If I was boss of Southwark or East Dulwich and had total power I would . . .

[lordship_bod]

1. give myself a huge salary so i could afford a house in ED

2. make people who have loads of crap in their front garden (i'm talking rotting wardrobes and garden refuse) contact the council within 7 days to remove it - if they dont they get a ?1000 fine. if they dont pay the fine within 7 days they arse gets carted off to prison

3. open an ice cream parlour/crepe place (perhaps replacing tivoli?) with lots of variety of flavours (inc. fat free yogurt if you are so inclined) - i believe LL is lacking in this

4. make everyone on the electoral role do 1 hour of a community activity (of their choice) every month so they get to know the area they live in (and the people) and not just hitch up in ED because of the postcode or school catchment area

5. fine the utility companies if they run over their projected time for utility maintenance!

6. pedestrainise north cross road on saturdays

7. not grant anymore estate agents planning permission to open up on LL (may be think about closing one or two :)

ok i'm sure there's more i can do but i need to give it some thought...:)

[Louisa]

I would have all the buses and trains sold off to American theme parks and pump the funds into better quality roads, bigger and with less traffic lights. I would also consider banning freedom of religion, with all churches mosques and other places of worship to be closed with immediate effect and all religious practises to be done at home and not in congregations. As for drugs, I wouldnt mind a canabis shop on LL, and maybe a gay leather bar.

Louisa.

[Brendan]

Jah you most certainly get my vote as supreme leader.

[giggirl]

Wrongfully dismiss myself and get a huge ???? golden handshake payout

[SeanMacGabhann]

I hope these new roads end up going through Louisa's house...

[AcedOut]

1) Ban children under 14 in all bars/pubs after 8pm.

2) Introduce a congestion tax on buggies over a certain size. Rebates for parents that carry their children or get them walking at a younger age (I've seen quite old looking children in buggies lately - shocking!)

3) Close down all bookies - you'll get better returns online anyway. If you like the social aspect, then go to a pub/bar that has wifi.

4) Reduce the number of estate agencies.

5) Start up a club open until a decent hour (at least 3am). Only single SE22 residents allowed omn Friday/Saturday nights!

6) At least one bar on LL must have a pool table.

7) A zebra crossing near Oakhurst Grove, crossing to the shops over East Dulwich Road (this really IS needed - council take note)

8) A Virgin Active gym please, or better still, a GymBox. I'm currently am a member of two gyms (city and ED), which isn't ideal.

9) A BBQ area on Peckham Pye common (Am I right in thinking they are not allowed?)

10) Goucho Grill to replace Gormet Burger King (GBK). The fact you have to queue and pay before the food is served really bothers me.

11) Open a decent Italian restaurant on LL.

12) A decent book shop to replace the current shabby offering (sorry for those that like this place, but I'd like a lot more variety).

13) Manon cafe to replace Cafe Nero (fantastic Illy coffee with a complimentary/inclusive chocolate)

14) A separate wheelie-bin for recycling - that box/bag combo is just not big enough if you recycle properly. The normal bin can be much smaller to cater for this (in fact, probably the size of the recycling box!)

15) Motorcycles to use bus lanes at all times.

16) Spot fines for cyclists that jump the lights.

17) Left turns allowed at red lights if it is safe to do so (flashing red introduced).

18) Build a decent cinema in place of the police station.

19) Free WiFi hotspot covering the LL area.

I could go on....

[SeanMacGabhann]

errr.. my comment about Louisa's house sounds more mean-spirited than I meant to! - sorry

But you know - the point still stands.. more roads = who gets displaced?

[Ant]

Introduce a local currency (of which I would obviously already have a vast supply); reroute the 37 bus route at weekends to keep the pubs a little quieter; force down commercial rents on LL and fill all the empty shops (with wanky boutiques, of course); install an ingenious system of rotating parking platforms that, when in use, store the car underground and display a flower bed on top; make sure no other f*cker could usurp my position as boss of ED.

[Banksy]

Overthrow the monarchy (sorry Jah Lush - don't take the job);

Declare ED a nuclear free zone (for old times sake);

Introduce a temporary dictatorship of the proletariat for the long term benefit of all ED'ers;

Ban all modern dog food to herald the return of white dog poo;

Do up the back bit of the CPT;

& introduce compulsory nude day every Wednesday come rain or shine.

[Peckhamgatecrasher]

Reinstate Jah and I'll vote you in as Chancellor of the Bedchamber or wearer of the Garter or somesuch.

(Are you sure you want lots of Wibbly Wobbly Wednesdays?)

[PeckhamRose]

WOuld there be a round table of councillor types to keep the Boss in check?

Or would it be a benevolent dictatorship (except in some cases a malevolent dictatorship!)

[jumpinjackflash]

Banksy Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

>

> Ban all modern dog food to herald the return of

> white dog poo;

>

>

>:D<

[SimonM]

....write out 100 times "Dulwich Park is in SE21 not SE1" (see the various Southward Council posters dotted around advertising Shakespeare in the Park at the end of the month!)

[Brendan]

...ban people from writing and arguing about nonsense on our local internet forum and have it reserved for amusing and intellectual discussions about edifying things like dancing monkeys, fish slapping or the girls from Hollyoaks in a swimming pool full of olive oil.

[Banksy]

Peckhamgatecrasher wrote:

Reinstate Jah and I'll vote you in as Chancellor of the Bedchamber or wearer of the Garter or somesuch.

(Are you sure you want lots of Wibbly Wobbly Wednesdays?)

The workers can't be bought off with mere baubles from the King's table - your name has also been added to the "Enemy of the People" list alongside King Jah Lush.

Nude day is more spiritual than simply wibbling and wobbling - you're confusing it with naked day (Tuesdays).

[yourmomma]

I'd bring back the pub quiz at the magdela. Can't be bothered to walk to the herne tooo far.

[Peckhamgatecrasher]

Oh go on with you Banksy. I'll make you Lady-in-Waitrose or Lord of the Flies or Baron of Brockwell Lido.

[Keef]

I was going to say allow full bands in all pubs, none of these stupid entertainment licenses, but then I saw Jah's list, and just decided to say

What Jah said!

Can I be your number 2 please? (I'll test all your drugs for you to make sure they're not poisoned).

[kford]

Coin operated BBQs in Peckham Rye, Dulwich Park and Goose Green, like these Down Under:

http://www.parc.co.nz/bbq.jpg

or, better:

http://www.rossmotel.com.au/images/large/caravan_BBQ.jpg

And:

A tramline from Goose Green to town; motorbikes allowed in bus lanes; Adventure Bar re-named; that block that used to be the Co-op until 1944 demolished and rebuilt as a modern, funky parade of shops and flats.

[Pierre]

AcedOut, I'm with you except for point 18 - it's great having a police station there.

I'd add:

20) two-foot-wide cycle lanes on _all_ major roads (LL, Grove Vale, EDG, Peckham Rye etc.) - drive a car in them and get a ?200 fine, park in them and get a ?500 fine.

21) increase my own profits so we could move back a bit closer to East Dulwich... :(

: P

[Louisa]

Sean, I dont care whos house the new bigger roads go through, as long as it means less traffic jams and better quality roads, oh and how about as an aside we get rid of bloody speed bumps. ED would be such a mervelous place, it would be the car friendly wonder of the world (secondly only to Milton Keynes).

Louisa.

[SteveT]

ED Keynes for president.

Remove the flight path above East Dulwich.

[macroban]

Fund East Dulwich Community Centre through 2009/10.

[cdonline]

Pedestrianise the whole area and build a huge flyover maybe through Herne Hill linking Camberwell and the South.

Make the guys at Costcutter on East Dulwich Road smarten up their shop.

Ask Tesco Metro staff run to check out when they're are more than one person waiting, rather than sluggishly coming when staff ring the bell.

I'd get hold of the CCTV footage of the scene outside Ms Smalls house and arrange a public screening.

Build a chair lift up Dog Kennel Hill for those lazy days.

[HonaloochieB]

In order to stage my takeover of the borough I would organise a series of meetings with well known dissidents and general nogoodniks. After a few of these I should have the makings of a good-sized angry mob. Getting them all liquored-up and marching on the town hall will be child?s play and a bloodless coup will ensue. The councillors and the overpaid executives that suckle at the teat of the council tax payers will be made to sign off letters of resignation and be banished to Lewisham.

My co-conspirators will be dobbed in to the scuffers and I will furnish whatever evidence is required to see that they spend a good long spell in the hoosegow.

Raw work I agree, but in politics a chap can?t make an omelette without cracking a few bad eggs.

The first order of business would of course be the refurbishment of the upper storeys of the town hall into my place of residence. A top-flight interior designer would be given the simple brief of ?LUXURY? and turned loose, no questions asked.

Secondly the question of The Leader?s (that?s me) wardrobe, I?m certain that the good people of Southwark wouldn?t want their representative on earth jetting around the world on goodwill visits (and there?ll be plenty, rest assured, I?m brimming with goodwill and don?t mean to confine it to a few south London post codes) looking like an ex-member of Ned?s Atomic Dustbin. Therefore the finest tailors will be commissioned for suiting and ceremonial robes.

The third issue would be my first appointment. After careful consideration I think I will have Louisa as my Commissioner and First Henchperson for Law, Order, Discipline and Couth. Things have been getting a little sloppy round these parts lately, I mean look how easy it was for me to form an angry mob and take over. I give a solemn pledge to people of Southwark that this will never happen again, not if Louisa has anything to do with it.

Louisa will be given free rein as far as uniform (though I?m thinking something in priest?s sock black with leather accessories), transport (though again I would respectfully suggest an old black gull-wing Mercedes) and recruitment of hench people is concerned. My first communiqu? to Louisa would be simple and to the point; ?This town?s got a runny nose, I?m giving you the hanky?

The ground floor of the town hall would still be open to the public and would be given a refurbishment. But no point going mad so I?d give the contract to that Laurence fellow off the telly, you know, him with the hair and the shirt cuffs. He could do what he liked really, provided he installed a stage.

Talking of which here is an opportunity for Keef?s band if they care to take it. I have a vision of a group calling themselves Shocking Steven And The Pustules Of Doom playing the loudest possible death metal during the building?s opening hours. This may mean that some local residents are put off in coming the building, but I only want to encourage visitors of a stout-hearted mien (if mien is the word I?m looking for).

At weekends the group would perform outside the front doors, playing heavy metal cover versions while dressed in dog suits and going under the name Muttalica.

Seriously Keef, this is a genuine offer and you could write your own cheque, just don?t forget it pays to have friends in high places, if you catch my drift.

On the subject of music, I have a yen for a female vocal group (any local ladies, interested?) to precede me on any room I enter and give a rendition of The Teddy bears ?To Know Him Is To Love Him? and on my departure a heartfelt and tearful version of Hall & Oates? He?s (sic) Gone?. This would of course only apply to rooms that were occupied, not empty ones. That would be absurd.

I?d encourage (well actually I?d leave the encouraging to a select group of Louisa?s henchpeople) people to call me ?Excellency?, though on social occasions ?X? would be acceptable.

I think that would be a good start.