What advice should I give to me teenage sons?

[charlie chuckles]

I've got a dilemma that I would like some advice about. I have teenage sons, 15 and 16, who live with their mum. Of late they have been inviting lots of mates around, some of whom I think may be dodgy characters. Matters came to a head the other day when one of these dodgy characters, a 15 year old boy, decided he wanted to rob them. I got a phone call and rushed round there. Luckily he didn't take anything but he threatened them and when he was outside he was banging on the door. My two lads are quite robust and can look after themselves but this lad clearly intimidated them. Whilst I'm concerned about this situation I'm also annoyed that they have been inviting these youths into their mum's house when we told them not to. I've decided to have my boys stay with me for a few weeks to get them away from their area to break this cycle and nip it in the bud. They're doing their GCSEs so they don't need these distractions. The dilemma I'm wrestling with is this: I'm pretty old school and I really think that they should stand up to this lad if he tries it on again. I'm wondering by having them stay with me is this in some way letting him think that he has got the upper hand, and as a consequence he may try to bully them further when they are back on the scene? On the other hand I am concerned about all the teenage violence and stabbings so I'm worried about telling them to stick up for themselves if this kid suddenly pulls a blade on them. On my way over to their house I saw a police car and told them what was happening but they never turned up. When I got there my sons didn't want the police involved and as nothing had been stolen and no one hurt I decided not to pursue this. I guess I just want to know if I'm doing the right thing having them stay with me for the reasons pointed out above and some other points of view would be much appreciated.

[bon3yard]

I dont think people are wilfully ignoring you Charlie but to give advice on this matter is a real toughy.

[missd]

its a tough one - this is the dilemma of raising kids in london. the parents of the boy who was stabbed in lee (i think) said that he had never wanted to teach his son to run away from things, and that he should stand up for what he thought was right. the boy did, and was stabbed.

this is what i would be scared of, that in trying to do the right thing, ie stand up for themselves, or someone else, that my kids could get hurt, potentially fatally.

i think the most importnat thing right now is that your kids get through their GCSE's without this kind of distraction. you could obviouslty monitor the situation more closely if, and when, they go back to their mum. if you can tell that htey are being bullied even more so by this other kid, then something proactive like self defence lessons, might be useful. so that they know what to do if the other kid shows them a knife etc.

i think though that my main concern now would be the GCSE's and getting them through that. then you can deal with whether the other kid tries it again etc??

good luck and best of luck to them too in their exams

[charlie chuckles]

sound advice missd.Thanks very much I think you are right.

[LuvPeckham]

Charlie

Contact the local SNT and see if they can help, even if they don't do anything directly they can discuss the matter with the Schools Officer who is assigned to your son's school to see if the boy who threatened them has any previous incidents... if so then the schools officer will be able to discuss this with the school directly and make appropriate recomendations.

[jimmy two times]

It's difficult to advise. I think it's always the right advice to tell people to stand up to bullies. Ultimately if you don't they can make your life a misery and many teenagers have committed suicide through bullying. So it's a question of weighing things up. I think ultimately your sons will have to stand up to this youth one way or the other if he continues to see them as a soft touch, but that doesn't mean they have to be violent. Perhaps they can tell him that they have a cousin or older friend who will sort him out? Maybe they could just tell him that you will come round and sort him out if he continues. I'm not suggesting that you do this as obviously he's still a kid and you may get yourself into trouble, but sometimes the threat of violence is all that's needed in these situations....and I know that's probably very un PC.

[jumpinjackflash]

Charlie - do you know this lad's parents? If so maybe try having a word. However his parent/s may prove to be difficult themselves perhaps..

[charlie chuckles]

No I don't know him or his parents. My sons reckon he doesn't live around their way and comes up from Camberwell. I'm hoping it was just a one off and it may be a good lesson for my two sons about being more careful about who they chose to hang around with.

[missd]

charlie i was thinking about this earlier. do they feel bad that they put their mum at risk, becuase of who they invited into their home? if they feel at all guilty about it, then, like you say, they may well have learnt theselves to be more careful about who they make friends with and invite into their home?

[Asset]

I think some dialogue with the school would be a good idea if the situation carries on.

[SteveT]

If you went and spoke to his parent, you would probably find a mother on her own who is out working and not aware what her offspring is getting up to when her back is turned.

If by some remote chance a father is on the scene, he should be told what is going on so that he can do something about curbing his child's intimidating behaviour before the police are brought in.

You do not have to take your boys along, but if you do, it would strengthen your case even if they were only standing within viewing distance of the front door.

If there are any denials, which there will be from the youth, you can then call your boys in or go to them to question the validity of the denials.

When you leave and return home you must write down all you remember of what took place on the door step for future reference. Best of luck.

[charlie chuckles]

missd I'm not sure if they have looked at it this way. She hadn't come home from work when it happened. I think part of the problem is that when they finish school they are at home on their own until she gets home, so the flat becomes a bit of a youth club (at least that's how she has made it sound to me). I think generally it's all innocent, but of course as more and more youths start to come around there will inevitably one or two dogy ones turn up, which is what has happened. As far as talking to his parents is concerned, like I say, I don't know where he lives and neither do my sons. He seems to be a character who drifts into their neighbourhood. They live on a council estate so sometimes you get drifters hanging around. I'm just around the corner and on the end of the phone, luckily, and boys are with me every weekend so I try to keep a watchful eye over who they hang around with and where they go.

[missd]

thats the most you can do i guess, for now, esp while they concentrate on exams.

you never know, his parents might not be overly responsive to the concerns of another parent and then you're in a different sort of trouble!

i think for now, you're doing what you can and the important thing is to keep that eye on them to see who they are hanging out with etc. my parents were very strict with me - prob more than they needed to be - but it worked. finding hte balance is tough though.

[Crona]

It is a difficult decision to make but in my opinion your boys should avoid any violence. This boy sounds like a bully (intimidation and "minor" violence) but there is a thin line where a bully turns "really" violent. If he is confronted directly (i.e. violently) he will react like this (and you don't know who will support him - it is getting crazy with all these gangs). Your boys should be able to stand up against intimidation and turn into violence only as a last resort and only to defend themselves. Maybe next time this guy intimidates them they should ask him why he is doing that. I know it sounds silly but when someone is facing their behavior back sometimes "disarms" them. Then again (if the problem continues) they can ignore, avoid (him and common areas) and last fight back. By fighting I mean first inform the parents, then the school (the two "authorities") and last fight for themselves (they are two at the end of the day). In my opinion, people should be able to stand up for themselves no matter what but not violently (again as I said as a last resort). What it matters is to go through their exams so you did well of taking them away. Time plays an important role as the bully needs "victims" to go by and if your boys are out of the picture he will focus somewhere else.

[reenie40]

I had a similar problem when my son was doing his GCSEs a few years ago - he received death threats from a former 'friend' who thought that he was coming on to his ex girlfriend. The boy had a drug problem at this stage, having been expelled from school and as his dad was a reasonably well know South London 'gangster' we were really concerned as we thought he would have the means to carry out his threats. The school were great, with some of the teachers giving up personal time to escort my son to and from the bus stop etc after school, however we went to school one day for a meeting about it and while my son went outside to catch up with his friends the boy turned up unexpectedly and beat the s**t out of my son. His friends tried to help and one ran home to get a neighbours dog. My son kind of let him get on with it and didn't put up much of a fight as he thought it was something the guy needed to get out of his system, and sure enough he left him alone after that, his anger seemed to be depleted. It was a horrible time for all of us, but I think we were more worried than him. I'm not saying your sons should take a beating, but maybe them being away will give the guy some time to calm down - it is often bravado. The boy contacted my son about a year later to say that part of the problem was that he was jealous that my son had a home, and people who care about him, whereas he was left by himself most of the time. It did have an impact on his exams though and he did under perform, so it's important that you don't let that happen. I hope it all sorts itself out.

[redthread]

Hi - a collegue of mine had read your post and asked me my opinion...

Im a youth worker and youth counsellor and I work with a local youth charity called redthread -

I also work a King's A&E running their youth project in the department - following up young people who have been assaulted, stabbed, shot etc and finding ways in the community of reducing violoence...

As your post has pointed out and as we all see daily in the news - youth violence is a huge and concerning topic

I won't regale you with stories but out of my work with young people I have decided to run a Parents of Teens event (1st July 08 7.30pm at dulwich village hall) for pretty much the very reason you wrote your thread... to give parents a voice, a network, an ear to listen to your concerns...

I guess this is both an invite but more particuarly a question - is a parents of teens forum/ network something that Dulwich/East Dulwich could do with?

Please do feel free to contact me if you have any questions re youth work or parents opportunitys.

All the best

redthread.org.uk

[Peckhamgatecrasher]

Yes. Brilliant. I will be there.

[Asset]

Me too.