a joke

[Thomas Micklewright]

greece joke best so far, political and funny!

[Sue]

Frankito Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Which key can open every locked door?

>

> A pikey... >:D<

xxxxxx

Not funny.

[Babsy]

Jack, age 92, and Gill, age 89 are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist shop and Jack suggests they go in.

Jack addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jack: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jack: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds"

Jack: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jack: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jack: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works.."

Jack: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely.."

Jack: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do..."

Jack: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jack: "Adult incontinence pants?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jack: "Then we'd like to use this store for our wedding presents list..."

[Ridgley]

Very good love Jah Lush and CS:))

[Captain Scarlet]

The "F" Word - when is it acceptable?

There are only a few times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use.

They are as follows:

1. "What the f... do you mean, we're sinking?" Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

2. "What the f... was that?" Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

3. "Where did all those f...ing Indians come from?" Custer, 1877

4. "Any f...ing idiot could understand that." Einstein, 1938

5. "How the f... did you work that out?" Pythagoras, 126 BC

6. "You want WHAT on the f...ing ceiling?" Michelangelo, 1566

7. "Where the f...are we?" Amelia Earhart, 1937

8. "Scattered f...ing showers, my ARSE! Noah, 4314 BC

9. "Aw c'mon. Who the f... is going to find out?" Bill Clinton, 1998

10. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this f...ing mad." Saddam Hussein, 2003

[Captain Scarlet]

Sean Connery was being interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that despite being 72 years of age he could still have sex 3 times a night.

Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.

After the show, Cilla says,

'Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.

So they went back to her place and got comfortable

After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.

Afterwards, Sean says, 'If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand'.

Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says 'Okay'.

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.

Then Sean says, 'Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to.......'

'I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun'. Cilla complies with the routine.

The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.

Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks

'Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?'

Sean replies, 'No, not at all Cilla, it's just that the last time I shlept with a scouser, the bitch stole ma wallet !'

[Captain Scarlet]

Q. What does the cannibal do just after he dumped his girlfriend?

A. Wiped his ass.

[Captain Scarlet]

When I was at school, people used to throw gold bars at me. I was a victim of bullion...

[Captain Scarlet]

Amy Winehouse's family have been told they cannot bring the ashes home as it would be possession of a Class A drug

[spongebob]

What do you call an Indian with pink hair.............................../

Ghandi Floss

[Captain Scarlet]

My wife & I have a beautiful little girl who we named after my mom. In fact, Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 5 tomorrow...

[DulwichFox]

A guy takes his new girlfriend to an expensive restaurant.

As they sit looking at the Menu, the guy spots Sir Bob Geldof in the far corner surrounded by his friends.

The guy tells his girlfriend she has a a mark on her face and needs to go to the bathroom.

While she is away, he goes over to Bob's table and says to Bob...

"Excuse me Sir Bob. My name in Dave,I am here with my girlfriend,it is her bithday and she is a great fan of yours.

she has just gone to the bathroom, but when she returns, could you please come over and say....

Hello Dave. how you doing man. Who's this beautiful lady you're with tonight."

Bob happens to be in a good mood and agrees.

As the couple sit eating their starters, the guy says to his girlfriend ,

"Don't look now but Sir Bob GeldofBob is sitting over there."

As the girl automatically looks over Sir Bob sees this as his cue..

Sir Bob comes over to their table and says...

"Hello Dave. how you doing man. Who's this beautiful lady you're with tonight."

The guy looks up at Geldof and says.

"Sod off Geldof, how many times do I have to tell you. Don't interupt me when I am in company"

[Captain Scarlet]

primark has been looted. ?24 of damage was caused

[Captain Scarlet]

The awkward moment when the looters realise they have robbed vision express and should have gone to specsavers

[Captain Scarlet]

Reports are coming in of major looting going on in Glasgow after a jock was seen breaking into a fiver!

[Captain Scarlet]

A woman and a man were involved in a car accident -- it was a bad one. Both of their cars were totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of them were hurt.

After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said, "So, you're a man -- that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are both unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends, and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man thoughtfully replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she handed the bottle to the man. The man nodded his head in agreement, opened it, and drank half the bottle. He then handed it back to the woman. The woman took the bottle, and immediately put the cork back in, and handed it back to the man.

In surprise, he asked, "Aren't you having any?"

"No," the woman replied, "I think I'll just wait for the police..."

[Captain Scarlet]

London, Birmingham and Liverpool burn as hoodie scum rule the streets. The government are exposed as corrupt, fiddling their expenses and are split, scared and powerless to act. 'Europe' is on the verge of collapse and America spirals into uncontrolled debt. The police are exposed as trigger happy, ineffective and bent, taking cash off the lawless corrupt press, while leaving our city's to burn. The bankers screwed the economy with their greed but pay themselves millions in bonuses. And while the stock-market plummets, the petrol is gone and prices soar, they still spend billions on a pointless war thats killing hundreds of our own, resulting in the consolidation of the hatred of our enemies for generations to come. Unemployment is rising, the NHS is dying, and our planet, the earth, is teetering on the edge of a global climate meltdown that will kill billions....?

Carlsberg don't do fuck ups...........

[Captain Scarlet]

Rupert Murdoch has said how touched he is by the messages left by family and friends on amy winehouses phone

[Loz]

Captain Scarlet Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> primark has been looted. ?24 of damage was caused

Croydon was looted. Over ?2M worth of improvements were made.

[David Mc]

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"

The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"

The assistant replied, "Because you're in Halfords."

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

The Rioters' Prayer

Our father, who art in prison,

my mum knows not his name,

thy Riots come,

read it in The Sun

in Birmingham, as it is in London,

give us this day

our Welfare bread

& forgive us our looting,

as we're happy to loot those

who defend stuff against us,

lead us not into employment

but deliver us free housing

for thine is the plasma tele

the Burberry & the Barcardi,

forever and ever

Innit

[Captain Scarlet]

Neville received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. Neville tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, Neville was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.

Neville shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. Neville, in desperation, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed, then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, Neville quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Neville's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."

Neville was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird spoke, very softly............

"May I ask what the chicken did?"

[Ridgley]

Brilliant CS:))

[Ridgley]

A Jamaican man pulls a prostitute; he says? if you sleep with me I will give to you Jamaican style with a twist? the prostitute thought for a moment I wonder what this style is? So she agreed after some long night of passions she says? this was the best ever experience to date so what is the Jamaican style and twist then? the Jamaican man says you had the style the twist is as he kissed his teeth

?Mi peer yu later?

[XXDECORATORXX]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for breakfast in the morning. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . .

Wait for it. .

It's coming. .

The suspense is killing you, isn't it?

She says:

'You just happened to catch my eye.