a joke

[DulwichFox]

Ridgley.

Your last post is offensive. I think you should remove it.

DulwichFox

[zeban]

Ridgley, sort it out. That's just not funny I'm afraid. Nor the East enders one. Do all your jokes consist of fat people?

[Ridgley]

Zeban I am not small myself, so get over it

[zeban]

It was just a question!

[Ridgley]

I did not realise, that some people can be so affended sorry

[Narnia]

A seal walks into a club...

[Jah Lush]

A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, 'Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... the Magic Penis!'

The husband said, 'The what'?

The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis,' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo. The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'

The man then pointed to the door and said, ' Magic Penis, door!'

The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding way at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly

with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle.

Then the man said, 'Magic Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.

The husband bought it and took it home to his wife.

After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said 'Magic Penis, my vagina.' The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital.

On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A Police Officer saw this and immediately

pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.'

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah right... Magic Penis, my arse!'

The rest, as they say, is history...

[felt-tip]

HA HA

[DulwichFox]

A Penquin walks into a Pub.

He asks the Barman " Has my dad been in"?

"I don't know. " Says the Barman. " What does he look like. "??

[Jah Lush]

This is a story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building workers. It's

allegedly true and might help to confirm your belief in the goodness of people and that there is

hope for the human race...

A young family lived in a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers

turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next

door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the

little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had

tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel

important.

They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing

two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they

take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.

At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her

'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'. 'You must have worked very hard to

earn all this', said the cashier. The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with

Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'

The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:

'Yes - as long as those w*nkers at Jewsons deliver the f*cking bricks.

[Jah Lush]

I had my first night with my new Thai bride. We got into foreplay and I was sucking her off when I thought "Hang on a facking minute"..

[legalbeagle]

Eeeeeeeeeeewwwwww!

[jimmy two times]

A man and woman are sitting on an aeroplane when the captain announces that the two engines have broken down and the plane is about to crash.

The woman turns to the man and says: 'Well if these are our last few moments I want you to make me feel like a woman.'

So the man rips of his shirt, turns to the woman and says 'OK. Iron this'

[Tarot]

A man goes into a pub, with twenty people on a day out from a institution, and they all order drinks and crisps. The publican goes over to the man, and says"are they with you ,only they want to pay in bottle tops. The man said ,oh thats alright, humour them and i,ll settle up later. Later they all drift out, and the publican says, That wiil be fifty six quid please. The man says " oh bugger" publican says Whats up" The man says, I haven,t got any small change, have you got change of a dustbin lid?.

[Loz]

A man enters the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned", he said. "Last week my wife was bending over trying to get a chicken out of the freezer and... well, I was overcome with lust and I had sexual relations with her there and then."

The priest said, "My son, you are married in the sight of God - sexual relations with your wife is not a sin". The man sounded relieved, "You mean... ", he said, "... you aren't going to kick us out of the church?". "No my son.", came the reply, "Why would you think that?". The man said, "Well, they kicked us out of Sainsburys..."

[Tarot]

Does anyone know where Waynetta has gone.

[Loz]

To buy a new Viz Top Tips book?

[HonaloochieB]

Banish no-chin misery - marry a commoner.

[Emerson Crane]

Kate Middleton, the first person to squeeze into Diana's ring since Dodi Al Fayed.

[VeryBerryCherry]

My racing snail was not winning races

any more, so I decided to remove his shell

to make him more aerodynamic.

It didn't work. If anything

it made him more sluggish

[Emerson Crane]

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back

[VeryBerryCherry]

As a young boy, Joe was completely obsessed with tractors. He had pictures of tractors all over his bedroom walls; he had tractor toys, tractor T-shirts, a tractor carpet, and duvet cover, the whole works. He ate, drank and slept tractors. On his 17th birthday he was thrilled to get an invitation to go to a tractor factory nearby and test-drive a brand new tractor.

His excitement was incredible as he told his family and friends. The great day came and he went to the factory for the test-drive. Unfortunately something went terribly wrong with the tractor when Joe was driving it and it flipped over, trapping and breaking Joe's leg and fracturing his skull.

He was so upset and tried to sue the tractor company for negligence. But the company would have none of it and told there was no liability and He could get lost!

You can imagine he was very annoyed with tractors after this and vowed to shed them from his life completely and forever.

All the posters came down, the toys were given away - tractors were GONE.

Many years later, Joe went into a bar for a drink. Inside, the cigarette and cigar smoke was terrible but through it he saw a beautiful girl seated at the bar on her own. Tears were streaming down her face.

Joe asked her what was wrong and she said that the smoke was making her eyes sting and stream with tears.

With that, Joe looked around and then took a huge breath, sucking in all the smoke. He then walked outside into the car park and blew all the smoke out again. He goes back into the bar where the air is now clear and sweet and sits down next to the girl.

"That was amazing!" she said, "How did you do that?"

"No problem", said Joe

"I'm an ex-tractor fan"

[Captain Scarlet]

I'm so chuffed, I just put down the deposit on a Porsche.

I was so pleased with myself, I wrote "I can't wait for the new 911" on facebook.

Now I have 4000 Muslims wanting to be friends with me.

[Captain Scarlet]

My girlfriend just split up with me, I was making love to her the other night when she said "make love to me like they do in the movies", so I fucked her hard in the ass before pulling out and cumming all over her face and tits. I guess we don't watch the same sort of movies.

[Captain Scarlet]

My Gran caught me having a wank the other day, she was so surprised she had a stroke.....

Surprisingly soft hands for a pensioner.................