Baby number 3? Too much?

[hellosailor]

Ooh alieh, didn't realise you'd had a third! Congrats! xx

[bluesuperted]

Love this thread!

Mariamadeit - talk to Margaret at Rear Facing Toddlers, she has a rear-facing car seat solution for anything. Several people on here have sorted car seats for three kids through her...

[hpsaucey]

my plan was to have two - which I have - and then adopt. Sadly the adopt part is yet to be ... I live in hope.

[Grotty]

Half-moon i love your post - pretty much what we agree it will be like. Hard to say no to...

[Belle]

We are almost certainly not going to go down this route. But one of the things we keep saying is 'if we could just skip the baby bit...' or (in my case) 'just skip the pregnancy/birth bit'...and I know obviously you have to think past that when you are envisaging having more children, but it's quite a thing to get past! I know lots of people love those bits but I really didn't, I hated my last pregnancy (particularly with a very active two year old to wrangle), and both my births were traumatic in different ways. I feel that now, having responsibility for two children, I need to make sure we don't go into anything that would negatively impact on them. So for now, it's a no for us. But I don't think I've ever met someone who said 'yeah we really regret having that third child' (or any child for that matter). Love trumps logic.

[Grotty]

Belle I think you're right. Love does trump logic. Like you I hate pregnancy. We spent a good year saying DEFINTELY no to a third and feeling happy with the decision. We are totally over the baby bit and would love to jump to 2 years old. However, suddenly we find ourselves with a 4 year old and a 2.5 year saying probably yes. Again. Hmmmm

[Pickle]

We had also said no to a third - I hated every minute of pregnancy, and had a pretty serious pregnancy related condition which I was basically guaranteed to get again. We had a boy and a girl, sorted.

It was when our youngest was 2.5, oldest nearly 4, that suddenly we both realised we would like another one, similar to you, Grotty!

[Lochie]

I read quite an interesting comment, I think from Polly Toynbee, in the papers recently. She said something along the lines of 'most women have one less child than they would actually like'. That really rings true with me as despite having a boy and girl, with the youngest at just over 2 I now find myself feeling broody and somehow (HOW??) forgetting how horrible I found pregnancy and the postnatal period with both children. I think number 1 nearly did me in and number 2 was a happy (in hindsight) accident). I do think it is quite typical though to have less children than you may like, my Mum wanted 4 and had 2, my mother in law wanted 3 and had 2 boys.

My husband and I rather amusingly have a recurring conversation, most weeks, at about 9pm at night, glass of wine in hand, kids in bed, where we both remark on how lovely the kids look sleeping, and we both comment that maybe we should have another one. I then get rudely awakened at 5.30am each morning and think that I must have been ridiculous to say such a thing and quickly remind myself how much I hate early mornings and general lack of sleep.

I am also worried about the physical effects of a third bout of hormones. I was so surprised after number 2 to find how awful the toll was on my body after 2 children (bad back, non existent pelvic floor strength, bald patches on my hair line that have never grown back!!) - in a way I am too scared to have a third in case I end up completely bald and incontinent!

[snowboarder]

Like others on here we decided to go for a third about two years ago...and despite the first two coming along no problem at all baby no 3 has proved elusive and I am now just the wrong side of 40, so I think that ship has sailed for us now. So many things are easier these days with a 5 and 3 year old, and my two are hard work sometimes so a third might break me, but I do feel sad. Still, nothing to be done other than take life as it comes, I suppose!

[Smiler]

Hats off to you all!

We ideally wanted three but decided against it for fertility/psychological/medical reasons. Feel OK about it, occasionally wistful but remind myself of the sleep deprivation! Mr Smiler gets broody occasionally, but likewise cheers himself with the thought of sleep/no more toilet training/cash!

Have several friends and family with three, the ones with small age gaps seem to have a lot of work on their hands! They are all (for the moment) SAHMs, I don't know of any women at work with three young children, perhaps the childcare is just too tricky at that stage.

[alieh]

I work full time and have 3. Just so people know it is possible! A nanny usually works out best cost-wise even for two children so you may as well add a third to the arrangement at that point!

[BellendenBear]

Ha, I remember this thread. I had 3 kids for about 45 minutes before number 4 joined us. 10 months later with 4 kids aged 5 or under I have to say that there are many times each day when I would say that the answer to this question is yes. But of course, I wouldn't change anything.

Life really is like a squash and a squeeze. Our capacity for the chaos, exhaustion, endless questions, whining and fighting, and all the lovely things that come with this, just has to grow. Half-Moon's post really does say it all. It is utterly relentless. And very expensive. We buy bananas by the dozen and yogurt by the kilo. And don't even mention the washing.

And work is possible I think, or at least I hope. I have just gone back to work 4 days a week. Childcare is crippling for 3 pre-schoolers but it won't be forever. You just have to be very very organised and make the most of the small opportunities to relax.

[redjam]

Lochie, not sure I agree with the Polly Toynbee comment. I have two and am very happy with two - I've always known that was all I wanted. Much as I love my kids, I also love getting my life back a bit now they're older, having a (relatively) peaceful and tidy(ish) house, having enough money to go on nice holidays and a decent social and work life of my own. Obviously you can have all those things with three or more, but it's harder. I have quite a low chaos tolerance level so I was very happy to get out of that exhausting, topsy-turvy baby stage and back to my 'real life'.

Clearly no one is going to come on here and say they regret having three. Once you've got them, you love them - that's nature. But I'm interested that no one has brought up the ethical implications of having three or more. I feel bad enough about the waste generated by our four-person household and the thought of all the extra food and STUFF needed by another small human being is enough to put me off the idea on its own.

I do realise I'm probably going to get shot down in flames by all the three-kid parents on here for raising this! But I wonder if it's something that people ever think about when they consider having three or more?

[hpsaucey]

redjam Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Lochie, not sure I agree with the Polly Toynbee

> comment. I have two and am very happy with two -

> I've always known that was all I wanted. Much as I

> love my kids, I also love getting my life back a

> bit now they're older, having a (relatively)

> peaceful and tidy(ish) house, having enough money

> to go on nice holidays and a decent social and

> work life of my own. Obviously you can have all

> those things with three or more, but it's harder.

> I have quite a low chaos tolerance level so I was

> very happy to get out of that exhausting,

> topsy-turvy baby stage and back to my 'real

> life'.

>

> Clearly no one is going to come on here and say

> they regret having three. Once you've got them,

> you love them - that's nature. But I'm interested

> that no one has brought up the ethical

> implications of having three or more. I feel bad

> enough about the waste generated by our

> four-person household and the thought of all the

> extra food and STUFF needed by another small human

> being is enough to put me off the idea on its

> own.

>

> I do realise I'm probably going to get shot down

> in flames by all the three-kid parents on here for

> raising this! But I wonder if it's something that

> people ever think about when they consider having

> three or more?

Um - I guess I sort of skirted on this with my 'have two, adopt another' wish. Part of that is a recognition that personally, I struggle with the ethics of having more than 2. If I was to live up to my words here - and its about resource use for me, then I'd be back to being vegan too and I'm failing miserably on that. Also - adoption has been a wish of mine for a long time. I know I could love any child - mine or adopted and there are just so many out there that need a home. I don't necessarily feel the need to be the biological mother - just to give someone who needs the love and care a home.

HP

[ClareC]

We have two children of our own and now adopt / foster animals ;)

Nowhere near as expensive and doesn't necessitate a larger house or car!

I'm with snowboarder on this one, number 1 and 2 came immediately and number 3 more elusive. I've just turned 40 so now questioning whether we should forget a third or actively try ASAP rather than leaving to fate as was the case previously.

[srisky]

We are also contemplating adopting for number 3 (in the distant future) I feel lucky to have experienced pregnancy & child birth and I don't feel the desire to do it again even though two children doesn't quite feel enough. My children are loved beyond measure and feel sad to think that there are children that feel unwanted. It's just awful. BUT I imagine it's very very difficult to bring up an adopted child when your biological children are young (I think minimum age gap is 3y) as they can't be treated as an equal but need special dispensation, attention, rules relaxed and this may upset your own children. unless you adopt a baby who won't have any 'issues' but they are relatively few and may have older siblings.

[hpsaucey]

Hi there srisky - I'd heard the same. I'm hoping it will happen for us, but we have health issues within the family that will certainly make it challenging and perhaps, for us, sadly unattainable.

I hope you get your wish.

HP

srisky Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> We are also contemplating adopting for number 3

> (in the distant future) I feel lucky to have

> experienced pregnancy & child birth and I don't

> feel the desire to do it again even though two

> children doesn't quite feel enough. My children

> are loved beyond measure and feel sad to think

> that there are children that feel unwanted. It's

> just awful. BUT I imagine it's very very difficult

> to bring up an adopted child when your biological

> children are young (I think minimum age gap is 3y)

> as they can't be treated as an equal but need

> special dispensation, attention, rules relaxed and

> this may upset your own children. unless you adopt

> a baby who won't have any 'issues' but they are

> relatively few and may have older siblings.

[INMCD]

I love this thread! We have three children - now 10, 6 and 3 and its great. Two children (a girl and a boy) wasn't enough for me and I knew I wanted another as soon as my son was born. I had to fight for number three as my husband was happy with two. She completes our family and I would've regretted not going for it. I would love a 4th but my husband had the snip when she was nine days old! Do it - you'll never regret it! xxxx

[Mellors]

I have three (3, 5, 7) and, as my youngest would say, we "luffs" it.

Hectic, beyond tiring (getting slowly better), an organisational Everest every day and financially crippling but I would have it no other way. I am like a proud mother duck trailing my three ducklings with me wherever I go - I feel blessed.

Two was never going to be enough for me - I knew as soon as I'd had the second and I put the baby things in the loft. Interestingly the minute I pushed out No 3 my first words were "I am NEVER doing that again" and I passed on the baby stuff asap. Go figure.

[Belle]

Damn this thread, it's making me broody!

[Terresa]

Interesting to follow, as I?m facing the same decision at the moment.

[HOMum]

I wouldn't mind the luxury of baby no 2, but it seems my body has other ideas and my first child is 4 in the Summer. I guess whatever is meant to be is meant to be. While I don't think this thread means any harm and I appreciate it is a light hearted chat over an open forum it makes a hard read for people dreaming for just their first or second baby to come along.

[Smiler]

HOMum, sorry you're having problems, can relate to tha. there are lots of these kinds of discussions in RL too, especially in ED! Can be hard. There are a fair few forumites who have or have had fertility issues.

[sillywoman]

Three was just lovely, four - not so much (though I wouldn't swap him for the world and now they're older it's a delight to have him).

Ethical/global issues didn't cross my mind, bad citizen that I am.

[hellosailor]

What did you find were the main differences between having 3 and 4 sillywoman? (Not that I'm thinking about it, as you know I'm definitely stopping at 2!) xx

I met a woman a few months ago in East D who was pregnant with her 7th, she said 1 and 2 were hard but after that it was easy!