going back to full-time work - family life

[SE22mum]

I'm soon going to be returning to full time 9-5 after being self-employed for a long time....and I'm just wondering if there are any suggestions from those who have done this on how to manage the transition for the whole of the family? My husband is self-employed so outside school hours he can be with the kids...but I am still worried about how they are going to take it! Particularly my youngest girl, aged 4, who is currently going through a difficult "angry stage".

I know I have made the right decision as economic worries were tearing us apart....but I am still very nervous! Are there any tips on how to make evenings calm and "special time", rather than "fighting for mum's attention" time...

[supergolden88]

I wish I could say it is easy... but it's not. I think you will find a balance and if your husband is able to do pick ups/drop offs then that's a lot of pressure off you.

My advise would be to work four days a week if you can - maybe 1 day working from home. I find the balance is much better that way - working 5 days a week was completely exhausting for me. Not only did I not spend time with the kids, the house was in complete chaos!

[womanofdulwich]

I would get a cleaner asap so that you have "quality time" when you get home.

Set up on line deliveries etc.

Good luck- its a good role model for your children to see their mums working, especially girls.

[SE22mum]

well, I'm lucky in that my husband does all the cleaning and also the school drop-offs and pick-ups. In exchange, I do the early morning rising and the bulk of the cooking, which I enjoy.

I am looking forward to having more quality time at the weekend, rather than having to work, and also time with my husband in the evening, rather than having to work. but, still, it leaves only a few precious hours in the evening from when I get home to when my children go to bed....my main worry is about having to be really up and cheerful for these hours even when knackered....

[standswithfist]

im finding it a bit of a nightmare but then i'm out the house 12 hours a day 5 days a week. its a necessity unfortunately. The other half is being outstanding in that he does the school and nursery drop off and pick ups (i have a 5 year old girl and 8 month old baby). And we have 2 babysitters for 3 days a week (other half works his shifts towards end of week and works nights). food is best done online although not always possible. they have been my worst weekends. this weekend just gone my DD has been sick so unable to leave the house but also unable to do the ironing/cleaning - it will take time to get into a routine (thats said to myself aswell as you!).

[katgod]

build in decompression time if you can. the walk from the bus stop etc to clear your head, get cheerful and dump your work stuff. I find the worst eveningas are the ones where i TRY TO DO BLACKBERRY AND BATHTIME AT THE SAME TIME. oF COURSE TO MANY READING That will seem obvious.BUT WHEN YOU ARE STRESSED IT SEEMS LIKE A GOOD IDEA. So just accept that 6.30 - 8.30 WILL BE BED AND BATH AND DINNER OR WHATEVER IT IS YOU NEED TO DO, AND IF NECESSARY PICK UP WORK STUFF LATER, RATHER THAN TRY TO DO BOTH. Even a sneaky PEEK AT BLACKBERRY gets SPOTTED, THEN THEY KNOW YOU ARE NOT concentrating and it can easily unravel.

Ocado is your friend. It take a while to get in the routine but is saves so much tooime and effort.

I also highly rate J&B Impress ironing service. They collect from the house and deliver back the next day. Not all our ironing goes there, but the big nasty stuff does.

Apologies for random caps.

You are doing what lots of families do - albeit the other way round - one person full time, one person parttime/shift/work at home etc. Don't try to do everything.

[standswithfist]

I'm going to try J & B impress. I'm so OVER ironing!!! I've been getting up at 5am/530am to fit that in!!!

[northdulmum]

My take is it only seems to work when you have a nice boss/employer.

Without that level of support and understanding, it would be too tough (for me anyway)

Then get a home help to do cleaning, ironing, supermarket delivery etc

Get sleep working

Without sleep you'll go mad

[nunheadmum]

I totally second Katgod about trying to make sure that your different times are separate as much as you can - multitasking is the road to meltdown, for everyone. You'll also enjoy your time with the kids more. But equally, don't feel that if they're there, you need to be with them 100% of the time. Teach them that sometimes you need to do other things and if you say, give me 5 or 10 mins, you need a clear bit of time but you will return to them after that time.

Also, if your husband is doing the after school pick-ups etc, be prepared to let him carry on doing that when you get in. I'm the same situation 3 nights a week and it's really easy to sweep in and try to take over. Work out what he likes doing / what you like doing and try to find a combination that makes the best of it. It might be hard giving up a little bit of control or seeing the kids run to daddy first when they fall over etc. But try not to fret about that. Find your own ways to spend little bits of quality time doing things that Daddy maybe hasn't had time to do.

I think having someone working from home does make things a lot easier for the kids and for you. But feeling that you're maybe not the automatic go-to person for the kids can be hard. And accepting that your husband may develop different ways to yours can be hard too. It's not always easy to stop myself stepping in but I don't think the kids are really any worse off for it. And I do feel much more fortunate than families where both parents are working full time and juggling kids - so I try and focus on the good points!

[Mellors]

We both work full time (although I do 5 in 4), and have found the following, as discussed above:

- you must get Ocado if poss - order up to the night before for next day delivery in a one hour slot. I have a monthly pass for about ?5.99? They also sell birthday cards, wrap, presents and some John Lewis stuff. And you can shove a repeat shop in and just get that send if you only have 2 mins to do the order.

- ditto Amazon prime - next day delivery even on a Sunday for last minute forgotten birthday presents

- cleaner (I don't iron - jersey wrap dresses for me, shirts to ironer at work for him). No way I am spending my precious spare time cleaning - thats why I work, to pay somebody else to do it.

- try and build in decompression time after work/before kids (I cycle work and back or try and nip in for a very quick swim). Takes my mind out of work and into relax mode.

- no Blackberrying/IPadding when kids are up after work or at weekends (if you need to do it I wait until after they've gone to bed, although mostly I try not to do it at all).

- make some time for yourself/couple time for you and husband. Easier said than done, but I think you go a bit mad if you life is only work/home/kids with no other fun (or maybe thats just me?!)

- communicate - talk to the kids about what you do all day, and talk to your husband about his day as well as yours.

- plan activities - I book fun stuff in for the weekends and put it on a massive wall calendar, otherwise we'd be too knackered to every take the kids out. I find it easier to do it if I have it in mind already.

I appreciate not everyone can do this, even if workintg, but its what makes my life tolerable. Good luck, and remember nothing is permanent, so if you try it and its shit you can always change back!

[Yak]

What Mellors said. And if you can work one day a week from home that can help. I find the hardest time is when you are knackered and don't feel like making the effort because you've had one of those days at work. But I find even with my little one explaining that I did a lot of talking / working / writing and had a really busy day he then opens up much more with what he's been up to than if I just bombarded him with questions about what he has been up to.

Also one night a week a special evening treat- either a short film night with you all cuddled up on the sofa, or a trip out maybe for a hot choc?

Time for you too - I run for headspace, but whatever gives you time to regroup and reenergise is worth booking in as an important thing.

And pick your battles, don't sweat the small stuff!

[SE22mum]

Thank you for all your wise words....especially that if it doesn't work out then nothing has to be forever!

i think the main thing for me is making sure i am in a good mood when i step through the door. will have to plan something on way home to be able to wind down, so that i can deal with the assault on my attentions when i get in. my youngest has a habit of kicking off when i turn up, even though she is apparently a little angel for everyone else (sigh)... am trying to think of things that will allow me to wind down apart from wine.... but i know the one thing guaranteed to annoy my other half is when i arrive in a bad mood!

[SR]

Good Luck with the transition. I am a great believer in starting as you mean to continue. Do not stay late at work, let it be known you have a train you catch at x time, don't negotiate. I find that once you have "set your stall out" people know your limits and accept and work with them. I stay late as and when required so I can be relied on, but I don't set up meetings too late in the day, it's only the odd occasion I stay late - if it's a necessity not a regular thing.

I enjoy getting home, daughter is happy to see me (more so than anyone else has ever been!) so bad work moods aren't worth holding onto. Hope your daughter's moody phase passes fast!

Agree with everyone else - cleaner, food processor, online shopping, making big batches and freezing, anything to make things easier. Even if your husband is doing all the cleaning now getting a cleaner might ease things up for him and give you more time as a couple.

You mention that you don't want kids fighting for your attention. I don't have the please of more than one ( although number 2 is due). Perhaps putting the youngest down before the older ones so that you have individual time with each? Or spending one on one time at the weekends so that family time together during the week isn't an issue. Don't feel guilty this is the way it is for many families and they don't fall apart.

Good luck, hope you enjoy the job.