Stranger danger

[Lochie]

Advice appreciated, not an urgent issue but one that I'd appreciate some thoughts on!

My son is 4 and a bit. He is very sociable and in public places e.g. supermarkets, will randomly say hello to strangers, tell them his name and age and ask them their name etc. This is happening more frequently, and though I don't want to quash his love of chatting to people and general people confidence, at some point we'll need to discuss not going off with strangers or generally approaching strangers. He is never far from my side, hence reason why I've never really mentioned this to him before. I know his default response will be why if I tell him not to do it.

He is due to start school in September, so really I'm wondering if anyone can tell me:

1) Is stranger danger part of national curriculum, and if so at what age? Perhaps I can wait to have this chat with him if its raised in a age appropriate and non scary way at school?

2) Have you managed to have this conversation with a child yourself without scaring them, and if so, how? I did start to tell my son last week that he should not really talk to strangers unless they talk to him because not everyone wants to be disturbed and was about to tell him also that not everyone is a 'goodie' but stopped myself as I don't know if 4 is too young to share that side of the world!

Any sharing of experience would be appreciated....

[canela]

I think it would be a little sad to squash his sociability and scare him off. If, as you say, he is still young and always with you or an adult when he goes out I don't know if you need to have a big talk about it. He might get really scared. I remember a random lady on a park bench who took it upon herself to tell my son, daughter, nephew and niece, all under 5 at the time, about stranger danger when they were playing and I was watching them. They were all really scared and I was so annoyed!

They do cover this at school and it might be easier to take when done in a group. In my experience, kids tend to grow out of this openness too....or else the world teaches them that it is not always appropriate. I doubt he will be so innocent and trusting for much longer, but maybe it is better if it comes in little doses.

I've found my kids tend to take their cues from me, and so whilst they might chat to people in the park they are unlikely to do so on a busy main road. others might have different experiences though.

[Saffron]

Are strangers really dangerous? I thought most abuse and interpersonal violence is committed by individuals who are known to their victims? I think blanket teaching of 'stranger danger' can lead to a flase sense that familiar individuals are universally benevolent.

As for that random lady on a park bench who felt the uncontrollable urge to interrupt your playtime, did she also feel the need to explain situational irony???

[Bellenden Belle]

I had such a sad experience in a park when a little girl said hello to me and the mother chastised her with 'why are you smiling at her? Do you know her?'She must have been about four.

I agree that stranger danger is sometimes over exaggerated and whilst they are still accompanie everywhere it shouldn't be a huge concern. Maybe in junior school when they start making their own way to school it's more important.

[Lochie]

No I don't think strangers are dangerous at all and in fact I do quite enjoy this level of interaction between stranger and child, it usually makes people smile and makes me smile too! My main issue I guess is if I am e.g. in a playground and looking after my younger daughter too, have my back turned for a few minutes, and then he is gone.

I know there is only a remote chance of that ever happening, but I guess there is an age that kids get taught that going off with anyone unknown is actually the wrong thing to do. My son doesn't know that.

Thanks for all the thoughts. My instinct was actually to hold back on the stranger danger chat as yes in no way do I want to make him neurotic at such a young age. I probably just need to install a tracking device in him for those instances when I can't watch him all the time and he wonders off! ;-)

[susyp]

I went through the same thing when my daughter was 4 and did have the chat- resulting

In her refusing to have a school photo taken as it was a strange

Man. I worry about it all the time but have to recognise I am simply neurotic. I don't really mention it to her now but she knows she has to stay in my sight - even in parks etc when her friends run off round the corner and their parents don't mind she knows I do. So it has worked even if I dd handle it badly and she is still friendly to people in playgrounds etc. Once she is at secondary school and walking herself I think is the time for the proper chat.

Susypx

[bluesuperted]

I haven't started talking to my son about this, but I think this approach is really really important - it's about talking about 'tricky people' and not strangers and makes loads of sense - this article explains it all:

http://www.checklistmommy.com/2012/02/09/tricky-people-are-the-new-strangers/

[Lochie]

Thanks BST that is useful. Made me quite sad reading it though :-(

Good tips on not going off with adults without parental permission, quite a simple way of getting message across

[Pugwash]

Many years ago walking my child down Friern Road to Goodrich School, my daughter was spoken to a replied to both a man and woman in the street. I asked her who they were, she did not know their names but my aunt who used to do the school run had told her that she must be polite and talk to them. Had a go at my aunt and it turned out that these were people she knew who attend the Adult Education Classes at Goodrich (That will show you how long ago this was!!)who lived in that part of Friern. I was annoyed at her more as if my child is going to talk to people on a regular basis, that I wanted to know who they were etc, and where they lived and their connection with my family. I was much later introduced to this couple and was able to explain my concerns to them. They fully appreciated my concerns and realised that they should have introduced themselves to me instead of talking to my daughter. I have since them explained to my daughters that if someone attempted to talk to them, just to smile and walk on, and not engage in conversation

[bodsier]

My son us 7, so he is not outside alone without a responsible adult, therefore I have not talked to him about 'stranger danger'. He, like me will talk to people whether we know them or not, it's what we do in our community and outside it. When the conversation is over, we say goodbye and walk away, so he learns from that. It's not dangerous to talk to strangers, it's dangerous to go off with them without an accompanying familiar adult. I love that he is comfortable talking to people of all ages. When he is old enough to go out alone, I shall tell him the rules that will apply then, which will be different. I always ask him how his day was, how he is feeling, the best/worst parts of his day. Sexual abuse is more prevalent amongst family members or family friends than outside of it, because it's easier for them and it's also easier for them to sustain the abuse. I make sure I know how my son is feeling emotionally and try to ensure that he is able to talk to me about anything that concerns him.

[fl0wer]

Remembering with sadness the day I had to teach my young children not to trustingly answer the front door and invite a visitor in.

Also I thought it was unsafe to let a young boy go unaccompanied to the Gents public toilet. If their dad wasn't with us I always took my son and we'd go to the Ladies.

What age did these precautions get outgrown? I think about 8 yrs old is when schools start teaching children how to protect themselves. It's very patchy, you cannot predict how good the teaching will be. Some PTA's are against talking over this material at all.