potty training nightmares

[Bellenden Belle]

So today was day one of potty training my little boy who will be three in eight weeks.

He has shown no interest independently. But he was pleased to buy pants and happily read a book about potty training and sat on his potty and I honestly think has wanted to try.

But watching him today I honestly don't think he has any idea when he is actually going to the toilet, never mind knowing beforehand. After ten minutes of sitting on the potty and nothing, two minutes later he's soaking but completely oblivious to the fact.

He's not bothered by being wet at all. So I'm not experiencing any meltdowns.

My gut feeling is that he isn't ready and I should give it a few more months. But should I persevere this week? He doesn't seem stressed or miserable by the process but nor does he seem to be likely to make much progress. Is it likely to change overnight?

[Coach Beth]

I would say go with your gut and leave it for a bit unless you have some external pressure.... like from his nursery?

[Bellenden Belle]

Current nursery haven't mentioned it but we were keen to move nurseries as we have moved to Penge and I didn't want him turning up at a new nursery still in nappies.

Oh and the mother-in-law :-)

Otherwise, no other pressure.

[KatsuQueen]

I wouldn't worry about it. minikatsu was in nappies till after 3, he didnt show any interest. I had a new baby and couldn't face the stress of it all so waited till he was 3 + 4/5 months (if I remember correctly). The good thing is that once he "got it" there were only a few weeks till he was fully trained. Albeit with the odd accident. I was worried that he would not be dry for school nursery (it was a requirement) but it was fine.

However I am very glad he was first, as his younger sister basically self trained herself (took herself off the loo etc) and was fully trained at 2.5!! Not showing off but just observing that children are different.

[AnyaJoeli]

my son was exactly the same and I felt like he was going to be in nappies forever. He wasn't showing any of the signs of readiness and it was all a bit of a nightmare. I stopped and started a couple of times as he wasn't getting it and we were all getting a bit stressed. The positive difference with your situation is that your son isn't distressed: mine was really upset by the idea and actively rejected it and refused to go on the potty without meltdowns, so he really wasn't ready and I had to pause as it felt we were creating a negative association with toilet time with all the distress.

In the end moving nurseries for his 15- hours to a state nursery where they don't really "do" nappies was the push needed to jump in and lose pull ups and embrace accidents, and we had loads of accidents at first as similarly he had no understanding of preempting needing to go, and poos involved out and out bribery with toys (chocolate buttons/reward charts cut no ice with this toddler) before being produced but generally came out the other end unscathed and having "got it"...so finally at 3 and a half I feel we're pretty much fully there. But until he was just over 3 he really wasn't showing any sign of being ready or willing.

So...yours may just not be ready and if you want to pause then do but if he's not distressed by the idea I would actually persevere as he will get it...from experience you just need to work through these days where you think it's never ever going to happen and realise that it will, at some point, start to click.

Sorry for long essay...

[AnyaJoeli]

PS...I think that sometimes it's easy and they just get it in a few days or a week but other times, boringly, it requires lots and lots of work and patience. My son was actively rejecting the idea of moving out of nappies (he said "pants don't make me happy, I'm still little I'm not a big boy", and possibly he sensed my desperation as I'm expecting number 2 any time now so really wanted to have some nappy-free time before it all begins again), so it was a different level of not being ready which none of my friends seem to have encountered with theirs. By the sounds of it with yours, if you feel like giving it more time then do, but if you have the energy to do it now then might as well get it over with. It's only day one: there will be hiccups along the way but he'll get there.

[Bellenden Belle]

Ah Anya I was hoping you might post as I found your posts asking for advice whilst doing a forum search earlier today. I am so glad to hear you got there eventually - it gives me hope.

It's interesting that you say to persevere since he's not stressed as yes, that did strike me as different to your experience. I think tomorrow I shall let him wear pants under his nappies so he might start at least recognising the sensation of being wet and then maybe have another go on New Years Day (yay!) when daddy is home.

[AnyaJoeli]

Seriously I never thought we would get there and the fact that we eventually have really shows me that the mantra of all this shall pass is very useful, everything is a phase however hard or frustrating! It sounds like if you carry on now it'll no doubt be full of those moments where you're tearing your hair out and you totally run out of pants that haven't been weed on but you might look back in a few weeks and feel like it wasn't that bad. And actually even with our relative palaver with it all it didn't take more than 3 months to feel like now I can pretty safely rely on Maurice knowing that he needs a wee/poo and being able to facilitate that out and about without mishap.

Good luck! It'll be fine. If he does start to be a bit more stubborn and tricky just pm me x

[Convex]

A friend loaned me 'potty training for boys' which I found very helpful.

Basically started off doing sessions, eg doing a couple of hours nappy free and seeing how it went. Eventually he asked to wear pants like daddy and I jumped on it. It's been slow going but we just try and be really ok about any accidents 'oh never mind maybe we will get it into the potty next time' it's proabboy been 4-6 weeks and we have between 0-2 accidents a day.

Interestingly he is the same whether in nappies or pants. Is even if he wears a nappy all day he rarely uses it. So you could just start with nappy instead of pants and encouraging sitting on the potty.

But for us, being totally relaxed about it is working. Not always easy when he pees on the floor after sitting on the potty. But hey ho.

Also I have tried to avoid the 'big boys wear pants, babies wear nappies' route. He will get it from other places eg nursery and grandparents, but I alwasy counteracted it when I could. Eg I often say something like 'everyone has to learn to use the toilet and it's okay if it takes longer and it's normal to have accidents' blah blah blah. Trying to not make him feel like he is a silly baby because he has accidents etc. But we are terribly soft.

[Fuschia]

I think they often don't want WANT to be big boys, they want to stay our babies!

All my boys tt started with them oblivious to the whole idea of it ... The first success was just getting then tu actually sit on the loo/potty at all. They would keep off and soon after would go on the floor! Took days if not a week before they used the potty for the first time - then various degrees of success with them starting to use it reliably after the first time.

So ... Your son might or might not go for it.

Bit early to say.

[Knomester]

It's easy to say after the event, but however he gets there doesn't really matter. Some children 'get it' and others just don't. It's like everything, different children, different day. It can take weeks or months. We waited until around 3 too. One lesson I would take from our experience with our eldest is don't worry about the wet pants, wet clothes, wet floors. Have buckets and wipes to hand and as much 'pants off' time as possible (if only for less washing...). Day 1 was horrendous. Day 2 was pretty much the same. By the end of week 1 I had probably supped an entire bottle of gin.

If there's no trauma, perhaps persevere. But if it becomes stressful, don't beat yourself up about stopping and picking it up again days, or even weeks, later.

(Convex - you sound like lovely caring parents).

[simonethebeaver]

We used a method called 'Oh Crap! Potty Training' which can be downloaded as an e-book. Basically it works on the premise that kids really don't know when they need to go, so parents have to work it out for them. It's pretty intense for the first 2/3 days but my daughter was dry within a week, having shown very little interest beforehand.

[Fuschia]

I can really recommend this, though

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Ultimate-Potty-Training-Reward-Chart/dp/B00BEXB28Q

http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/B006DLFHZS/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?qid=1419894398&sr=8-2&pi=AC_SX200_QL40&dpPl=1&dpID=41ncz%2BIoR2L&ref=plSrch

Perhaps with http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/B005LVN1HW/ref=mp_s_a_1_4?qid=1419894511&sr=8-4&pi=AC_SX110_SY165 http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/B005UNY0MG/ref=mp_s_a_1_6?qid=1419894556&sr=8-6&pi=AC_SX110_SY165 and a book to read in the loo

The sticker chart gives rewards for little steps like sitting on the loo/potty, hand washing etc - so you can reward for any part of the process, even if he doesn't actually go in the potty at first ... The sticker chart is a good visual reminder for the parent, too

[Chunksmum]

Hi, I would leave it for a few weeks and wait till he's showing clear signs he is ready. It may not be long before for he does but in my opinion better to wait till they show that they want to go on the potty/toilet and can tell you when they need to go so that it will be less stressful for all and quicker wth fewer accidents.

My sons preschool wanted him potty trained at 2! He started preschool at 2.2mths and he wasn't ready there was absolutely no mention of a potty infact he wore it round the house as a hat! We had only read a couple of potty books together and he would come to the bathroom with me when I went so started to get his own understanding of what was going. I had decided to wait till he was closer to 3 next Summer to start training as regardless of what pressure preschool put me under if he wasn't ready I wasn't ready and as he is only there one morning a wk will probably not need a nappy change.

However in the last couple of months he has gone from sitting on potty/toilet himself saying pooh but after doing it and same for wee (he would want changing as soon as wet). Now at 2.5 he tells me when he is going to go and sits on the potty/toilet before he goes. So I guess those are pretty clear signs he is ready, practically doing it himself! I've never once sat him on the potty and he climbs up onto the toilet himself too infact the potty is a bit of an obsession now! He keeps nappies on though, I think only a couple of times I took it off and he went in the potty. I wanted to get the madness of christmas out the way before training him and also so we can be mainly at home for the week and I guess I'll just take nappy off and see how it goes eek!

Each child will be ready in their own time and as long as they're not starting primary school in nappies I don't see a problem.

Good luck!

[Mrs TP]

Defo too much pressure around and also concepts of what being potty trained is. Simply taking a nappy off a child and them then wetting themselves several times a day does not make them potty trained. My older two daughters where almost 3 and not ready until then. When they were ready it all happened in a couple of days. One preferred night nappies for a little longer and the other packed day and night nappies in at the same time. My youngest daughter took longer and was over 3. She just didn't seem to like going to the toilet and preferred nappies. I think they probably were a bit of a comfort habit for all of them (like a dummy / milk bottle) and it could have happened a tad earlier with huge stresses on them and me. So I left it and tried my best to avoid all external pressures especially 'friends' whose similar aged kids were out of nappies (but still wetting themselves on a daily basis).

For your mum-in-law, if she minds him at all then say you would appreciate her help with potty training and she can let him pee all over her floors / furniture - there is a possibility he will go with it with someone else and if not hopefully she will back off. If she doesn't have him but continues to ask about it then keep your answers short 'yes he is using nappies' and don't elaborate, leave it at that. Much of the older generation experienced cloth nappies and no washing machines and it was in their interest to potty train as earlier as possible. It is not the case now.

You could speak to his current nursery staff now. They will have seen it all before and will be able to help / advise.

Or do wait until after your move. The new nursery will also have been through it all before. It will happen, just not quite yet.

[Bellenden Belle]

Just to say a huge thank you to everyone for their posts and pms.

I am going to wait until Easter, but we'll keep on reading the books and sitting on the potty.

Will definitely be investing in Fushias step/ toilet seat combo and possibly the 'oh crap potty training' manual.

And will pack him off for his two days with granny armed with a smile and all his little panties.... just in case she can work miracles. :-)

Thanks all x

[Fuschia]

Let us know how it turns out!

[minder]

If it's day one of potty training then don't worry about it. I wouldn't put pants on under a nappy though as that's just more confusing and doesn't have any meaning for the child.

[Bellenden Belle]

For anyone wondering why I put pants on under a nappy it was so that he could feel the sensation of being wet. It's why toddlers in cloth nappies train quicker apparently. Poor little man remained oblivious to being wet so that theory didn't work.

[Pickle]

I wonder whether you persist with the pants (or a fabric liner) under a nappy for a few weeks, he may become aware of the wet feeling and it might help you to move forward.

All 3 of my kids wore cloth nappies and I do believe it helps, my 1st and 3rd were out of nappies by 2.5 and my 2nd child at just 2. They all reached a point where they would come to me after a wee in a nappy and tell me they were wet and that they wanted changed.

That said, it's not something to worry about, they all get there in the end.

[Belle]

We are 8 weeks or so in and truly at a loss to why we haven't given up yet. Blind optimism I guess! My son is 3 1/4 - we started when he was a month past 3. Oddly after the first week we thought he had nailed it but it's since been downhill. Not unusual to have 4 accidents (pee and poo) in a day and literally have had one accident free day in two months. I'm loathe to give up because I worry it'll just confuse him. But we are attempting the no fuss technique re accidents etc and def avoiding the big boy/baby language.

[Fuschia]

Having done 4, and been through every variation, my conclusion is that they get there when they are ready,and probably it makes little difference whether you fill in the time by just postponing the whole thing, or by having a few months of constant accidents. I have also managed to TT both by junking the nappy as soon as the child managed to use the toilet ... But also by keeping one in nappies (for a holiday) long after they wanted to be dry. And also by having several attempts, so out of nappies, back in ...

In short, it's worked out ok for all of them in the end, but each was different. There wasn't really a 'one size fits all' magic approach, and nor was it a totally linear process. If course, that's all pretty common sense, with the benefit of hindsight.

The only general advice that always holds true I think, is to do what feels right to you and suits at a given time. Don't be scared to change tack if necessary. Don't feel

Pressured by anyone else.

Same advice as for sleep, food etc, in fact

[etta166]

I know it's not a particularly popular approach now, but I "toilet trained" my three between 18m and 2 years by just taking them to the toilet a lot and catching the poo and pee for the first week or so. Eventually, they become entrained into going when they are on the toilet, but are in no way independent about it. It does get rid of the nappies, although not the responsibility for toileting. Eventually, my daughters would let me know that they needed to go before they were 2, my son shortly after that.

I do think that there is a window to do this when they first become aware of toileting, and if you miss it then nearer to 3.5 is more realistic when you can go straight to independent toileting where the child knows they need to go and takes themselves to the loo. I'm not sure that you can choose the time yourself, because the child needs to be willing and able for it to work out.

And also, a school nursery can't refuse to take a child in nappies as far as I am aware.