a joke

[CrystalClear]

From the Sun...(it's good, I promise!).

[Jah Lush]

A woman was sitting in a restaurant enjoying lunch with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him.

The young man noticed her overly-attentive stare and walked directly towards them.

Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, not matter how kinky, for ?100, on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.

The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew her purse and slowly counted out five twenty pound notes, which she gladly pressed into the young man's hand. She looked deeply into his eyes and slowly, meaningfully said, .

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"Clean my house."

[TillieTrotter]

crystal...thats not fair...giving my sources away like that!!

[bagpuss78]

Energizer Bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

A man?s home is his castle. In a manor of speaking.

A pessimist?s blood type is always b-negative.

My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it?s just kiln time.

Dijon vu. The same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating. Always use condiments.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Electricity comes from electrons. Does morality come from morons?

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Sea captains don?t like crew cuts.

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it?s a pigment of your imagination.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it?s an I for an I.

[bagpuss78]

Mary Poppins

Mary Poppins was travelling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

"Certainly madam", he replied courteously.

"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.

"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.

"Certainly madam," he replied.

"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely.

The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please," Mary mused.

After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night. The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out.

The same guy was still on the desk. "Morning madam...sleep well?" "Yes, thank you," Mary replied. "Food to your liking?"

"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs tho....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.

"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.

"Ok I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who then checked out, paused awhile, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey. Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written. Here it is.........

"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!!!!

[brash]

A wannabe DIYer goes into the the Library and asks...

"Got any books on shelves?"

[SeanMacGabhann]

Phonetic one this..

2 nuns in the bath

one says "where's the soap?"

the other says "yes it does doesn't it?"

----

fin

told at age 11

"got" at age 16 when walking down the street and burst into laughter on my own

[georgia]

Patient: Doctor, I?ve got this terrible pain in my arse.

Doctor: Drop your trousers and bend over. Hmm, it looks like you?ve got a lettuce leaf protruding from your sphincter. I?ll pull it out. And there?s another. And another.

Patient:ARGHGHGHGH! The pain is terrible! Is there much more?

Doctor: I?m sorry to tell you, but I think this is just the tip of the iceberg....

Welcome To The Psychiatric Hotline!

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4,5 and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn?t matter which number you press. No one will answer.

[mockney piers]

[Ant]

A desparate man joins the French foreign legion, as desparate men are sometimes wont to do, and before long finds himself posted to a distant fort in the remote Sahel. There is little but arid scrubland for miles in every direction, upon which the sun beats down mercilessly day after day, week after week.

At first he his satisfied with his new existence. He joined the legion to forget a woman and escape her husband, among other things, and finds the surroundings well suited to clearing his mind and purifying his soul. He throws himself into his duties. The marches. The drill practice. The training in unarmed combat. And so it goes from month to month, and with each passing month his body grows stronger and his past life grows a little less distinct in his memory.

One day, woken early by the bugler blowing reveille as he is every day and has been now for almost a year, he steps out onto the parade ground to find the world a changed place. The monsoon has arrived, and with it a strange mood among his comrades. They are frenetic, enlivened... and he recognises it withim himself too. He feels restless. He feels - he hardly realises at first, it's been so long - he feels the need of a woman.

Later that day, outside the mess hall, he speaks to a comrade about it, and asks what the other legionnaires do to cope.

'It's simple; just use one of the camels,' his comrade says.

Well, our desparate man is not that desparate. Or at least that is what he tells himself. But as the days of unbroken rain go by he finds himself unable to shake the idea from his mind. And finally, one night, kept awake by the constant beating of the rain on his window, he can bear it no more. He resolves to do the thing and get it over with quickly. He creeps from his bunk out into the night; he finds a camel and places a box of bullets behind it to use as a step. It's not high enough. He needs more boxes. Cursing under his breath he breaks into the store and drags two more boxes back to the camel. He builds up the step and takes his position. He drops his trousers, closes his eyes and thinks of the woman he left behind...

'Legionnaire! What are you doing to that beast?' shouts a voice from the darkness. A man steps out from the shadows, rain spilling from his K?pi. It is the commanding officer!

Flustered, the legionnaire explains as best he can, while trying to disentangle himself from the camel and pull his trousers up, how the monsoon had stirred things up within him, and what his comrades had told him: use a camel.

'Yes, you imbecile! Use a camel... to ride to the nearest brothel. It's only tenty minutes away.'

[Jah Lush]

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house.

She rang the doorbell and walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained.

"It excites him to no end. Everytime he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whisphered sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

[bagpuss78]

While redecorating a church, three nuns become extremely hot and sweaty in their habits,

so Mother Superior says, "Let's take our clothes off, and work naked."

The other two nuns disapprove, and ask, "What if someone sees us?"

But the Mother Superior says, "Don't worry, no one will see us, we'll just lock the door."

So the other nuns agree, strip down and return to work.

Suddenly, they hear a knock at the door, and grab their clothes in a panic.

Mother Superior runs to the door and calls through, "Who is it?"

"Blind man," a man's voice comes back.

So she opens the door, and lets in the blind man, who turns to the nuns and says,

"Great tits, ladies, now where do you want these blinds?"

[bagpuss78]

The Pope, a schoolboy and an unnamed American President are in a plane. Suddenly the pilot suffers a heart attack and the craft takes a nosedive. As the engines sputter, the three passengers try to stay calm.

'Well,' says the Pope, 'we have established that none of us can land this baby, so we're going to have to jump for it.'

'But there are only two parachutes,' says the boy, pointing to a pile of bundles by the exit.

Without hesitating, the American President rushes over to them, takes one and shouts: 'I am the President of the United States of America. I am the world's most powerful leader. And apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of my country. I have a responsibility to my people not to die.'

With that, he leaps out of the plane.

Now the Pope turns calmly to the schoolboy and says: 'I am already old. I have already lived my life as a good person and a priest. There is a place for me in heaven. I insist you take the last parachute.'

'No need,' says the boy, 'America's most intelligent President has taken my schoolbag...'

[mockney piers]

[mockney piers]

May have to try this technique myself to cold callers

http://www.soundboard.com/sb/telemarketers_prank_calls.aspx

[Jah Lush]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, and the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to to remember the days when we drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartenders says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs, "Oh, no," he says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

[georgia]

As it's his birthday today....

Before he became a writer, William Shakespeare used to sell Swiss Cheese. He gave up the job because people kept complaining about his cheese. They would say to him "No holes, bard".

Yes it's terrible I know.

[bagpuss78]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!

You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

[bagpuss78]

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,

"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

[Jah Lush]

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a sacred mesxsage to deliver to the moon.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said: "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder.

The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said.

The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate. So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elders sacred message to the moon.

Finally, an official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message: "Watch out for these pricks. They have come to steal your land."

[Mark]

I was woken up this morning by an aeroplane crashing into my house, I think I must have left the landing light on

[mockney piers]

[spadetownboy]

what do you call two thieves hanging from a clothes line.........a pair of knickers

what do you call two female virgins hanging from a clothes line........a pair of tights.

[Jah Lush]

A young woman in London was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Thames. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.

He took pity on her and said: "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to America in the mroning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added: "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in America would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Two weeks later however, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to America, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the Captain replied, "this is the Woolwich Ferry."

[Keef]

:)) I love that joke, I work in Woolwich for my sins, and always think of that joke when I pass the ferry!