How do you deal with tantrums?

[Grotty]

Eldest daughter is 3 so tantrums are pretty scarce now but we've just had the worst evening on record.

1) Daughter refused to leave park meaning I endured a 45 minute tantrum in public. I tried carrying her but physically couldn't. I strapped her in the buggy but she escaped whilst moving and hurt herself, so I gave up and sat on the grass with my 18 month old waiting for her to stop. There was an amazing mum who came over and said I deserved a lot of wine. I can't thank her enough for being supportive. However there were other mums giving disapproving looks and shaking their heads.

2) finally home but tantrum starts again. She had wet herself at nursery so bath essential, which meant physically holding her in bath to wash her legs & bottom. Doorbell goes and neighbour says we're scaring her, 3 year olds shouldn't cry like that and if it means no bath just forget the bath.

Is there a better way to do this?

Just wanted general forum advice about successful management of tantrums. What has worked for you?

[RoLo1]

Neighbour sounds like a real expert, I would discount her completely!

She is your child, you sound like a caring and concerned mum. It's just traumatising for you when it seems your being judged (wait til it happens to those disapproving mums!). If she is a handful and too tired for a bath I might resort to wet wipes, but of course that's not guaranteed to go down well either.

I do find myself losing it sometimes and yelling, but I like to think I am being 'firm' and setting boundaries, couldn't care less what others think. Whatever works for you and well done for being so patient!

Hopefully a good nap tomorrow will help her avoid a repeat performance. :)

[Lula]

Oh poor you, Grotty. That sounds awful. And the neighbour buzzing you?! How dare they comment without knowing the full story (I had a similar experience with two 'helpful' people separately telling me to feed my baby or give her something to suck - she was 6 months old at the time - when we were landing after a long flight, as if I wasn't trying to do that already!)I'm having trouble with tantrums from my three year old too. I find the best coping strategy is to make them laugh or do something silly although when you're tired and fed up with their behaviour, it's easier said than done. Bribery usually always works, too. So have a treat in your bag like a lollipop for difficult situations. Really feel for you. I'm sure you're an amazing mum. It's one of the hardest jobs in the world.

[EmilyPie]

Sounds like v hard work, and very unhelpful intervention from the neighbour. I'd have had a hard time not telling her to f off!

Mine is 2 and loves a good tantrum. I do find staying as calm as possible works when I can manage it and it sounds like what you did in the park was good. Not always possible or easy though. I've had terrible scenes where I've ended up shouting and crying as much as him! There's a section in a book I have called 'the science of parenting' on tantrums that I've found useful. It talks about why they have tantrums and how to distinguish when they're trying to manipulate you (generally no tears, able to reason) from when they're being overwhelmed by their emotions - fear, anger, disappointment etc. basically for latter is best to stay calm and be a reassuring presence so they learn you'll help them deal with difficult emotions. Also talks about distraction techniques etc and somewhere gives details of how to hold them when they're going particularly mental to calm them down without either of you getting hurt. Not possible to implement all the time but I found it helpful to try and get inside their heads.

Good luck - and enjoy the wine!

[RenF]

Hmmm- at 18months we are on the cusp of more of this kind of thing so slightly have the fear now! BUT- Grotty I reckon you handled the park incident brilliantly, and what a lovely mum to come and offer some support. Karma is a wonderful thing and the disapproving mums will get their comeuppance I'm sure!

Not sure what to make of your neighbour, on one hand I like to think if I was genuinely concerned about what was happening next door I'd try to offer some support. Perhaps given your daughter rarely tantrums like that she was really concerned and wanted to check you were ok? Trying to think the best of her intentions...

I have no advise really- other than to say I don't think there are any 'foolproof' ways of dealing with any difficult behaviour, just managing each situation as you can.

[Grotty]

Thank you all. Feeling a little emotional tonight. With tantrums, I normally try some energetic distracting but forgot that tactic and if all else fails I end up going down the bribery route but failed to think of that too. Lula, i think i need to keep supplies in my bag. good tip! Today was a bad combination of tired/stressed mother & exhausted 3 yr old daughter. I think I could have coped with it if the park was empty (obviously) and if there had been no knock on the door, but the addition of other people's disapproval makes for an increasingly fraught situation. I hate seeing my daughter so upset and I hate how it makes me feel. It's easy to lose confidence in what you're doing as it goes on and on and on. I really appreciate you all being kind. It helps. RenF I agree about the neighbours concern. I'm afraid I was abrupt & a little rude when she came over, but on reflection actually decided she did the 'right' thing. I hate bad feelings so went next door and apologised for my behaviour and she said she never wanted to upset me, but was just concerned, so friends again, but a tough day all round...

[newtoedf]

Sounds like a tough day at the coal face. My daughter had some spectacular tantrums at that age and my son who is 2.5 seems to be attempting to outdo her record so I feel your pain! One thing I have noticed with both of mine is that the worst tantrums seemed to occur when I had overpowered them to force them to do something like get out of (or into) the bath or just remove something dangerous from their grasp. I try (but don't always manage) to find other ways round the issue now and make it a game for example.

I wonder if the other mums were being disapproving or if it just seemed like that. I don't think I know any parents who haven't been there themselves and aren't just thinking "thank god it's not my turn". If they really were disapproving it is almost certainly because their own little angels are too young to get up to such tricks and poor deluded souls that they are, they think that's down to their brilliant parenting... Pity them, they'll soon learn the truth!

V unhelpful neighbour though

[canela]

I don't think there is a magical solution really. the only way to deal with tantrums i've found is to learn to recognise the warning signs and do what works for me to calm everyone down. which in my case is usually giving up on whatever it is that i want/need to do, and finding some kind of treat - whether that's a telly and popcorn session or a game of monster chase, depending on if people need calming down or need to let off steam. and a glass of wine is a must!

obviously doesn't work all the time, and I'm just thankful on reading this post that I think the bulk of my tantrum years are now behind rather than ahead of me! I remember how horrible it was when there was a particularly long one in public, and I think I resorted to terrible tactics just to stop them I read somewhere that you should let them express it for a bit and then try and distract as the problem is that they just don't know how to switch emotion. i found that i had to distract in a really loud voice and determined way, kind of speaking over them until they had to listen to me, and then once quiet I could move us all on.

don't worry about those tutting. it will happen to them one day...

[shaunag]

Oh dear. It could be any of us in your situation today and probably will be if have not already been there. My lo is just getting her tantrum groove at 26 months. There is usually still a reason for her like overtired, hungry, not feeling well. After a long day it's hard for a tired mum to be objective and calm. I snap back sometimes, but then apologise afterwards. Today I was too tired to deal with her " I want to go in the driver seat" so after 5 mins of her tantrum ing tears on the street I told her I was going into the house and she could stay outside on her own. Well that freaked her out and she chased me inside, roaring. Went out the back and started hanging out the laundry. She kept crying/shouting. After a few minutes I just said, come here and give me a cuddle you need to calm down. To my surprise she came over, I picked her up and we " looked for a pussy cat". End of tantrum. The cuddles seem to work about 50% of the time with her-she is a cuddly kid. Maybe something to add to your toolbox if yours likes cuddles too.

[Jem]

Thank god you've posted this! It's not just us going through this... I find tantrums are worse at the end of the day (tired) or if she hasn't eaten well. I had some pretty epic paddy's and my 3yo started wetting herself during them (attention seeking behaviour) I ended up getting the health visitor involved who was very helpful at suggesting tactics for deflating the situation, What worked for my daughter was completely ignoring the tantrum behaviour and then massively over praising every single ounce of good from being able to calm down to good listening etc etc and finally getting to shall we read a story/play with play dough/make some cakes now... I tried everything and this really helped, but it didn't happen overnight.

My daughter will be 4 in August and we still get the epic meltdowns but they are much more manageable and short lived now. But I do second they do indeed flair up when I have made her do something she doesn't want to do like brushing teeth, leaving somewhere she is having fun (despite warnings) or for a while there going to nursery...!

Oh and also buy/borrow (i can lend it to you) the book 'my big shouty day' http://www.amazon.co.uk/Big-Shouting-Day-Rebecca-Patterson/dp/1780080069 It initially made my daughter cross because it was a little it too close to home but ultimately helped her understand a little better! And ends on a really sweet positive note. Good luck!

[verds]

Ignore the haters - you're doing a great job. I thought they grew out of it, but my little one is four and threw a tantrum like a small toddler when I said it was time to go home from the adventure playground the other day, so it happens to everyone.

Have you seen this? http://reasonsmysoniscrying.tumblr.com/

[jperry]

It sounds like you dealt with it perfectly Grotty... sometimes I've found with my boys its best just to wait it out until they're finished...not helpful at all though when you have disapproving eyes peering at you!

While away on holiday last week with my husband's family my 3yo kept having tantrums and a couple of times wet himself. At the end of our holiday, a family member asked me if it upset me that 'everyone' thought our 3yo was a bit of a 'mummy's boy' in comparison to our 18 month old who is so funny and great fun. I was pretty upset by this as it's completely unfair. As soon as we left our holiday and said goodbye to everyone my 3yo cheered up, and we made a fuss of him on our way home etc - letting him have what he wanted for lunch etc. My guess now is that he sensed and had picked up on what 'everyone' thought of him on holiday and didn't have the words to express himself - he basically felt excluded. Essentially what I guess I'm saying is that children pick up on things so easily. Grotty, perhaps those women shaking their heads in the park need to realise this! Your daughter may have been picking up on people looking at her etc and probably just got more and more upset.

Sorry I've not really added anything in terms of how to deal with tantrums - I've tried bribery, yelling, staying calm etc. Sometimes it doesn't matter what I do, nothing works! But if I can, staying calm is my favoured option as at least there's one of us that isn't going crazy.

Hope today is a better day today! xx

[Kailyn]

I haven't got any magic advice, distraction works sometimes, as does making them laugh but sometimes nothing works at all and it's natura? to lose your temper.

Your neighbour didn't know the full details so should have stayed out of it. I think most people who have kids wouldn't judge you, it's happened to us all. Just remember that however bad t is, it will pass and hope that they carry some of that determination and stubborness into adult life when they'll need it :)

[bkkmei]

Sorry, no special tips - my 5 year old still has major meltdowns, usually in public!

But honestly, I don't think the other mums were looking on in disapproval, perhaps in relief it wasn't them. Can't believe your neighbour came round and was so 'helpful' with her advice.

[number 2]

I think your neighbour deserves something unpleasant through her letterbox!!! How dare she?!

I have to say my 4.5 year old's tantrums are few and far between but when he has one, my god, you don't want to be anywhere close by!!!! I'm a teacher so it's doubly mortifying of he does it in public!!! Really wish I could offer some advice but other than "just don't buy into it" and agreeing with "ignoring the haters" comment I can't add anything.

[Grotty]

Hooray for EDF. The one and only thing that chilled me out last night & made me get perspective was being reminded that tantrums are commonplace and occasionally impossible to manage. In the moment it's too easy to feel like you're "the only one" and must be doing something wrong, but obviously we're not. Another tantrum today (wanting ice cream 20 minutes before lunch), but had more energy to distract that one away!

Thanks again.

[Sol]

Is she enjoying nursery? Is there any reason why she may be so distressed? My daughter became very aggressive and stress when she changed nursery; I keep her there for a few months but decided to take her out at the end and she has changed completely. She still has tantrums but not as bad as before; and she is a more relaxed and happy child as she used to be before that nursery. There may be other reasons too? getting sick? Jealousy of her sibling? not enough time with mummy?

[Grotty]

Not enough time with mummy. I've been away a lot over the last 2 weeks and have an exam next week so tired/stressed. It's totally clear why it's happening, just not so clear how best to manage. She is her usual lovely self with everyone else, including Daddy, but she's obviously cross with me. Lots of guilt this end. Grrr.

[alieh]

Also just to check....is she in the process of dropping her lunchtime nap? That nap transition was a nightmare for us! I had to do tons of complicated maneouvring to make sure he wasn't too overtired but also not losing out on night sleep due to too much napping (but mostly he refused to nap anyway, even when knackered). Had to employ super early bedtimes for a while, plus 2-3 forced naps per week in the buggy. If it is a nap dropping issue you might find you need to be closer to home for those tired/meltdown points so she can flop on the sofa and watch TV or something around lunchtime if used to sleeping and same at the end of the day. For a while we were having to do dinner at 4:30/5:00 and sometimes lights out by 6:15! He would then sleep a good long night, which would help him get through the next day.

Maybe not relevant but just in case - no tantrum techniques work in our house when overtiredness is the problem!

[alimc]

What a helpful thread. God I would run rings around that neighbour.

I am finding that my 14 month old is starting to throw tantrums particularly as we have to do a longish commute home on the tube and train after nursery. She is usually tired and bored of being in her buggy. I just can't seem to be able to find a way to distract her besides using food or a dummy. I know she is younger and it's a slightly different kind of tantrum but it feels like we are definitely entering a new and slightly more difficult stage. i wish she would just go to sleep when she is tired!

[Sol]

Exams are quite stressful, especially when you have a young family and unfortunately young children pick up on mummies feelings; hopefully the situation will change after the exams. I had two last year and they affected my health. Good Luck with the exams!

[dildals]

I am totally not helpful, since my experience with children is limited, but I thought I'd just pitch in! I took my cousins to the park once for a play and the youngest, who knows how to throw a tantrum alright, didn't want to leave. I tried reasoning and distraction but that didn't really help. The seven year old then came up to me and whispered in my ear 'mummy always just walks away when he's like this'. So we did that, we both started walking away. Half way through I asked the 7 yo 'are you sure this will work?'. 'yes, don't worry, he'll come' he nodded. And indeed tantrum-man came running after us! Still cracks me up that I took tantrum advice from a seven year old!

[Saffron]

Sometimes it helps to veiw a tantrum as having 3 discreet stages. The first stage is "point of no return". It's like the event horizen on a black hole. If you can avoid tipping over this point, by distraction, walking away, negotiating, extra cuddles, or bribes etc, then you can effectively prevent the tantrum.

If you can't avoid the tipping point (it's just not always possible, is it?!), then a tantrum is inevitable. This is the second stage, the "angry/explosive" stage. This is like a an emotional short circuit. Don't try to talk or reason with a child in this stage. Any thing you do, even kind well-intentioned words, can add fuel to the fire. You cannot reason with children in this stage. They are not in control of themselves. (This is the point where I silently and unceremoniously shove little Saff in the buggy, and leave the playground wondering why we ever go there at all!)

This stage burns itself out. Then stage three begins, the "sad/sorrowful" stage. The screaming tapers off and sad sorrowful little snuffles ensue. At this stage, children need a lot of cuddles, but sometimes it's good to ask if they're ready for a cuddle, just to check they're really finished with stage two. (This is the point where Little Saff is often not only sad, but also unhappy with herself for misbehaving. We usually both say 'sorry' --b/c I've often lost my cool at some point too-- have big hugs, and talk about what went wrong. She's only 3 yo, so we keep it really simply, just one or two sentences, and don't try to lay blame.)

I think it's much harder if you have more than one child with you. (But even one child can be very challenging!) Does it work if you keep a treat in your bag for the way home, so your LO has something to look forward to when you leave the playgroud? This might avoid a tantrum altogether. My daughter really like warm milk, so I keep some in the bag for the way home. She finds this really soothing when she's worn out from a long day.

The bath is more problematic, but we've been having this issue too. So I think it's pretty common. If she's past tipping point once I get her into the bathroom, then I don't try to talk or negotiate with her. I stand in the bathroom with her until she's done screaming. This would definitely be trickier with two children! Could you put your younger child in the bath while you sit with your older child in the bathroom with her? Alternatively, sometimes we're able to avoid a tantrum by offering a shower or wash in the sink instead of a bath.

[shaunag]

Just a quick point on the bath thing. If we are for whatever reason running late, and lo is exhausted, we skip the bath, even if she's filthy. She then has a shower in the morning with me instead and everything (sheets and pjs) gets washed. It's usually my fault if we're running late so I don't think it's fair to force her to have a bath- it's not what I would want to do if I was ready to drop! It avoids unnecessary tears and means an earlier start on a work day, but if you can bear a bit of dirt for an easier life then something else to think about...