a joke

[Rolo Tomasi]

Agreed

[Captain Scarlet]

Here's a racist joke.

A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like Chinese."

"No rike Chinese?" asks the copilot, "why not?"

"You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!"

"No, no," the copilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese."

"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese...doesn't matter, you're all alike!"

There were a few minutes of silence.

"No rike Jews!" the copilot suddenly announces.

"Why not?" asks the captain.

"Jews sink Titanic," the copilot responds.

"Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain, "It was an iceberg!"

"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, no mattah...all same!"....

[Captain Scarlet]

There's these two lepers playing cards, the one threw his hand in the other one laughed his head off

[Moos]

More unfunny racist crap. What's with you, Captain Scarlet?

[Rolo Tomasi]

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the driver?s door. ?Is there a problem officer??

?Yes, Sir you were speeding. Can I see your licence, please??

The driver responds, ?I?d give it to you but I don?t have one.?

?You don?t have one??

The man responds, ?I lost it four times for drink driving.?

The policeman is shocked. ?I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please??

?I?m sorry, I can?t do that.?

The policeman says, ?Why not??

?I stole this car.?

The officer says, ?Stole it??

The man says, ?Yes and I killed the owner.?

At this point the officer is beginning to panic. ?You what!?!?

?She?s in the boot if you want to see.?

The officer realises he is dealing with a dangerous man and slowly backs away. He calls for armed back up. Within minutes five police cars show up, sirens everywhere, whirling lights...

The captain slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun. The captain says,

?Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!?

The man steps out of his vehicle. ?Is there a problem, sir??

?One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.?

?Murdered the owner????

The captain responds, ?Yes, could you open the boot of your car, please??

The man opens the boot - It?s empty.

The captain says, ?Is this your car, sir??

The man says ?Yes? and hands over the registration papers.

The senior officer, understandably, is quite stunned.

?One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence.?

The man digs in his pocket, revealing a wallet, and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled.

?Thank you sir. One of my officers told me you didn?t have a licence, stole this car and murdered the owner.?

The man replies, ?I bet the lying b*****d told you I was speeding, too!?

[Captain Scarlet]

Lol good one:)-D

[Jah Lush]

A Banker, a school teacher, a Tory MP and a Daily Mail reader are sat around a table. In front of them is a plate, on which there are ten biscuits. The Banker scoffs nine of the biscuits, then the Tory turns to the Daily Mail reader and whispers in his ear. "Watch out, that teacher is after your biscuit."

[Ridgley]

Great stuff guys keep them coming:))

[Captain Scarlet]

well as Admin think im a racist!!! hers another one for ya!

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor' - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?'

[Captain Scarlet]

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

[Captain Scarlet]

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a Vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death

[Captain Scarlet]

I had a bad surfing accident, i went to the doctors and showed him the large bruises on my penis

he asked "did the board snap?"

I said "no, that was when i slammed the laptop lid down when the wife came home early"

[Captain Scarlet]

Wishing Everone on the board and the joke thread a Merry Christmas.

NEW CHRISTMAS REGULATIONS - POLITICAL CORRECTNESS / HEALTH & SAFETY

WHILE SHEPHERDS WATCHED

While shepherds watched their flocks by night

All seated on the ground,

The Angel of the Lord came down,

And Glory shone around.

The Union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches Health & Safety Regulations to

insist the shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being

provided.

Therefore, benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs must be available. Shepherds have also

requested that, due to inclement weather they should watch their flocks via CCTV cameras

behind centrally heated shepherd observation huts.

The Angel of the Lord is reminded that before shining his / her Glory all around, the

shepherds must be issued with glasses capable of filtering out any harmful effects of UVA,

UVB and Glory lighting.

LITTLE DONKEY

Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road,

Got to keep on plodding onwards, with your precious load.

The RSPCA has issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load a donkey of small

stature is permitted to carry. Also in the guidelines are permitted feeding breaks, and at

least one rest break in a four-hour plodding period.

Due to the risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear

facemasks.

The ?Little Donkey? has expressed his discomfort as being labelled ?Little? and would prefer

to being simply referred to as ?Mr Donkey?.

Comments upon his height or otherwise are considered to be a breach of his equine rights.

WE THREE KINGS

We three Kings of Orient are,

Bearing gifts we traverse afar,

Field and fountain,

Moor and Mountain,

Following yonder star.

Whilst the gift of Gold is still considered acceptable ? as it may be redeemed at a later date

through such organisations such as ?Cash4Gold? etc., gifts of Frankincense and Myrrh are

not appropriate due to the risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions.

An acceptable alternative might be a gift voucher.

It is not recommended that traversing Kings should rely on star navigation, and would

advise the use of AA RouteFinder or Sat Nav.

Both can provide the quickest route and advise on fuel consumption.

As in the case of Mr. Donkey, the three camels require regular rest and food breaks and

facemasks for the three Kings are obligatory due to the likelihood of desert dust disturbed

by the camel hooves.

THE ROCKING CAROL

Little Jesus sweetly sleep, do not stir,

We will lend a coat of fur,

We will rock you, rock you, rock you,

We will rock you, rock you, rock you,

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants due to the risk of allergy and for ethical

reasons.

Therefore, false fur, a cellular blanket or, perhaps, micro-fleece material should be considered alternatives

Please note that, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau (CRB)

check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock Baby Jesus.

Persons must carry their CRB disclosure at all times and be prepared to provide three

forms of identification before any rocking commences.

JINGLE BELLS

Dashing through the snow on a one-horse open sleigh,

Over fields we go ? laughing all the way.

A Risk Assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for

members of the public to ride.

The Risk Assessment should also consider whether the use on only one horse in

appropriate ? particularly if passengers are of larger proportions.

Permission from landowners must be gained before entering any ?Open Fields?.

To avoid offending those not participating in the venture, it is required that only ?moderate?

laughter is used and not at a noise level likely to be of nuisance to others.

RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED REINDEER

Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, had a very shiny nose,

And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows,

All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names,

They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games.

You are advised that, under the Equal Opportunities Policy, it is inappropriate for persons to

make comment upon the ruddiness of Mr. R. Reindeer.

Name-calling contravenes our Anti-Bullying policy, and further to this, the exclusion of Mr. R.

Reindeer from any reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action

will be taken against anyone found guilty of this offence.

A full investigation will be implemented, leading to imposing sanctions such as a ban from

hanging up stockings or enjoying Christmas dinner.

AWAY IN A MANGER

Away in a manger ? no crib for a bed?

Refer to Social Services immediately!

[Captain Scarlet]

Husband and wife...BEFORE MARRIAGE:

Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!

Wife - Do you want me to leave?

Husband - No! Don't even think about it.

Wife - Do you love me?

Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!

Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?

Husband - No! Why are you even asking?

Wife - Will you kiss me?

Husband - Every chance I get!

Wife - Will you hit me?

Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!

Wife - Can I trust you?

Husband - Yes.

Wife - Darling!

AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.

[Salsaboy]

I went to the works xmas do last night and got completely pissed.

Woke up this morning in bed with a sweaty fat bird who was snoring like a hippo.

Thank feck I made it home ok.

[Alan Medic]

Salsaboy, don't you know that Capt.Scarlett is the master of crap jokes?

[Salsaboy]

Not any more!

[Captain Scarlet]

Dont stop you reading them Alan does it you twat!

[Captain Scarlet]

Grumpy was arrested for shagging a giraffe, allegedly the other 6 dwarves put him up to it

[Captain Scarlet]

Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a

suspicious object was discovered in a car.

It turned out to be a tax disc.

[Salsaboy]

I'm addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want to.

[Salsaboy]

I went to the pub with my mate last night and after drinking 6 pints of lager, a couple of glasses of red wine and 3 large scotches I thought that I shouldn't drive the car home as I might be a bit over the limit. So, for the first time in my life I took a bus instead.

Luckily I made it home ok as I didn't think I could drive one but it turned out to be really easy.

[Jah Lush]

Hans, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!

Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Hans. The sit and talk,frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.

So she goes over to Hans and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.

*

*

*

*

*

*

Hans leans forwards and whispers in her ear...

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

"Can I pay in Euros?"

[TwisttBllen]

Five Important Qualities for us "MEN"

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

[DulwichDeviant]

I crashed into a car the other day.

This little dwarf got out and said "Im not happy"

I replied "Well which one are you then."