Jump to content

Recommended Posts

Another classic, posted in response to the suggestion that everyone take time off to get drunk and watch cricket, and that Honaloochie would provide us with a covering note:



"Dear (INSERT YOUR/ employer's/probationer officer's/pimp's/ponce's/director's/publisher's/social worker's/higher echelon drug dealer's/Chief executive officer's/Brave executive officer's/Squaw executive officer's/Headmistress's/Othermistress who won't do that's/manager's/the other one who can't manage it's/record producer's/record producer who isn't attempting to shag you's/ record producer who's actually produced a record's/ community pyschiatric nurse's/foreman's/forewoman's/ NAME HERE


I scribe on behalf of (INSERT NAME HERE, PREFERABLY OWN).

I have been his/her (your choice) personal guru, numerologist, dowser, ethical medium and nutritionist for a good part of his/her (again your choice, but I'd advise consistency) current existence, as for his/her's previous one I am not at liberty to discuss.


The files I may (or as I am strongly advised to say) or may not have contributed to then, are the subject of a legal dispute with his/her late (for everything if you ask me) medium.


I have checked (NAME'S) aura and I have never seen it so yellow, and it was all yellow. I can treat this by bleeding myself dry, but unfortunately (YOUR NAME) does not have private medical insurance and bleeding myself dry is not available on the NHS. I could comment, but won't.


I carried out a reading of (YES YOUR BASTARD NAME AGAIN)'s numbers, and was greatly concerned to see them in a what I as a qualified numerologist can only describe as the worst sort of two and eight I've seen in years.


The above can only lead to one conclusion, his/her guts must be utterly putrid.

I would be failing in my duty as a responsible nutritionist if I did not recommend that my patient take several days off in order to rebalance his/her insides and soothe his/her chakrakhan.


Thank you, may I wish you long life and obedient children who are young dudes and carry the news.


HonaloochieBeatific"



Masterful.

I'm considering a similar approach for the next family circular.


"Little Jonty (td) has been a perfect darling about having to go to big school, and has hardly kicked up any fuss at all. Meanwhile Letitia :X has been learning to express her opinions clearly. As the oldest, Samuel :'( is feeling rather responsible. Still, at least Mum is back to her old high spirits :)-D.


Love to all,


The Maxes"

Silverfox wrote.


Many years ago my uncle bought a reduced fresh turkey from Birmingham Bull Ring market on Christmas Eve. When he unwrapped it at home it only had one leg (true story). Does this count as a rot shop?



-----------------------------------------------------------------------


I loved this part story, part question & spat my coffee out when I read it.



W**F

I shouldn't find this funny but couldn't help laughing when I read it. In the Does anyone know Sarah Russell thread on the main forum, the first reply (which there is now no trace of) was:


Yeah! Heard she is a right s**g!


So juvenile and unhelpful. Reminds me of my old work place when I'd ask a simple question and would get a silly answer in return.

On the 185 (anti Nigel thread) - I thought this was funny Sophie. Cheers :)) Especially the last line.


Blimey this thread is compeltely out of control. I still think every company has really good, ok, and really crap employees, including bus companies. We should all try and remember that not all bus brivers are meanies.


Beaver14uk when I read the beginning bit of your first post I was pleased that you'd come on here to stand up for yourself and other bus drivers but sadly your post took a turn for the worse. But... I don't blame you for being on the defensive because on earlier pages of the thread there had been a lot of comments about bus drivers having no brains. If I was a bus driver and read that I would be extremely pissed off. Please don't drive through East Dulwich and think we're all cocks and in return I won't get on a bus and assume you're a cock.

  • 5 weeks later...

From the Isn't AnnaJ Just The Bee's Tits thread. Or something along those lines. Which of course she is.

BBW in fine form. And I did actually laugh out loud.


The J household.


Anna: "Hi darling, I'm home."


BN5: "My love, how was today's crusade."


Anna: "Rise from the floor my dear, I don't deserve such praise."


BN5: "I can't help it my love, you relieve the suffering of so many as well as correct the spelling of lesser men."


Anna: "That may be my love but it's my calling and I'd be selfish to ignore it."


BN5: "Oh, a young chap who calls himself bigbadwolf dropped by."


Anna: "Oh yes, what did he want?"


BN5: "He said he had a dream where a dam collapsed but you saved everyone from certain death by using your devine powers of healing and wisdom to hold the structure from failing as well as saving everyone threatened by it."


Anna: "Oh that, it was no trouble at all, I was happy to help."


BN5: "Good God my love!! You're even awesome and polite in other peoples sleep!"


Anna: "Oh it's no trouble at all."

Of course you did, you big tart you.


*grips BBW's ears and before he gets too worried bestows a gentle heterosexual kiss atop his head*


Seriously BBW, you're alright, there's hardly anything 'gay' 'bout me.

Apart from the T Rex and early David Bowie records, the fondness for AA Gill restaurant reviews and a small leaning towards Pucci, I'm straight as they die.

For the most part, anyway.

Brendan's reply to PGC's reply.


Brendan: "What's crotch dancing?"


PGC: "It's from Northern Europe. Requires a Pole."


Brendan: "Like a bathroom suite from Ikea?"


You may be a feral, Dutch Veltlander Brendan but that was a very clever and humorous reply and it certainly made me laugh.

Right, looks like Brendan's on fine form today. Here's another masterpiece from our laughter mechanic.


Brendan's reply to Mockney's suggestion that Anna Ford is a likely contender as hot totty in the Emily Maitlis thread.


Mockney: "They don't make them like they used to."


Brendan: "That's just Gok Wan without his makeup."


Very good B. Can I call you B?

From the what's-her-name legs' thread:


Posted by: Jah Lush Today, 01:27PM


SteveT Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Jayne Mansfield had a substantial chest

> measurement and was fluent in 7 languages.



And she couldn't say no in any of them.




BRILLIANT Jah!

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Latest Discussions

    • There is a large amount fresh veg available in the green book cage outside the copleston church,sprouts,spring onions,potatoes,parsnips and bread rolls,pop down shame to see it get wasted          
    • On the original topic - there was more of this on Whateley Road today. Same place but the other side of the road. Could be the same dogwalker as for the other nearby roads?   I don't have a dog - but would have thought it's hard for owners not to notice when a dog is doing it in the middle of a pavement? 
    • Thought I’d take a trip down to Rye Lane this morning to visit the charity shops etc. I usually park in the Morrisons car park and buy stuff there and then the nearby shops. I know there are a few shops near the Aylesham centre that are having to close (Boots the chemist was a shoplifters favourite over the years) but I was shocked to see the extent of shop closures, graffiti, overall decline in the area.  Sometimes I get the bus and wanted to visit the Crises charity shop but it didn’t open until 10.30am and it had a coffee place inside. They have a shop in Rye Lane but are missing out on early rising customers. Walking down towards Santendar and the Primark store was very empty.Just hope that isn’t due for closure. The security guards are very nonchalant. The Scope charity shop has a prime position but doesn’t promote the shop Greggs have done away with their self service due to the number of thefts of food items.  The Poundland was quite empty too but I visit this one as they have stock since the Camberwell one closed down.         
    • Maybe I'm behind the times, but in the old days if you went to a pub for charity fundraiser you'd have a quiz or karaoke and you'd be chipping in for a new scanner at your local hospital or maybe sending some poor kiddie for some cancer treatment abroad. Nowadays you can roll down to the Old Nun's head in Nunhead and tip your money into a bucket for some sad young woman to go a private surgeon and have her breasts sliced off -  as if that was going to be some kind of life-saving treatment!  Not only that, she's publicising her Valentine's crowdfunder with a funny ha ha (not) cartoon of a girl (see pic) with a hypodermic in her bum and calling it 'Valen-Tits-off'. Jesus wept. Whatever happened to hearts and flowers? It's so unbelievably sick. I'm a woman, I've pretty much still got all the woman-bits intact. Periods and puberty weren't much fun, I was bullied at school, wondered about my sexuality and boys and spots and the rest of it, got called a lezzer by the class cow, but I got through it. And I would no more think that cutting bits off a girl was the solution to her misery than I would put my teenage daughter on a diet if she was diagnosed with anorexia. I can't be the only person who finds the pub - and its publicity material - very VERY offensive?
Home
Events
Sign In

Sign In



Or sign in with one of these services

Search
×
    Search In
×
×
  • Create New...