a joke

[rifleman harris]

Man goes into a warehouse looking for a job.

Foreman:"Ok. I'll ask you 2 questions. Can you operate a forklift truck?"

Man: "Yes I can"

Foreman: "Can you make tea?"

Man: "Fuck me how big's the tea pot?"

[Captain Scarlet]

A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to each other.

The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning he would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg.

The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.

The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the testicles and time how long it takes for you to get back up. Then you kick me in the testicles and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman put on the heaviest pair of boots he could find. He took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the testicles.

The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his groin, howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."

The Scotsman smiled and said, "Ye can keep the damn egg!!"

[Captain Scarlet]

Two dwarfs go into a bar,where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their seperate hotel rooms. The first dwarf,however, is unable to get a stiffy. His depression is enhanced by the fact that from the next room he can hear cries of ''one, two, three....uuhhhh!''all night long. In the morning the second dwarf asks the first ''how did it go last night?''the first whispers back ''it was really embarassing I just couldn't get a hard on''.The second dwarf shook is head and said ''you think thats embarassing I couldn't even get on the bed!!''

[Captain Scarlet]

As a long term customer, I have to say that I am really enjoying watching these Halifax adverts where their staff pretend to run a radio station. It makes a welcome change from watching them pretend to run a fucking bank.

[rifleman harris]

2 african doctors in the hospital canteen are in deep discussion;

Dr 1- "It is W.O.O.M.B.E prenounced woomba"!

Dr 2- "No no no! I must catagorically disagree, it is "W.O.M.B.E.E. prenounced woombee"!

And so the 2 Drs argued. At the next table another Dr on hearing the argument getting more heated decided to intervene in case it got violent

Dr 3- "Excuse me gentleman but I'm an eminent Gynaecologist and you are both wrong. It is W.O.M.B. prenounce womb"!.

On this he got up and left.

Dr1- "Fuck me! How does he know the sound an elephant makes when it shits"?

[Captain Scarlet]

Young lad pulls an older woman at a club. She's 58 but looks very good for her age. On the way back to her house bloke is thinking mmm! i bet her daughter is hot. When out of the blue she asks if he'd like a 'Sportsman's Double'? "Wots that?" he asks. "It's a Mother & daughter threesome!" he says. "WOW YES PLEASE" So as they go in her front door, she puts the hall light on & shouts "Mum put your teeth in, he's up for it"!!

[Narnia]

Your Duck is Dead

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up

at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

[Jah Lush]

An old retired shipbroker puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.

He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'

The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'

'Three knots? he asks. 'What's that supposed to mean?'

She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and your knot getting your money back."

[Huguenot]

Irishman strolls onto a building site asking after work.

"Hmmm" says the foreman, scratching his chin "Can you tell me the difference between a girder and a joist?"

"To be sure" comes the response "Goethe he wrote Faust, and Joyce he wrote Ulysses"

[Jah Lush]

The lead actor in the local production of Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night. To be fair, the audience tried to warn him.

[rifleman harris]

This guy walks into a bar in the Rhonda Valley and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"

The guy says, "I'm from Guildford."

The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Guildford?"

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?"

The guy says "I mount animals."

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"

[rifleman harris]

A nun gets into a cab and the driver keeps staring at her through the rear view mirror. "You know, Sister," the cab driver says, "I hope you aren't too offended, but I've always had this fantasy of getting a blowjob from a nun."

The nun thinks for a moment and says, "I'm not too offended. I just have two requirements. One, that you be single, and two, that you be Catholic."

"Oh yes, Sister, I am single and Catholic," the cab drive replies, so they pull into an alley and the nun proceeds to satisfy the cab driver orally. After they're done, the cab driver begins laughing.

"What's so funny?" the nun asks. "Ha ha!" the cab driver annnounces, "I fooled you sister. The truth is I'm really married and I'm a protestant!"

"That's okay," the nun replies, "My name is Bob and I'm on my way to a fancy dress party."

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.

This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".

Again, there's a bright flash...and his legs fall off.

A

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress.

After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer. "Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."

[amanda tropy]

What happened to the newspaper shop?

It blew away!

[Captain Scarlet]

A man walked into a pub and asked the barman for a strong drink, "I'm still shaking", he said anxiously, "I spent all afternoon at the hospital having a mole removed from my penis".

"I tell you what", he went on,"that's the last time I have sex with a mole!"

[David Mc]

I bought a litre of Tippex this morning. Huge mistake!

[jester]

Man goes down on a woman and says --Jesus that stinks. Woman says ___its my arthritis. Man replies--- what,in your fanny.---She says NO in my shoulder, i cant wipe my arse.

[Huguenot]

Bites lip.

[jester]

A lesbian went to weight-watchers. Organiser says--Remember,you are what you eat!! Lesbian says--you calling me a ctun

[Huguenot]

Nah, too much.

[????]

me and my mate walked to the pub tonight and he said, "fucking cold tonight". So I said, "Tell me something I don't know" and he replied "My wifes arse can take my whole fist".

[jester]

A Welshman gets washed up on a desert island with just a sheep and a collie dog for company.After a few days he starts to get a bit frisky and starts eyeing up the sheep.The collie dogs instinct kicks in and wont let him anywhere near the sheep.One morning to his delight a beautiful young girl is washed ashore.Youve saved my life said the Welshman im so pleased to see you,can you do me a favour and kindly take the dog for a walk.

[TED F]

Been to the optician today- he told me i was colour blind. bloody hell that came right out of the Orange.(td)(tu)

[hibbs]

n RAF fighter plane was flying over Afghanistan when he noticed a flying carpet on each side of his plane both with a machine gunner on board. Sensing danger he shot them down. Back at base he got a right telling-off ? apparently they were Allied Carpets!

[????]

That is disgusting Hibbs...you been on the Baileys?

[hibbs]

Oi at least it's clean Quids!