Reward chart advice for Xmas and helping daughter with tricky emotions

[jennyh]

Hey all

My daughter is nearly 4 and has a 10 month old brother which has gone really well so far in terms of adjusting and managing with jealousy etc. Recently she has been exhibiting some sadness and anger which I think is something to do with her realising he's not going anywhere/him starting to crawl and being more 'annoying' and both of them being unwell and needing lots of looking after whilst I do the classic meltdown trying to manage them both. She has made it very clear that I have to be her mummy and that I have to look after her which I am working through with her. However in periods of rage she is whacking me and shouting at me etc and I haven't managed to quite get a grip of it yet.

With this tricky behaviour in mind, and her insane longing for consumerism and newness, I would like to come up with some sort of reward chart for Christmas as currently she thinks she can have everything she wants without having to behave well and have good manners. She has picked a few things she would like but I can't get my head around a simple way to link her difficult behaviour with receiving gifts, I thought maybe each day we talk about whether she has managed to not shout/not hit and not be rude and if so she gets a sticker towards her presents....but I don't know if that is immediate enough as by the end of the day she has forgotten what happened that morning!

Any advice on how to make her aware that presents are expensive and that they are not just given out without you having to earn them in some way??? I tried to introduce an elf on the shelf idea but she actually freaked out about the idea of having an 'elf' in the house so I would rather say that Father Xmas has sent us a reward chart to complete and if she gets the stars we will send it to him...

[BeccaL]

Have to say, not sure about relating behaviour to Christmas presents - are you "really" prepared not to give her presents if her behaviour doesn't improve? I think with this sort of thing it's essential that you are 100% prepared to go through with the sanction, whatever it is, because they will test you on this...

Also, at nearly 4 does she really understand what/when Christmas is? Personally think behaviour rewards need to be something a little more tangible and easily taken away (and easily managed to be taken away by you), e.g. no TV, no sweets - something that she usually has as a treat which you can emphasise that she is now not getting because she has misbehaved? At that age, we had a few periods of daughter not being allowed cereal for breakfast at weekends (usual treat) but having to have porridge as she does during the week - it's something straightforward to carry out which she understood easily. Hope that helps...

[Saffron]

Wellll...... at the risk of making myself incredibly unpopular... I'm going to suggest that xmas presents ARE just given out of love, and we love our children (and vice versa) even when we're totally annoyed with them. So maybe the idea of xmas presents should be somewhat divested from immediate behaviour, and instead reinforce the idea that she could be thinking about what presents she might want to give other family members for xmas? Just a thought.

Otherwise, I agree that you need some type of more immediate reward. What about a marble jar? Set a goal, eg 5 marbles for a treat. A marble goes in for being good, but marbles don't come out for bad behaviour. This way only the good behaviour is rewarded. The bad behaviour receives no attention at all. A treat might be a lucky dip bag containing a mix of minichocs, stickers, mini toys etc. Or you might agree to set a 'super goal', 10 marbles for a bigger toy, afternoon out with just the two of you (no sibling), etc. When the marble goal is reached, you empty the jar and start again.

You could still run the sticker chart in the background. Maybe, a sticker every time the marble jar has reached its goal? xx

[jennyh]

Thanks BeccaL. It's really difficult because I suppose that I have lumped the two things together because she is just obsessed with presents (recently broke her foot so was sent loads of get well gifts) but she has absolute no understanding of why you can't have something you want and is really pushing the boundaries of manipulation/testing etc. I am a bit muddled with the different things we have going on and don't want to confuse her as I know she is still young and doesn't understand. The vast majority of this stuff is because we have prob spoilt her and not been clear on our expectations of her and what she can/can't have. With the arrival of her brother we fell into the classic trap of sweetening her with tv etc whilst I spend hours feedings/changing/rocking etc so there aren't many things that she cares enough about to have them taken away!

I totally take your point on board and will give it a lot more thought as I hadn't considered it in that way. We've never done reward charts or taking things away with any real conviction. Also the broken foot has played a big part in her change of mood etc and I am sure this is a phase we can get through with some sensitivity on my part rather than losing my patience as I get hit and screamed at again!

[Saffron]

BeccaL Wrote:

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> Have to say, not sure about relating behaviour to

> Christmas presents - are you "really" prepared not

> to give her presents if her behaviour doesn't

> improve? I think with this sort of thing it's

> essential that you are 100% prepared to go through

> with the sanction, whatever it is, because they

> will test you on this...

>

Sorry, crossed posts. But I agree with you on this one!

And on the subject of testing behaviour, and siblings... I did actually wrap up a jar of dead worms for my brother one xmas when he was particularly horrible to me! :-O

[jennyh]

Thanks Saffron. I love your sentiment so not unpopular at all! I do agree wholly, I think that I am just shocked at her yearning for 'stuff' and I don't like seeing it as we are not like that and I grew up with very little. I guess that they are different things so I am going to rethink it all a bit.

Good idea on the marbles too. I think that is a nice way of seeing the achievement stacking up and she def responds much better to praise and she gets really proud. We are caught in a bit of a spiral where I am 'mean mummy' because I tell her off all the time and she is feeling very down about it so is therefore playing up more so bit of a vicious circle. Hopefully once her cast is off she can be a bit more independent and more herself and my son will have a bit of time where he isn't screeching to be picked up all the time and we can get a bit more clarity!

[Saffron]

jennyh Wrote:

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>... With the arrival of her brother

> we fell into the classic trap of sweetening her

> with tv etc whilst I spend hours

> feedings/changing/rocking etc so there aren't many

> things that she cares enough about to have them

> taken away!

>

>

She cares about YOU! And your time with her is being 'taken away' by her brother. Any chance you can increase your one-on-one time with her, even if it's only an hour once a week to do something of her choosing (books, caf?, local shop)? xx

[jennyh]

Yeah definitely and we have had periods in the past where we have managed this very successfully. Unfortunately my son got quite ill for a couple of weeks and reached that clingy stage at the same time so it's just been a little testing and she has had to wait more than she would. Most days we have a good 2-3 hours a day doing an activity like painting/shops/doll's house etc and we always have an hour at bedtime reading books and talking on our own so she does get a lot of 1-1 time but she has told me she wants me to play with her ALL day :) The sweet thing is that when I suggest us going to do stuff at the weekend she always prefers to have the whole family out as she loves her bro so much and he's her best friend. Cute.

[Saffron]

Sounds like you're all in a really tough phase, but it is just a phase! xx

[jennyh]

Saffron Wrote:

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> Sounds like you're all in a really tough phase,

> but it is just a phase! xx

Yeah I know, I just find it hard seeing her so emotional and clearly struggling with her feelings but that is prob my own childhood coming out - argh! I will lighten up and focus on laughter and marbles.

[BeccaL]

Jar of dead worms - love it!! Agree that changing focus onto what gifts she would like to give other people might be good. Have you and she made a christmas list for her? Would take requests with pinch of salt - from ages 5-8 daughter put on her christmas list laptop and phone, safe in the knowledge that there was no chance she would get either! this year (age 9) neither is on the list thankfully. The list does allow us to discuss why she wants certain things, and the likelihood or not of her getting them! I've been banging on so much about the ridiculous price of football shirts (current most desired item) that she didn't actually put that on her list initially as she thought no chance of getting - mean mummy!!

[jennyh]

Ha ha! Yes we made a list and printed out pictures of the things she would like and stuck them down. She has sent a letter to Father Christmas asking for a baby annabell doll that yawns etc and then her list for me and her dad is for an Elsa dress, a baby highchair and a hot water bottle. So I prob shouldn't complain, no laptops in site yet!!! :)

[bluesuperted]

Hiya,

I agree with Saffron and BeccaL, plus I'm pretty anti-rewards and pro-intrinsic motivation wherever possible. I also agree, for me, Christmas is unconditional for parents and kids and don't personally like references to naughty / nice children at this or any time of year.

In terms of encouraging your little one to move away from consumerism, this is a lovely idea and far nicer than the Elf on the Shelf creepiness...

http://theimaginationtree.com/2013/11/alternative-elf-on-shelf-tradition-kindness-elf-kindness-elves.html

It's a lovely idea and we have bought an elf door, a few elves and are going to do it alongside an advent calendar in December - the notes will be mix of treats/activities and doing nice things for others to give a message of Christmas spirit and kindness. If your little girl would be freaked out by the dolls then this could easily be done by just having notes appear/make a postbox etc that you could discover and read together. You could also incorporate mummy/daughter time into the activities when that worked well?

ETA We are not a religious family so not doing that aspect, just focusing on human to human kindness.

[Fuschia]

In terms of consumerism, how about introducing small amounts of pocket money and taking her to spend it, perhaps in sainsburys where they haven't the hair bands, sweets, stationery, toys etc? Help her appreciate the cost of things.

Also ... Make sure she knows that YOU buy some of the Xmas presents And emphasise how much you love her (and get brother) and like to give her gifts ... And help her make gifts for others

It's not very attractive when we see out children as grasping or greedy, but with tv and advertising etc, it's hard for them to avoid the pressure!

[yeknomyeknom]

Hi Jenny,

I find young children are willing to belive anything is a treat if it is sold to them in the right way. Perhaps you could try to combine giving your girl time alone with you as well as illustrating the positives of having a little brother. Maybe "did you know Santa's Elves are the best boys and girls there ever were? If you are a good girl for the rest of the day (or whenever), I will convince the elves to let you help me wrap baby brothers xmas presents. You can pick from sparkly silver or pink and we can sprinkle fairy dust inside each one. But first you have to prove to the elves you are good like them". Or some other such story. Teaches her about giving, not just receiving, teaches her to do something nice for her brother and hopefully be good aswell. Maybe make a magic elf box full of sparkles and glitter and if she is good she gets to wrap one present for her brother that day. That way you can eek it out.

Meant to add, it would be just you and her wrapping the present when baby is asleep or with a relative etc. this way the real prize is special time with her mummy.

[jennyh]

love this forum, so positive and helpful when you can't see the wood for the trees! Great ideas everyone, and you have given me some energy to try and turn the focus around. Love the elf idea and I think she would too so will prob give that a try as well as rewarding nice things with marbles.