a joke

[ibilly99]

Arris

[Ridgley]

Little Johnny's class were on an outing to their local police station where they saw pictures, of the ten most wanted men, tacked to a bulletin board. On the way out of the police station Little Johnny said to the officer, "it was so nice of you to put my daddy's picture up there."

[Salsaboy]

Want to know how to make a woman go 'mmmmmmmmmmm' all night long?

Gaffer tape.

[Huguenot]

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We will see about that

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

Whats the difference between a peeping Tom and a pick pocket?

A pick pocket snatches watches.

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

I'm not normally suspicious but the wife told me yesterday that Gavin from Autoglass came round and injected that special resin into her crack......................she hasn't even got a car!!

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think " I'm f**king having that!"

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

Paddy is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He dials 999.

Paddy says "It's my wife, I've accidentally shot her. I've killed her"

Operator "Please calm down sir. Can you first make sure she really is dead?"

CLICK,BANG

Paddy "OK, done that, what next?

[Razors]

What is black, made of plastic and sails around the world?

Binbag the Sailor!

[Ridgley]

At a divorce court a family of bears is waiting for the judge to grant custody of little bear.

The judge asks the baby bear; ?do you want to live with papa bear?? The baby bear replied; "No he beats me. " The judge asked, so do you want to live with mommy bear! The baby bear said, "No she beats me too." The judge asked, "Then whom do you want to live with?" The baby bear says, "The Chicago bears, they don't beat anyone!"

[Jah Lush]

This is a story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building workers. It's allegedly true and might help to confirm your belief in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.............

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins.. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.

At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'

The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:

'I think so. Provided those wankers at Jewsons deliver the fcuking bricks.'

[Jah Lush]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a

Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an

Indian, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a Dane,

several Americans (including a Hawaiian

and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Slovak,

an Australian, an Egyptian, a New Zealander,

a Japanese, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Uzbek,

a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a

Malaysian, a Croatian, a Cypriot, a Pole,

a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a

Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a

Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech,

an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran,

a Panamanian, an Andorran, a Venezuelan, an

Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Israeli,

an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Liechtensteiner,

a Moldovan, a Syrian, an Aruban, a Mongolian,

a Portuguese, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Cook

Islander, a Norfolk Islander, a Haitian, a

Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Georgian, a Bahaman,

a Tajikistani, an Armenian, an Albanian, a

Samoan, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin

Islander, a Belarusian, a Qatari, a Tongan, a

Cambodian, a Canadian, a Cuban, an Azerbaijani,

a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a

Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman,

an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Serb,

a Swiss, a Greek, a Bulgarian, a Belgian, a

Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and two

Africans walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the ma?tre d', "but

you can't come in here without a Thai."

[spongebob]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

[Jah Lush]

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at The Gowlett and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home.

Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it from.

[NickT]

I beat my girlfriend at dominoes last night...

Bitch needs to learn that I choose the Pizza Toppings.

[Alan Medic]

We waited a long time for that Nick. I'm sure you don't think it's funny yourself.

[Ridgley]

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."

"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora") because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador") because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

[Salsaboy]

I was in the gym this afternoon when I noticed a hole in my trainer just big enough to get my finger in.

Anyway, she has now made a formal complaint and I've been banned for life.

[Eddleston]

Ow, that?s good! Thanks I laughed tears but it is true... :-)

[Salsaboy]

Why is it that when you talk to god, you are praying, and when god talks to you, you are a schizophrenic?

[Salsaboy]

I saw a poster on a lamppost the other day saying 'Need help? Call Jesus on 07841 21547'

I rang the number and a mexican with a lawn mower turned up.

[Ridgley]

A man is surprised to receives a call from his doctor.

The doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have some bad news and some worse news."

"Well, alright, give me the bad news first," said the man.

"Well," said the doctor, "The bad news is that you only have 24 hours to live."

"Holy Cow! That is some bad news!" the man exclaimed. "What news could be worse than that?" he asked.

"The worse news is that I have been trying to reach you since yesterday."

[Loz]

What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?

- An investigator.

What do you call something that has a nose, but no body?

- Nobody knows.

What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

- Virgin Mobile

[Salsaboy]

Police are looking for a man accused of beastiality. He was last seen getting into a Jaguar.

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

Somalia have been kicked out of the Olympics, they did not realise that sailing and shooting were two seperate events.