Co-sleeping: How to stop it?

[Lochie]

I'd be ever so grateful if someone can give me a little advice on the best way to stop co-sleeping!

My daughter is 15 months. She has slept in my bed for most of her life. At first I enjoyed it, but the last 6 months have not been through my choice but her wilfullness.

Through controlled crying we have got to the point where she consents to sleep in her cot for naps during the day and will go down at night in her cot.

However, she usually wakes again before midnight and will absolutely NOT be coerced back into her cot. So the majority of the night she spends in bed with me (husband goes in with her big brother). I tried last night to let her cry it out when she woke at 9pm but she became hysterical and we could only bare leaving her for about 20 minutes crying in her cot (she got to that stage of crying where she could hardly catch her breath).

So, I was hoping for those that have co-slept, you maybe able to answer:

1) How long did you co-sleep for, is there an optimum age that it can be stopped in a kind way?

2) When it was bought to an end, how did you go about it?

3) Is there a way of ending long term co-sleeping that is not brutal?

I am sure there is not a black and white answer but some advice would really help.

Thanks :-)

[GinaG3]

I've not found a way I'm happy with and my daughter is 4 1/2 now. I'm a very attached parent though and whilst I'm to the point now that its very uncomfortable for us all to be in my kingsize I hate for her to think she isn't welcome in the middle of the night. She doesn't start the night in our bed but comes in without fail every night between 1-4am. She's been in our bed again for 3 weeks now after having a nightmare but to be fair her room does need a major overhaul and she has promised to go in her room when she has a new bed (she is still in her junior cot bed with the rails off) and has so many toys there is literally a rat run to her bed and thats the only visible floor space.

She first went in her own room from 20 months but would come back into our room quickly as I was still breastfeeding during the night. At 24 months when I stopped breastfeeding she stayed in her own room by choice and would still be there at 7-8am, this happened for 6 months. At 30 months she started coming into our bed again.. I'm yet to tackle this issue still 2 years on.

We always allowed our daughter to make her own choices, from toilet training, wearing knickers at night to being in her own bed. With gentle encouragement and talks of being a big girl she has done brilliantly but its just the sleeping in her own bed we fall back on. She has always been extremely attached to me and I think thats what she finds genuinely hard, she doesn't have a comforter by way of a teddy or a rag but instead has comforted from birth by rubbing a mole on my chest. I think this is another issue that gets in the way with our daughter, do you notice anything similar?

[Saffron]

Lochie Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

>

> However, she usually wakes again before midnight

> and will absolutely NOT be coerced back into her

> cot. So the majority of the night she spends in

> bed with me (husband goes in with her big

> brother). I tried last night to let her cry it out

> when she woke at 9pm but she became hysterical and

> we could only bare leaving her for about 20

> minutes crying in her cot (she got to that stage

> of crying where she could hardly catch her

> breath).

>

>

That sounds like she may have developed a bit of nighttime separation anxiety which is quite normal/common (my daughter had/has this, despite being confident and outgoing during the day). CC isn't really recommended for this, because it works at cross-purposes with the anxiety at night, which might be why you had success for naps but not nighttime sleep.

Could your daughter be coaxed to sleep on a little mattress next to your bed when she wakes at night? Over the coming months start talking about how she'll get a "big girl bed" or "princess bed" etc when she turns 2yo (or another arbitrary date - it's just a fixed point to work towards). Start by just mentioning it casually from time to time. As the months go by mention it more frequently and in more detail. Maybe even start picking out nice things together, like some fluffy cushions or a net canopy. Hopefully by the time her birthday comes round (or whatever date you've chosen, just don't rush it, or it might backfire!), she'll be really excited. Invest in a nice toddler bed and some dream tubes, like soft bedguards, and decorate the bed together with colours she likes and special teddies. The first few nights may be tough, so a sticker chart can be really helpful.

We used this method when my daughter was 2.5 yrs and still regularly waking 1-3x nightly with very bad nighttime separation anxiety (It was so bad I was actually co-sleeping with her on a futon in her room). We've had really good success. Your daughter doesn't sound quite as extreme as Little Saff, so maybe this would work for her too? We also re-introduced a soother (I know, I know...) which she hadn't had since she was 5 months old, and it really helped. Like GinaG3's daughter, Little Saff never took a "luvvie" but we always make sure there are a few different teddies in bed for a snuggle. Good luck! xx

[susyp]

my daughter slept with me until she was 2 and then we took the rails of her cot down and persuaded her it was a big girl bed and she was happy enough to go in it. I found before that that I just got more sleep if she was in with me! Once they start wanting to be a bit more independent i think it is a bit easier. She still sleeps with me if she is ill .

susypx

[Lochie]

Gina,

what you wrote is really sweet! The truth is that part of the problem is me - because I actually love co-sleeping and so can cave in very easily. But I don?t want it to be the norm because I don?t really want my husband having to sleep in another room like has done for the best part of the a year and a half! It is also hugely detrimental to my sleep as she often wakes me in the night pointing at the door either to get up and go downstairs or go and get her a bottle of milk. This has the knock on effect of making me really grumpy for the majority of the morning, so I don?t think it benefits my children overall.

You mention that your daughter likes stroking a certain part of your body, and I think my daughter just likes the warmth of another body at night, as she often tries to fall asleep with her forehead against my forehead, or her back against my back. There is no substitute for this if I put her in her cot.

Saffron,

I completely agree about night time separation anxiety. Whilst I am quite resilient with controlled crying in the early evening and day, I cannot stomach it in the middle of the night. I think it is instinctive as a human at any age to sometimes find waking in the middle of the night disorientating which is why I don?t really want to be so hard in the dead of night. Moving her mattress next to ours is a really good idea. I guess in the next 6-9 months I may be moving her to a big bed anyway so that maybe a good way of kicking it all off.

I think my main concern is if I don?t tackle it now will it just get harder as she gets older to convince her that her own bed is better. As time goes on, will it be harder habit to break. I know as they get older you can use incentives and briberies, but that seems a long way off!

Thanks for the help

[Saffron]

No, don't worry, the opposite is true: Co sleeping doesn't become a habit to break, instead children out grow it. There is a well-documented anthropological shift towards more independent sleep between 2 to 4 years old. You just need to find the right tools to encourage this transition. Xx

[GinaG3]

For what its worth all my siblings and I co-slept, and we all grew out of it at our own pace, each one of us at a different age. Have you tried putting something of yours, like a tshirt/under vest you've been wearing all day in her bed with her, she could be attached to the smell of you? Might be worth a try for a night or two. See what happens? Could be a connection to her wanting to be near you that you aren't seeing?

[civilservant]

My daughter co-slept with us until she was 4 or so. Then we gave her her own room, with a normal-size single bed, and she was happy enough to sleep in it like 'a big girl'. She's been in her own room ever since.

If she woke up and cried in the night, I'd get into bed with her rather than take her back into our bed or sit and soothe her back to sleep. I did enjoy co-sleeping, but appreciate that at some point, you just have to let go...

[Lochie]

Thanks all, and thanks Saffron, it is useful to know that they grow out of it.

Rather oddly, as if she has telepathy, my daughter slept 8pm-6.45am for the first time ever last night, in her cot without stirring! Naturally of course I couldn't sleep wondering why she wasn't waking up!!! Would be lovely if this is a turning point...

[canela]

they do grow out of it, some quicker than others....

can you swap the cot for a single mattress on the floor? so that if she cries you go in to her rather than her coming in with you - so that she doesn't always associate your bed with comfort. you might find you have a while where you end up sleeping in her bed for half the night, but it is a step in the right direction.

[MichelleT]

Young T is still sleeping with me at nearly 3. We used to sidecar his toddler bed, but he likes to sleep pressed up against me, or touching me with his feet. I've decided to let him choose when he's ready to go into his own room - and found this article very encouraging http://sarahockwell-smith.com/2012/11/04/what-rod-our-experience-of-bedsharing-to-age-4/

[Lochie]

Thanks both.

I would like to sleep in her room on a mattress but her room is tiny, a cot room really. Otherwise yes I think that is the best solution.

Michelle- I read that article. My mum keeps saying 'one day she'll be 18 and you'll miss her not wanting to sleep next to you'....so whilst it is tiring I do try to cherish it and know it won't last forever!

[MichelleT]

I know the minute he chooses to sleep in his bed I will miss him. One step closer to adulthood! Its tiring, but I love waking up first and reading and watching him stir and sit up and say 'hello mummy'. And being able to cuddle him and comfort him at night. I was working full time until recently so I cherished the night time connection.

[canela]

i also really enjoy it, but my husband finds it tiring. i think you have to try and find a way of co-sleeping (if that's what you want to do) that allows everyone to get a good nights sleep as well. personally i find i can sleep 4 in a bed no probs, in fact i love it, but hubby can't and so he was getting tired and it wasn't fair on him. so now the kids go to sleep on a mattress on the floor in their room, and if they wake up and come pattering in to ours I'll go back into their room with them. as they get older this has got later and later until now is more or less the early morning. i don't resent it at all, and i just fall straight back to sleep with them so i'm not tired.

i suppose what i'm saying is, if you want to carry on co-sleeping you might want to find a way of tweaking the arrangements to make it work for you. could you put a cot mattress on the floor next to your bed? is it your husband who doesn't want to be bed-hopping every night anymore?

[bluesuperted]

Hi Lochie, hope you find a solution that works for you and hubby. We are long-term cosleepers (or as my phone just autocorrected 'cod keepers' hehe!) and very happy with it but definitely think you all need to be happy to do this, some good suggestions above. We are getting our loft converted imminently and are actually planning on our room (in the loft) having our king size plus our comfy three quarter bed in it too so everyone's at maximum comfort (4 of us). Most families I know have some degree of cosleeping going on so I think it's worth thinking about how best to accommodate rather than being irritated or downright squashed by it!

I do think a lot of trying to just get through it in uncomfy set ups is due to 'keeping face' to guests and family/friends?! Not suggesting this is you at all! Just know we get odd looks from family and I like being brazenly pro co-sleeping (mine and hubby's stock line is 'we cosleep and we love it') but I know the pressure to conform/hide the reality can be hard. We stayed with friends recently and the dad has often ribbed us about our family bed... But having stayed with them we soon realised that they cosleep with both their boys every night from the early hours :)

[Mens]

Sorry, I haven't read all of the replies so I may be repeating what someone has said.

Basically, they kind of grow out of it by 3. They understand that they are stopping you from sleeping and after crying for a couple of nights happily start enjoying their beds.

My youngest (baby 3) happily sleeps in her bed now as I only breastfeed her during the day so because she knows that there is no point waking up she sleeps all night in her bed. She is 22mths old. Not sure why she agrees to this though but my middle child was the same once I stopped night feeds. I do sit in the bedroom until she falls asleep (just at the other end of the room watching things on my ipad).

Sorry if repeating things but basically it gets easier as they get older but if you are exhausted and working then just do it gently, so laying next to her in her bed,then gradually moving towards the door over the weeks.

[crystal7]

Just found this thread, nice to see I'm not alone!

Like others on this thread we started co sleeping with our 2nd child in the early days. He was (is!) a rubbish sleeper, wanted to feed all night long and I just wanted to get some sleep! Our baby is now 21 months old and is pretty much full time in with us. Sometimes he will go into his bed at 7 but mostly not. He settles fine in the big bed and sleeps through mostly.

I was wondering what others do about nights away?? We haven't had a night away from the children since before baby 2 was born due to breastfeeding (which has recently stopped) and co sleeping. Not unusual I'm sure, we didn't leave our first child until she was over 2. But I would, at some point in the next 5 years, like the chance to have a not off! My parents are willing to have both kids and expect one of them would share a bed with the small one. I'm not sure if he'd cope though?! Am I cruel to even think of it?? He loves my parents although we only see them every month as they don't live locally...

[Fuschia]

Crystal, my cosleeping children have all managed nights away from

Me (at 2 1/2 or so) by sleeping with my sister or their nanny. It seems to be a good compromise

[canela]

My co-sleeping kids were also fine with nights away. When they were little they slept with my mum or with a cousin. As long as they understand you are not there they don't seem to mind, in my experience.

[bluesuperted]

Slightly different circumstances but my mum and sister coslept with my then 2y 7m old when I went into labour/hospital with my daughter. He was fine, bit comfused the second night and woke a few times but happy to be cuddled back to sleep, think one night would have been totally fine.

[NicoleS]

Hi, I've been co-sleeping with my baby since birth (he is now just turned 1). We have recently moved him into his own room, but into his own double bed (futon style so he doesn't have far to fall if he rolls off). I put him to bed here for naps and at night. At some point in the night (usually around midnight) he wakes up and I go and join him in his bed for the rest of the night. The plan is that as he sleeps longer he will sleep alone for more and more of the night until eventually he is sleeping through the night in his own bed (I expect this to be very gradual though). This works really well for us as my husband can't sleep well with the baby in the bed now that he is bigger and moves around a lot, but we also don't really want to be a couple who sleep in separate rooms. So we go to bed as a couple in our own bed, our room feels like our own space again and everyone can get a good night's sleep. Our baby still gets the cuddles (and breastfeeds) he needs in the night and I still get the convenience of not getting up and down during the night to settle him (although I do have to go to a different room the first time he wakes up). Perhaps you could come up with a similar imaginative solution that suits everyone in the family.

I also agree with the earlier post by bluesuperted about trying to 'keep face'. Our setup is quite unusual as we have no cot and the baby's room has a double bed in it so I imagine it looks quite odd to guests and is a bit strange to explain to people. But it works for us so I try not to care.

[SBot]

On a different slant, my 3 year old woke up in the early hours screaming that she had snails in her bed! Nightmare! We have never ever had her sleep in our bed but as she was terrified and trembling and petrified to go back in her bed, I thought ok in you come. Well, the worst night ever! She fidgeted, kicked, ended up sprawled in the middle and me and hubby laying on the edge! Thankfully it was a one off..........so I applaud those that like having their little ones in their bed!

[crystal7]

Ha ha SBot I have had nights like that over the years!

Thanks for the reassurance Canela, BST and fuchsia, will go for it in the Autumn I hope!

NicoleS your system sounds perfect. Similar to what we did for a while with my eldest. We don't have the space at the moment but fingers crosses we'll be moving soon so may well set up our boy's bedroom like that. Thanks for sharing.

[MichelleT]

Young T, 3, has now been in his own 'big boy bed' for a week. I've been sleeping on the floor in the room, as its a mid-sleeper and I wanted to make sure he didn't try to climb out in the night. Now wondering how to ease my way out of his room and back into mine - any tips?