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Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions, stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.

"Well," said Paddy, "there?s the farm hand, I pay him ?240 a week, and he has a free cottage.

Then there?s the housekeeper. She gets ?190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

There?s also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about ?25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That?s disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

"That?ll be me then," said Paddy.

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A man sees a brunette at a bar,and says how about us getting together,yeah she replies,it,ll cost ya.

How much he replies;twenty quid she says. Thats cheap he thinks,he nods and back they go to her place.

She sits him on the bed, and begins to take her coat off, then she takes her long brunette wig off,hangs up her padded bra,then takes out her glass eye and puts it in a glass,by now his feeling a bit cringy,then she starts to unscrew her wooden leg, with that he runs out the flat and into the street/

She opens the window and shouts;Dont you want a bit of pxxxy, Yeah he shouts back, Just throw it down.

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Arnold Schwarzenegger, George Clooney and Brad Pitt attend a screentest for a new film entitled "The Lives of the World's Greatest Composers".


Clooney says "I'll be Beethoven because I can play the piano".


Brad says "I'll be Vivaldi as I can play the violin".


Arnie just stands there for a couple minutes, before saying in a deep voice "I'll be Bach..."

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The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation in

October 1995, between a US Navy ship and The British authorities,off

the Scottish North coast. The transcript was released by the MoD on

10/10/95.


BRITISH : Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid

collision.


US Navy : Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North to

avoid a collision.


BRITISH : Negative.You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the

South to avoid a collision.


US Navy : This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR

course.


BRITISH : Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course.


US NAVY: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST

SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. ACCOMPANIED BY THREE

DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. DEMAND THAT

YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR

COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.


BRITISH : We are a lighthouse. F*** off.

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Tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.


The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"


"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.


While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"


So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.


After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous.

Why are you committing suicide?"


"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

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