Anxious and reassurance needed

[Helpplease]

I have always been an anxious person. But, as a Mum it's got worse because I am making decisions which affect other lives, not just mine. I find myself worrying about all sorts of crazy things, the kind of things that my mum would laugh off as I was growing up, and most of the time I would do the same, but I often have days when it's all consuming.

Does anyone else feel like this? Panicked about things in every day life, especially with respect to your kids. I know it's irrational, but at the time I cannot help but be consumed by it.

Any words of wisdom, to make me laugh if nothing else would be much appreciated.

[Saffron]

I totally feel like that! I have a history of anxiety/depression, also postpartum depression. How old are your children? Sometimes anxiety can be a symptom of postpartum depression as well.

Anxiety doesn't have to be a bad thing. Anxiety takes a lot of energy. You can harness that energy and make it work for you, if you're not crippled by it. I try to use my anxiety to stick up for my daughter at times where I probably wouldn't have stuck up for myself otherwise. In general it helps if you can take action on the things that are causing you anxiety.

If you feel like it's really running amock and crippling your daily life, it's definitly time to seek professional help from a sympathetic GP (rule out any physical problems which could be causing or magnifying the anxiety), and/or try some alternative treatments. Giles Davies at 15a Barry Road for acupuncture is very helpful http://www.gilesdavies.com/.

Some people like meditation for anxeity. Didn't work for me. I prefer activities where you can "hyperfocus" instead, effect is similar to meditation. I found that horse riding lessons, simple flat equitation, were really great. I also liked pottery. Sadly not doing either at the moment, as too busy/stressed/anxious... arrrgh. Parenting is really hard!!!

[grabot]

It get easier as the kids get older. Scenarios play out multiple times without any catastrophic consequences. You steadily make more connections who make you realise that most of us get it wrong most of the time, but kids are resilient. As they get older their capacity for self-determination increases and you start to trust in their decisions. I suspect that anxious parents produce anxious children and while anxiety has its drawbacks it does tend to shield one from catastrophic decision making; generally pessimists live longer!

[Curmudgeon]

You need coping strategies really

Mindfulness meditation is excellent for this, as is a good course of CBT

That said

Write it out

Write out exactly what it is you're afraid of and then write down the very worst that can happen and all the connotations. Then write down exactly how likely that is to happen

Eat well make sure you're having lots of fresh fruit and veg

Exercise just take a brisk walk around the block if that's all you can manage

Deep breathing into your stomach ... Look up mindfulness meditation ... There's quite a few free pod casts ... You'd need half hour alone

Say out loud a positive thing like if worried about health say and repeat "I am healthy I feel fine"... Important to speak out loud it's a reinforcing cycle (sounds nutty I know)

Rescue remedies can help

Remember you're not mad ... Happens to the best of us ....ad you can reduce them until they go away for good.

[OverTheRainbows]

I'm so glad it's not just me...currently literally nauseous with worry about nursery admissions...would have mocked myself so much as a middle-class cliche pre-motherhood...can more people tell us it's going to get better, please?!

[Saila]

I think I have lost, on average, 30mins sleep per night for the past 2 years worrying about primary school 'choices' ... Moving house options etc

I have bored all my friends (childless and w kids), parents and partner to death about it. They are FED up of me constantly complaining/worrying about which school.

Plus the stories in the papers which make me physically sick eg the recent family accident in cornwall or the toddler getting run over :''''( etc

I was much happier / more relaxed before kids !

[Helpplease]

The problem is it makes me unhappy and its not helpful. Shouldn't we be relaxing and enjoying our kids?

[jennyh]

Absolutely share this, consumes my life too. I have had lengthy CBT with mixed results and have just started a mindfulness meditation course which is great but hard to fit into life sometimes, these things are things hat both take effort and hard work, doesn't come naturally. You can retrain how you think but it takes determination and time. Definitely good to share and would be happy to!!

[Lochie]

I've always been a worrier, in fact that seems to be my default position :-0

Having children made it 10x worse like you said - making decisions that affect other lives so now I have even more to worry about!

I had some help with CBT as a result of having children and it's really given me a tool to deal with my anxiety. One text recommended at the Maudsley is The Worry Cure, I really recommend it, very easy to read and helps explain anxiety as well as how to manage the type of anxiety that is irrational and needless:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Worry-Cure-worrying-start-living/dp/0749927240/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1368035618&sr=1-1&keywords=the+worry+cure

[canela]

there must be something that makes you relax and cut off from things....ie exercise, going for a walk, reading, watching comedy etc. make yourself do more of this. you need to be disciplined about it. work out how much you can do and stick to it for a month, i.e. two half-hour exercise sessions a week or a long bath each night. no excuses. worry feeds worry so you need to make sure you feed the other parts of you, i.e. by doing things that take your mind off it. worry is a very mental thing too, so try and do something physical that makes you stop thinking. give yourself a rest from your worry.

i write as a natural worrier. these are coping techniques i have developed and they do work. find out what works for you.

yes, we should relax and enjoy our kids. when do you do that? whatever it is, do more of it. realise that some of your worry is founded in genuine issue but quite probably some of it is influenced and generated by things we read, see on TV etc, and social pressures about what we should/not be doing.

i found meditation really worked, but i would recommend a class rather than having a go alone. i think there are still classes at brockwell lido. meditation made me realise how much of my worry was just a mental habit that i had got into. the other thing that really worked was getting out in proper countryside. i went to live in a rural area for 5 years and my anxiety just disappeared.

if your worry is around a particular serious issue, write it out and do something about it. even if it is a small step. one thing is that general nagging anxiety that you know is out of perspective. worry about one particular issue that is central to your life is different and you need to turn that worrying into action.

constant worrying is about the need to control. you cannot control your children or your life.

sorry about the long post. i just know what it's like - and i also know you can turn this around.

[shaunag]

I'm a terrible worrier too. I try consciously not to worry so much. However, I think it is a good thing too; I spot potential hazards and remove them; if you didn't do this it could be bad news for your kids. I think it's totally natural and a parents instinct. Of course you have to try to rein it in, but u will probably shield your kids from lots of heartache on their behalf too because you worry. My mum wasn't a worrier so I think it's part nature part nurture. Try to relax and do relaxing things to gain perspective. Parenting is a tough gig!

[Saffron]

Helpplease Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> The problem is it makes me unhappy and its not

> helpful. Shouldn't we be relaxing and enjoying

> our kids?

It's a vicious circle. You need to be proactive and make choices to break the cycle.

For some people it does get easier as children get older. Personally, I'm not finding that to be the case currently, and I'm not anticipating it for the future either. This may be because I'm not "a worrier". I have Anxiety. It's irrationally out of proportion, and it's a disorder. I'll never entirely get rid of it, so I have to accept it and learn to cope with it.

Some types of anxiety don't have triggers, so you can't just write out a list of worries to address. http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Anxiety/Pages/Symptoms.aspx

...if you have GAD, what you are feeling anxious about may not always be clear. Not knowing what triggers your anxiety can intensify your anxiety and you may start to worry that there will be no solution.

As our children grow, new challenges arise. I find that I have constantly to revise my coping strategies. And when I feel overwhelmed, I know it's time to ask for help. I think CBT is excellent for some people, but it didn't do wonders for me. Making and keeping the formal psych appointments just fuelled my anxiety. I do better with creative outlets, and meds if it's really bad. Everyone is different. You just have to find what works for you. xx

[mima08]

Parenting is a very tough gig - I had no idea beforehand!

I, too, worry to the extent of having anxieties (sorry if I am blurring the lines, but it appears to have progressed from one to the other for me). Through in some sad stories on the news, and I can be an emotional wreck, wanting to wrap LO (and everyone else I care about) in cotton wool.

As Saffron said, different strategies work for different people, and I do agree that the key is to be proactive to break that vicious circle.

Things that work for me have a lot to do with not asking too much of myself: i.e. getting enough sleep (I know, easily said), healthy eating and exercise. Sounds fairly trite, now that I write it down, but it does help me: I am definitely more anxious when I don't do those things.

When my anxiety led to panic attacks I sought help and did a course of hypnotherapy which was excellent. It unpeeled a lot of underlying issues and gave me a "toolbox" of coping tools - I can pick one for depending on the situation.

It also helped me to reduce practicing worrying - I realised that I was putting myself through a daily worry work-out and with all that worry exercise, I was getting really good at it - hence progressing to anxiety. I know this is not how it is for everyone, but the analogy worked for me, so now I try to mentally exercise more positive thinking.

Is it working? The panic attacks have gone, and I do feel better equipped to be less anxious, even though it is not a magic want.

Hope you find something that helps you, soon

mx

[midivydale]

I too suffer from anxiety (GAD) which culminated postnatally. For me if it is really bad, medication along with life style changes is what makes it better. I have had limited success with CBT and other forms of therapy. I found CBT very stressful and like Saffron found that it increased my anxiety.

I was worried that people would think that I wasnt coping with being a mother so therefor spent a great deal of time trying to convince the CBT person how much progress I had made and how much better I was feeling. I felt as if though the therapist wanted confirmation that her strategies worked so found myself saying what I thought she wanted to hear as opposed to how I felt, ridcilous of me really.

Also bringing along my reflux baby to the appointment was terrible. He was always screaming from the top of his lungs and it made me feel like I was a terrible mother for not being able to comfort him. It just added to my feeling of failure. It is almost comical now when I picture the scene.

I have to make some serious life style changes when things are getting bad. No alcohol, no caffeine and plenty of good low GI foods as well as spending as much time outdoors as possible. It makes a huge difference.

I also feels miles and miles better when I humour the situation altough my sarcastic sense of humour may not be to everyones taste.

Big hugs to the OP, feel free to PM me if you want to chat.

x

[Helpplease]

Thanks to all the posters, it's good to know I'm not alone. I am postnatal at the moment, and it happened with my first too. Good thing is that I know it's not forever. At the moment however I am all consumed, and keep thinking about vey irrational things harming my kids (not me - my fear is chemicals, toxins etc near them) and am just unable to function. My poor husband is being a trooper...

[paco]

Hi. All

I used to be a worrier. I was brilliant at it. I learned how to be rubbish at it! I worked in the mental health field, then trained first as a counsellor and then as a Hypnotherapist, and have learned a lot about beating anxiety. I am happy to share some concepts that others have found helpful and will give you some ideas about beating anxiety/worry. Let me know if you are interested.

Simon

[cuteclaire]

hi simon Im very interested, please let me know how to overcome this anxiety I have, I truly appreciate your time.from Claire.

[SarahG]

Hi all, my sister runs a therapy called Thrive (googleable) which deals with many things including depression, anxiety, stress, phobias amongst many other things.

She's at www.clairegaskellhypnotherapy.com

Do give her a call, she's building up a very full client base at the moment and having great success at helping people. As a former thrive client, she was so impressed with how much it helped her, she decided to go on and train as a therapist herself!

It doesn't need to be a part of life you 'manage with', you can be rid of it properly.

Sarah

[Saffron]

With all due respect, I disagree that everyone is able to entirely eliminate anxiety. For some people, a better strategy will be to harness this aspect of their personality with positive coping behaviours. It's down to the individual, his/her personality, etc. For some people it can be better to learn to manage anxiety successfully, than to repeatedly try and fail to get rid of it. Of course, it may be down to definition as well. One point of view may be that successful management effectively equates to getting rid of it.

To the OP, as per your original post, I was trying to think of some words of wisdom to make you laugh. Sorry couldn't come up with any words of wisdom, but I did think of something funny that happened when I was very tired, post-partum, struggling with anxiety. First time at a new swimming pool with my highly mobile ~1 year old, I was so anxious about being in a new environment (and also soooo shattered from endless sleep deprivation), that I managed to put a coin in the non-refundable locker the wrong way around -- twice! Then the poor bloke next to me took pity, and he actually put the 20 pence in for me!! Mortifying at the time, hilarious in retrospect. Sense of humour was one of the first things to suffer post-partum for me. Laughter can be very elusive, but it really is excellent medicine. xx

[SarahG]

Anything is possible with the right treatment. Until you've tried all the different methods and had no luck then you can't say it's not possible. Claire has had clients who have a tried all other routes and hers is the only one which 'worked'. Read the thrive book reviews on amazon and you'll find people who have had ME for years and been down all the usual routes, however through the thrive therapy they were rid of it.

It's totally up to the individual what treatment you try but until you've tried as many as possible then you won't know what your potential is

[Saffron]

I'm not saying that the "Thrive" method doesn't work. I'm saying that there's no such thing as a "cure all", which is how Rob Kelly appears to promote his method.

[SarahG]

It is one method- like many things: CBT, acupuncture, medication etc but of course the sessions will be different depending on what you're there for. The Thrive theory can be applied to many things because it all shares the same core element- that it's to do with the way you think.

I don't see the problem in trying different therapies out there with the hope that one will solve the problem, I'm not sure why anyone would.

[Smiler]

Therapist types and friends/family peddling their wares isn't great.

The thread was not entitled "recommendations for treatment for anxiety!

[WorkingMummy]

Helpplease, I don't know exactly what you are going through, but I did have experience, after my first and second babies, of being plauged by a kind of sense of doom. Just lots of awful thoughts about what could happen to my baby. Like, I'd be walking down my hall towards a window (some four meters away) and I'd be struck by a really vivid picture of falling against the glass and dropping my baby through it onto the pavement four storeys below. That was just one example of the kind of thoughts that I suffered. After baby no 2, it wasn't as bad, but I did keep panicking every time the baby was out of sight, that the person caring for her might lose her.

It was horrible, but my first midwife reassured me that this is a very common feature of normal post-partum experience. (In fact, on about her second visit after my first baby was born, she looked at my huge windows and said, "Are you plagued by an image of falling through that window and ..." This experience is so common, she was actually able to look around my home and predict my exact fears!) As you say, the fears are "irrational". But that does not mean they serve no purpose. They are just a natural side effect of your psyche/mind/brain/whatever adjusting to a huge, new, incomparable level of responsibility. It's like, you are playing a load of worse case scenarios (which are NEVER actually going to happen) through in your head, while you grow into your new role. It's almost like the thoughts are training exercises for your new (actually very daunting) role as a parent.

I suffered all that, and I have pretty low levels of background anxiety. I don't happen to have any kind of issue in that regard. But I feel for you because your background anxiety must make it harder to handle these "irrational" fears. Maybe one of the things that background anxiety does is to make you worry ABOUT the very difficult and unpleasant but normal things you are experiencing post-partum. "I'm a bad mother/can't cope/am a drain on my husband/am losing my mind." None of which is true. You can have these fears and still be the only mother your children will ever need (which you are). In fact, these fears are symptoms of you BEING the only mother your children will ever want or need!

Having said all that, anxiety at large can be a big challenge to bear and I would encourage you to see a kind GP if you really think you have a longstanding issue with it. There is not a mother in the world who does not need all the help she can get, especially post partum, and you should reach out for the very best help you can get.

All the best.

Xxx

[SarahG]

What is wrong with people?! Someone is asking for help and that's what I was trying to do! Therapy does help, that's the point of it! I've got no idea why you wouldn't think that would be appropriate! It's not about 'peddling wares' it's about trying to actively offer help and solutions. It's great that people can offer sympathy but sometimes that's just not enough.

Sorry for the hijack OP, I didn't mean it to become an ongoing discussion.