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Darling Mr Keef, lets do it! I just bought a fabulous new dress in Jaeger on Regent Street, and had my spray tan topped up. I a sure I could sneakily take a lend of James' new dvd recorder thingey.


We could have Mr Mikewbate trying to make off with Ana the au pair, and Mr Batdog could make an entrance in a wet shirt - in the manner of Sean Connery with a wet shirt, in that classic film Marnee!


Most of all I love the scene where attractive men engage in fisticuffs over me. James is at work again today, but I made him bring Max with him today, just to ensure there is nothing else occupying his time...


I am free until about 6pm. Is anyone else up for it?

Cut to scene outside the multi-national coffee shop Caffe Costabucks where, after a coded telephone warning from the East Dulwich People's Liberation Front, the police are evacuating the area as a suspicious package has been found. Zoom in to face in the crown and a man in an All Blacks top smiling to himself as he waits for the bomb squad to do a controlled explosion on his tactically placed tub of marzipan.


Meanwhile a couple are sitting on a bench in Goose Green having a heated discussion...

Dulwichmum - I don't know how to tell you this. I've been to battersea dogs home and found an adorable Jack Russel pup, his name's keef.


Batdog - This caaan't be 'appening, I'w kill 'im I wiw, kill him.


*as batdog rises, a bulging eyed sea of rage, he is restrained by an avuncular CrystalCLear*

CC - Don't do it batdog, its not werf it, you'w be looking at a twenty stretch!


*batdog calms almost imperceptibly*

BD - You've not 'eard the last of this dulwichmum, i'w be back, you'w pay fer this!!

DM pops darling Keef into her enormous handbag having first kissed him on the nose and wrapped the sweet baby in her baby blue cashmere cardigan.


Stands up and walks back up Lordship Lane in search of an appropriate coffee boutique.


Stops to admire the reflection of her white jeans in the window of the East Dulwich Deli. Pops Ipod earphones in ears and begins to sing along to Take That track...

Dear Mr Crystalclear - I thought you told me that Keef was represented as a puppy dog in this scene? I really need some more instruction, clearly!


Keef darling, what colour of cashmere cardigan had you pictured?


Where are the make-up people? If I don't get a latte soon I shall expire, I just know it...


I really have no problem with the filming, but the damn standing about, and the endless retakes...

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