Jump to content

Recommended Posts

A man walks into a doctor's surgery, with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

?What?s the matter with me?? he asked.

?You?re not eating properly?, replied the doctor.


A guy goes into the doctors.

?Doc, I?ve got a cricket ball stuck up my arse.?

?How?s that??

?Don?t you start.?

Link to comment
https://www.eastdulwichforum.co.uk/topic/295-a-joke/page/6/#findComment-15269
Share on other sites

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.


On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now; the man should be here soon.'


Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.


Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...''


Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'


'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'


'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'


After a moment, she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'


'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed, and, sometimes, the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'


'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and Me!'


'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions, and I shoot from six or seven angles. I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'


'My, that's a lot!' gasped Mrs. Smith.


'Ma'am, in my line of work, a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'


'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.


The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.


'Oh my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.


'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'


'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith .


'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park, to get the job done right. People were crowding around, four and five deep, to get a good look'


'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.


'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate. And when darkness approached, I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'


Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh... Equipment? '


'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod, and we can get to work right away.'


'Tripod?'


'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted

Link to comment
https://www.eastdulwichforum.co.uk/topic/295-a-joke/page/6/#findComment-15431
Share on other sites

Two women, who had been friends for years, decide to go for a girls night out, and were decidely over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to go to the loo.

They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something. The first woman had nothing to dry herself with so she thought she'd take off her undies, use them, and then throw them away.

Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves. So she dried herself with the ribbon.

The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "This girl's night out thing has got to stop right now. My wife came home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing," said the other husband, "mine came home with a card stuck to her rear end that said 'From all at the Fire Station, we'll never forget you.'"

Link to comment
https://www.eastdulwichforum.co.uk/topic/295-a-joke/page/6/#findComment-17777
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

SPELL CHECKER (remember to use it forumites!)


Eye halve a spelling checker

It came with my pea sea

It plainly marcs four my revue

Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word

And weight four it two say

Weather eye am wrong oar write

It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid

It nose bee fore two long

And eye can put the error rite

It's rare lea ever wrong.

Eye Have run this poem threw it

I am shore your pleased two no

Its letter perfect awl the weigh

My checker tolled me sew.

Link to comment
https://www.eastdulwichforum.co.uk/topic/295-a-joke/page/6/#findComment-20854
Share on other sites

three palestinean women are sitting gossiping.first one goes my boy 16 yrs old hes a suicide bomber two weeks ago boom hes gone. second one goes that nothing my eldest girl 15 yrs old suicide bomber last week boom shes gone. third one goes thats kids for you these days they blow up so quickly.
Link to comment
https://www.eastdulwichforum.co.uk/topic/295-a-joke/page/6/#findComment-20957
Share on other sites

Guy goes to the doctors complaining about insomnia. The doctor prescribes some very strong sleeping tablets and some Viagra.


"thanks, Doc", says the guy, "but why the Viagra?"


"The sleeping tabs send you right off to sleep," says the Doc. "and the Viagra stops you falling out of bed."

Link to comment
https://www.eastdulwichforum.co.uk/topic/295-a-joke/page/6/#findComment-21625
Share on other sites

The new Liverpool manager sent scouts around the world looking for a new centre forward to replace his old and decrepit players hoping to win the league. One of the scouts informs him of a young Iraqi player who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar.

The manager flies to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-1 down to Everton with only 20 minutes to go. The manager gives the young Iraqi lad the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores four goals in 20 minutes and wins the game.

The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first game in the Premiership.

"Hello mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today and we were three goals down but I scored four and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."

"Wonderful," says his mum. "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time."

The young lad is very upset. "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."

"Sorry?!" says his mum, "You're fucking sorry???? It's your fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"

Link to comment
https://www.eastdulwichforum.co.uk/topic/295-a-joke/page/6/#findComment-23842
Share on other sites

An Irish woman "of a certain age", visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido. "What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.


"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."


"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."


It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress.


The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! `Twas horrid. Just terrible, doctor."


"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.


"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee, didn't I? The effect was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"


"Why so terrible?", asked the doctor. "Do you mean the sex your husband provided was not good?"


"No, no, no, doctor. The sex was fine. Indeed, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years. But, sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

Link to comment
https://www.eastdulwichforum.co.uk/topic/295-a-joke/page/6/#findComment-24285
Share on other sites

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.


"Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why, in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals; so much that when you buy 4 drinks, he will buy the 5th drink for you."


"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first two."


"Ahhh, that's nuttin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."


"Well," said the Englishman "did this actually happen to you?"


"Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister".

Link to comment
https://www.eastdulwichforum.co.uk/topic/295-a-joke/page/6/#findComment-24312
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Latest Discussions

    • Thanks for your message — I actually took the time to look into what CityHive does before posting my original comment, and I’d encourage anyone with questions to do the same. Yes, the Companies House filings are overdue — but from what I’ve gathered, this seems likely to be an accountant or admin issue, not some sign of ill intent. A lot of small, community-based organisations face challenges keeping up with formalities, especially when they’re focused on immediate needs like food distribution. Let’s not forget CityHive is a not-for-profit, volunteer-powered CIC — not a corporate machine. As for the directors, people stepping down or being replaced is often about capacity or commitment — which is completely normal in the voluntary and community sector. New directors are sometimes appointed when others can no longer give the time. It doesn’t automatically mean bad governance — it just means people’s circumstances change. CityHive’s actual work speaks volumes. They buy most of the food they distribute — fresh produce, essential groceries, and shelf-stable items — and then deliver it to food banks, soup kitchens, and community projects across London. The food doesn’t stay with CityHive — it goes out to local food hubs, and from there, directly to people who need it most. And while yes, there may be a few paid staff handling logistics or admin, there’s a huge volunteer effort behind the scenes that often goes unseen. Regular people giving their time to drive vans, sort donations, load pallets, pack food parcels — that’s what keeps things running. And when people don’t volunteer? Those same tasks still need to be done — which means they have to be paid for. Otherwise, the whole thing grinds to a halt. As the need grows, organisations like CityHive will inevitably need more support — both in people and funding. But the bigger issue here isn’t one small CIC trying to make ends meet. The real issue is the society we live in — and a government that isn’t playing its part in eradicating poverty. If it were, organisations like CityHive, The Felix Project, City Harvest, FareShare, and the Trussell Trust wouldn’t need to exist, let alone be thriving. They thrive because the need is growing. That’s not a reflection on them — it’s a reflection on a broken system that allows people to go hungry in one of the richest cities in the world. If you're in doubt about what they’re doing, go check their Instagram: @cityhivemedia. You’ll see the real organisations and people receiving food, sharing thanks, and showing how far the impact reaches. Even Southwark Foodbank has received food from CityHive — that alone should speak volumes. So again — how does any of this harm you personally? Why spend time trying to discredit a group trying to support those who are falling through the cracks? We need more people lifting others up — not adding weight to those already carrying the load.
    • Well, this is very disappointing. Malabar Feast  has changed its menu again. The delicious fish curry with sea bass no longer exists. There is now a fish dish with raw mango, which doesn't appeal. I had dal and spinach instead, which was bland (which I suppose I could/should have predicted). One of my visitors had a "vegetable Biriani" which contained hardly any vegetables. Along with it came two extremely tiny pieces of poppadom in a large paper bag.   This was embarrassing, as I had been singing Malabar's praises and recommending we ordered from there. The other mains and the parathas were OK, but I doubt we will be ordering from there again. My granddaughters wisely opted for Yard Sale pizzas, which were fine. Has anybody else had a similar recent poor (or indeed good!)  experience at Malabar Feast?
    • Another recommendation for Silvano. I echo everything the above post states. I passed first time this week with 3 minors despite not starting to learn until my mid-30s. Given the costs for lessons I have heard, he's also excellent value.
    • Hi just got a player so looking for tapes  pm me thanks 
Home
Events
Sign In

Sign In



Or sign in with one of these services

Search
×
    Search In
×
×
  • Create New...