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[EatLessBread]

Thank you for your response to this thread.

Unfortunately the post has been abused and has had to be pulled down.

[Otta]

Of everything you wrote there, calling you thick is the thing that would really get me, he sounds like a complete and utter cunt!

I wouldn't worry about his threats to do you over in court, you're the mother and you have a house to which he has no legal claim. Plus he clearly has previous. I can't imagine any court giving a child under 1 to him rather than you.

[srisky]

Have pm'd you.

[sanity girl]

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. He is subjecting you to emotional abuse. As a start I would contact Women's Aid or Refuge for advice.

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic_violence_topic.asp?section=0001000100220042

[Saffron]

So sorry you're in this situation ELB. I second sanity girl's advice to contact a Women's Aid group. It sounds like your partner might have some unresolved personal issues or even depression. Depression in men is very under-recognised and often presents as anger. Also, what do your family say? Would they be supportive of a move? xx

[BellendenBear]

Try Solace women's Aid, they have a very active Southwark branch. They can provide advice, advocacy, support.

[buggie]

As well as contacting SS, I'd try to contact your HV/go to baby clinic aaas they should be able to signpost you to services locally & support you.

He might not be physically violent, but you are being emotionally abused & need help to get you out of this situation (& away from the area could be helpful as breathing space).

Given what you say about his management of his older kids & disregard of the court order regarding access to them (?get the ex to keep note of when their back late so have evidence) & baby T's age, I'm unsure how he thinks he'd get custody.

I agree that he may have depression or other things going on. I wonder if his comments to you & regarding taking baby T away are actually how he feels himself/what he's afraid you'll do, but, this isn't releasing to stay put with him at the moment, if he is ill, you becoming I'll/emotionally exhausted won't help.

Think everyone's relationships come under pressure with the arrival of a baby (my 2nd is same age as baby T & have definitely found keeping things balanced hard) but what your experimenting sounds far beyond this & I hope your able to get the RL support you need v soon.

[Flatforsale]

So sorry to read that you are going through this, it must be heart breaking. He sounds very abusive and I think he is taking advantage of you - to him you are probably the means to having a roof over his head and I suspect that he will try very, very hard to keep a foothold on your house.

If I were in your shoes, I think what I would do is change the locks while he is out, pack a bag for him and leave it a friend/relative where he can access it, and take myself and my daughter to a safe place (my parents or a friend). The reason of changing the locks is because if you leave the house go to your parents it would not seem unlikely that out of spite he would change the locks himself and although the house is yours it would put you in a very stressful situation until it gets resolved.

Have you contacted the citizens advice bureau? They might be able to tell you free of charge how you can legally get him to leave your house (I don't know if you change the locks if that would be enough to keep him out permanently or if he would still have any rights)

[bluesuperted]

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. Agree agree agree with all the support above, really good tips... He is definitely emotionally abusing you and that is as damaging as physical abuse. Here is a link on the Refuge site, makes for hard reading but points to the fact that you need to access help and support in getting you out of this damaging relationship. They have a free phone helpline on the homepage.

http://refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/help-for-women/recognising-abuse/

Good luck and keep reaching out until you get heard xx

[Saffron]

buggie Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> As well as contacting SS, I'd try to contact your

> HV/go to baby clinic aaas they should be able to

> signpost you to services locally & support you.

>

Agree 100% with everything buggie wrote. And in particular, going to your HV will yield concrete documentation that there is a problem and you are taking appropriate steps to improve the situation. Documentation is very important should your case come to court. xx

[Otta]

Agree with flatforsale, don't give him any opportunity to take "custody" of the house. Whilst the law woukd be on your side, it could be a real pain getting gim out again.

[simonethebeaver]

What a horrible situation. My heart goes out to you. I assume when you say you're not entitled to legal aid, you mean on income grounds? Legal aid is still available to victims of domestic violence, and I would think you would qualify on that basis.

You may not feel able to do this, as I imagine posting this took a lot out of you, but the legal boards on Mumsnet have some real experts posting who I have seen handhold people through their options in very difficult situations. There's so much going on here that it might be helpful to see if someone can break it down for you.

I also endorse contacting Women's Aid or Refuge. There are solicitors who will offer free 30 minute consultations too, who might be able to help you understand your options. You do need to be careful in what you do as it sounds from previous form as if your partner is ready to use the courts, and the law can be frustratingly not on the side of what feels 'right' - knowing where you stand legally would be very helpful for you.

[curlykaren]

Have sent you PM.

Website, Gingerbread, have an advice line, 0808 802 0925

[enjoy]

This sounds horrible!

I hope you'll find a quick and secure way out of this unhealthy relationship.

Maybe you'll find advise here too:

http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/

Best of luck for you and your baby!

[shaunag]

I'm sorry you are going through this. Life is hard enough with a young baby without having to deal with what you are dealing with on top. Agree with above suggestions re agencies you may get support from. On a related note I know you have said you won't talk to your parents, but maybe reconsider, or if not do you have any other family members you can turn to for support? Your parents might surprise you, I imagine they would hate to learn you have been through this without their support. I don't want to upset you by suggesting this,I just think you could do with all of the support you can get right now and until you have managed to get your life back to where you want it to be...

[Renata Hamvas]

Hi Eatlessbread,

I'm really sorry to hear that you are going through such a difficult time.

To speak confidentially to a member of the Southwark Solace team, please contact them on 020 7593 1290 or email [email protected] .

Renata

[oimissus]

the house is yours AND is the baby's home, those 2 things will stand you in very good stead (as I understand it, even if the house was his, if it's the family home you are in a strong position to stay). But, as it is, I would pack his bag and change the locks. Can you stay with your parents for a while? Do you work, do you have money of your own?

I'm not an expert but his threats sound like a load of hot air. I think you can insist on supervised access if you have grounds to believe he will not care for her properly. Speak to a solicitor and Women's Aid.

I'm so sorry to hear your story, but absolutely well done for seeing the situation for what it is and starting to plan a new life for yourself and your baby.

[Pugwash]

Support all the suggestions above - emotional abuse . I am surprised that he claims the child benefit as this traditionally goes to the woman. Do you know whether he listed you as the mother on the CB application forms. Is he using the money for his gambling? If you are not seeing any of the money you may wish to contact the CH office direct

[oimissus]

yes, I wondered that about the CB, I thought one of the points of it was that it ensured that the mother had some money for the children, even if she didn't work. Which suggests he's claiming in some kind of fraudulent way - might be worth getting in touch with the child benefit people and getting it transferred into your own account.

[srisky]

The child benefit for my daughter was in my husband's name, purely because he knew his NI number at the time of registration. So either parent can claim but no sure if the rule is different if you are not married.

ETA: I don't remember there being section for the other parent's name or for stating whether you were the mother and father (I could be wrong as newborn days are a blur). I presume you just have to be named on the birth cert?

[uncleglen]

My sister was in a mentally abusive relationship with her 5 year old child. She was living with the boyfriend in his house and she contributed to the household bills for which she had kept receipts. When she could no longer stand being belittled all the time and her daughter being treated badly, she left and she claimed a settlement for her contribution. She got ?10,000. Be prepared for this but do not leave the home because it could take a long time and a lot of aggro regaining it. You definitely need to seek help from the citizen's advice bureau asap

[2nd time mummy]

Child benefit is granted to the parent that lives with the child, if you live together it should not matter who gets it (assuming that the money is used correctly) but if you separate then the parent that the child lives with should have it.

ELB - It is a lot to take in and consider at times like that. I do strongly advise you to keep record of all the changes you making, so you can see you are actively changing things for better (and also it helps you no to loose track of things)

Best of luck!

[Saffron]

uncleglen Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> My sister was in a mentally abusive relationship

> with her 5 year old child. She was living with the

> boyfriend in his house and she contributed to the

> household bills for which she had kept receipts.

> When she could no longer stand being belittled all

> the time and her daughter being treated badly, she

> left and she claimed a settlement for her

> contribution. She got ?10,000. Be prepared for

> this but do not leave the home because it could

> take a long time and a lot of aggro regaining it.

> You definitely need to seek help from the

> citizen's advice bureau asap

ELB owns the house. The baby's father does not. How does she risk losing the house?

She does not mention being married (so, no divorce settlement to consider). Nor does she mention supporting him financially (so, no alimony to pay even on a common law marriage).

I would have thought that legally she could put him out, change the locks, and put the house up for sale without his permission. Or have I missed some legal quirk?

If he's saying that he'd have to live in his car/hotel if she put him out, then he doesn't have money to mount a serious legal challenge. And if he did have money, would he spend it on a legal challenge or his gambling habit? I'm guessing the later, that's the nature of addiction.

He sounds like a troubled person, but obviously he's your baby's father. If you want him to have a chance of getting better, then something has to change.

Move out and move as far away as possible. The more difficult it is for him to pursue you, the more expensive it will be for him too.

The sooner you make a decision, the sooner things can start to change for the better. If you stay where you are and do nothing, nothing will change.

[Otta]

Saffron Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> ELB owns the house. The baby's father does not.

> How does she risk losing the house?

She doesn't risk losing it in the loooooong term, but if she leaves and he's in situ it will be a total pain in the arse moving him out.

[Saffron]

Hence the posts suggesting leave and change the locks, no?