a joke

[bigbadwolf]

Oh dear.

I go out to the shops and what happens, Mikecg is getting above his station. Well to be honest it hasn't happened over night has it. During the dark days of my ban I noticed old Mickles started copying Snorky's moniker 'the new improved non offensive Mikecg', I bet you've even went out and bought the same trainers as Snorky didn't you Mike you Daft wally.

[Mikecg]

No but while you were out I broke in and stole your sandles, a pair of your fav 3/4 length trousers, donned a cheese cutter cap and went chimney sweeping round your girlfriends house.

[bigbadwolf]

Yeah she said some bloke came round to give the chimney a 'good roding' but got stuck in the oven instead. Strange world we live in eh Mickey.

[Mikecg]

LOL!

[Mikecg]

It was actualy *new improved non confontational mikecg* btw.

[bigbadwolf]

Just as bad.

[Mikecg]

Atleast I wasnt looking in through the window wishing if only.

[Mikecg]

Here you go woolfie knock yourself out.

http://www.eastdulwichforum.co.uk/forum/read.php?20,277505

[skidmarks]

Survey by Thomas Cook and ABTA

"I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

"It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."

"On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

"We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".

A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.

"The beach was too sandy."

"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

"We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (?3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."

"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England, yet it only took the Americans three hours to get home."

"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"

"There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many ** foreigners."

"We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

"I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."

"My fianc? and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

The Brothel

The madam opened the brothel door in Leicester and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.

"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged ?5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie , and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was so expensive.. There were no discounts. The price was still ?5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?".

The man replied, "Blackpool .."

"Really", she said. "I have family in Blackpool .."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her attorney. She asked me to give you your ?15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer

[bigbadwolf]

Mikecg Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Atleast I wasnt looking in through the window

> wishing if only.

A bit like your visits to William Rose and Oxfam

[Mikecg]

But unlike you I prefer to go without, you however have admited that you are a skip/bin sifter, hence going down my bins for left over swill.

[bigbadwolf]

Shit.

[Mikecg]

However the chimney sweep response was class.

[brianb]

the cleaning lady at arsenal is being questioned along with

all the mp`s about illegal expenses claims ! apparently she`s been

claiming for silver polish for the last four years!

[David Mc]

That holiday feedback thing is priceless!

[JetSetWilly]

what do you call an irishman hanging from the ceiling? sean d,olier.

what do you call an irishman who opens out into your back garden? paddy o,doors.

what do you call an irishman pointing a gun? eammon.

[bigbadwolf]

Instead of giving me a handjob last night my girlfriend used her key ring instead.

Felt like I was being fobbed off.

[bigbadwolf]

I was once so poor I had to jack the dog off to feed the cat.

[Mikecg]

Who's Jack the Dog? never met him.

[bigbadwolf]

Your getting a lot better at this Mike. Are your children helping you out?

[Mikecg]

Edited because it was a low blow!!!!

[KalamityKel]

The wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I

kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.

I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years

ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

[KalamityKel]

A history teacher asks a class full of kids

'What was Churchill famous for?'

A kid at the back shouts out 'He was the last

white man to be

called Winston!'

---------------------------------------------------------------------

What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?

About 2.3 pounds including the urn.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic

warden shouted to me...

'Oi, what's your disability?'

I said 'Tourettes! Now fock off!'

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty

blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him,then she starts waving.

'Excuse me do I know you?' he asks.

'Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids' she says.

The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity andsays 'Are you the bird I shagged on my stag

night, whilst your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my arrse?'

'No' she replies 'I'm your son's English teacher.'

----------------------------------------------------------------------

I said to the wife, 'I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread

today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick

Cut' '

----------------------------------------------------------------------

What's the difference between Harold Shipman and Tony Blair?

Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting lists.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband

'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'.

He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I mustadmit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about

it'.

She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I

played for Wigan !'.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A man says to his wife 'tell me something that

will make me happy and sad at the same time'.

His wife replies, 'You've got a bigger knob than your brother.'

[Mikecg]

Class KK.