Lovely Ladies:A Question re: Your Future Husbands "ex"

[annaj]

Of course she's being unreasonable, she's female!

*dons tin hat, retires to trenches*

Oh dear, quids.

A very poor attempt to get a fight going.

Lazy, obvious and not up to your usual standard at all.

You'll have to do better than that.

[RosieH]

I think annaj summed it up perfectly: wife #2 may be paranoid and there may be no threat whatsoever from wife #1 but ultimately, the wedding day is hers and not wife #1's. She gets to be a princess for the day and if the presence of the other woman puts a dampener on her mood then she's well within her rights to ask for her not to be invited.

One point to note is that men are often oblivious to the subtle bitchiness and powerplays of some women in a group dynamic - there may be very good reason why wife #2 doesn't want her there that her fiance is wholly unaware of.

[SteveT]

He should either move on, or make his mind up who he wants to be with, why should she(2) put up with all his old baggage from a previous life.

It is her day and should be as she(2) wants it to be.

It sounds as if he is insecure, and cannot let go of the past.

Or is he a greedy little bar stud and wants it all his own way, when he should compromise compromise compromise.

[Tony.London Suburbs]

SteveT Wrote:

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> He should either move on, or make his mind up who

> he wants to be with, why should she(2) put up with

> all his old baggage from a previous life.

>

> It is her day and should be as she(2) wants it to

> be.

>

> It sounds as if he is insecure, and cannot let go

> of the past.

>

> Or is he a greedy little bar stud and wants it all

> his own way, when he should compromise compromise

> compromise.

No. No. This is the first response I don't agree with at all.

Firstly all parties know he wants to be with (2).He has no romantic interest in (1) though they parted on as good terms as you can get.They used to occassionally speak on the phone but he lost interest after their Divorce and both moved on to other Partners.

Her Day? Of course,although I feel it is a teensy-weensy bit "his" day,as well.:))

"He" is insecure??...He is just being decent and would not have thought that her coming along would be a problem(maybe naievely)....surely if anyone is "insecure" its Wifey2 over the presence of Wifey1.

Wants it all his own way??...Again,it is his future Wife who is NOT compromising and telling him how it is going to be,not the other way round.How is she compromising??...She says "No!" and its "No!"..Funny old compromise and also the original comment was about TWO scenarios.

Number 1-The Wedding(her day) but Number 2 was one of many mutual friends built up of over 10 years of his original marriage inviting various couples for a meal/drink.She is not compromising at all on this even though she is only one of many invited parties.

So,particularly,Scenario 2 when its not her special day means that(if she has her way) that he'll never socially see Wifey1 again,unless he goes to future "Couples" functions on his own!

[bigbadwolf]

In my opinion I think that wife number 2 is perfectly correct in not wanting the ex wife there, keep her out of it. On the other hand it would make a tense yet exciting atmosphere on the day and you could cut the tension let alone the cake when the vicar asks "is there anyone in attendance who objects to the union of this couple", Youtube shit!!!

[indiepanda]

I think it's one thing having ex boyfriends / girlfriends / flings at your wedding, it's another thing entirely having the ex wife / husband.

I don't think I would want a reminder on my wedding day that my new spouse had already stood up and made the same vows to someone else sat a few rows back watching us. Kind of makes a mockery of the whole "till death do us part..." thing.

But I guess it would depend how recent the divorce was / circumstances around it / whether I actually liked the ex etc....

[ChavWivaLawDegree]

What I can't get over is that wife 1 thinks she has a right to go to the wedding of wife 2 and got upset when wife 2 didn't want her there!

How arrogant is that?

[Tony.London Suburbs]

ChavWivaLawDegree Wrote:

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> What I can't get over is that wife 1 thinks she

> has a right to go to the wedding of wife 2 and got

> upset when wife 2 didn't want her there!

>

> How arrogant is that?

Hi! CWLD.

I'm sure you're right but kindly expand, as then I will explain the psychology of this view to my M8 from a Female perpective.

Cheers.

[Tony.London Suburbs]

Also to everyone.

More answers/views as to the second scenario when they were 2 of several couples(original wife/current partner and M8/future wife)invited to a general meal/drinks by a mutual friend of my M8 and his first wife and wife number 2 says she will not go if Wifey1 is present as she does want to get over-friendly with her....which means he goes alone(won't happen he told me) or he and wifey2 don't go.As he was married for 10 years(up to 3 years ago) with Numero Uno then they have many mutual friends so this scenario is likely to be repeated in future and,obviously,the future wife will continue to maintain her stance.He is worried(3 months in advance of the Wedding) of the implications for their future relationship/decision making process as he prides himself on being very fair.

[Huguenot]

HA!

I'd have been in all sorts of trouble at my own wedding ;-)

Still, I never shagged my best man...

[KalamityKel]

How old are these silly women? 12?

Sheesh I've heard interesting squabbles from teenagers on a number 12 bus!

Pah... if the wife to be don't want the ex wife to be at her wedding then let it be. AND if the wife to be continues being really difficult about it all is she really the person your friend wants to marry?

[indiepanda]

The thing I find odd is that it sounds like he has only just discovered 3 months before the wedding that the new wife won't socialize with the old.

Has he not tried to socialize with them both in the past - and if not, why not? Or was the wife to be ok about it until he tried to invite the ex to the wedding?

Am curious to know how long he has been with the wife to be. I am assuming it can't be that long if he has only been divorced 3 years, although I suppose I am working on the assumption she wasn't his reason for the first divorce (possibly not unreasonably since he is still friends with the first wife).

[KalamityKel]

oooo could be asking for a tin opener there indie!

Shall I get a spoon?

[Sonners]

It may be that wife2 was fine with couples dinners prior to the wedding invite situation (although I am sure that TLS will expand) and will be fine after the wedding but is now not wanting to go to such a dinner at the moment because of the wedding invite brouhaha.

I think it's entirely reasonable that she doesn't want wife1 at her wedding, I wouldn't have wanted an ex-wife at my wedding as who wants a reminder that their chap has done it all before with someone else etc, as indiepanda says. But equally, I would be fine having dinner with my husband's ex if he were still good friends with them and it was all long ago.

[Tony.London Suburbs]

Hi!

indiepanda Wrote:

Has he not tried to socialize with them both in the past - and if not, why not? Or was the wife to be ok about it until he tried to invite the ex to the wedding?

They have met a few times(I think) and she has been polite.No reason not to as they are both really nice people.

> Am curious to know how long he has been with the

> wife to be. I am assuming it can't be that long if

> he has only been divorced 3 years, although I

> suppose I am working on the assumption she wasn't

> his reason for the first divorce (possibly not

> unreasonably since he is still friends with the

> first wife).

Second Lady? Around 2 years.

Had nothing whatsoever to do with first marriage break-up.

He never knew her.

[RosieH]

Yes, TLS, I'm inclined to think that as the dinner party situation has only just arisen, is as was posted early on, a fallout from the wedding situation.

I really really do think that on this your friend needs to give his fiancee her way over the wedding. You talk about fair, but how fair is it that on the so-called happiest day of her life, he feels ok about making her uncomfortable and unhappy in having his ex there? Of course you're on his side, you're his friend, but in asking where's the compromise on her part, answer where's the compromise on his?

Let's face it, we all know that our partners have a romantic and sexual past, but mostly we prefer to push that slightly uncomfortable fact to the back of our minds. But when you're getting married, you don't want the woman your beloved loved so much that he married her first sitting on the groom's side.

The resolution for the dinner party situation can come after they're married, but in showing no flexibility on the wedding, he's pushing his bride to be into a corner where the only way she can exert her power is by not going to the dinner party.

[jumpinjackflash]

Wife #2 clearly has insecurity issues. So what if the groom-to-be is still friends with his ex and wants to attend the wedding? They?ve both moved on and it seems that her new fella has no issue with her being friendly with her ex. She needs to get a grip. However it is her day but she should at least just try and go out for the couples drinks first - she may even get to like her?

[Tony.London Suburbs]

Sonners Wrote:

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> It may be that wife2 was fine with couples dinners

> prior to the wedding invite situation (although I

> am sure that TLS will expand) and will be fine

> after the wedding but is now not wanting to go to

> such a dinner at the moment because of the wedding

> invite brouhaha.

THERE'S THE ANSWER imo!!...I should have thought of that as now you mention it,its obvious Sonners!

No Woman(in particular) likes to feel uncomfortable socially or at work and come to think of it many Women I have known would always choose to avoid any potential awkward situation by being absent,or literally even resigning from work.

Also you said

"I think it's entirely reasonable that she doesn't want wife1 at her wedding, I wouldn't have wanted an ex-wife at my wedding as who wants a reminder that their chap has done it all before with someone else etc, as indiepanda says"

Indiepanda and you make complete sense about the reminder aspect,as well!

Sonners..I have to say you know your stuff!

What are you,a bleedin' Counsellor?:)

Also,as you again(!) :))and Indiepanda said

[Tony.London Suburbs]

RosieH Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Yes, TLS, I'm inclined to think that as the dinner

> party situation has only just arisen, is as was

> posted early on, a fallout from the wedding

> situation.

>

> I really really do think that on this your friend

> needs to give his fiancee her way over the

> wedding. You talk about fair, but how fair is it

> that on the so-called happiest day of her life, he

> feels ok about making her uncomfortable and

> unhappy in having his ex there? Of course you're

> on his side, you're his friend, but in asking

> where's the compromise on her part, answer where's

> the compromise on his?

>

> Let's face it, we all know that our partners have

> a romantic and sexual past, but mostly we prefer

> to push that slightly uncomfortable fact to the

> back of our minds. But when you're getting

> married, you don't want the woman your beloved

> loved so much that he married her first sitting on

> the groom's side.

>

> The resolution for the dinner party situation can

> come after they're married, but in showing no

> flexibility on the wedding, he's pushing his bride

> to be into a corner where the only way she can

> exert her power is by not going to the dinner

> party.

Very true RosieH !

Good points I must say but he has told his Former Wife that she is not coming and has accepted that himself.

Its now she has brought the absence from a random meal/drinks do that has got him irritated,and worried about if this is a character trait that will continue but it will probably be OK in the future after the marriage.

[Keef]

I'm still really good mates with loads of my friends that I made between the ages of 4 and 18 (one of them was my best man) both lads and lasses, and we've all been attending each other's wedding for nigh on 20 years now.

If the nobody-you've-shagged-rule had been applied they'd have all been about half as full.

You small town kids, bless.

[Strawbs]

I am totally in the camp of no exes.. I think its odd that wife 1 wants to even come to the wedding, whilst I respect that W1 and soon to be hubby are still mates its just all a little wierd and how disrespectful to W2!! W2 needs to stand her ground on that one for sure..

As for the party I would have done exactly what W2 did and not gone whether it is viewed as right or wrong, exes are exes for a reason and I as much as I completely get my better half has had a past, as far as I am concerned if the two of them have had sex I dont want to be in that company and dont particularly want the visual images that goes with that whilst I am trying to have a good time!

[PeckhamRose]

Really enjoying this thread. Hope that's not an insensitive thing to say. As I said earlier I am sorry that feelings are being hurt. But I am enjoying reading people's extreme or not so extreme (I think mine was extreme) reactions. Truly a forum contains all of human life where we can say things we can't always say in a pub type social situation!

[mockney piers]

You small town kids, bless

Why the hell do you think I got out as fast as I could?

Hang around in a town of 50,000?!?!

I see the ones left behind, discussing the foibles of life in their small environment like chronic curtain twitchers, hanging around a small core of pubs, caring about the frequency of service to King's Cross and the lack of PCSOs on Eastcheap, the deforestation of Kennedy Gardens and the strange exotic black squirrels to be found in the parks....

oh...

dear...

god...

what have I done?!?!?!

[Keef]

Don't see what the problem is. Surely there is no greater message to your ex that it's over between you than to actually marry someone else in front of them. And surely new wife would love the bragging rights!

Oh, and thanks LadyGooner for pointing out that I'd originally posted this on a totally different thread!

[indiepanda]

Not sure I agree, if you really are over your ex I don't see that you'd need to prove it to them by marrying someone else in front of them - if you still have something to prove that smacks of unfinished business to me.

And the idea of a weddng giving me "bragging rights" over another woman leaves me cold - cheapens the whole thing - hardly romantic. I would want my wedding to be about making a public committment to my husband, not sticking two fingers up at their ex wife. (I realize you didn't go THAT far in what you said Keef, am over dramaticizing a little for effect!)