Would you let your 11yr old 'hang out' in the early eve?

[Mrs TP]

On Friday another local 11yr old knocked for my 11yr old at 7.40pm and asked if she wanted 'to come out?'. I was quite taken aback and thought it too late for her to be starting to go out and said no.

Just wondered what others think re this sort of situation.

Also I don't want her 'hanging around' on the street or in the park. Am I way out of touch with what modern kids do?

[Dodo1]

No- sorry won't take the chance.

[yeknomyeknom]

7.40pm is far too late to be out at that age. Also, as children of that age, we were never allowed to hang out. We had to be at a friends house or them at our house.

[TillieTrotter]

My children are happily into their later teens but I wouldn't have let them hang out at that time. Early evening until supper at 7pm would have been my cut off point.

[tllm2]

Mine is a little older than yours and he has started 'hanging out' with him mates after school - doing what, I'm not to sure ....... but 7/7.30pm is when he's expected home (at the latest at the moment). Not to be just heading out.

[El Pibe]

I was hanging out at that age, but I reckon I'd think twice about allowing it in London.

One of the reasons we're moving *wipes a tear*

[Saffron]

Depends on your child, the other child, what your street is like, etc. I'm on a relatively quiet street that doesn't run directly into main roads. There are often children riding bikes and roller skates in the evening if the weather's ok.

7:40 doesn't seem so late if it's sunny. Twenty minutes of fresh air before bath time might not be a bad thing. However at 11 years old I'd probably want to be out with them or not let them go any further than my front garden, more out of concern of something happening to them than concern over what they might get up to.

[Goodliz]

OMG Mrs TP I am dreading this stage. Mainly because I can remember what we used to get up to when we were 'playing out' at that age in Liverpool. We got up to all kinds that I really would not want my kids getting up to. I think the likelyhood of them getting abducted is virtually nil but the likelyhood of getting led astray by older kids/ kids with more freedom is a big one. We had way too much freedom.

I am with you and I would have said 'no' to the friend too if it was E or O being called for. But as someone said if it was earlier and they were just going to a house that you approved of that was an easy distance away it would not be such a big issue.

Eek - good luck.

[Mrs TP]

I think it was to Goose Green playground and defo not in our road about quarter of a mile away, which can be traffic busy and nobody 'plays' in and no mention of going to the other person's house.

Goodliz, it's all good fun beginning to explore the freedom years ... It is happening gradually and so manageable but yes new challenges.

[Saffron]

Yes, that seems a little bit too late to go quite so far from home in the evening without an adult. By the time they walked there, it would be time to turn around and come home.

I think I'd only really be happy with my child hanging out in our own front garden, or within earshot at that time of day. That's what I was allowed when I was growing up, so maybe it's case of what you're familar with (or not).

On that note, without meaning to be judgemental at all, I'm very curious what the other child was up to? Was s/he with other friends, or going to meet friends? I'm guessing no other parent was there? Are there usually children in Goose Green playground that late (considering that it's summer...)? I'm not often in that area in the evening. There are sometimes children in our local park (Hilly Fields) in the evenings. It's very sheltered by quiet roads, nothing like Goose Green playground.

[whirly]

No.

Our 12yo son hangs out with friends after school, but must be back by 7. If he was at a friends house, then that would be fine, but not in the park/on the streets.

[WorkingMummy]

I grew up in South Croydon and was allowed to hang out in my street with my mates from about the age of 3 - basically as soon as my parents trusted me not to run into the road or go beyond the geographic boundaries they set. Landed up in A&E plenty of times because of all the climbing in the nearby woods, and the frantic bike riding, but my parents seemed to think this was just part of growing up. Once I had started school - so from 5 - on summer nights, during the long holidays, I was allowed to stay out with the other kids after supper until, one-by-one, we'd be picked off by a mother or father calling out a name from a doorstep.

I'm not saying this type of thing can be repeated nowadays in ED. My parents sense of security came from the fact that our little community, which was mixed ethnically, was extremely stable. Families would live on that street for a long time. The kids would all hang out together across age ranges, so there would always be slightly older ones to look out for the younger ones (although no one was specifically charged with this job). And if anyone got hurt the group would respond very quickly - one child jumping on a bike to race for help and the others staying with the hurt child to reassure him or her. I can't imagine it being like that where we live now, because people do come and go quite a lot. And it's just not done anymore, so there is not the critical mass to make it slightly safer I guess.

But, I do consciously try to go a little bit outside my comfort zone with my kids - on the basis that what I am comfortable with is likely to be quite excessively safe! I already let my 4 (nearly 5) year old and 2 (nearly 3) year old play alone in the front garden. They both know not to open the garden gate and they have been drilled in stranger danger and all that. I keep an eye on things but I do not stand over them the whole time. We have a neighbour with slightly older children (4 and 6) who has the same attitude (in fact, she is inspirationally more relaxed than me) and so we have lovely scenes of the children spontaneously inviting each other over and climbing over the low garden fence to join forces, running in and out of each other's homes. Seeing that, it does remind me of the sense of independence and adventure which I experienced in my childhood, though sadly it really is just a glimpse. I also let the children, especially the older one, run out of sight quite a bit at the park/playground.

I agree with Saffron that it depends on child, and place, but I recall that by the time I was 11 I was commuting back and forwards to school on public transport unassisted every day and hanging out in the park until bedtime once my homework was done. If at all possible, I'm going to give my children the same freedoms. But I have no real sense of how things might have changed for that age group since I was young.

I certainly would not say yes to this situation presented as a surprise on my doorstep. I would have done exactly as you did: say no, and then have a think. But I would bring the subject up with my own child, and ask if it is something she would like to do. I'd ask her what her friends do, and where they would plan on going/being. I might even go out myself at about that time and just walk past the park or wherever, see who is there and what they are up to.

If I then allowed it, I would do so on the basis of some very clear ground rules. Don't go beyond so far, what to do if someone you are not comfortable with joins the group, or if something you know is wrong (drugs, whatever) is suggested. And of course, if those ground rules were broken, there would be consequences. But I remember myself and (most of) my friends being very "good" about what we were and were not allowed to do. I'd want to extend the same trust to my kids that my parents showed to me.

WMxx

[tarafitness]

My son's bedtime was between 7.30 and 8pm when he was that age so definitely no!

He's 17 now and I still fret when he's out and about.

I grew up in London and had quite a bit of freedom, used to use the underground from a young age and walk along canals, main roads etc by myself. I remember it being a fun time, but also remember a few times feeling unsafe and being in situations that I don't know how I'd have coped with had they turned bad - I lacked the maturity and decision making ability... and was a child still!

I agree that 7pm is a good time to be home, 7.40 is just too late to start going out to play/hang out.

[GinaG3]

I'm dreading this stage. Hoping the next 7/8 years go slowly!

I grew up in a rural Oxfordshire market town before moving to a seaside town at 14. I lived on the other side of town to all my friends. From starting secondary I was allowed to walk over to theirs with them after school or walk home from school then on to theirs afterwards but had a curfew of 7pm. If I said I was INSIDE my friends house this was extended somewhat, until maybe 10pm on weekends/9pm on school nights (I never was in their house, we were all out, on their street, in town, the park etc)

My parents were never ones for grounding me or using discipline. I was an unruly teen, they tried to impose 7pm curfew all the way up to the age of 16! By 13 I was regularly saying I was staying at friends houses overnight and staying out all night, by 15 I was coming home from clubs at 4,5,6am. I was plenty capable of looking after myself (I don't think they thought I was!) and never found myself in any trouble at all, even if I had I was never alone always with at least 2 or 3 other people and always carried a contract mobile from 12 years old.

I know from experience with myself and a lot of my friends the more you don't let them do something the more they want to do it, whether they do it behind your back or not. It's really hard to let them go through this but you know deep down what they are ready for or not. I think its really difficult, of course you always want your kids to be safe, before this they've been with you all the way but there comes a time when they need to find their freedom.