a joke

[citizenED]

Asset, just to check; do you usually spell minutes, s-e-c-o-n-d-s.

still looking...

citizen

(don't fret, I have seen Jim's post (sic)

[Jah Lush]

The Top Country Songs of 2007:

12. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.

11. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day.

10. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.

9. I Liked You Better Before I Got To Know You So Well.

8. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.

7. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.

6. I'd Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.

5. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here.

4. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now.

3. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him.

2. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.

And the number 1 country song is:

1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With An Ugly Woman, But I've Sure Woken Up With A Few.

[chumasterp]

How many policemen does it take to crack an egg?

None, it fell down the station steps guv.

[Jah Lush]

A man wakes up in the morning to find a bear on his roof, so he looks in the Yellow Pages and sure enough, there's an ad for 'Bear Removers.' He calls the number, and the remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

When the bear remover arrives, he's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's this for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

[Jah Lush]

Two men in an airport bump into each other.

The first man says: "I can't find my wife."

The second replies: "I can't find mine either, what does yours look like?"

"Well", the first man replies "she's 5ft 10ins, blonde, big boobs, wearing a mini skirt and high heels. What does yours look like?"

"F**k her," says the second man, "let's look for yours."

[spadetownboy]

this drug dealer lives with his granny and one day he cant find his stash. the gran is unaware of his illegal activities so he approaches her about the missing drugs."gran i cant find my tablets have you seen them they were marked lsd" he askes. " your missing tablets are the least of my worries" replies the granny,"the bloody kitchen,s full of dragons".

[Brendan]

I once met a bloke who sprayed deodorant in his beard and went to a fancy dress party as an armpit.

[Marmora Man]

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walk into a bar - the barman says "what's this - some kind of joke?"

[spadetownboy]

this hillbilly is shagging his sister one night suddenly she says to him "you know cleetus you shag just like dad". "i know darleen",replies cleetus "thats what mum said".

[Incitatus]

How do you circumcise a Hillbilly?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

[Marmora Man]

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?" He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...."

"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.

YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.

SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

[spadetownboy]

########BREAKING NEWS#########

police in dublin called to an incident at heuston station found 51 people stuck to the walls and ceiling of a train. it is believed that irish muslims have used the worlds first no more nails bomb.

[LostThePlot]

spadetownboy Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> ########BREAKING NEWS#########

> police in dublin called to an incident at heuston

> station found 51 people stuck to the walls and

> ceiling of a train. it is believed that irish

> muslims have used the worlds first no more nails

> bomb.

"And next week on 'Living in Religious and Racial Harmony' we ask the question 'Orthodox Jews, do they need a haircut' ?"

SpadeTown, should be ashamed of yerself! As today is the day we finally pull out of Ireland. Who'd have thought it 10 years ago eh?

[spadetownboy]

cheerio,cheerio,cheerio and so on.

[Jah Lush]

If your lover has put on too much weight, get them to walk three miles in the morning and three miles at night, and by the end of the week the fat f**ker will be 42 miles away.

[spadetownboy]

why are english people buried at 12 ft instead of the usual 6.

because deep down they,re not a bad lot.

[spadetownboy]

i told my mother i had bought a theatre. are you having me on she replied. well i said you can have an audition but im not promising anything.

[mockney piers]

Sorry Jah Lush.

 

[MadWorld74]

How much do cockneys pay for shampoo?

Pantene.

[Narnia]

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington

chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the

professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of

course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic

(absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law

(gas

cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we

need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate

at

which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a

soul

gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different

religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state

that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since

there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong

to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With

birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in

Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's

Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to

stay

the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are

added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls

enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase

until

all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in

Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes

over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year

that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take

into account the fact that I slept with her last night,

then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic

and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it

follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,

extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a

divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my

God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

[spadetownboy]

this new born sperm is receiving his tuition on how to fertilize the egg. so the instructor says to him,"when the siren goes off you swim down the long dark tunnel and eventually you,ll arrive at a warm dark cavern,straight in front of you there should be a small red ball.well that is the egg so you go up to it and say "hello, i,m a sperm" and the egg will reply "hello i,m an egg" you then swim into the egg and fertilize it."

so one day the sperm is lying relaxing when suddenly he hears the siren and thinks this is my big moment.so off he swims down the long dark tunnel and finally he arrives in a warm dark cavern and lo and behold there is a small red ball just in front of him,so he swims over to it. "hello" he calls,"i,m a sperm." "oh hello" replies the small red ball "i,m a tonsil".

[Rolo Tomasi]

Old Jokes Home.

GIRL'S DIARY

FRIDAY 21st June 2002.

Saw John in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so I thought it might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat. All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed, and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying.

I just knew that something was wrong. He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated, but followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh, and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up, but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me, and that he had found someone else.

I cried myself to sleep.

BOY'S DIARY

FRIDAY 21st June 2002.

England lost to Brazil 2-1. Got a shag though.

[Jah Lush]

Air Force One arrives at Heathrow and President Bush strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.

They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly, the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth-shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire.

The fart shakes the coach. The smell is atrocious!

Both passengers in the carriage must use perfume-dipped handkerchiefs over their noses, but the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turns to President Bush saying: "Mr President, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

Bush, with his usual diplomatic aplomb, replies: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."

[Jah Lush]

I got stung by a bee yesterday.

?20 for a jar of honey. Outrageous.

[Rolo Tomasi]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good looking woman, and determined to

keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them

worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You

should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. However one o'clock came and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again with trembling hands he> did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. "Now," she said, "take off my panties."

By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off. Then she looked at him and said, ..........

.......

.......

.......

"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, I'll fire you on the spot."