feeling like you can't forgive yourself. We've all done (or will do!) something that didn't work out like we thought it would. You've made steps to amend it for your child. I hope you can make steps to forgive yourself.

Also, if you are really interested in fostering, please don't let this stop you. Fostering, especially, respite fostering is incredibly important work, and that fact that you methodically followed your son's situation, successfully defended yourself against a clearly false allegation, and have taken steps to help your son recover ALL show a real devotion to your child that would be valuable in a foster carer. If you are interested in fostering, just let your adviser know what the situation was, warts-n-all as the saying goes. Afterall, you haven't dones anything wrong!

If your paeds psychologist hasn't already done so, would s/he consider filing a detailed report with Ofsted? Following through against the nursery with every shred of evidence of harm is very important, though I can understand you may not want to drag it all up again and again. I'm shocked that the nursery didn't sack the worker who made false allegations against you. In many other professions, this would would be considered a "fitness to practice" issue, and would be grounds for being fired immediately.

Finally on a slightly different note, regarding yours and other comments about toys being snatched at nursery -- really experienced nursery workers are definitely clued-up to this. They know that the child who is crying is sometimes the aggressor who snatched the toy, and that s/he is crying because the first child has (rightfully) taken it back. I know this because I used to work part time as a nursery supply teacher when I was first at uni. I also have a close friend who was previously a full time nursery worker for many years. Good nursery workers are clued-up abou this behaviour, and they are sensitive about resolving it fairly in age-appropriate ways. They also take great care to help supply staff or new workers understand the classroom/nursery dynamics. So there's really no excuse for nurseries not sorting this behaviour out in gentle, fair ways. xx

[LondonMix]

When I was in high school I also worked in a nursery as a summer job and have to say I?m very sorry to hear what happened to you.

False allegations and dragging your child are way beyond anything I ever witnessed.

However, preferential treatment is very common. Most of the workers (not intentionally!) had favorite children who were lavished disproportionately with attention and children who they found more difficult with whom they had less patience and would punish more quickly.

I have to say, a large part of it was human nature and it takes a very professional worker to overcome these natural biases. If anyone ever suspects this is the case, just move your kid as I?ve witnessed it first hand and it?s not nice. Finding a nursery where the workers have a natural bond with your little one is essential.

[midivydale]

Well said saffron and londonmix.

Skin_Deep i will send you a PM this evening. X

[Skin_deep]

Hi guys,

Sorry I have only just had chance to read all of your comments. Thank you very much for the support and kind words!

We have now hired a male nanny who starts in May so I am hoping this will be the end of it all!

[Otta]

Skin_deep Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> P.S my son shows no signs of ADHD, ODD, or autism.

> Although he cannot be diagnosed until he is 5, he

> has been tested and assessed.

Not suggesting he has any of these conditions, but am interested to know who said a diagnosis can't happen until age 5?

[Skin_deep]

Hi Otta,

To be completely honest I believe a diagnosis can be made before hand. Doctors/Practitioners/Health Visitors prefer not to confirm its a specific condition until then as children do go through developmental stages such as 'terrible twos' and 'boundary testing'.

I actually put this at the end of my story because I was sick of the nursery constantly telling me to get him tested, blaming his behaviour on ADHD etc is an easy cop out for them. Paid a lot of money to get independent opinions and not one of them thought he had any of the above.

Glad you bought that up actually - parents please get a second opinion if your child is suspected of having this.

[moak]

Gosh Skin_Deep, what an awful experience to go through. I am in the process of looking at nurseries and your post has filled me with horror. I hope you don't mind if I send you a PM to find out the nurseries. I actually commend you for not naming and shaming! I know all experiences are different but I would have found it hard to maintain any decorum.

I am so glad you have found a nanny and wish you all the best. X

[bimum]

I broke into tears. It's my son's first day in the nursery.

And I'm so worried as he bited one of the staff. They were playing outdoors

He went to the gate and started screaming as he wanted to go out. The staff carried him,

and bited her which he never did to us,and not to anyone. I tried to talk to him and asked

why did he do that, but it's so frustrating as he doesn't speaks a sentence yet. ( he is bilingual )

I spoke to my friends and they said its normal for the first day.

Does anyone had an experienced like this? Please let me know how you dealt with it.

Thank you in advance

[midivydale]

Hi bimum,

How old is your boy? Biting is very common in young children, the staff at nursery should be able to reassure you. My son did bite a few timea during his settling in sessions and i couldnt believe it. He was bitten by other children too;) It is heartbreaking to leave your child for the first time and of course it will be even more traumatic if you have an incident. Try to be gentle with yourself, your son- and you- both need time to adjust. It takes time to build trust and a report with staff at nursery, especially if English is not your first language (it isnt for me either, so I know how hard it is).

Wishing you a better day tomorrow!

X

[Saffron]

You can ask for more settling in sessions where you stay with your child for some or all of the session. Some nurseries do this free. Others charge a fee. Some nurseries are more proactive about settling in, others not so much.

But if you tell the nursery what you want for your child, they should be willing to work with you. They should not blame the child or try to coerce you into scenarios you feel are unproductive. xx

[Convex]

my son was a biter, he grew out of it. in our case the nursery and we thought it was frustration at not being able to communicate.

he also bit when he was overwhelmed... very happy or very sad.

dont be upset, speak to the nursery x