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A friend called round last night, while


we were drinking coffee and chatting


he mentioned that he had been to


the cinema to see "The iron lady", he


told me it was a brilliantly scripted,


wonderfully acted, fantastically set


movie that he would recommended


to any one and was well worth


watching even though it has a sad


and tragic ending


.


She lives

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Man walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for the wife.


He is shown several possibilities that range from ?50 to ?150 in price, the more

see-through, the higher the price; he opts for the sheerest item, pays the ?150

and takes the lingerie home.


Presents it to the wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.


Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well

be nothing. I won't put it on - I'll do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow, get

a ?150 refund and keep the money for myself'.


So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.


The husband says; 'Stone me, it wasn't that creased in the shop'.


His funeral is this Thursday.

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I heeded Government advice;

'Anyone travelling in icy conditions should take the following:- shovel, blankets, sleeping bag, extra clothing (scarf, hat, gloves.) 24 hour supply of food and drink, de-icer, rock salt, torch, spare batteries, safety triangle, tow rope, petrol can,1st aid kit, jump leads...!


I felt such a tosser on the bus this morning!!

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Barman is locking up at the end of a busy Christmas Eve. There's a knock on the door and he opens it to find a tramp standing there.


'Got any cocktail sticks mate?' says tramp.


Barman hands one over and off the tramp goes. Then there's another knock on the door, another tramp asks for a cocktail stick.


Soon there's a third knock at the door, barman opens it to find yet another tramp. 'Got any straws mate?' says tramp no 3.


Barman gets a straw and as he hands it over asks 'why don't you want a cocktail stick like the others?' tramp says 'Somebody has been sick on the pavement but all the lumpy bits have gone!'

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A woman is pregnant with triplets. One day she is walking down the high street and suddenly 3 bank robbers come charging out of the bank wearing ski masks. The police arrive shortly afterwards and a shoot-out ensues. The pregnant woman is shot 3 times in the belly. She goes to hospital and luckily all is well and she later gives birth to 3 healthy babies ? 2 girls and a boy.......


16 years later the woman is sitting in her living room when one of her daughters comes to her crying. When asked what is wrong she explains to her mum that she was having a wee and a bullet fell out into the toilet. Her mum thinks back to the bank robbery and explains to her daughter that a bullet must have been lodged inside her bladder for all of these years and finally come out naturally.


The following day, she walks in on her second daughter who is also in tears. She tells her mum that the same thing has happened to her. Her mum again reassures her as to the explanation for this.


The following week she walks into her 16 year old son?s bedroom and he is also overcome with grief.


?Let me guess,? says his mum ?You were having a wee and a bullet fell into the toilet??..........








?No? replies her son ?I was having a w~~k and I shot the dog!?

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A man was laying in bed with his new girlfriend.


After having great sex, she spent the next hour just scratching his nuts-- something she seemed to love to do.


As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 'Why do you love doing that?'


'Because,' she replied, 'I really miss mine.

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