Advice/recommendations sought in finding a childminder with a gentle approach to looking after child

[tarafitness]

I was wondering if anyone could offer any help please?

In January I will be returning to work for 3 (possibly 4) days, and leaving my 13 month son in the care of someone else who will effectively become 'mum' for the time that I'm away. As this is a job that I take very seriously, I'm keen to get it right when it comes to finding that person who will be sharing my role.

Due to the colossal waiting lists at local nurseries, we will be looking to employ a childminder to look after our precious son.

I took it as a given that childcare professionals wouldn't employ methods like CC/CIO with children in their care, but from talking to other mums it seems that this isn't always the case, and that I shouldn't assume that my son wouldn't be left alone, and/or to cry himself to sleep at nap times.

Although entirely inappropriate at his current age, I'm also thinking ahead to discipline. I'd be keen for my son to not be subject to harsh punishments including things like naughty steps, or really anything that puts him in isolation from other children and his caregiver, especially given studies into how things like Time Outs can damage a developing brain.

So if anyone has any advice on how I can go about finding a childminder who is gentle, patient, nurturing and kind, then please can you share. Should I advertise on here with a list of requirements, is that how it works? Or should I approach childminders and ask them about their approaches to situations in order to gain an honest response? I want to be sure that I'm employing someone who shares in my parenting principles, and I therefore don't think a strict disciplinarian would be appropriate... but I'm wondering how you would know? Do people observe childminders with other children before employing them?

Similarly, if you know anyone who you think would be appropriate from your own experiences, or word of mouth, I'd love to hear by PM.

Sorry for rambling post, my (much) older son went to a local nursery when he was just over a year, so I'm inexperienced in things like childminders and nannies, and any advice would be gratefully received.

Thanks in advance

Tara

[buggie]

To be fair to childminders - many can't sit with children getting them to sleep as they have several children in their care at the same time.

Finding a CM who fits your ideas on discipline should be possible (I found mine via the forum & was lucky enough that we clicked immediately and share ideals), but I had to accept that she would be unlikely to sit with my 11mth old until he's asleep as she has another couple of children to care for as well. I'm comfortable that while not physically beside him, he is literally in the room next door, and if he doesn't settle (unusual as she follows his cues regarding naps) she's back in & helping him asap and have found that (possibly due to him rapidly becoming more active) he's much quicker at settling for naps at home now.

[tarafitness]

That's a good point, I hadn't thought of it like that.

Do you know how many children a childminder would have in her care?

A friend of mine knows a childminder who leaves all the children upstairs to cry it out, while she stays downstairs and takes her 1 hour break.

The parents are okay with it, but it's not something I am comfortable with.

[Pugwash]

You need to meet several child minders to judge their approach. Also need to take in consideration location of CM - on way to work? near home? Ages of other children being cared for, how long have they been doing the 'job' What is their approach re food, outings meeting up with other children etc.

[newboots]

Sounds like you need a nanny really. Is that a possibility?

[echo]

Just start looking. I agree with pug wash, there are other issues to think about.

When my eldest was at her childminders there was a routine afternoon sleep for all children, mattresses where put on the floor, curtains closed and they had a hours rest. However at home, she NEVER had an afternoon sleep, far too busy and active! Children do adapt and routines can be useful and reassuring for children, but this is not what you are talking about. You are concerned whether your child will be neglected, be upset, not be listened to and so on.

You are looking for someone who will respond kindly and proactively. But possibly who is also honest, fun, playful, fair and trustworthy. But, just as the prefect mother does not exist, you will not find the perfect childminder. Hopefully you will find someone who is good enough and suits you and your child.

Also it is interesting that you think a nursery is not an option due to long waiting lists. Most research suggests that they are poor environments for very young children as they do not allow the children to form attachments to their care givers. If we had had the money, I probably would have chosen a nanny, but the local, long established and popular child minder was a good choice for us.

[tarafitness]

Thank you for your responses :-)

Yes, I totally appreciate that I'm not going to find the 'perfect' childminder, mainly because everyone's perception of perfection differs!

Re nurseries, I was under the impression that a child would have one key worker who in turn looked after a couple of other children - so I'd have thought the ratio of child to caregiver would be similar to that of childminder?

I was very impressed by Little Jungle nursery in this respect, particularly as the key worker stays with the child throughout the whole of their time at the nursery, rather like my older son's tutor did for the entire time he was at secondary school.

I also like Little Jungle's attitude to nap times, in that they'll stay with the child if they're finding it difficult to fall asleep, and pat them until they do. If that doesn't work, they bring them back out into the play room for a bit and try again after 20 minutes.

My older son had a lovely time at his nursery, and started at the same age that DS2 will be - 13 months - and for the same number of days, which is why it was my first thought when it came to childcare. I think if I was going back to work before he was one, I'd have hired a nanny/childminder from the off though.

Regarding nannies, they look after your child at your home, right? I think I'd prefer my son to go to someone with a nice big outside area and be able to have fun in a different environment to the one at home... more variation to his week :-) Also, aren't childminders subject to more stringent safety/security and quality checks than nannies? In a similar way to nurseries? In any of this, please correct me if I'm wrong!

Thanks

Tara

[kemurf]

Hi

I think your post is really interesting as what you state is what we all want for our children - the best possible care, the same kind of love and attention as they might get from their parents. But I don't think that is realistic. Childminders are paid (poorly) to look after, teach and care for children, they are not, with the best will in the world, sharing your role as you say, and nor would you want them to. You're the best your child has and this isn't meant as a guilt trip.

I agree - do your homework! I would imagine that you can get many recommendations on this forum (do a search for childminder and PM people for their comments), and visit nurseries, but keep your options open; a childminder may only have a space once an existing child leaves (and at short notice ie possibly a month); so that's why a nursery, or a nanny (who can be Ofsted registered, Paed first aid trained, although they may lack the EYFS knowledge) is a good back up option.

Have some 'how to' questions ready when you meet them - what kind of activities do you like to do, do you have a routine for all your children, how do you settle children to sleep, how do you deal with a child who won't listen (behaviour) etc...

I often saw childminders with their charges at playgroups, libraries etc and that gave me a good sense of what I liked and didn't like. I used to check the registers for their names so I knew to avoid them or call them when I was ringing round!

And they are interviewing you as much as you are them. If they like you, I'm sure they will want to keep in touch with you until the time comes.

But avoid anyone with inadequate or satisfactory, if they can't complete basic paperwork or convince an inspector that they know how to look after children, why would you as a parent.

Good luck!

[tarafitness]

Thank you, kemurf, that's hugely helpful, and thanks again everyone else for your comments and suggestions.

[vez]

I have to disagree with above comment regarding avoiding anyone with a satisfactory rating. It's always worth meeting people and make your own impression first rather than relying on a rating by an institution based on which boxes they were able to tick about a childcare setting. Both childcare settings we used for my son got a satisfactory rating at one point or another and it was in both cases due to some (in my opinon minor) procedural issue. In my opinion (shared with all other parents I spoke to) both childcare settings were excellent and ideal for our son.

We used a childminder for both my son and will be for my daughter. In both cases I went with my gut feeling about both the person and their home.

[vez]

Hi Tara, I have to disagree with above comment regarding avoiding anyone with a satisfactory rating. It's always worth meeting people and making your own impression first rather than relying on a rating by an institution based on which boxes they were able to tick about a childcare setting. Both childcare settings we used for my son got a satisfactory rating at one point or another and it was in both cases due to some (in my opinon minor) procedural issue. In my opinion (shared with all other parents I spoke to) both childcare settings were excellent and ideal for our son.

We used a childminder for both our son and will be for our daughter. In both cases I went with my gut feeling about both the person and their home and how they came across when I first met them. You really have to click with them on a personal level. My son never settled in the travel cot at the CMs so he always had a long nap in the buggy. Worked for me. His CM did use time out but I didn't mind. I am of the opinion 'it takes a village' and I trusted her judgement. She had brought up 3 well-rounded children and had looked after lots of children, many of them over years. My son was very happy in her care.

[minder]

Tara, a childminder has the same amount of children in their care i.e. 3 or less and a nursery worker has the same I think, although not always the same children? Correct me if I'm wrong the nursery workers out there? As a childminder, you don't get much communication from any for the record if they (the children) are at a nursery.

kemurf, I can't believe your post really about childminders out and about at playgroups, libraries, music groups etc.

Over the years and even up until last week I still see so many parents and nannies oblivious to anything but chatting to their friends and on their phones that their children are just left to their own devices. This is all done when somebody is trying to talk/sing above them!

[Fuschia]

Once you start meeting and talking to childminders I think your fears will be allayed. Our childminder was lovely, He would never have left a baby to cry. When I hsnded over two breastfed cosleeping 1 year olds I was a little worried how it would go, but she would coax expressed milk into them then get them off to sleep by singing and rocking. Within a few weeks they were really well settled and would nap every day between 1.30 and 3. If I ever popped in during the afternoon, both would be snoozing happily (in their car seats, there was an older child who used to sleep upstairs in a cot)

My older child was a nap refusenik but he would usually sleep on the way back from

Places in the buggy.

I know when she had one very unsettled baby, she would walk for miles with him

In the buggy.

I think you just need to ask the minders about how they arrange naps, and get references from existing parents.

In my experience, a child minded is the best, most homely care for small children - you just need to find one you get on with, and the right mix of other children age wise.

[Pickle]

I meet up with a group of local childminders at a number of playgroups during the week, and none of them would use the harsh approach you mention. In fact, I always feel that they are more attentive to the children than I am to mine as a parent!

I'm sure there probably are some like that out there, but similarly there are parents for whom they would be a good fit. As others have said, it's a case of meeting with different people and getting a feel for how they operate. A number of the ladies I know have grandchildren, and treat their minded children as if they are part of their family, it's really lovely to see.

I would choose a childminder over a nursery, if I had to make that decision.

Good luck x

[Belle]

Agree - meet and or go with word of mouth - that's how we found ours and we could not do without her! She is brilliant, capable and most important to us she really cares about the children. They love her!

[Dulwich13]

Every child is different: some are better off with a child minder and some at a nursery. I was a "nursery child" myself, but my sister found it too much and she went to a child minder. My parents were very lucky to have the option to choose. Little Dulwich13 goes to nursery and I would not have it any other way. Apologies if I have confused.

Going with your gut feeling is usually a good indicator.

Best of luck.

[Monkey]

It's still worth you ringing nurseries - their waiting lists tend to be one big mess. Don't limit your search: it could be that when it comes down to it, a nursery is the best option or vice versa. For childminders, I agree the best option is word of mouth. Having said that, the two wonderland childminders i have had I met through the forum, got on well with them immediately, checked their crb documents and that was it! Good luck!

[bluesuperted]

No personal experience I'm afraid but you could try posting in a couple of Facebook groups, the South East London Attachment Parenting group and the Attachment Childcare UK group - lots of people with similar ideals on both groups, the former is local and the latter UK but specific to childcare. Hth and good luck.

[newtoedf]

Children's centres are a good place to start looking for childminders, they'll often run childminding groups and staff will be able to introduce you to childminders who are regulars. That's how I found our childminder: she has looked after my son for the past 3 years and we've been very happy. In my experience another advantage of a childminder is consistency, because they are caring for children in their own home they tend to be in it for the long haul whereas nursery staff and nannies seem to move on quite often.