a joke

[Captain Scarlet]

that Harry Potter. Its took him 7 long books to catch the baddie. Scooby Doo does it in 25 minutes.

Its all too unbelievable anyway. I mean, a ginger kid with 2 friends?

[Captain Scarlet]

They say piracy is killing music. And it is. Have you ever heard a guitar played by someone with a hook. And drums by someone with a peg leg.

[Captain Scarlet]

A ship carrying red paint crashed into a ship carrying blue paint. They are both now marooned.

[Helen GV]

A guy on a business trip arrives at his hotel, is greeted by the doorman and, to his surprise, by a hulking great gorilla. The guy asks at the desk about the gorilla and is told that it has been there a few months, is quite safe and even talks a little. Sure enough, he sees other guests saying hello and the gorilla saying hello in return. He goes up to the gorilla and says hi, and holds out his hand. The doorman quickly stops him saying that, while the guests were welcome to make small talk with the gorilla, they were never to touch it. Ever.

So the guy thinks fair enough, says goodbye and heads up to his room.

Over the next few days he becomes increasingly friendly with the staff at the hotel, and with the gorilla, chatting about his day etc. His last day arrives and as he waits to check out he wanders over to the doorman and they chat a bit, then he says good day to the gorilla who nods and says hello.

The guy thinks to himself, what could be the harm? I've been here a week and seen nothing to be afraid of.. So he touches the gorilla gently on the arm.

The gorilla jumps into motion and starts chasing the guy around the reception area. Other guests are panicking and jumping out of the way, and the guy is desperately trying to find a way to shake the gorilla.

He sprints out the front door and down the street, looks behind him to see the gorilla still chasing. He zigs and zags, bobs and weaves in and out of side streets and traffic trying to lose the massive beast. It's impossible. The gorilla is right behind him wherever he goes, in and out of shops, up and down stairs, through parks.. The guys is getting tired from the running so in a last ditch attempt to lose the gorilla he ducks into a narrow gap between a couple of buildings and hides.

But the gorilla finds him and when he tries to escape out the the other end of the alley way he realises it's a dead end.

The guy is backed up against the wall.

The gorilla gets closer

And closer

And closer..

Reaches out towards the guy with one enormous arm....

And says

Tag, you're it!

[DaliaMK]

At the end poor gorilla he was not only tired of tracing the beauty babe but he is also worry of his reputation and I think that was more important.

[Captain Scarlet]

I was invited to an African Theme party the other night.

There was no food and the nearest drink was 12 miles away

[Sue]

That's really not funny (6)

[Huguenot]

It's not? Oh damn, it had me giggling ;-)

[Salsaboy]

I was stopped by a market researcher yesterday who asked me what my favourite grooming product was.

You should have seen her face when I said Haribo.

[Captain Scarlet]

Apparently I need counselling even though I'm in a stable relationship.

I'm happy but the donkey wants out...

[Captain Scarlet]

How does every racist joke start?

By looking over your shoulder.

[Captain Scarlet]

My gran said to me, "Young men aren't as nice, polite and charming as they were in my day". I replied "Well Gran, that's because they're not trying to shag you now".

[Captain Scarlet]

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering..

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.'

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed...

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded....

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports..

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports.

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell..

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went out!'

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate.

'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?'

God just shrugged and said,

Jesus saves!

[Captain Scarlet]

A chap went into the hairdresser's and said "I'd like my hair cut like Tom Cruise"

So the hairdresser gave him a cushion to sit on

[Salsaboy]

My next door neighbour knocked on my door at 2.30am this morning.

2.30 in the morning, can you fcuking believe it.

Luckily I was still up, playing my drums.

[SCSB79]

Sue Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> That's really not funny (6)

Beep-beep the offended bus has arrived.

What do you call a French man in sandals?

Phillipe Flop.

[Captain Scarlet]

I parked in front of my deaf mute neighbour's driveway the other day... you should have seen his language

[Captain Scarlet]

I'm sure my cats a communist

Keeps going round the house saying "mao"

[Sue]

SCSB79 Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Sue Wrote:

> --------------------------------------------------

> -----

> > That's really not funny (6)

>

>

> Beep-beep the offended bus has arrived.

>

xxxxxxxxx

If you think it's OK to joke about people in Africa starving to death, then thank God I'm not you.

[Sue]

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a

sudden he hears music. No one is around, so he starts searching

for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming

from a grave with a headstone that reads "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-

1827". Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is

being played backward!

Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to

return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music

has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the

previous piece, it is being played backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they

return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward.

The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse

order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the

5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a crowd has gathered

around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being

played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the

group.

Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"I would have thought it was obvious" the caretaker says........

"He's decomposing."

[Captain Scarlet]

An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman sitting in the bar, the Eng said,,I have a good one ! My wife floated 2 feet above me when she had an orgasm, great! I'll drink to that they said. 5 mins later Jock says, My wife floated 4 feet abv me after an orgasm, WoW! I'll drink to that they said. 5 mins later Paddy pipes up and said, I got a wee cracker, me missus hit di fikin roof after I whipe me dick on the curtain.

[Captain Scarlet]

Three men - an American, a Japanese and an Irishman were

sitting naked in a sauna.

Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his

forearm and the beep stopped. The other men looked at him

questioningly.

"That was my pager" the American said. "I have a microchip

under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang.

The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished his conversation, he explained: "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The Irishman felt decidedly low tech, but was determined not to be outdone.

He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.

He returned with a long piece of toilet paper trailing from his backside.

The others raised their eyebrows at him. The Irishman glanced

around and said:

"Bejesus! Wouldja look at dat!! I'm gettin' a fax!"

[gabrielnagy]

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal.. When he enters a roomeveryone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

[SCSB79]

Sue Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

>

> If you think it's OK to joke about people in

> Africa starving to death, then thank God I'm not

> you.

In the words of Steve Hughes - deal with it.

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

Kid turns up at school with a cat peeping out of the top of his satchell - teacher says 'Tommy why have u got a cat in your bag?' - Tommy says I heard the postman telling my Mum 'when your kids have gone to school I?m going to come back and eat your pu$$y' so I wasn?t taking any chances.