I am a locale reporteur

[Ted Max]

"When nanny's away, kids play the goat"

Credit-crunched families are turning their children out onto the streets, creating a local crime wave, claims a local resident.

A Mr L Peckham told the Dulwich Guardian Weekender that children are being left to run free as their regular carers, mostly nannies and au pairs from Slovakia, have been laid off as local families tighten their belts.

"It's causing havoc. Only yesterday I had to step sideways six inches to pass two mums who'd stopped for a chat, in broad daylight," Mr Peckham ranted.

One child we spoke to confirmed she had been abandoned to fend for herself. "Yes, that's Mummy over there in the queue at Pretty Traditional," the sinister tot said. "She's buying brocoli for my lunch. Yummy."

Local retailers condemned the initiative. One told us, "I think it's nice, the kids get to see a bit more of their parents, and the parents can hook up with other parents to give each other some support. We get them in here all the time, and they're no trouble and their business is welcome. Hot chocolate was it?"

YOU DECIDE: Local kids - Crime wave or Cheery Wave? Text your answer and quote: "Ineedtocalmdownandcheerup"

[Ted Max]

COMEDY BIT by Jenny Profiterole

350 words a month, it's not a lot is it, for a former Perrier winner (That's the comedy award, folks, not the drink. Please don't award me the drink. I only drink champagne now, on account of an incident involving the lovable Stephen Frost, a Rolls Royce and my partner's Star Alliance Club Card.)

Anyway, there I am, in the 10 items or less, fewer, or whatever, queue at my local Sainsbury's, which is in East Dulwich, although I live in Camberwell. How did that happen? And I'm wondering how the hell I'm going to fill the yawning chasm of my monthly column (yes, it's that time of the month feeling, girls), when my daughter pops up with something mildly amusing about a grapefruit. I can't remember all of it, I blame too much Champagne, but we were all in stitches. Which is handy, as I live so close to the excellent A&E department in Camberwell, which is at least something I have on all you SE22 dwellers.

And I think, 350 words, it's not a lot is it, to distill the essence of my life as a hard working, Champagne drinking, Mum-of-one to the massed proles living the other side of the hill. This week for instance, I woke up with a hangover. In Pontefract. Pontefract! There must be some comedy mileage there. But it appears not. Because the next night I do the same thing in Castleford - with a pounding sore head and two empty minibar miniatures (not Perrier, Puhrrlease!) strewn across the winceyette.

Which reminds me of the time my Father brutally supressed an uprising in Borneo. Which gave those upstarts a thing or two to think about. At least, that is, if you can think with no head on. Blimey, I find it hard enough to think with my head on, let alone being headless and legless, all at the same time.

So there we are, proof, if proof be needed, and I think it is, that it's not all doom and gloom the other side of the dog kennel. Until next time, then. Cheers! And Happy Easter, happy eaters.

[SeanMacGabhann]

I would say genius, but I'm fed up of bigging up the Maxter. That Eclair column could EASILY be real tho'

[Ted Max]

Thaks oyu Sean, that means a lot to me. Wish you could tell my edotir thouhg, as he's just called me somthing and it wanst genius!

Yourmomma, your mens in park thing sounds good. can you tell me any more about it, though. Are these men justn going into the park by tehmseves and tehn carryiny out ritualistic satanic goose abuse? THere's so much fop this thing about that we need it sorted. Perhaps you should get down ther and do some secret filimngn of the sort of thing oyu mean. Make sure noone see syou though. We can run the film on our website, our pubslhers loves the new medai stuff and I need a bonus after annoyting the edotir with my Nanny story.

Hona Cheebee, your story is so long man. My news edotir says you prpbably type in green ink. This is a bit before my tie though, as I use compueters only now. What sdoe he mean?

[HonaloochieB]

Ted Max Wrote:

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> Hona Cheebee, your story is so long man. My news

> edotir says you prpbably type in green ink. This

> is a bit before my tie though, as I use compueters

> only now. What sdoe he mean?

You really shouldn't allow your editor access to the drinks cabinet TM, he's plainly drunk as a judge.

The green ink remark shows he's getting me confused with the head of the John Lewis chain, the fool.

If I was I would have opened a Waitrose in ED long ago. But I beg you not to take this as a suggestion for a campaign.

Yes I realise the story went on a bit, but Kevin was a bit exercised and insisted on recounting the entire incident.

I'm going out in a while and shall keep my eyes peeled and my ear to the ground.

[HonaloochieB]

Well I'm back TM, and though I was out in Brixton for a good while today, nothing happened.

I don't just mean nothing of note, I mean nothing at all. At the time, not having a journalistic eye for these matters I didn't think much of it.

But on reflection it seems a bit rum.

[Ted Max]

Hona Cheebee, that is reall scary. I'm in here on my own doing the night shift and I'm now worrying aobut blakc holes, dark energy, a breakdown in teh concept of linear time and so on. If nothing happens in Brixton, do you tihnkt hat means that something euqal and opposite must be hapening somewhere else? Dalston, maybe?

I'm tryign to work this into a second lead on page 9, becauseo all we have there at eh moment is a file sotry about Mr Fisher retiring form the hardsware store on Eglinton Street. ~I can spike that becos I am night etidor now - although the picture is really nice.

BTW, I'm really sorry about the green ink thing earlier, Dave form features told me what it meant and Iw as really corss. TOny teh news etidor can be a real hard ass sometimes.

Anyawy, look our for the the Brixton "End of Times" story. I'm trying to get some comment from the quantum physics boffins but I can't finds out who their PR rep is, and the Bihsop of Sougthwak is out on the piss, as usual!!11!.

[HonaloochieB]

Ted Max Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Hona Cheebee, that is reall scary. I'm in here on

> my own doing the night shift and I'm now worrying

> aobut blakc holes, dark energy, a breakdown in teh

> concept of linear time and so on. If nothing

> happens in Brixton, do you tihnkt hat means that

> something euqal and opposite must be hapening

> somewhere else? Dalston, maybe?

Dalston is somewhere near Ridley Road Market, unless I'm much mistaken. Much.

Sit in front of a mirror, stroke your imaginary moustache and say the word 'Dalston' 60 times and your Freedom pass flashes before you.

But you mention the concept of linear time, how odd, it's almost as if you knew. I had a few people round for a seance this evening, and who should pop up but my great-grandfather.

We asked for a message and he told us "Linear time? I'll linear time the seat of your pants with the toe of my boot"

I know as a hard-nosed newsman you'll possibly raise an eyebrow, but you could flog it on to Lorraine Kelly for her column.

What with her being a div and all.

[HonaloochieB]

Ted Max Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> BTW, I'm really sorry about the green ink thing

> earlier, Dave form features told me what it meant

> and Iw as really corss. TOny teh news etidor can

> be a real hard ass sometimes.

>

No apology necessary TM. I've been listening to Coldplay, and now it's all yellow.

Which of course renders the 40 reams of 'Canary' paper I bought useless.

It'd be reasonable to think, that a fellow in this circumstance could approach Chris Martin and ask him for a little financial help to offset the expense.

But no. Far too high and mighty to reach down and assist the likes of me.

Ex directory I kept getting told. How out of touch has the man got.

And don't even bother asking about Paltrow.

[HonaloochieB]

Ted Max Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Anyawy, look our for the the Brixton "End of

> Times" story. I'm trying to get some comment from

> the quantum physics boffins but I can't finds out

> who their PR rep is, and the Bihsop of Sougthwak

> is out on the piss, as usual!!11!.

The Bish of South has unfortunately become a byword for unreliability TM. The last time I visited the Cath (edral, that is), the legend 'SOUTHY IS A CNT TRUE' had been spray painted found the nave by rival bishops. I found myself losing confidence and took my exorcism business elsewhere.

As for quantum physics, go for that Heston Blumenthall, he seems to know quite a bit of science and he has lots of time on his hands, what with the waiting for the steaks he's put in the oven for 24 hours to finish and all.

Probably be glad of a bit of work.

I mean it's all bunce ain't it?

[Ted Max]

I've had a chat to Stacey in Features about your Grandada beacuse she also does our horoscopes and I thojught she might be intersted. She ses you have been bothering her over the wires for ages, and showd me a list of local nutters on the wall, and there was a list of aliases which she said woz all you.

Hona Cheebee, Hona Loochie, H O Looch Eeebe, Terry, Kevin, they were al there. Stacey asked me wot was wrong with my top lip and I felt so embarrased I couldn't tell her. IT looks like a cold sore there with all teh moustache rubbing. And today I looked at the Brixtron live webcam in the office and there was loads happening.

I'm gutted. I'm the only won trying to make sothing happen around here and stop all the crime and stuff and yo take advanatage of me like that. ITs my fault I suppose for not chekcing out my sauces. Also, Mr Fisher is gutted becose all his staff bought copies of the paper and there woz nothing in there about him retiring. He's a friend of the Chief Sub too so I'm in trouble witht he back bench as well.

Chris MArtin is a gent by the way, but I wouldn't ecspect a trickster like you to kno about that. Lorraine Kelly ios a ledgend as well and I won't bother her with your nonsense agenn.

PS I'm not falling for that Heston Blumenthal stuff either. Everywon knows that you can't cook a steak in 24 hours.. It takes at least that to defrost. If anywon has some reel news then let me kno and I can rite it up. I can't stand people who abuse forums like this though for their own ends. Makes me mad.

[HonaloochieB]

Ted Ted Ted, you've been got at by 'Stirring' Stacey. You're familiar with the phrase 'Hell hath hath no fury like a woman's corns' well Stacey's been playing with fire and got her fingers well and truly burnt. She couldn't stand the heat so she got out of the kitchen (probably Heston Blumenthal's). I don't wish to go into too much detail, as that of course would be bandying a woman's name, and I have a code in such matters, but suffice to say that Stacey would find it difficult to find a good word for me at the moment. Well actually that's not quite true, some of the words she directed at me were quite good and I'm saving them for the next time my dander is up.

Things were good between me and 'Sweetcheeks', til she saw that thread about people being all in love with me and that and she went garrity.

I tried to tell her that she was just going to have to learn to share me with the rest of the world, but she wouldn't have it and gave me an ultimatum, them or her. I tried to explain about the greater good and everything but she simply refused to see sense, selfish I call it.

Any way the upshot was that I asked her for return of the Mott The Hoople keyring I had given her as a love token, then I got dressed and went home.

I've probably breached the code a little, but I want to put you in the big picture.

The last I saw of her, she was threatening to pull Lulu's hair out, then go round to Tony London Suburb's house and do him over with a brick. Which would make quite a story for you, when you think about it.

As for the aliases TM, two words - tax purposes. I'll say no more.

So you know Chris Martin's agent, send me his number, will you. Lorraine Kelly is a div though, I won't be swayed on that.

As for Heston Blumenthal, I'm afraid your journalistic radar wasn't operating on full beam there.

Look at the initials. Think about it.

This is no way for a journalist to carry on, listening to Stacey and worrying about the Chief Sub, you won't get hard-bitten that way. If I was in the same room as you now I'd be grabbing hold of and roughing you up the way Don Corleone did to Johnny Fontaine in The Godfather. Just for your own good, you understand.

Anyway I'm quite prepared to put your little outburst down to overwork.

Consider yourself forgiven.

[Ted Max]

Were you the bloke Stacye was kisisng atthe Christmas patry hen? I don't htink so, unless oyu are also Jamie from the Post Room. ANd if stacey was kissing Jamie, I don't think she'd be sharing pillow talk with you only a month layter, unless there's somehting you want to tell me about Stacey (like, is she Tracy's mum, or somthing?).

As for Lulu and her obsession with you. HonaLuLu more like. DOn';t think I haven't worked that one out. How's that for jounralistic radar? *Zing*

(BTW, if you are really Heston (as if), can you help me with something. I am trying to make fish fingers in the microwave at work, but should I take them out the bocks first or not? Perhaps oyu can tyr that out in your lab!!)

As for being hard bitten, who said I wanted to be. some of us are happy being locale jounralists, we happen to think that's as important as any other kind of reporting. IT's easier to get taken hostage in SOmalia and get the paper to pay the ransom, and rit ea big so-called story about it, than it is getting a useable quote off the bloke that runs the inflateable slides at the Irish Festival, I reckon.

You're on probation, Hona, with a hi vis vest on and an ankle tab. No more lyes, now. COnsign yourself half=forgiven..

[HonaloochieB]

Let me deal with the fish fingers first TM, as I don't want you getting all fractious with the hunger.

1.Remove the fish fingers from the box.

2.Put tin foil on a plate.

3. Arrange the fingers around the plate in a recreation of Stonehenge.

4. Put the plate carefully in the oven and set the timer for 30 minutes.

4. Watch as the 'arcing' gives a lovely caramelised finish to the project. Remember you eat with your eyes as well as your mouth.

5. Go to Argos and get a new microwave.

Enjoy

'HB'

[HonaloochieB]

FYI I know all about the business with Jamie. Two words TM - FREE STAMPS!

As for the hi-vis vest, that great I'll order one with KLF on the back and send the bill to you.

As for the ankle tab, could we make it wrist one instead, less girly.

I was wondering about your wanting to remain as a small-time local journo, but now all is clear.

What local reporter can afford a Hawiian holiday? A local reporter who's getting 'bunged' of course.

I expect Fisher and the inflatable slide bloke make sure you get a nice 'drink' for mentions in your articles.

Good on you TM, I like to see a man 'wetting his beak', and I find tax-free bunce somehow spends better.

Anyway when you come back, can you bring me a few grass skirts which I will distribute to my admirers.

Make sure ones an XL for Tony London.

[Ted Max]

Now you've gone too far. YOU took over hte bored with your chat about buses and Fearne COtton and socks as if anyone cared and I done my best becaose I beleive in local accoutnability. And now you have accuesed me of being ont he take. Fisher never gabve me anything. I spiked his retirement story remember? And far from slipping me a backhander the inflateable slide bloke sent some lads looking for me when I rote about the dangers of high winds at the FEstical and I had to hyde in the Ladies till they'd gone.

I come on a bored like this looking to publicise the local conversationa and events, and peraps do people a few favours as wel and this is the thanks I get. My mate Tristran works on the Ham & High and they don't get this kind of rubbish on their boreds, I can tel you. He's had invites to the local farmers' market and has become good friends with teh Methodist minister's wife as well.

Good lucj to you so called :"Forumutes" - all the best. It seems you're not intereted in real jounralists and communities after all.

PS If you do have any good stories, though, keep them coming through.

PPS I'm knot going to Hawaie you poop, I was saying you and Lulu are hte same person. Really sad, inventing different persinalities on a tork bored just to make yourseld look good. And just cos TOny's got a gay uncle doesn;t mean he wears skirts. LAters.

[Ted Max]

PPPS You owes me a new microwave as well. Really funny trck that one. I follwoed your instructions as I rad them and by then it wos too late.

[HonaloochieB]

Ted Max Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> PPPS You owes me a new microwave as well. Really

> funny trck that one. I follwoed your instructions

> as I rad them and by then it wos too late.

That's the point Ted, at the Fat F*ck we keep a large number of microwaves and it's all part of the presentation.

The microwave is brought to the table and the lights are all turned off for the maximum effect.

We call it Three Hundred Quid A Pop.

'HB'

[HonaloochieB]

Ted Max Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Now you've gone too far. YOU took over hte bored

> with your chat about buses and Fearne COtton and

> socks as if anyone cared and I done my best

> becaose I beleive in local accoutnability. And now

> you have accuesed me of being ont he take. Fisher

> never gabve me anything. I spiked his retirement

> story remember? And far from slipping me a

> backhander the inflateable slide bloke sent some

> lads looking for me when I rote about the dangers

> of high winds at the FEstical and I had to hyde in

> the Ladies till they'd gone.

>

> I come on a bored like this looking to publicise

> the local conversationa and events, and peraps do

> people a few favours as wel and this is the thanks

> I get. My mate Tristran works on the Ham & High

> and they don't get this kind of rubbish on their

> boreds, I can tel you. He's had invites to the

> local farmers' market and has become good friends

> with teh Methodist minister's wife as well.

>

> Good lucj to you so called :"Forumutes" - all the

> best. It seems you're not intereted in real

> jounralists and communities after all.

>

> PS If you do have any good stories, though, keep

> them coming through.

>

> PPS I'm knot going to Hawaie you poop, I was

> saying you and Lulu are hte same person. Really

> sad, inventing different persinalities on a tork

> bored just to make yourseld look good. And just

> cos TOny's got a gay uncle doesn;t mean he wears

> skirts. LAters.

Alright TM, you're NOT on the take.

No bribes, no backhanders, no bungs, no drinks, no gratuities, no bunce, no little earners, no sweeteners and definitely no beak wetting.

(Jesus, I never knew how hard it was to type while tapping the side of your nose and winking. Seriously, you try it).

Anywway the way I heard it from Stacey, was that Fisher had already greased your palm and was so riled about the story getting spiked he sent his two daughters round to have a 'word' about the matter. They couldn't get there the first day as one of them had detention, but they sent you a note on a Barbie postit demending redress.

As for Slidey Sean, she reckons that was all in your imagination about his blokes being after you, and in fact you had wnadered into the Ladies by mistake after the two pints of Guinness you had went to your head.

Went to sleep on the pan, she reckons.

I reckon you're a bit jealous of your mate Trist, all the farmers he can carry and a Methodist ministers missus to ministrate to him. Sweet.

Aaah, I see now what you were getting at about LuLu, you think we are as one.

Well have you ever seen us in the same room? Well have you? I may be consulting with my people on this matter.

Be warned.

I'll let you know if anything of note occurs.

Chin chin.

[LuLu Too]

Dear Mr Local Hack

I can assure you HB is not me.

Just how narcissistic would that be?

LLT

ps: I heard a rumour that there'll be a flash mob at The Phoenix tonight - that'll make a good story. Check it out!

[HonaloochieB]

LuLu Too Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Dear Mr Local Hack

>

> I can assure you HB is not me.

> Just how narcissistic would that be?

>

> LLT

>

> ps: I heard a rumour that there'll be a flash mob

> at The Phoenix tonight - that'll make a good

> story. Check it out!

Thanks for putting Ted straight on that LuLu. And well done for being in love with me.

I think you might have something there with the narcotics, he acts like a man 'blocked' on 'leapers'. So who knows.

But a 'flash mob' in The Phoenix tonight? I don't think so.

You want to mingle with a proper mob, tonight's our 'mohair suits and knuckleduster rings' night.

Come down to the Bag O' Nails on Kingly Street, tell Sherman on the door you're with 'Heston' and you're in.

I'll be the one in the midnight blue two-piece telling everyone in earshot that they're 'two bob ponces'.

The large Tanquerays are on me.

[LuLu Too]

Oooooh, you are a Rake.

But I'd rather a Hendricks, thanks.

[Ted Max]

The edotir has sed I needed a rest from the news, and said to take it easy and do some sport coverage for a while. This is my report of the fottball last Saturday. So, sportsfans, any sports news, I'm your pesona. It doens't hav to be football, although we only cover football. Hey, mayeb you could put a forum team toegether to play the paper one time. Some of us are quite good though so it's probably not worth ti!!1!

PS IO'm also on the look out for big news as well, so that I can get back on teh beat hat I Love. The newsbeat.

"Hoops surrender unto Ceasars"

Hoops manager Ray May has hailed his team as "gutted" last night, after they went down to a 0-3 loss at a frozen Hill Park against fellow mid-table hopefuls Streatham Caesars.

Starting the match without star striker Jamie Winstone, who was on checkout duty at the local Costcutter, the Hoops lacked a cutting edge despite controlling the midfield. Jamie Theakston was given his first run out since half term, now the school season is over.

A lucky 15 pass move saw the Caesars nudge ahead on the half hour, Hoops 'keeper Jamie Murray stayed big but just couldn't keep a tamely hit strike from Goodonya from squeezing under his body. Fortune continued to favour the brave SW16 outfit after the break, with two more goals from imports Nodramas and Flamingalah. Hoops central defender Jamie James got his head on a corner on the hour mark, but seemed well enough after the match.

May said his team had to bounce back. "We've got a game against the Hillsiders in the preliminary stage of the Southern Windscreenwashers Cup on Tuesday, you're not coming to that as well, are you?" he said the car park.

MORE FOOTBALL NEWS:

? Charlton Atheltic boss Alan Curbew has told reporters that star striker Dave Harris is going nowhere in the transfer window. "We've received no requests and he's going nowhere," Curbew told a big paper that has his phone number.

? Eagles gaffer Neil Warmcock told supporters he is looking for a big effort from local lads Davey Harris and Harry Davis after the winter break. "They're two good lads but they need to learn," he told a press conference we didn't have accreditation for.

? London Towers basketball player Ron Seal is on holiday on compassionate reasons and will miss the Towers' home clash against Sheffield Dunkers.

[Ted Max]

Alaso, I am doing the eating out bit this week as Stacey's mum was ill, she said. Aparently the ad sales guys decide who gets reviewed. I'm not srue wyh.

"Salad leaves us green with envy"

Snuggled in between a local hardware store and an undertakers might not be the obvious place for a vegetarian restaurant on Lordship Lane but we were more than happy to chance our arm on a wet Tuesday night.

A warm welcome ushered away any thoughts of a depressing experience and we were soon ooh-ing and aah-ing over the menu. Beansprouts in a chili tang and Bluegrass Pancakes whisked away any thoughts of the usual veggie fare, and we were soon looking forward to our main courses. Bean curd failed to live up to its rhyming slang and tasted delicious in a Shitake mushroom sauce, whilst my partner's Roast Tuber Roast was rich and warm. Puddings were delicious too and shooed away any thoughts that veggies can't have fun too. We shared a yoghurt and honey layer cake which was absolutely. Our groaning stomachs decided against coffee. I predict a bright start for this neighbourhood newcomer. **** ?? :0)) ???

[HonaloochieB]

I think it's a good idea to take a break from the hurly-burly of the news section TM.

It seemed to be getting on top of you and we don't want you having some sort of Syd Barrett-like breakdown and burning out, like some sort of crazy diamond.

I'm afraid I'm not wery well 'up' on football or indeed sport in general, so I'm afraid I won't be as good a source for stories as I have been recently.

Still I'll keep a weather eye out for any hard news stories while I'm out and about, and obviously anything involving Fearne Cotton on the lash.

Good luck.