Please tell me it gets easier

[EmilyPie]

Apologies in advance this post is probably going to be an incoherent ramble. My power to be concise has deserted me recently! I really need to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I have a nearly 3 1/2 yo and a 14mo and am pretty much at my limit. Both were/are awful sleepers. We did cc with the youngest and got to a point where eldest was sleeping 7-6 and youngest sleeping 7-4 or 5, which was great. However, teething and illness etc and we're back to lo waking every couple of hours, in the bed from about 1am wanting feeding all night, and now eldest waking in the night too wanting to come in with us. We're completely exhausted. I know we should probably do cc again but I'm not sure I can bear it. The first time was so awful. The first night he cried non stop from 7pm until 4.30am and we never got to the point where he'd go to sleep without crying. It meant we dreaded bedtime. We've recently moved house. Everything is in chaos. I've gone back to work, which is great for getting a break but means there's no time to do anything home related. My husband is under loads of stress at work. There's barely time to have a shower let alone have me time or couple time. I have ideas of fun stuff to do with the kids but in practice I'm so tired and the idea of trying to give the eldest the attention required to get him into something while stopping the youngest from destroying everything, eating inappropriate things etc is just so overwhelming I end up just going to the park. I feel like I'm shit at this parenting business and am wishing away what is supposed to be precious time. And, while I love no2 dearly, I think having a second child was a mistake as I'm clearly beyond my capacity to cope! Please can somebody tell me that it gets easier. And if so when?

[Lochie]

Hi Emily, it sounds like you have a lot going on. I think during periods like this when things are really hard and there are lots of changes, you should chuck out the 'rule book' when it comes to sleep and routines, and instead do whatever you need to do to get you through the day and night with your sanity in tact.

I have a nearly 5 year old and a 2.5 year old and it is only the past 6 months that our sleep has been regular and I've managed to get a 7 hour stretch at night. My youngest in particular was an awful sleeper and in the end I just co-slept - it made life easier for all of us. Is there any chance you could just have your kids in with you (littlest one in your bed, big one on mattress on floor) until everything settles? Your husband could sleep in the kids room so he can get some kip? It might be that it helps everyone to get a good nights sleep?? (if it would make things harder for you then ignore that suggestion!) For us, co-sleeping didn't last for ever. My kids now happily share a bedroom together without me, so it is a habit that is breakable when the time is right for all of you.

Also don't give yourself a hard time. It may appear that everyone else is totally on top of 'parenting' but I don't think that is true at all - I think a lot of parents would confess to going through challenging periods like this and having self-doubt. It doesn't sound like you are bad at parenting. It sounds like you are a normal, loving mother who is just having a very tricky time of it at the moment.

x

[Belle]

Will post more later as dashing off but just wanted to pick out something you said "we end up just going to the park" - I wouldn't feel bad about that! Going to the park is all they need really and it's great you're making it out the door to be honest, particularly given the sleep situation. I wouldn't add extra pressure on yourself to do all those complex parenting activities we read about /people blog about and which can make us feel bad. Fresh air, a run around, time with you - that really is pretty much all a preschooler needs. I'm over simplifying but hope you get my point. Please don't feel bad! Will post more later.

[standswithfist]

don't feel like you are on your own. i have a nearly 6 year old and a 15 month old both sleep with me and i'm existing on coffee. i work full time also. all i can say i i can't do cc as i can't bear the crying. but teething has him up up to 5 times a night. my job is stressful and my partner manages a restaurant so i am effectively on my own at night. i dread the nights and today ive been looking at sleep seminars to see if i can get any tips. not found anything i can attend yet! hang in there when the 6yr old was nearly 4 she was finally sleeping through even if it was with me. good luck and message me anytime even if it is to vent X

[EmilyPie]

Thank you for your lovely posts and pms. Lochie, I actually really like having them in the bed but the big one thrashes and wriggles and the little one wants constant boob so it doesn't really help with the sleep sadly. It is nice having their little warm bodies and nice soft heads snuggled up against me though.

Belle, you're right about the park. They love it. It is just me who feels we need to be creating masterpieces out of papier-m?ch? etc. I need to stop reading those bloody blogs. I read it thinking if I have ideas about how to fill the day it will be easier but actually I just end up putting pressure on myself.

Standswithfist sorry you're having a tough time too. If you get any tips from your seminars or research please share. I'll let you know if I find anything that works.

I do feel a bit better this evening. Glass of wine and your kind words definitely helps. Thank you wise forum people. God though, it is so bloody hard!!!!!

[Belle]

Hi again,

glad you are feeling a bit better. Evenings are bloody important, so it's good you're getting those, even though the nights sound bad! Your life sounds really stressful at the moment - both busy with work, lack of sleep, house move, and last but not least 2 kids who are really still quite little. I mentioned to a friend (and forumite) your post and we both agreed that the ages your kids are at, is a tough stage. So first off do not feel bad or compare yourself to others.

My main bit of advice is to sort the sleep out (although I take your point that co sleeping can be nice, and lord knows we still do it in our house with a 5.5 yr old and nearly 3 yr old on occasion - but this sounds not like co-sleeping, and sleeping well, which is fine, but co-sleeping and you not getting proper rest). I have smilar age gaps to you and about the stage you're at now, when I'd just gone back to work, and my youngest had never slept through, and I was on my knees with tiredness, I enlisted the help of Nicola at child sleep solutions (http://www.childsleepsolutions.co.uk/) - recommended often on this forum. She was brilliant. I really think that when sleep problems get bad, you need a cool, clear head - and being outside the family can help with that. She outlined about 8 different approaches - from CC right down to the most gradual of gradual retreats, so I was really reassured that it didn't have to be tough love. In the end we took a very gentle no cry approach, with her help. I did find my husband had to implement it at first, which is quite common. I'm not saying he slept from then forever more - and I don't think Nicola would say that such miracles can happen. But what I do know is that within 3 nights he slept through for the first time in his life. Thereafter, up to age 2, he slept about 5/6 nights out of 7, and now it's only occasionally (due to illness etc) that he gets up at night. I think it's importance to recognise that the sleep situation doesn't stand still - so you may address a problem, and have great sleep for a year, but then another issue might arise. But sort of accepting that makes a big difference, and in my experience, having someone like Nicola who has so much experience and knowledge, to help guide you through a really bad patch and come up with a strategy to fix it, is the answer. I know it's an expense, but in my opinion it's worth every penny.

Hope that helps - and in answer to your plea, it does get easier!

[Pickle]

Belle, your post is spot on.

I would say yes, it will get easier, but you have to be proactive. If you do nothing in terms of sorting out the sleep, it will get better, but might take a long time. If you tackle the root of the problem head on (easier said than done, I know), you are more likely to reach a happier place faster.

That said, you sound like you are doing a brilliant job. Time spent at the park with Mummy is the most precious time in the world, and once they're at school and growing at a rate of knots you will look back and realise that you did exactly what small children want and need. Papier-m?ch??! They get to do that sort of thing at school, save yourself the stress (and the mess!) :)

Take care x

[Belle]

Yup - don't read the blogs - use the time to read a book/magazine or do something similar for yourself, even if it's only 5 minutes.

[snowboarder]

Just to add to the above - when my eldest wasn't sleeping we got help from a sleep expert - she actually came and stayed at our house overnight in a type of super nanny type role - which was weird but amazingly it worked - yes it was expensive but it was life changing. I kind of felt I had totally failed and was embarrassed to pay for help, I'm not sure why, but anyway - don't be. And it does get easier, and the children start school and preschool. I have nostalgic thoughts back to when my 2 were younger now (they're currently 5 and 3) but I know at the time I sometimes felt I was doing some sort of penance for previous sins...!

[standswithfist]

i agree with all the above. last night i finally got some sleep as Calpol is my new friend. The baby is teething (nappy rash/temperature etc) and luckily he had become cranky before I got home from school. So the first time he woke up he got calpol and teetha and then only woke once more. I feel like a new woman today!

I can't wait till i get my daughter in her bedroom full time and the boy back in his cot. but baby steps and all that.

I also meant to say that going to the park is fab. the highlight of my kids weekend this weekend will be going to the park to pick conkers. i don't think i can manage much more but i know they will love it.

Sending hugs X

[Michelle Wiseman]

Hi Emily

I'm sorry to hear how hard things are at the moment. just in case it's off any help - a very good friend of mine is a professional sleep trainer. There really are so many different ways that you can make the little ones sleep so much better that don't involve CC if that isn't the right option for you. It is a paid service, but I wonder if it might be worth seeking her advice? It sounds like, if you were all able to get enough sleep, it would make everything else seem so much easier and less overwhelming. Here's her website in case you want to contact her: http://www.childsleepsolutions.co.uk/ Her name is Nicola Hendey and she is very lovely and comes very highly recommended by all of her clients.

Whichever route you take - I really hope things get much better soon. Take good care of yourself xx

[SLad]

I agreed with all that has been said above. I have no idea how hard it must be for you at the moment and really hope that you can see what a great job you're doing sustaining full time work, parenting two young kids and managing the chaotic upheaval of a house move.

The only other thing I wanted to add was that on those now thankfully reasonably rare occasions when my daughter needs to co-sleep, I take her and me off to our spare room so that my husband can get a decent night's sleep so he can be fresh to do most of the parenting the next morning. This also has the advantage that when my daughter pesters for the boob (and she would be on it constantly if you could) I can turn away from her and let her snuggle my back instead. I never thought this would work because she'd end up howling but the most we've had it a mewl in protest before sleeps takes over and she goes back to dream.

I felt this was really important because constant breast-feeding overnight is so physically draining especially if, like me, you've cut the nursing down to 1-2 sessions because you've gone back to work.

Good luck and keep posting because everyone here will give you as much support as they possibly can. x

[Otta]

I have two girls with similar age gap, and yes it gets easier (although there will be other things that reek havok along the way).

But as Belle says, there is NOTHING wrong with going to the park. People get so hung up these days on having to give their kids different experiences and get them out every day. To be honest, I think half the time my kids are knackered when they're being dragged to something "fun and new", and would much rather be in the local park or playing at home.

Getting ready and out the door with two kids can be an absolute bloody nightmare, and I think occasionally kids (like adults) are more than happy to have a quiet day indoors. Mine do anyway.

Good luck.

[Otta]

EmilyPie Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Belle, you're right about the park. They love it.

> It is just me who feels we need to be creating

> masterpieces out of papier-m?ch? etc. I need to

> stop reading those bloody blogs. I read it

> thinking if I have ideas about how to fill the day

> it will be easier but actually I just end up

> putting pressure on myself.

I bloody hate parenting blogs. Where the hell do these morons find the time to actually write these blogs, and why do they think the rest of the world needs to hear about their bloody life?

Sorry, irrational rage moment.

[EmilyPie]

Thank you lovely people. You have inspired me to put a plan in place. I am going to try and wean littly off the boob at night, pushing the point at which I cave back a little bit further each night. If that doesn't make any difference after a few weeks I'm going to ring nicola and hope she can save us. In the meantime I'm going to stop beating myself up about the park and celebrate the fact we've left the house. It is going to be hard work but you're right I'll feel much better if I can get some sleep. Wish me luck. And thank you again.

[SE22mum]

my kids went to nothing but the park for 4 years! really, really don't worry about that. if you need to, you can always do other things at weekends. also, if they have been at childcare during the day as you work, they probably just want to chill out a bit.

have you tried nearly co-sleeping, as in having them in your room but not in your bed? we find this works really well - they sleep for longer as they feel you next to them but you get your own bed.

you might also want to consider going away for a few days to wean your little one off night-time feeding? I know is difficult to arrange but is easier than trying to do it with you there...

[JJSP]

Another vote of confidence in you for simply leaving the house: this is a miracle on no sleep and you can celebrate it. Plus in a couple of years time when you're actually a bit better rested you can do all that crafty stuff (if you want to) and actually enjoy it instead of it feeling like a chore.

You mention feeling like the second one was a mistake sometimes. That's a brave thing to admit and not something that people feel they can talk about much. My two are 17 months apart and I can remember having very strong feelings like that when in the early days it was all just too much.

For me the thing that helped was getting some consistent sleep (duh, who da thought it) which came after the little one was 2 plus. He's a few months off 3 now and I can't say how differently I feel about the whole business of parenting. What felt like a huge slog poorly interspersed with moments of loveliness now feels like the opposite. I'm not saying it's without it's challenges, it's just nothing can possibly compare to dealing with the very early days.

You mention feeling bad about 'wishing this time away'. You shouldn't I think. For me there was some lovely stuff about the newborn to 2 phase, but not much. I don't miss it and I wouldn't want to go back to it. Toddler and up is just so much more fun in almost every way. Not least because of the reasonably good chance of getting a good night's sleep.

Anyway, sorry that turned into more of a confessional. I suppose my point is good on you for saying how you feel. And yes, there is light at the end of the tunnel. It'll come sooner than you think, in little fits and starts, but when you're there it will be the most glorious sunshine.

Hope you get some sleep tonight.

Jane x

[EmilyPie]

I think our littlest is too much of a wanderer for a mattress on the floor sadly. He already spends a fair bit of the night travelling around the bed. I dread to think what would happen if he was left to his own devices! I like the idea of going away though. Might see if I can arrange some sort of urgent work trip! Not normally required in my line of work but I'll do my best.

Jane, thank you for your confessional. It is very reassuring to know other people have these kinds of feelings too. It makes me feel that maybe it is, at least partly, parenting small children in general and not just my lack of aptitude for it. I do also think though that I'm not best suited to very small children. Now that I reflect on it I remember thinking with my first how much better it got as he got older and able to communicate better and express his personality better and SLEEP better.

Thank you to everyone whose posted on here. It has really really helped and I've been really touched. And here's to the glorious sunshine to come!!!