Jokes

[Spartacus]

Sad news, the inventor of the protractor has passed away.

He’s with the angles now...

[The Scorpion]

What did one snowman say to the other?

"Can you smell carrots?".

[teddyboy23]

I recently split with my girl friend of 3yrs .she changed after starting work in a factory making helium gas.when she talked to me.I just didn't like her tone of voice

[Rolo Tomasi]

In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75 a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15.

In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95.

In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at £2.50, but you can have two for £3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is £2.25, or two for £3.25. They also offer meat and potato pie for £2, or two for £3. Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for £2.75, or two (any combination) for £4.75.

These are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean

[malumbu]

Ughhhh

I'll obviously recycle this joke ☺️

[Spartacus]

After listening to a podcast on the top ten facts about diarrhea, number 2 surprised me 🤫

[Spartacus]

I saw 80’s pop star Jona Lewie ushering everyone out of the restaurant section of our local Toby Inn yesterday...

He was trying to stop the carvery...

[SpringTime]

What biscuits do cats take on picnics?

Cat flapjacks

[TheCat]

I'm great friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.

I don't know Y.

[Spartacus]

J.Lo is great shorthand for Jennifer Lopez, but it's not something you should try if you're Pete Doherty. 🤫

[Spartacus]

I once played as a pantomime horse along with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

He was very insistent that I was at the front...

[teddyboy23]

My wife of 25yrs recently ran off, with my best mate of 20 yrs . its been 5 weeks now , and l really miss my mate

[teddyboy23]

WARNING rude joke alert ) Micky mouse is in court applying for a divorce,from his wife Minnie mouse.on the grounds that she committed adultery.the judge saids, Micky looking at your statement.I can't grant you a divorce on the grounds that Minnie has big teeth. Micky replys ,i I never said that I said she was fcuking goofy

[tedfudge]

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian ' do you have the book for men with small penises ? The librarian looks on her computer and says ' I dont know if it's in yet " the man says yes that's the one

[tedfudge]

A parrot swallows a viagra tablet . His owner , disgusted puts him in the freezer to cool off . Later when he opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating " how come you are sweating ? He asks . The parrot replies do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken ?

[SpringTime]

I once played as a pantomime horse along with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

He was very insistent that I was at the front...

 

The penny's just dropped. Haha!

[Spartacus]

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a Martini.

The barman asks, "Olive or twist?"

[Spartacus]

Two nuns riding bikes down a cobbled path and one cries "oh I haven't come this way before" and the other replies "of course you haven't, the main road is being dug up for an LTN and we're on diversion"

[Spartacus]

What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?

A rebel without a Claus.

[Spartacus]

I just saw a shoplifter stealing a turkey from M&S and running out the store being chased by security...

I yelled at him “What are you doing with that?!!”

He shouted back “potatoes, sprouts and pigs in blankets!!”

[Spartacus]

What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?

Claus-trophobia!

[teddyboy23]

I had carol singing last night she sounded terrible.

[tedfudge]

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are in their bedroom . You know what says the 7 year old , I think it's about time we started swearing, when we go downstairs for breakfast I'll swear first and then you.

OK says the 4 year old.

Mum asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.

I'll have coco pops ...bitch, WHACK .

He flew out of the chair, crying his eyes out .

Mum looks at the 4 year old and said sternly ' and what do you want . The 4 year old said dunno but it wont be f****ing coco pops

[teddyboy23]

😄

[The Scorpion]

What's yellow and deadly?

Shark-infested custard.

What do you call a sheep on a trampoline?

A wooly jumper.

😋