Madonna And Me - Advice Required

[HonaloochieB]

It seems that it's all over for the Ritchies. At last they're parting brass rags.

The time has come for me to make my move.

I find Madonna rather to my taste, she's kept herself well over the years and I think she is comely.

Furthermore the gap in her teeth puts me in mind of the late comedian Terry Thomas, who was always a favourite of mine and whose wooing techniques I have based my own on.

I intend to plight my troth, vigourously while she is on the rebound, support her through the divorce and all that, and confidently see myself webbed up in her Wiltshire mansion by the end of the current tax year. Tops.

I know that Madonna likes the creative type so I've decided to change jobs and become a film director.

I can read, tell people where to stand and have access to a megaphone, so I'm halfway there already.

By the way kindly take this as a formal staking of claim, I don't want any other EDFers muscling in on my chick and queering my pitch.

Seriously don't mess with me, at the moment I'm merely peckish, but you wouldn't like me when I'm hungry.

Please don't for a second think that I'm being unrealistic in my plans, of course I can foresee difficulties ahead and am realistic about our differences and the potential for conflict.

I realise, for example, that there will be a big gap in our incomes, especially until my film career takes off properly, so to that end I will only be buying one round in thirty six when we visit our pub in Mayfair.

Also I will be issuing IOUs for my half of the weekly big shop until I get my first big project (working title Biggles Flies Undone, if there any backers who may be interested) off the ground.

However I am worried that this reliance on my Madonna's money may have a deleterious effect on my pysche, and of course as we know that this sort of thing can lead to to a chap having trouble 'downstairs', if you catch my drift. This would of course be disastrous in a burgeoning relationship, so I must find a method of subtly asserting myself.

To this end I have decided to bestow upon my beloved pet names.

For general use it will be 'Maddy'

As in "Maddy, please ask Lordes and her friends not to play so boisterously in the garden, the peacocks are quite beside themselves with the noise of it all"

Or as it might be a note left next to the 'phone, 'Maddie Kate M called. She's thinking of getting back with that junkie burglar. Give her a call. Hxxx.'

In the boudoir I shall employ the sobriquet 'Sugartits'

Obviously not straight away. I shall wait until our fourth bout of intimacy.

However my intended is a modern girl and proud as a camel and will probably cavil at these endearments.

But my will is unbending in this matter, I will be unswerving on 'Maddy' and firm on 'Sugartits'

I foresee some friction between us, so what would EDFers advise as the best course of action?

I need to make it clear to 'Maddy' (as I now think of her) that it's in her own best interests to compromise on this matter and any suggestions for counter arguments or even distraction tips will be gratefully received.

Remember I will be involved with a very wealthy woman, any help and you'll not find me ungenerous.

Thanks.

[Peckhamgatecrasher]

Can't help thinking this will all go tits up, HB.

[bon3yard]

I think you might have a clear run at this HB. Not to my tastes though, she seems to have developed the same musculature as Bruce Lee in recent years. Not so much Material Girl as Gerty Gristle. Still, whatever flerts yer bert as Tellys Mark Lawrenson would no doubt say if pressed on the subject. Get in their son.

[bon3yard]

...and while we're at it, if she'd wanted to marry a succesful director she could have done a sight worse than hubby No1 the taciturn furtwangler Sean Penn.

[HonaloochieB]

I have to take some issue with your description of my intended Bon3Yard, but you raise an excellent point in your latter post and one I hadn't considered.

So far there have been two film directors in her life, Sean Penn for some reason had slipped my mind. I will have to differentiate myself from them.

Perhaps I won't punch photographers and I shall aim to make more than two decent films.

Food for thought. Thanks.

[bon3yard]

I do what I can and meant no offence Sir. :-$

[HonaloochieB]

HonaloochieB Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Please don't for a second think that I'm being

> unrealistic in my plans, of course I can foresee

> difficulties ahead and am realistic about our

> differences and the potential for conflict.

My head is in my hands. I beseech you all not to let on to Madonna about the tautology.

It was a one time thing, I swear.

[bon3yard]

Foresooth, foreskin, forebear..erm, fore wheel drive.

[Jah Lush]

Oh dear oh dear oh dear. Are you sure you're doing the right thing old stick? As bon3yard has quite rightly pointed out she has a musculature like Bruce Lee and you yourself have noticed the similarities in her teeth to Terry Thomas. What I'm trying to tell you and I don't want you to take this wrong way and I'm trying to break this to you as gently as I can but I feel you should know that Madonna has been masquarading as woman for the last 25 years or so. In short, she is a man. A man called Malcolm. A very convincing transvestite that has had most of the world apart from a few of us that are in the know. She has a cock and quite an impressive one so I'm told. Believe me it took an awful lot of harnessing into that Jean Paul Gaultier basque. I'm so sorry to break it to you like this but I just thought you should know.

[Michael Palaeologus]

Ladies dont like beer. Makes them giddy. Malcolm likes Timothy Taylor.

Open and shut.

[bon3yard]

I admire your candid disclosure Jah, but dont think a public forum was really the appropriate place to disabuse HB of his illusions. Some would call it cruel. I wouldnt...I'd call it callous.

[Jah Lush]

I thought it for the best. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. I'm sure he'll thank me for it in the long run. It'll save on a lot of hurt, pain and disappointment. It's what friends are for.

[bon3yard]

Word.

[????]

I have resolutely pursued Kylie for over 10 years now by studiously avoiding her (to the extent of not meeting her) not sending her anything ....not a gift, lock of hair, card, telegram or text....making her blissfully unaware of my existence and marrying someone else and having 2 kids with them; so I have to say this particular technique has failed and is not to be recommended. Hope that is helpfull.

[bon3yard]

Treat 'em mean eh? I've been persuing the same tactics with Jolie...who needs Alpha Male when you can have Alphabetti Spaghetti and Toejam.

[HonaloochieB]

Jah Lush Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Oh dear oh dear oh dear. Are you sure you're doing

> the right thing old stick? As bon3yard has quite

> rightly pointed out she has a musculature like

> Bruce Lee and you yourself have noticed the

> similarities in her teeth to Terry Thomas. What

> I'm trying to tell you and I don't want you to

> take this wrong way and I'm trying to break this

> to you as gently as I can but I feel you should

> know that Madonna has been masquarading as woman

> for the last 25 years or so. In short, she is a

> man. A man called Malcolm. A very convincing

> transvestite that has had most of the world apart

> from a few of us that are in the know. She has a

> cock and quite an impressive one so I'm told.

> Believe me it took an awful lot of harnessing into

> that Jean Paul Gaultier basque. I'm so sorry to

> break it to you like this but I just thought you

> should know.

JL, I refer you to the last line of Some Like It Hot.

[Jah Lush]

I hope you'll be very happy then. But don't say I didn't warn you.

[bon3yard]

Some people just wont be told Jah...shame about Arsenal.

[HonaloochieB]

Though now I consider it, I reckon JL may be after my lass.

OF COURSE! He's mad for Madonna himself and is attempting to mess with my mind.

He's using pyschology. The 'woman you fancy is in fact a bloke and has a big dick' ploy.

Oldest trick in the book.

Can't blame him for trying, of course. He's only human, after all.

[bon3yard]

Now you come to mention it he has expressed an interest in copping off with a humourless scarecrow for a while now, apparently hes done the sexy, curvy and well adjusted femme to death. Just as well your on the ball HB. Now make like Shane and head the bugger off at the pass.

[HonaloochieB]

bon3yard Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Now you come to mention it he has expressed an

> interest in copping off with a humourless

> scarecrow for a while now, apparently hes done the

> sexy, curvy and well adjusted femme to death. Just

> as well your on the ball HB. Now make like Shane

> and head the bugger off at the pass.

Glad you see it my my way Bon3Yard.

Though I thought you were a touch indiscrete about the 'doing someone to death' business.

I'm not personally acquainted with JL, but I'm confident he has no Ted Bundy tendencies.

Seriously, he seems as nice a chap as one might meet of a May morning.

Just like anyone you might meet. Really.

[bon3yard]

Was Ted Bundy the bloke in those sickly Gold Blend adverts in the 90s?

[HonaloochieB]

bon3yard Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Was Ted Bundy the bloke in those sickly Gold Blend

> adverts in the 90s?

Why bless you no, Bon3Yard, that was him off of that American witch programme, and her off something else.

Glad though that you picked up that it looked as though he was intent on murdering her, as oppossed to the shagging situation the advertising company were implying.

What did they know?

[bon3yard]

The Police have been known to seek advice from yours truly at a pinch. Jeffrey Dahmer, that was one of mine.

[Jah Lush]

I feel insulted. You bastards! You try to help people and they shove it right back in your face. I honestly don't know why I bother. Grrr! I wouldn't touch Malcolm with yours.