Best SPAM emails you've had

[Keef]

Lately my work seems to be having a problem with email and a lot of spam seems to be getting through the filter. Yesterday I had one that had me in stitches, with the following headline...

Win ?500 vouchers to spend in Primark!

Even fashion editors in Milan are talking about this leading player in high street fashion.

>:D<

[Annasfield]

and how on earth could you spend ?500 in Primark?? You end up with almost the whole shop. ;-)

[KalamityKel]

::o I had that come throught the other day too!

I keep getting the usual viagra and penis extension type ones... "Be a dream of all beauties in the town!" "Get armed with huge love cannon" (no not the photocopiers or printers!) "make your love wand function better" "dance in the sheets all night long" the list goes on...

*sighs*

[giggirl]

Ahh so you've been getting my mails then. Excellent. Good to know.

[Brendan]

I just got some unsolicited nonsense entitled:

Urgent! Editorial deadline has been moved forward to 5pm today.

I really wish IT would block this rubbish.

[LuvPeckham]

best so far

"This will really please your girlfriend"

Forwarded it on to her - unopened - and it less then pleased her... apparently it made all sorts of warning bells go of on her works firewall....

whoever sent it to me was a liar....

[KalamityKel]

"Gain a voluminous male package" my my I went and got all xcited and then realised it was spam :(

[LuvPeckham]

This week I have been mostly reading

"Manhood Like a Whale"

Now, I know I didn't opt to take biology at school (preferred the physics) but

1. If it is a Sperm or blue whale, then based on what I have read (the Readers Digest guide to Wales and the Valleys !!) it's manhood is one 'eck of a lot bigger in feet and inches then I am tall. :-S

2. This would also cause a fatal reaction upon seeing a pretty girl, whale-sized manhood gets happy, man dies from lack of blood :-$

3. Won't you also continuously be 'tripping over yourself' ? ;-)

I wonder if anyone took this offer up, could they be done for breach of trades descriptions act ? (6)

[KalamityKel]

The Dwarf Sperm Whale is about 2.5 meters (8 feetish) so not MUCH bigger than a human...

[LuvPeckham]

Interesting fact about his manhood (can you call it that) but how big is the whale itself ?

[KalamityKel]

lol *sighs*

[KalamityKel]

Strangely after just posting I had my spam folder update email through...

"be lonely no more"

"Nights full of passion are near"

"perfect length and thickness"

I was beginning to get excited thinking perhaps I was on to something good you know like this was a sign or something, then...

"don't let her leave discontented"

and

"it takes a real man to fill me up"

Can you imagine my disappointment? *sighs* lol

[KalamityKel]

"Incredible hulk gets big when he is angry"

"add 3-6 inches to your pecker"

"shove it in her face today"

Deary deary deary me!!!!

[LuvPeckham]

KalamityKel Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> "Incredible hulk gets big when he is angry"

>

> "add 3-6 inches to your pecker"

>

> "shove it in her face today"

>

> Deary deary deary me!!!!

Perfectly logical email titles quoted above

the first one - For Marvel fans... it is obvious that Mr Banner splits his clothes when he gets angry and turns into the Hulk (although the mystry of where and how he always seems to have spare trousers with elasticated waist bands is still one that keeps me in awe)

The second one is a fact of evolution, a bigger wood pecker will be able to see of any rivals and in doing so be able to get the best foods, grow stronger and therefore ensure that his (or her) lineage is maintained at the expense of rival wood peckers

the third one, obviously is an email from SMA (the baby food product company) with instructions on the best practices for feeding your small child their compound forumla, and I guess it may also talk about the advantages of 'trains' over 'planes' as a feeding method (especially in light of 9/11 when a plane was used - hence the better educated now preferring to use the train over the plane as there is less social / jihad implications....)

all perfectly acceptable titles and it is all in your mind that they contain something else that they should not ... (I think)

:-S

[KalamityKel]

Haha u made me chuckle! Yes when put that way then yes all perfectly innocent except when one considers the senders... dirtybigbadgirl, VIAGRAofficialsite and chuckwilcock... :-S

[Ant]

Oh great, now in my mind there's a sort of Troy McClure style infomercial...

Hi, I'm Chuck Willcock and I'm here today to talk to you about the benefits of shoving it in your face...

...but don't just take my word for it. Here's Professor Toby Coxwell to tell us about the science...

etc.

[LuvPeckham]

KalamityKel Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Haha u made me chuckle! Yes when put that way

> then yes all perfectly innocent except when one

> considers the senders... dirtybigbadgirl,

> VIAGRAofficialsite and chuckwilcock... :-S

Sigh

that is so namist of you... Mr Dirybigbadgirl is very sensitive about his family name and constantly gets blocked by spam filters when sending out emails, he has (as I understand it) applied to changes his name by deed poll to "Mr clean-normal-nice-woman" but the process takes some time and may not stop his emails being considered as spam.

Chuck Wilcock lives in Virginia state and gets equally peveed about his name and spam email problems, he has publicaly said sorry concerning the fact that his email has been hijacked and would like to ensure that his wood pecker information is considered with great care in future.

as for Mrs Vi Agraoffi-Calsite a most unfortunate union of names when she marriaed Mr Calsite, and I am never sure if they did the double barrelled thing on purpose or not... sadly as she is Polish and came from a long line of Agraoffi's she didn't want to compramise or loose the family name... I guess they could ahve doen their names the other way around, but where would the fun have been in that...

Ant, your mind distrubs me greatly, why would Troy McClure do that on the simpsons, surely as it is a kids programme, broadcast before the watershed then it wouldn't appear in the show, rather I fear that Itchy and Scratchy will just maim, mutilate and kill each other again, providing the youth of today a nice sensible world to grow up in ...

[KalamityKel]

Luvpeckham your knowledge of such things could be considered as a little concerning... are you the one who is sending me these very entertaining emails? ::o

[LuvPeckham]

Possibly :-S

but then again possibly not...

I claim the 5th....

...email that you received about wood peckers today !!! B)

[KalamityKel]

Ah I'm wiv ya now... woodpeckers!!! wot wonderful little creatures they are! ;-)

[Dulwich_ Park_ Fairy]

Has anyone else noticed the incredibly poor literacy standards of internet pornographers. Most of what they send is absolute gibberish. I've already cancelled several subscriptions in protest.

[Ant]

Perhaps there's a niche waiting to be filled by those of us who can spell. Grammarporn anyone?

[Brendan]

Geez and I thought I wrote a load of toss for a living.

[LuvPeckham]

Today's offering was

"Discover your new beginning in lovemaking"

(*subtitled - "This is the best solution supplement for your dating woes")

Curious... (not really)

Interested... (Depends)

Opened... (Not on your nelly)

Bounced... (As high as the sky)

Still at least this one seemed to have the ability to spell ;-)

I wonder if the subtitle is something to do with the ED singles night currently being organised... (6)

[cdonline]

Having been the lucky one to have been contacted by a kind bereaved chap from Sierra Leone, who tansferred $100,000,000 to my account, I now spend my time answering adverts to increase the girth of my ever-growing manhood.